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ParkourDude91: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 10:55, 26 April 2015
ParkourDude91 (Powerword: Jace W. Connors or Jan Rankowski, depending on who you believe) is a 24 year old alcoholic balding Ex Navy Seal stoner, and future marine who lives with his mother and supports his shitty internet endeavor with handouts from viewers like you and welfare. He is the commander of a nation of "gamers/"soldiers" consisting himself, a 16 year old boy named Tyce, and a fat, hairy, Jew named Eli. Jace refers to this collective of burnouts and former juggalos as Deagle Nation, which originated as a typical group of juggalos from the suburbs who spent all their time huffing paint at the skatepark and pretending to be parkour experts. He is never seen without his Flame Shades, his Semper Fidelis Knife, and his Airsoft Deagle. He believes that the path to becoming a US Marine is to post JewTube videos and streams of himself getting high, playing vidya games and ranting about delusional bullshit.
Jace came to the limelight in October of 2012 when /k/ caught wind of his internet badass" persona and controversial YouTube videos, in which he claimed to be an expert on a wide variety of topics he knew nothing about and refused to ever admit he was wrong.
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Overview
Jace's personality is basically an exaggerated version of your typical COD fanboy mixed with undeniable similarities to that other lolcow. For example...
- Chris and Jace both live off SSDI and the kindness of internet strangers.
- Both have no jobs and do not plan on ever getting a job.
- They both live at home with their mother.
- Both of these manchildren have no other aspirations other than to play video games and attempt to live out their delusional fantasies in real life.
- Both are autistic as fuck.
- Chris has Sonichu, Jace has Tiberius Rising.
- Both are both extremely ignorant.
Beyond the comparisons to the king of lolcows, the remainder of Jace's personality is just clichéd stereotypes about gamers and internet tough guys. He is only seen drinking Mountain Dew and Monster energy drinks, sometimes blended together. He wears Affliction clothing. He suffers from stress-induced vomit fits during his live streams and averages over a dozen of these fits per stream. He is never seen without his trademark Flame Shades, presumably to hide his lazy eye. He speaks highly of ol' W and models his role of the commander of Deagle Nation after his presidency. He has now moved on from calling himself a future Marine to now just claiming that he has served in the Middle East during war and now makes claims of being a Navy SEAL as well. He believes himself to be parkour expert and a good skateboarder, despite all evidence proving the exact opposite. His sense of humor is best described as juvenile, he's a closet weaboo, and is a massive pothead who's head is filled with conspiracy theories juicy enough to make Alex Jones cum in his pleated pants. In other words, he is exactly like you were when you were 13.
Delusions
- He thinks Parkour is a type of martial art
- His waifu is Meryl from Metal Gear Solid
- He believes nearly every instance of violence in the US reported on the news was caused by Iraqi terrorists. These include the Aurora Theatre Shooting and the Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre
- Despite being hated by most SJWs, Jace actually white knighted for Michael Brown pretty hard and went as far as dedicating an entire stream to racial unity.
- He thinks Chris Chan is the star of a Canadian sitcom called Chris Chandler and Friends.
- You can be forced to join a certain religion by saying certain words or phrases, like an Islamic version of Dragon Shouts in Skyrim.
- He believed the Government Shutdown on Oct 1st 2013 would mark the beginning of anarchy and violent collapse of society, and that he was "one of the few people truly prepared", in reality, it was a budget issue that mostly affected national parks.
- He believes that several of the events in Call of Duty games actually happened in real life, which the government covered up by claiming they were fictional events in a video game.
- The Army surplus store "Army Barracks" is literally an Army barracks.
- Jace claims that the Xbox 360 is "oldschool" as using CDs instead of digital downloading via Steam is for "retro gamers".
- He believes that the Desert Eagle .50 AE handgun is a tactical sidearm used by United States armed forces
- He believes that claiming that you are going to join the Army in the future is "basically the same thing as being a Marine" and deserves the same level of respect.
- He believes that soldiers in the army get to choose their own weapons and gear, and are only permitted certain weapons based on their rank, similar to the character progression system in Call of Duty games.
