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Revision as of 05:37, 25 February 2014
Horrible-smelling hippies should have died with their idols at the beginning of the 1970s, but now instead they smell worse, form even larger drum circles, take harder drugs and listen to worse music. When the mud orgies called Grateful Dead concerts were finally quieted by the death of Jerry Garcia, the hippies latched onto Psychedelic folk. At least 20% of the people that read this encyclopedia could be called "hippies".
There are hippy sub-groups in almost every group of social misfits. Polys, furries, ravers, con geeks, all have sizable numbers of hippies in their midst. Regardless of hippy types, they are all smelly animals and should be put out of their misery as soon as possible. Note: Slayer or any other heavy metal band may kill hippies, this theory is yet to be proven by scientists.
Hippy Politics
Hippies have absolutely stupid political ideas considering every logic or rationality that may be even more retarded than them chaining themselves to trees in fail attempts to save forests. Hippy philosophy is very comprehensive, as it was developed between bong hits. Most of them are just stoned enough to notice that their ideas contradict each other, as they've been cherry-picked from various half-read pamphlets and t-shirt slogans, and so they have developed their own non-stupid philosophy. They always complain about the government, because nobody else realizes anything.
Hippies usually adopt pet causes and stick with them for lengths of time. Popular causes are environmentalism and veganism. These pet causes take control of every aspect of their life, which is why hippies are dirty ("if it's yellow let it mellow", irregularly bathing schedules, etc) and their food tastes bad ("meat is murder").
Hippie Culture
Hippies are some of the most narrow-minded, judgmental people you will ever encounter. When meeting anyone, an "all you need is love" hippie's first priority is deciding whether that person is "one of us" or not. Lulziest of all, these spiritual and non-materialistic people judge you by what you wear.
See those shapeless bags of hand-knitted brown shit? Firstly: they are expensive. Obviously so. Anything handmade is expensive because of the time it takes to make it. Secondly: the main purpose of wearing that shit is to identify you as a hippie. By wearing some rectangular brown thing, they are sending a message.
In other words: those shapeless, crudely knitted brown rags are expensive fashion statements. Actual poor people in their cheap, made-in-china polyester are not welcome in the hippie and folk community. Fucking parasites just want food or something and are only pretending to be hippies.
Activities
Dumpster Diving
Since massive LSD intake tends to retard discourage both employment opportunity and farming ability willingness to abuse people for a living, this rung of society has adapted their foraging to a behavior known colloquially as "dumpster diving". The formula goes something like this:
- Dive into dumpster.
- Eat garbage.
- ????
- Profit!
Drum Circles
Drum circles are not real. Forget everything you've heard.
Baby, you been messin' around, I've got a good mind to smack you in the bitch mouth
Mesopotamian underground pottery clubs
Regardless of the imminence of communist rule in the United States, hippies realize the importance of capitalism to the availability of necessary items, such as food and pharmaceuticals. Their work ethic slims the field of prospective employment, but an enterprising young person can learn the black arts of freeloading (since that trust fund won't last forever). The black market sells the best stuff.
"Food" Vendor
Another method of survival is selling vegan burritos and drugs. These are preferred occupations due to the small amounts of time and skill involved, and lack of requirements to shoot at people. Ironically, these are generally trust-fund kids who have rejected the life of bland luxury for a meaningful, if impoverished, life. Music festivals serve as decent cover, a place to sleep for a couple days. Piss in my mouth and I'll piss in yours.
Prostitute
If you're lucky, hippie females will perform oral sex for nitrous oxide (just listen for the pssssssssst), but due to rampant herpes and tooth decay, this is risky business.
Quotes
—Do any of you seriously still like South Park | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Anti-hippies
Anti-hippies are a type of hippie that have drastically different tastes in music and imagery, but generally keep the same shitty politics and ideologies. Contrary to what the name may suggest, anti-hippies are not rich, snobbish Republicans with radical right-wing views and wipe their asses with money. These people are generally known as douches.
