Jezebel

Jezebel (often reffered to as "Jizzebel") is the most overtly feminist branch of Gawker Media, which is in and of itself the epitome of irony, considering the fact Gawker runs a renowned radfem site while being infamous for being one of te most misogynistic sites online.

Originally edited by Jessica Coen^✡, It is widely regarded to be a horrid abomination and hugbox for feminist extremists that could only exist in the current internets age where anything original, interesting or even slightly substantial in terms of content is all but unheard of. While independent thought has taken on an almost mythic quality, there exists a mind-numbing amount of sites bursting with clickbait to grant a sweet taste of instant gratification to the unwashed masses. Being renowned far and wide as the most inane and downright unprofessional online presence is no small feat in the age of Web 2.0; this is perhaps the only thing Jezebel can pride itself on, surpassing even Buzzfeed and fellow Gawker sites in terms of pure, unadulterated shittiness. The primary difference, however, is that while these sites can at least take heart in being light-hearted or "humorous," Jezebel takes itself way too fucking seriously and attempts to sally forth in a hilariously retarded social justice crusade, followed by its army of fat women seeking dirt on good looking celebrities that they envy.

The 3 H's of writing for Jezebel

Hyperbole:

Everything is rape.

Regular rape is rape, sexual harassment is rape, drunk sex is rape, flirting is rape. There is stare rape, virtual rape, verbal rape and fart rape (that's when a man farts on you in the street without your consent). All men who have ever been accused of rape are rapists, all men who have ever been raped are rapists, all men who have made sex jokes are rapists, all men are rapists. All sex without written consent is rape. All sex is rape. Everything is "OMG The Worst Ever". Everything is rape.

(Women can't rape)

Hypocrisy:

Double standards are the only kind of standards that Jezebel has ever had.

Unlike Jezebel, other women's mags are bad for feminism and pray on women's insecurities despite both of them writing about the exact same things. They patronize women by writing about celebrity gossip, but when you read Jezebel, saying "Fuck those skinny bitches, they're not so hot" is bringing down the patriarchy.

Objectifying women is wrong (how can you even "Objectify" something that is already an object?) but writing 10 articles a day about who you would like to destroy your vagina is fine. When nudes of women are leaked it is no less than a war crime, however leaking male nudes is fine "And we will not remove them". Unless, of course, it was Gawker who publishes peephole videos of women and paid people to tell about their one night stand with a congresswomen and make fun of her hairy vagina, in which case you should not mention it if you want to keep your job.

HA HA HA, OH WOW:

How the fuck is any of this news? You don't need 3 articles a week about cute kittens. You're a feminist website, you're supposed to at least try to pretend not all women are retarded.

"Writers"

Lindy West: Incredibly thin-skinned, which is a notable achievement for a woman of her girth. Got into a 'debate' with Jim Norton and got fucking owned. Currently being trolled by people pretending to be her dead dad.
Isha Aran: Smelly Indian that has completely abandoned anything resembling journalism and instead whines about cultural appropriation.
Erin Gloria Ryan: Used Paul Walker's death as an excuse to attention whore. Subsequently pwnt by old media whores. She also got punched in the face by some chick for being a cunt (unrelated to her being a cunt online) and then doxed the person who punched her while, all-the-while, claiming it isn't dox.
Mark Shrayber: Token male homo to close that gender gap.
Emily Gould: Used to write for them but then wrote an article to expose what cunts they are. Currently in therapy because Jimmy Kimmel made fun of her.
Tracie Egan: Wrote an article about how she paid a male prostitute to rape her because she's too fat to find a man that would do it for free. Later, in an interview, she said it was actually the site that had paid for it and that it was because SHE IS TOO SMART TO GET RAPED.
Everyone Else: Jezebel writers are so alike you can't tell them apart.

Jezebel Dramas

Kick the Darkie to the Curb

One day the time came to replace the site's editor. The obvious choice to replace her was her second in command, but there was one problem: She's black.

It's not that the cunts at Jezebel are a bunch of racists (yes, they are), it's that if the owner of the site was black she would out-victim them and win all the "I'm more oppressed" pissing contests. So obviously they had to hire a new white lady from outside to avoid this.

We are offering $10,000 to rebuild our self esteem

When they are not bitching and moaning about patriarchy and stare rape, the writers of Jezebel enjoy whining about how so unfair it is that other women, generally those who are not insane, landwhale blog jockeys, are so much more beautiful than the staffers. In order to provide some sense of twisted vindication for this laughable jealousy, they have offered bounties for original, unretouched photos of models. When someone eventually decides that a few thousand dollars is worth risking their career, they offer up the pics; the writers then engage in the classic high school girl's game of "Look! She's not that pretty! Will you take me to dinner now?".

To date, this tactic has proven unsuccessful (maybe because even without retouching any Hollywood starlet is still hotter than them) and they later used it again on the supposedly "proud fat woman" Lena Dunham. Endless hilarity came from watching feminist fatties turning on each other.

Jezebel staff gets raped

OMFG GIF RAPE!

At one point, the kind residents of the internet decided to give Jezebel what it loves most: Rape.
Their comment section was flooded with gifs of rape porn which was very "triggering" for them, so (in classic Gawker logic) they started writing attack articles about their own parent company for not doing anything about it.

“	For months, an individual or individuals has been using anonymous, untraceable burner accounts to post gifs of violent pornography in the discussion section of stories on Jezebel. The images arrive in a barrage, and the only way to get rid of them from the website is if a staffer individually dismisses the comments and manually bans the commenter. But because IP addresses aren't recorded on burner accounts, literally nothing is stopping this individual or individuals from immediately signing up for another, and posting another wave of violent images (and then bragging about it on 4chan in conversations staffers here have followed, which we're not linking to here because fuck that garbage)	„

Literally untraceable.

Former writer exposes Jezebel to be shit

Emily, whom we mentioned at the writers section of the article, in a typical fit of female hysteria (to which she is more prone than most), wrote an article about Jizzebel and.... well... read for yourself:

	“	Jezebel writer Irin Carmon's argument is essentially this: "Former videogame show host" Olivia Munn may soon become the show's first new female correspondent in seven years, but her potential hiring is nothing to celebrate, because, while she's a woman, she's not the right kind of woman. She has hosted G4's Attack of the Show for four years, and she has written a book. But, per Carmon, "her previous career path has led some"—meaning, I guess, Carmon and Jezebel commenters—"to criticize The Daily Show for hiring someone better known for suggestively putting things in her mouth on a video game show … and being on the covers of Playboy and Maxim than for her comedic chops." Included as a link is a previous Jezebel post that featured video of Munn jumping into a giant pie while wearing a French maid costume.	„

	“	The rest of the post was given over to quotes from various comediennes and Daily Show executives who'd been fired, or never hired, by the show. These women spoke to Carmon on and off—mostly off—the record. The overall impression they gave was of a working environment that was either unfriendly or downright hostile to women... ...Female Daily Show employees whose stories didn't fit into this narrative—like longtime female correspondent Samantha Bee, who recently told NPR that the show was a dream workplace for parents of young children, and Daily Show writer and Slate contributor Alison Silverman—were mentioned very briefly. Far more attention-grabbing was the video of Munn suggestively eating a hot dog embedded midway through the post.	„

	“	It's a prime example of the feminist blogosphere's tendency to tap into the market force of what I've come to think of as "outrage world"—the regularly occurring firestorms stirred up on mainstream, for-profit, woman-targeted blogs like Jezebel. They're ignited by writers who are pushing readers to feel what the writers claim is righteously indignant rage but which is actually just petty jealousy, cleverly marketed as feminism.	„

	“	they promote the exact opposite of progressive thought and rational discourse, and the comment wars they elicit almost inevitably devolve into didactic one-upsmanship and faux-feminist cliché. The vibe is less sisterhood-is-powerful than middle-school clique in-fight, with anyone who dares to step outside of chalk-drawn lines delimiting what's "empowering" and "anti-feminist" inevitably getting flamed and shamed to bits. Paradoxically, in the midst of all the deeply felt concern about women's sexual and professional freedom to look and be however they want, it's considered de rigueur to criticize anyone, like Munn, who dares to seem to want to sexually attract men.	„

	“	When Jezebel was founded, it proposed itself as an explicit alternative to traditional women's magazines. As any first-year women's studies major will tell you, these glossies make money by exploiting women's insecurities. The editorial content creates ego-wounds ("Do you smell bad? Why isn't he into you?") that advertisers handily salve by offering up makeup and scented tampons. But Jezebel must also sell ad space, and its founders knew that they are marketing to a generation that knew the score about how they'd been marketed to in the past, which meant those old-fashioned print tactics weren't going to work. Page views are generated by commenters who are moved to speak out, then revisit the comment thread endlessly to see how people have responded to their ideas. Ergo, more provocative posts tend to generate far more page views, and the easiest way for Jezebel writers to be provocative is to stoke readers' insecurities—just in a different way.	„

	“	Instead of mimicking the old directly anxiety-making model—for example, by posting weight-loss tips and photos of impossibly thin models like a traditional women's magazine—Jezebel post a critique of a rail-thin model's physique, explaining how her attractiveness hurts women. The end result is the same as the old formula—women's insecurities sell ads. The only difference is the level of doublespeak and manipulation that it takes to produce that result.	„

	“	It's certainly important to have honest, open conversations about the issues that reliably rake in comments and page views—rape, underage sexuality, and the cruel tyranny of the impossible beauty standards promoted by most advertisers and magazines (except the ones canny enough to use gently lit, slightly rounder, older, or more ethnic examples of "true beauty").	„

	“	Writers tend to play up the most jealousy- and insecurity-evoking aspects of controversy, and then anonymous commenters—who bear no responsibility for the effects of their statements—take the writers' hints to any possible extreme.	„

	“	As I write this, two of the five top stories on Jezebel have to do with weight loss: "Isn't It Time We Called 'Curvy Models' Simply 'Models?'" and "Lily Allen's Face Not Thin Enough For British Elle?" In the comments sections, readers are responding with naked bitterness: "The thin and pretty are like rich people. They are freely given advantages they already have," says sensitivitycop. NewWaveBatMitzvah chimes in with "I'm just glad that finally someone is paying attention to skinny women with large breasts. It's high time they get out from living in obscurity in the shadows where they cry themselves to sleep with tears of sorrow and loneliness." Right now, the ad alongside those headlines is for Cheetos.	„