Airsoft guns are superior to real guns- He believes that It is common for snipers to smoke weed to stabilize their aim
- He thinks that the American presence in the Iraq War is still ongoing
- He believes that Christopher Poole, the creator of 4chan, is cooperating with Muslim terrorists.
- According to Jace, wolves don't believe in rimjobs and are genetically immune to homosexuality.
Tiberius Rising
Jace's greatest achievement: a Sonichu-quality novel called Tiberius Rising. Tiberius Rising is about a war hero named Jack Stryker, a blatant Marty Stu author insert. He considers the accomplishments of Commander Stryker to be his own real accomplishments that he deserves real respect for. He now refers to himself as "Jace Stryker" in his videos on a regular basis, showing he has no concept of reality vs. fiction.
The three main characters of his novel (Stryker, Ramirez, Jenkins) are a self-insert, a carbon copy of a video game character, and a troll invention, respectively.
Basically, this novel is all about Jace if he was a Marine soldier, killing Muslims and trying to be badass. This "novel" is simply too much TL;DR, stupid and written in a childlike style to be taken seriously.
But if you insist, you can read this masterpiece of a novel here.
Tiberius: Origins
Because Jace has nothing better to do in his days other than playing video games, smoking weed, vlogging and rarely working on Tiberius Rising, he started writing a new book.
Tiberius: Origins is Jace's new masterpiece. As the title suggests, it's a prequel to Tiberius Rising. Jace released a short teaser of his new work to wet your appetite. Guess what, it's even more fucked up, childish and stupid than his first book. Here are some highlights of the teaser for your reader pleasures:
- "They don’t call me da car-boy for nothing around this town."
- "Jack locked eyes with someone very suspicious in the red light across from him. Ramirez noticed his intense glare and looked over to find out what Jack was staring at so intensely. It was a Muslim."
- "He expertly handled the wheel as the car flew between passing cars like a magestic eagle."
- "Even a Latino Street Racer such as him had never put pedal to the medal that fast before and the dynamic duo was truly in a rusty situation if there ever was one ok he said."
- "Before long, this race would be over. Or at least that’s what he thought, before a bullet impacted his windshield and it shattered all over him. “Infidel!” he heard the man scream over his Nickelback CD. Without even pausing for a beat, Ramirez responded with gunfire of his own as he drew his engraved Colt Single Action Army revolver and began firing away at his target."
- "With an expertly-timed drift manuever, the Red truck did a 180-move then began going backwards at full speed. The driver and passenger, both Muslims, then grabbed their auto-pistols and began rapidly firing out of the front windshield... straight at Jack’s car."
- "The Red Truck was street racing right towards what would soon be known as the Ground Zero Mosque."
Interests/Obsessions
Jace considers himself an expert on guns, especially with the Desert Eagle pistol. Despite this, he has never held a real gun before. The closest he's ever he will ever come is his collection of plastic Airsoft guns. He also is a fan of knives, such as his Semper Fidelis Knife, which is just a knife with "Semper Fidelis" written on it in sharpie.
Jace is a known drug consumer, such as weed, alcohol, shrooms, and Adderall. He has also been busted for felony DUI, so there goes any chance in hell of ever being a Marine. Pot is by far his favorite, and is basically unable to function without it. His mother once sent him to a Christian rehab camp for several months due to his addictions and all around mental instability. It didn't fucking work, of course.
John Cena is Jace's greatest hero and he never shuts up about it to the point that his mom thinks he's gay for John Cena. Jace has an action figure of him that he keeps in the cupholder of his mom's car. Despite this, Jace doesn't appear to actually know much about John Cena beyond the fact that he starred in a movie called "The Marine" once.
Jace also recently came out of the closet as a wolfkin. He claims to wear wolf ears which serve as an extension of his wolf soul. Tyce now claims Jace has 'weird furry sex toys', which Jace vehemently denies.