Although anti-hippies are the complete opposite of hippies on the hippie-spectrum, their presence is just as terrible. Despite sharing some similar qualities (far-left ideologies, love of weed, and sometimes listen to the same crappy alternative rock and heavy metal), anti-hippies hate hippies with a passion. If you ever come face-to-face with an anti-hippie, distract them with the new Cannibal Corpse CD to make your escape. Despite famous anti hippie leaders such as Brock Days efforts in exposing hippies for what they really are; small numbers of hippies can still be found in large cities such as L.A. and around small towns in sparsely populated areas in California and rural Minnesota.
Famous Hippies
Janis Joplin
A fat, unwashed slut of a woman with nasty long hair whose greatest achievement in life was sleeping with Jimi Hendrix. She finally rid the world of her own odorous presence by eating fistfuls of every drug imaginable, but her favorite was alcohol. Sort of 'nuff said, but one more thing to add is that she started off in the 60's with a hippie band called "Big Brother and the Holding Company".
Gandhi
A pacifist who had nonviolent protests all over India. He inspired Martin Luther King to protest racism. Though ironically he saw the blacks as dirty sub-humans.
Like most Indian men, he was also a massive pervert and routinely slept in a bed with loads of naked young women, allegedly to prove how pure and in control of his baser urges he was. The fact that Gandhi apparently has fucktons of illegitimate children all over India to this day seems to be immaterial.
Jesus✡
Jesus was a hair farmer, ate organic food, wore sandals and a robe, and coined the phrase "turn the other cheek". In short, many consider Jesus the first deluded hippie. He and his brainwashed band of dirty hippies went around preaching, getting blazed, and generally causing a lot of trouble. They were also the ultimate stoners- they bathed in weed oil. Like the typical rank hippie, when he got called out on his shit, he had nothing to say. When he finally did say something, it was some "spaced out" diversionary double speak:
Pilate: Are you the king of the Jews?
Jesus: Your words, not mine.
Pilate: According to locals' wishes, hey, time to nail you to a post.
Jimi Hendrix
First nigra hippie. Great guitarist, somewhat over-rated by fanboys like Quasidan. Dressed like a soldier from the Civil War mixed with Lady Gaga. Chose to associate himself with freaks like Joplin and choked on his own vomit after eating too many drugs. Or alcohol (likely Old English or St. Ives, certainly some type of 40 oz.). No real matter or difference.
Songs like "Purple Haze" "reveal" his sexuality with the line "'Scuse me, while why'd I kiss this guy?" Or sky. But no one really gave a damn.
Ever. Srsly.
Jim Morrison
A skinny alcoholic who wrote horrible poetry that somehow passed off as music. Rock stardom got him laid, stoned, fat, and finally dead(lolbackfire). He was said to "change the face of music forever", but rather with talented and good music, it was all crap. Hippies all around will go batshit insane when insulting Morrison, which isn't too hard to do. In the end, the man finally died from a heroin overdose after getting rly, rly fat.
Still, way more fucking better than you'll ever be. And he was a hippie, which makes things a lot worse for you.
The Beatles
Some fags argue whether they were actually hippies or not, but close enough. A band of four from Liverpool, England, inspired by early American beat poetry. Allegedly did speed-balls during later recording sessions and were unwittingly introduced to LSD by an associate of an original and major proponent of the psychedelic drug, Timothy Leary. Of the four members of the Beatles, only John Lennon and George Harrison could be considered hippies, also, George and Paul were the only members of the Beatles that could play their instruments well. The Catcher in the Rye Too soon?
Frank Zappa
The only conservative hippie to ever exist, besides John Lennon (Lennon was a closet conservative troll the last few years of his life, before he was pwnt by Mark David Chapman). He argued that heavy metal was not Satanic, thus making his allegiance to Satan obvious. The Beatles ripped off a lot of their ideas from him but DON'T TELL ANYONE: IT'S A SEKRIT!!. Once took 12 hits of acid, while doing 5 grams of cocaine. He later claimed that he never did a single drug other than one joint that he didn't even inhale, and preached about practical conservatism, but we all know he was just another dirty hippie. He named his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit, for Chrissake. And don't get me started on his music.
