War: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 06:46, 5 September 2023

Warning!
At this rate, you have a very slim chance of surviving the inevitable nuclear war. Have a nice day.

A typical usenet flame war. The vessel at front has made a critical spelling error.

War is Funny and Awesome. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Human History, since our ape ancestors figured out how to make spears and throw it to other apes he did not like, had always been defined by Humanity's obsession with killing each other in the lulziest way possible; in other words, being a pacifist hippie is antithetical to Human Nature. Everyone loves the shit out of it, especially Jews, Germans and White people. War in America helps to stimulate patriotic love for the president and your mom, and everyone gets more pie. In England, war leads to the creation of much lulz as war-time humour about soldiers dressed up as ladies and eating dehydrated eggs flourishes. This is because the English, having already crammed themselves up their own assholes, have effectively made any further penetration by their opponent's genitalia practically impossible.

If it wasn't for war, a lot of the great toys we take for granted today would never have been invented (e.g. bows and arrows, hand grenades, stink bombs and combat camouflage barbie dolls). Since the late 1990s the glorious and epic nature of warfare has been reduced to fist pump dance contests, battles that only include freestyle rapping, and an axe is now a guitar.

History

War is mostly fought on a fixed game map of little to no variety, usually limited to City map, Desert map, and Jungle map and on rare occasions Sea map and Air map. In the 1970’s an independent third party American game designer, in joint effort with Soviet basement dwellers, was working on a Space combat expansion pack called Project Star Wars, but the project was scrapped because the official Game Studio threatened to shut down the War server and kill all the lulz if any unauthorized expansions were ever sold. This rubbed everyone the wrong way and ever since then all the fanbois and n00bs have bitched about the lack of maps and even threatened to commit account suicide if nothing was done about this.

To solve this, the Lead Game Designer and his dev team are currently putting their mad skillz to good work on the official War Expansion Pack, which will include new maps, improved guns, custom soundtrack, more gore and better graphix. The expansion pack will be available as a free download on December 21, 2012.

Rules For War

A George W. Bush film: "Dude where's my war?"

One side shall set up the terrain, and the other choose which side to start on.
There are 3 rounds in all wars- The shooting round, the movement round, and the "Deciding who buys Doritos, pizza, and mountain dew" round.
Use cannons to knock over the opponent's soldiers, thus deciding who lives and who dies.
One foot per turn for infantry and three per turn for cavalry.
France is only a puppet for bigger countries
Russia can only win, if there is enough money from other countries
If a body of troops is within six inches of a troop of its own men, at least half the size of the advance force, it is said to be supported. If not, it is isolated.
In a melee, if both forces are even, all are destroyed - remove them from the battlefield.
If one side has more than the other, check to see if the inferior force is supported. If so, remove the entire inferior force, and an equal number of the larger force. If the inferior force is isolated, however, remove an equal number of soldiers of both sides until the larger force is twice as large as the inferior force. (Note that this may mean removing no soldiers at all!) At that point, all of the remaining men of the inferior force are captured.
Captured units may be escorted to your rear - if you get them off your edge of the board, they're out of the game. One soldier can escort up to seven prisoners. If the enemy kills an escort, the prisoners may return to their own side, but must return to the back board edge before being able to fight again.

The Name of A War

The most important aspect of a War is the name. A war without a suitably grand name becomes insignificant - for example, noone remembers the War of Jenkin's Ear.

Suitable names include The Great War (World War One would have been too pessimistic) and World War II (this time it's personal). Unfortunately sometimes leaders come up with the name of a war before they have found someone to play against (e.g. War On Terror, War on Drugs), this causes confusion and creates a situation in which the country goes to war against someone determined by the results of a game of Risk (or Twister if the mission cards can’t be found).

The coolest thing about winning a war is that you then get to decide what it's called. Winning is best achieved by either having the sexiest uniforms or the hardest special forces.

Some Significant Wars

Star Wars
SPARTA
The War of the Roses
The War of the Pansies
The War of Northern Aggression
The Great War of Wiggers
The Boer War
The Naked War
The war, which France lost against Germany
The War of 1812
(World War I) - not very important
The war on t'rr'r
(World War II) - forget about it
World War μ
Ninjas vs. Pirates
Kittenwar
NAM!- fought over food stamps and bunks on skid row.
The War on Drugs
Northern Ireland
War On Scientology
The Ebaumsworld Wars
Warcraft

Formerly-unanswered Questions in War

How Many Times Must The Cannonballs Fly, Before They're Forever Banned?

Until someone comes up with something that kills more efficiently

What Is It Good For?

Population control
Movies
Video games
Everything Israel does is justified, because Jews are victims.
To keep down the Jew global population
PWNING pussies and the French
Lulz
Pissing off hippies, and little girls who think politics are super-fantastique!
Clive Owen
The economy
Tom Hanks career

Trench Warfare

A typical day at war, note early form of leetspeak

Not to be confused with French Warfare.

Trench Warfare was an incredibly lulzy, yet primitive form of Eurotrash fortification that occurred primarily during World War I: a bunch of dudes huddled together in long, snaking pits while dodging artillery shells and grenades. This resulted in a deadlock since neither side could peek over the walls without being popped or blown to bits. Early tactics to break through these trenches included sweet, sweet mustard gas and rushing 'No-Man's Land' with entire platoons, guaranteeing swift passage to Heaven bathed in machine-gun fire. Trench warfare ended overnight when the brilliant Brits and French decided to bolt a metal box on caterpillar treads which could span No-Man's Land with few casualties. The only trenches to be dug after World War I were to dispose of Jews, gypsies, gays and Iraqi women and children.

Weapons of Warfare

1

Average American Air Force pilot

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Parties: [No beer? Fuck that.Hell yeah, a party!]

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Tactics: [Rage Quit.How do I get elect?]

2013 US Government Shutdown • Blaming China • Captain Nigga Defenda • Cloward Piven Strategy • Critical race theory • Cuckservatives • Demockery • Doomsday Clock • G20 Toronto Lollercaust • Liberal Butthurt Syndrome • Liberal guilt • Macaca • #NotMySuperbowlChamps • Occupy Democrats • Operation Lemonparty • Raped Statistics • The Resistance • Upworthy • Wunderground

Featured article June 10 2023
Preceded by Nikola Tesla	War	Succeeded by Unabomber