Religion
Jace hates Muslims more then anything else in the world. He mistakenly links Muslims and "Islamo-fascists" with all forms of terrorism worldwide and therefore does not believe the IRA to be terrorist organization due to the fact they are not Muslim. Jace considered himself an atheist until Al-Gamerfood tricked him into saying a Muslim prayer, thereby turning him into an Islamic terrorist. A few weeks later he was baptized over Steam by a Catholic priest at the advice of his friends, but does not let this stop him from rolling blunts with pages out of the Bible.
Mental Problems
Jace has repeatedly denied having the 'spergers, but anyone can easily see that that's plainly untrue, he's autistic as hell, not to mention retarded. He even gets disability checks from the government which he uses to buy weed and video games. He's clearly not physically disabled, meaning he must have some sort of mental problem.
Or he's simply just a fucking idiot who never really knows what he's talking about.
Friends
Jace's main circle of friends seems to be underage teenage juggalos he meets and "stunts" with at skate parks. Previously, his list of friends included people like Tyce (age: 16), Kyle, Brandon, and Colby. In the case of Kyle, he clearly only visits Jace when selling marijuana. Jace also has a good relationship with his older brother, Rob Connors, though he rarely sees him.
Jace often gets nostalgic for the good old days where he used to go "stunting" around town with a self-proclaimed street gang of Parkour gamers he led in high school: Deagle Nation. He has long been trying to resurrect these glory days by recruiting new members and get back in touch with old friends, but this has been unsuccessful: he often laments that most of his friends are "in college now and can't ever chill" because naturally, peers of his own age eventually outgrew the weed-smoking and Xbox-playing teen hedonist lifestyle long ago. Despite being in his twenties, Jace still embraces this lifestyle wholeheartedly.
Jace also has a variety of online friends, 90% of whom are trolls who pretend to be friendly to him in order to laugh at him. The remaining 10% are members of Deagle Nation. Jace often boasts of his "connections" with CIADude420, an intelligence analyst of the Central Intelligence Agency (he works for the CIA for real, no joke).
Jace and Tyce's friendship has now ended and the two are now enemies for the most part. Jace finally moved out of his mom's house after tiring of her and her pastor (whom he affectionately refers to as 'Pastor Faggot') attempting to control his life. After Eli had returned from Operation Tupacalypse, Jace moved in to his cottage and started paying rent.
After becoming deeply traumatized by trolls flashing their dicks at him on Skype during his livestreams, Jace took to Twitter to inform the world that being flashed by men is the same thing as being almost raped. 
jamiewalton, a woman who made an ill-informed judgment of our Commander based on one Buzzfeed article took great offense and decided to call Jace's mom and tell on him. The video made in reaction was pretty hilarious, and thanks in part to the psychotic behavior of John Flynt during Operation Wupocalypse, Jamie Walton eventually came to the kiwi farms to apologize and condemn Brianna Wu's actions towards Jace.
Enemies
As previously stated, Jace hates Muslims more than anything else in the world. The reasons behind his hatred for Islam are not clear, but we can safely assume that he is heavily influenced by Caca Doody (because Muslims are always the bad guys) and his childish view of the United States military conflict in Afghanistan and Iraq. Jace's hatred to Muslims is so retarded and childish that he made a personal playlist of Muslims Getting Owned videos on his Youtube channel.
He also believes there is a gay Illuminati that is conspiring to turn him gay by flashing their dicks at him during his livestreams. As a reasonable prevention method, Jace wrapped himself in tinfoil during this stream to prevent the gay Illuminati from corrupting him.
Next up is Team Gamerfood, a Steam group of trolls/griefers. They are the ones who started the trolling on Jace in July 2013. They are mostly known for holding a whole wiki entirely dedicated to Jace, which is nothing but a lame ripoff of the CWCki.
Speaking of the CWCki, there's also a whole subforum entirely dedicated to Jace. Again, led by Team Gamerfood and hosted on the forum owned by the guy who is also hosting Tyce and Jace's websites in exchange for photos of Jace puking on Eli's cock. And as of last Thursday, Jace still thinks the forums are called the Kiwi Forums.