Alice Cooper
Was a hippie for 15 minutes (and two albums) until Frank Zappa showed him how ridiculous he looked with blonde hair. Befuddled on what to do next, Alice and his other malnutritioned band members consulted every folk rock song ever and determined that hippies were weak against guillotines, booze, and boa constrictors.
Bob Marley
Made a career out of playing one chord an smoking weed a lot. The only member of the Rastafari religion to ever exist, Bob is the Che Guevara of hippies, appearing on every piece of clothing they will ever own as an excuse to smoke weed.
Timothy Leary
Discovered the benefits of eating LSD at least 100 years ago. To his credit, conned, ripped-off, and narc'd other hippies, he and his wife were once arrested for yelling too loudly whilst fucking on ketamine.
Robert Anton Wilson
Helped start Discordianism, which started off as a religion for hippies and somehow became a religion for nerds
Hunter S. Thompson
The only non-gay hippie to ever live. He briefly became popular and an old meme after he introduced his head to a handgun recently and kids on the Internets Wikipedia'd him so they could pretend they knew who he was the whole time. A known closet furry and Jew pimp, he had been caught jerking whilst hallucinating lizard orgies while yelling about golf shoes. He will be missed by hundreds of trillions of people. It is rumoured that Jews did him because he was investigating the suspicious collapse of World Trade Center 7.
Simon Posford
He is to blame for starting psytrance and encouraging white hippies to stink up Goa, India with their shit alien music.
Noam Chomsky✡
Absolute faggot. Total hippie. Shame to mankind.
Jerry Garcia
A man famous for smoking a lot of Weed. He was also known to play shitty jams on guitar, but it's not like anyone ever recorded that fucking shit, not even bootlegged. Not even the biggest hippies could be stupid enough to be into his lame fucking psuedo-folky bullshit, amirite?
Daniel Brandt
Before Daniel Brandt tried to scrub his name off of TOW and take down ED, he was no more than your average hippy. As a member of Students for a Democratic Society (an anti-Vietnam protest group), he and his dirty hippy friends went around causing trouble and burning their draft cards at political events. He technically never sold out, as he is still attempting to change the world by sticking it to the man, even as his life nears its end.
Hippycus Botanicus
This is the new, modern kind of hippy. Educaded, wears lots of green, long hair, can be found in the bushes and woods. This kind of hippy can be found on festifals while holding a camera. the only difference for this kind of hippy is that they seem to like metal. Just as the anti-hippy groups do.
Your Mom
If you're over 30, that is.
Modern Hippies
Just when you thought hippies couldn't fail more, you'll probably run across this asshole. While hippies in the 60s generated some lulz when they either died from massive drug intake or got beaten up by the pigs for being domestic terrorists and hating America, the average modern hippy is some retarded hipster who hangs out in the local cafe with his Macbook, drinking expensive coffee and writing a screenplay for what he thinks will be an independent, counter-culture sensation. He doesn't even do drugs, for fear of going to prison and getting raped. Similar to Retro Video Game Kids.
Videos
The Cure
Fucking Hippy's Double Complete Rainbowgasm
Getting Results!
See also
- Gather
- Retro
- Sebastopol
- Austin
- John F. Kennedy
- Food Not Bombs
- Charles Manson
- Vietnam War
- Menstrual painting
- The Keeper
- Liberal
- America's Third Party
- Communism
- New age
- Hathor the Cow Goddess
- Alternative Medicine
- Homeless
- Cuddle Party
- Undertakerfreak1127
- Treeman
External links
- Stupid bitch and her talking cats
- The Hippie Christian Bulletin Board
- Forum for hippy bullshit
- Hippy "anarchocommunist" bullshit blog
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Hippie is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |