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Mitt Romney: Difference between revisions
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imported>Fuckchop Clarification of the "Whitecastle Incident." |
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==Controversy== | ==Controversy== | ||
According to Canadian media sources, a homeless Vietnam veteran has come forward claiming that Mitt Romney had oral sex with him in exchange for food, blankets and ‘hugs’ in the winter of 1994. Ron Whitecastle, now 63, says that Romney ‘would show-up in the alley behind the 7-Eleven all coked-up and offer bags of hamburgers to let him suck us off. We tried to explain that Slurpees and Big-Gulps had nothing to do with sperm, but he'd fly into an autistic rage and start humping the dumpster, so we let him have his way'. Experts say that <s>closet homosexuals</s> Republicans often resort to acts of intimacy with strangers of poor reputation in order to exercise their sexual urges without interference with their public life. "He would ask for reciprocation but I refused," says Whitecastle. "He also liked being slapped while he was doing his thing. He really got into it." The effects of this information on the upcoming US presidential election is not yet known and neither the Romney nor the McCain campaigns have commented.{{sauce}} | |||
==[[Obamacare]]== | ==[[Obamacare]]== | ||
Revision as of 15:08, 14 July 2012
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This article needs moar lulz and muckraking. You can help by adding moar lulz and muckraking. |
Willard Fucktard Romney (better known as "Mitt") is an American businessman and android who is in the process of buying the office of President of the United States. As soon as the check clears, he'll have the nigger evicted and restore America to its old embarrassing shitkicking self. Basically sometime in early 2012, the Republican Party realized that all their favorite candidates were too stupid and corrupt to even beat a black guy, so they settled on a Mormon android with no personality or convictions. Seeing as the majority of Americans hate Barack Hussein Obama for reasons both real and imagined (mostly imagined), Romney should have little difficulty in becoming the nation's first non-human president. The only problem is that Romney is a Mormon, and thus believes that when he dies, he and his wives will inherit a planet in outer space, where they will have endless celestial sex and bear many space children. Mitt Romney is for giving laptops to people and giving away free college. Why? For the lulz. In related news, Romney has been the subject of many flame wars on Republican blogs for flip-flops on abortion. He is loved by such Republican fags as Mann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity, even though he introduced a universal healthcare bill in his state that was identical to Obama's. But let's be honest, it was okay 'cause he ain't no nigger. Did we mention that he's a motherfucking MORMON?!!! No seriously, he's a goddamn MORMON!!!
Olympics
Mitt Romney is the guy who organized the 2002 Winter Olympics in Mormonland. In other words, you were able to watch 13 year olds prance around the ice because of him. Mitt Romney is strongly opposed, however, to any forms of child exploitation, just like many of his colleagues. Mitt said he learned a lot from the experience that inspired him to be a politician, such as "how to kick all the other countries' asses by exploiting the lives of America's youth and rub it in their faces later".
2012 Nomination
After running a shitty failure of a campaign in 2008, Romney returned to the political scene in 2011 to prove to the American people that even a faggot liberal Mormon is better than a black guy running the country. Unfortunately Romney forgot that Republicans (and people in general) still did not like him and he watched for several months as political trolls Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all got more votes than him. Eventually the NASCAR fans, child rapists, and business criminals who make up the GOP realized that Romney was their only hope to beat President Porch Monkey and they agreed to give him the nomination under the condition that he keep his magic underwear and other batshit beliefs to himself. As President he has promised to be both for and against abortion, gay marriage, and Obamacare. There has been much speculation as to whom Romney will choose as his running mate. Obviously he won't pick one with a vagina because that didn't work out so well last time. Some possibilities include: Noted fat fuck and governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, neoconservative beaner Marco Rubio, and homosexual Christfag Rick Santorum.
Controversy
According to Canadian media sources, a homeless Vietnam veteran has come forward claiming that Mitt Romney had oral sex with him in exchange for food, blankets and ‘hugs’ in the winter of 1994. Ron Whitecastle, now 63, says that Romney ‘would show-up in the alley behind the 7-Eleven all coked-up and offer bags of hamburgers to let him suck us off. We tried to explain that Slurpees and Big-Gulps had nothing to do with sperm, but he'd fly into an autistic rage and start humping the dumpster, so we let him have his way'. Experts say that closet homosexuals Republicans often resort to acts of intimacy with strangers of poor reputation in order to exercise their sexual urges without interference with their public life. "He would ask for reciprocation but I refused," says Whitecastle. "He also liked being slapped while he was doing his thing. He really got into it." The effects of this information on the upcoming US presidential election is not yet known and neither the Romney nor the McCain campaigns have commented.[sauce plz!?!1!]
Obamacare
The United States is the only industrialized nation in the world that doesnt have some sort of all around healthcare. Seeing as how Obama had to give back to the African American community and the 30 million uninsured Americans, and the thousands of college students unable to afford their current plans, he offered Obamacare. Minorities and Liberals were all for this. Not surprisingly, the Conservatives didnt take this too well as some reliable sources of info believed this was a step towards Communism/Nazism. So, since Obamacare was going to keep all those damn liberals alive and establish socialized healthcare (which already existed in medicare) what better person should use this as an excuse to try and get elected? MITT ROMNEY! Nobody has ever heard of a better choice fo-...oh wait, he passed Socialized Healthcare in Massachusetts........
SCOTUS
Now that Obamacare is technically constitutional, with the minor adjustment of a tax, instead of a fine, Mitt Romney and the United Fucktards Association whined their asses off as Supreme Court Jedi John Roberts switched sides and sided with the group that actually gives a fuck about the USA. Mitt Romney's response is hilarious, its something a fucking child would say:
Lets just debunk all this bullshit, shall we?
- Mitt Romney says he will destroy Obamacare on his first day in office, which is utter bullshit seeing as how it requires court orders and congress to repeal. Since the American Gov is too busy fisting each other, i doubt they'll take up the case until Christmas at the very least.
- Mitt Romney states that Obamacare was bad policy, even though the same fucks who worked on his bill for his state did the same thing with Obamacare. See what i mean this looking like a Child said it?
- Romney states that Obamacare raises taxes $500 billion dollars more. He fails to realize that its adjusted for income, and in reality with everyone paying taxes thats really not a lot. Every nation with healthcare does that. If he actually adjusted the numbers to state the average which everyone would pay personally, he'd realize the numbers are smaller than those who'd vote for him.
- He said Obamacare cuts medicare, another form of socialized medicine, by 500 billion dollars. This is also retarded, seeing as how the bill extends Medicare and lets everyone keep their retarded insurance that is overpriced if they want it. Sounds like a FOX news talking point.
- He said Obamacare adds trillions to a deficits, when in really it wouldnt even be close to reaching one trillion. Matter of fact the mandate is the reason its being paid for. This is like people arguing against the existence of faggots, people always state that buttsex kills. But then you point out they dont always have buttsecks, and apparently that still doesnt change their minds. Then you point out that they have buttsecks as well, but apparently they just skip right over that.
- And fuck it, everything he said he'll replace with Obamacare is already in the Obamacare law. Just find a video and look at the damn comments, people know this guy is retarded.
Other
Isn't this the same guy who was the dad of incompetent kidnappee Elizabeth Smart? You decide!
The reel Romney
Who the fuck names their kid "Mitt" anyways
Romney Appeals to the African American Demographic
He's bigger and blacker than Obama.
See also
Links
Mitt Romney doesn't believe in gay marriage, but he does believe in this