While Jace and Tyce used to be best friends, they are now sworn enemies after Eli and Jace beat the shit out of Tyce with his own nunchucks and mugged him for $47.
Operation Tupacalypse
Sometime in 2013, Jace was convinced by Tyce that 2Pac was alive and well in Israel and being held hostage by terrorist troll organization Al-Gamerfood. He went on to elaborate that the only logical course of action for Deagle Nation was to assassinate Ismail Haniyah, the (former) prime minister of Palestine. The original plan was that Jace was going to the middle east himself until his older brother found out and put an end to the scheme. After this happened it was decided that Eli would complete the mission himself in exchange for an Xbox One. It was decided that the trip would be funded by converting Eli to Judaism so that he could exploit the Birthright Israel program for a free flight to Israel. This plan didn't go planned, and so Eli opened a Twitter account and headed to Israel. Anything the trolls had to say about the faked plane ride video was quickly silenced once Eli started posting video after video of himself in what appeared to be Israel.
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Eli is under the impression that Israel is an al-Qaeda city full of yarmulke wearing Muslims, that the currency of Israel is called "Islams", and that the language spoken there is called "Islam". Eli only had a one way ticket, and he and Jace didn't have enough money to buy a return ticket, meaning Eli was stuck is Israel to fend for himself while Jace and Tyce were back in 'Murica growing weed in his cottage and performing experiments on Islamic mice. Eli seems to be getting more retarded and paranoid by the day, spouting ridiculous conspiracy theories. For example, he thinks that beach parties in Israel are in fact secret Nazi training camps. Eli was last seen playing Runescape and downloading 15 Gb of the same Nickelback album over and over, thinking it was "intel" when his mother finally got sick of her mildly retarded son's bullshit. Eli had gotten drunk in Israel and wrecked a scooter, forcing his mother to be contacted. His parents ponied up the dough to fly him home while Jace scrambled to remove all the Islamic mice and weed that we never saw any proof existed in the first place. Then supposedly Tyce teamed up with a bunch of skinheads and staked out Eli's cottage and threatened to break in and steal the weed while Jace tweeted from inside like a mad man.This all seemed to take care of itself with little to no hassle or proof that it ever happened at all and then Eli was picked up from the airport just in time to team up with Jace to rob Tyce and post the video of the crime on the internet. The End.
OPERATION WUPOCALYPSE
Never one to stay silent when it comes to defending gaming, Jace finally gave his opinion on hideous shemale Brianna Wu and got his jimmies all rustled.
Guess Da Wu'Tard Klan hasn't sussed that a man who couldn't do twenty-five push-ups without passing out and pissing himself probably won't travel to Boston to parkour on your face 'Assassin's Creed-style'. Still, Mr. Wu decided to take this opportunity to whine on
Twitter about the autistic man on welfare who is going to appear in the night out of thin air like Batman to smack him in the face with a game controller and spray him down with Old Spice. And also wolves are not gay.
Never one to back down when his title as Craziest Man on The Internets is being challenged, Jace did what any logical man would do in this situation: Challenge the fake damsel in fake distress to a #Gamergate street race or he would continue to send Wu twisted death threats and finish him with WWE moves or guns. His white knights over at GamerGhazi swore up and down they would bring justice to the future Marine veteran, their only problem being that they couldn't even get his country of residence right.
As of now, Brianna has yet to acknowledge this challenge, primarily because everyone knows that dude is all talk and only exploited this whole debacle in order to have an excuse to start his own internet begging campaign on Patreon. During Jace's New Year's Eve stream, a troll called in pretending to be Mr. Wu himself, and shortly after ending the call some faggot who was banned from the CWCki forums named Woody Chan reported the stream for drug abuse and CIADude420 blamed it on Brianna Wu. This turned out to be a win though, because without Woody Chan's autistic fit of faggotry Jace would never have been inspired to write such a masterpiece.
30 January 2015: A Day That Will Live In Infamy
After weeks of Twitter silence from Jace, he sprung to life on this great day to fight for Gators everywhere.
After agreeing to an interview with the king of /pol/, Jace set out to force Brianna Wu to flee from his home while waiting nearby; therefore forcing Bri into a street race with him. For better or worse, Jace never made it.
Update January 2015: Jace parkours his Mom's Prius into a Ditch
The Commander of The United States Street Racers can't keep his shit together and wipes out because he drives like an over-caffeinated spaz with a lazy eye....and thinks this is a hint that there is a conspiracy to kill him for being too good at #Gamergate. Lol. Of course Brianna wasted no time in going full retard on twitter over this "threat".
—Brianna Wu (@Spacekatgal) |
Jace had the amazing idea to street race Brianna Wu in the middle of a New England blizzard and after predictably flipping his mom's Prius on the side of the highway, he made a run to his friend Kyle's house to recuperate while a shitstorm was brewing online as the retards at GamerGate were discovering a lolcow that the rest of the internet was already well familiar with. While Jace was busy ignoring all logical advice and self-medicated a concussion at Kyle's house with weed, Brianna Wu was busy on Twitter whipping his own followers into a frenzy and soon enough he had thousands of people bullying and harassing a mentally ill and autistic man who was just involved in a serious accident. Despite what Brianna wants to say about what transpired, the undeniable facts are:
- Wu told his followers that Jace was coming to his house with guns, when this was never stated anywhere and all evidence proved otherwise long before he made this claim on Twitter.
- If Jace - being a convicted felon for DUI - actually had guns when the police arrived at the crash, they would have surely been confiscated.
- He said he called the police about threats from Jace twice, yet Jace was never contacted by any authorities. Other bloggers contacted the relevant police departments and were unable to find any record of this happening.
- Brianna thinks he can be murdered by a pellet gun.
While the SJWs cried their little eyes out about the dangerous autist, the king of /pol/ cried because "muh gamergate' or some shit and interviewed Jace in an attempt to prove he wasn't part of GamerGate. In the end, all it proved was that Jace was smarter than the king of /pol/, as evidenced by his poignant blog about the whole shebang. Currently Eli is undercover in Canada, working dilligently to secure the servers to both Reddit and Tumblr in order to successfully complete phase II of Operation Wu-Pocalypse.
A Smart Bisexual Stuttering Clever-man Appears!
3 February 2015. A new challenger appears.
Jace was contacted via Twitter by a journalist who seemingly wanted to interview Jace regarding his recent accident and the Wupocalypse. However, less than one minute into the 37-minute interview, it becomes blatantly obvious that something is amiss with our fearless journalist; it turns out he is no ordinary retard internet journalist, he is in fact an autistic bisexual furry otherkin Jew with a stutter who still lives at home with his mom and decided that getting Jace to admit to his crimes in a Skype conversation might get his tranny senpai to notice him. In other words, he pretended to be a journalist in order to trick a man with schizophrenia and autism into admitting crimes he may or may not have committed so he could write a smear piece on him. The journalist from TheLFB (Powerword: Reuben G. Baron) spent the next 37 minutes getting reamed by both Jace and his mom Gail before Jace revealed that he had also been recording the interview himself for posterity. Reuben got butthurt and told Jace it was illegal for him to record the interview even though Reuben was also recording the interview, obviously because Reuben just got verbally wrecked for over half an hour by an autistic man who thought 2pac was alive and being held hostage by ISIS in Israel.
full 37-minute interview here
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Not content to getting his ass handed to him by just one autistic man on the internet, Reuben then went over to the Kiwi Farms and got further blown out by a group of people who find pictures of Chris Chan's taint piercing interesting and informative. Shortly after, 8chan's /cow/ and /baph/ boards got wind of a fresh lolcow and like any good SJW, Reuben went to GamerGhazi to whine for brownie points before getting told he was an idiot and then deleted everything. A full rundown of Reuben's online presence can be found here. The most hilarious part? Reuben did this to white knight for Brianna Wu, got thoroughly humiliated across multiple websites in the process, and Wu didn't even fucking notice.
The End?
5 Feburary 2015. A judge granted Brianna Wu a temporary restraining order against the man that made videos threatening to murder him. What Wu forgot was that 100 yards was nothing; The Commander can hit a one-inch diameter target at a range of 200 yards with his Deagle provided he is sufficiently blazed to steady his aim. The US Marine SEALs didn't send the man to sniper school for nothing.
On the other side of the border, Eli had fallen into radio silence for 3 days since Jace ordered him to destroy the Reddit server -- with a sword -- in Canada. It was assumed he was either arrested or KIA. Operation Wupoclapyse is over.
With prominent GamerGate faggots on both side of the aisle properly trolled, Jace and Eli take a final bow before fading back into lesser known corners of the internet. However, this did little to stop John Flynt from sending her army of shit-eating liberalfags to report Jace's twitter account to death. His new twitter can be found here.
Wupocalypse 2: Electric Boogaloo. Beating A Dead Horse Edition
Feeling left out and hurt over their devastating break-up, Tyce Andrews realized that people were starting to take his buttbuddy Jace seriously and wasted no time in utilizing his rampant illiteracy to jump on the bandwagon.
—Tyce Andrews (@UnknownSold1er1) |
Tyce had his mommy dress him in his Sunday best so he could take Jace's bullshit a step further by threatening to murder John Flynt with a hammer and Black Magic in a video posted days ago on the Jewtube. John Flynt reacted exactly as predicted.
Also, please donate to my Patreon!
Confirmed for Troll
23 February 2015; after much investigation and fact-finding by Kiwi faggots and /cow/boys, Deagle Nation comes clean. Jace Connors was an elaborate troll cooked up the performance artists/IRL trolls known as MDE.
On 25 February, we will see Jace's final livestream. While some EDiots might be quick to call this master ruseman a major faggot, never forget the fact that this means Brianna Wu tried to file a restraining order against a fictional character. GG you autistic tranny.
Quotes
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Fan Videos
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Deagle Nation in pictures
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He's single ladies. -
What to expect from a Deagle Nation livestream. -
An easy-to-follow photo that explains Jace's mindset at any given moment. -
Deagle Nation's 'Ten Commandments of Getting Pussy'
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Jace's roommate Eli, the Jew who was tasked with saving 2Pac from Muslim terrorists and assassinating a former Prime Minister. -
Tyce Andrews, leader of the mcdunalds feduretion and soon-to-be leader of the great skeleton army in the 2015 race wars. -
Meanwhile in Jace's Google search history. -
This is what Reuben G. Baron actually looks like. -
Somewhere in the world, there's a faggot spooning this pillow every fucking night. -
Fucking scary bro. -
Eli's spank dungeon, located conveniently on the kitchen floor. -
The Deagle Nation gaming station, tactfully located adjacent to the refrigerator. -
Eli showing everyone how well he takes care of his brand new Xbox One. -
Just like that other fat autist, Eli recycles his navy. -
If you couldn't tell, Tyce is the Deagle Nation's king of edge. -
Deagle Nation fanart -
Never mind the bollocks
How to troll Jace
YOU CAN'T FAGGOT JACE HAS BEEN TROLLING YOU!
See Also
Links
Patreon- The Official Deagle Nation Forums.
- Jace's old YouTube account
- Jace's new YouTube account
- Jace's YouTube account for his live streams
- The official Deagle Nation website run by Jace
- Deagle Nation Wave The official Vaporwave album of Deagle Nation
Jace's DeviantArt- Another DeviantArt account
- Tyce's YouTube account
- Tyce's website/blog
- Probably the greatest thing to come out of Deagle Nation.
- A ripoff of the CWCki about Jace
Article on Jezebel covering the Wupocalypse- Sam Biddle tells us what he thinks of Jace, because everyone gives a fuck what Sam Biddle thinks amirite?
- Tyce's Twitter
- Eli's Twitter
Jace's retarded Tumblr- The CWCki Forum's subforum about Jace; look here for the most up to date information.
- Tiberius Rising, Chapter 1
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| Featured article February 7 & 8, 2015 | ||
| Preceded by Grove |
ParkourDude91 | Succeeded by Muhammad Sex Simulator 2015 |