Freddie Thompson

Fred Thompson, spying on Condi in the shower.

Fred Thompson. How to run a campaign.

File:Fred thompson.jpg

Once considered the GOP's Lord and Saviour as the second coming of Jesus Christ Ronald Reagan, Freddie "Fred" Thompson (aka Frankenberry) and the loyal fanbase who urged him to quit his day job on TV and re-enter IRL politics to save the party from certain defeat at the hands of any Democrat with a pulse in the 2008 US elections, are currently looking like the fools who swore the Emperor was wearing new clothes in the old fairy tale. He eventually gained even more fame by running the second most fail campaign in history behind goomba cross dresser Rudy Giuliani. Once a lazy Senator and part-time yokel with a reputation for failing upwards, this gruff Reagan Republican had spent his recent years phoning it in as NYC's District Attorney in TV's long-running legal procedural Law & Order.

It's Official. No One Gives A Shit.

His remaining base.

When other candidates are enjoying non stop spotlight and glorious discussion of the issues, Fred Thompson has been relegated to the Skid Row of Political campaigning. Basically, no one gives a fuck anymore.

	“	'We need to be a nation of high fences and wide gates.' A man in the audience called out in agreement. 'You like that?' Thompson asked hopefully. "Alright," he continued, looking for some momentum. 'Can I get a round of applause?' A few long seconds later, the crowd obliged.	„
	—CBS News December 31st 2007. Even his BASE can no longer get it up.

Iowa Caucuses 2008

The people of Iowa supports Ed's assertion on Freddie Thompson His lack of ambition was even mentioned The Lazy Slacker

Thompson On The Issues

Thompson on Gays

• National Security: Moar Bombs for dem terrorists!
• Federal Budget: OH LAWD we are DOOMED!
• Tax Reform: Get your hand out of my pocket black person!
• Healthcare: Move to France bitch if you don’t like it! I’m covered under SAG!
• Building Strong Families: And it’s not for you, Faggot.
• Immigration: A government that cannot secure its borders and determine who may enter and who may not, abrogates a fundamental responsibility. In others words: GTFO Spics!
• Education: Be moar edumocated.
• Energy Security: I don’t know what the fuck that is? But it looks good on the website.
• The Second Amendment: All god’s chilluns got guns.

History:TL;DR

Fred Thompson. He should have gone to Vegas with the kind of luck he has..

	“	The lazier a man is, the more he plans to do tomorrow	„
	—Fred Thompson -in his high school year book

Fred Thompson is -in a word- lazy. By all accounts, he was a lazy boy, a lazy teen, a lazy US Attorney and a lazy Senator. Even when courting his blue-blooded first wife, he was half-assed about it leading her father to question his acumen,lack of ambition and suitability for his daughter.

School

Fred Thompson (left). Doing Nothing..

At high school, his football coach in Lawrenceburg, Tennessee, told reporters:

	“	He was smart, but he was lazy. He probably could have been a straight-A student if he'd applied himself.	„
	—Coach

He was a clown, known for tossing ice in the cafeteria, making paper airplanes and throwing pennies at the blackboard when the teacher wasn’t looking.

Legal Practise

Fred Thompson: The Hair Days. The lights are on but ain't nobody home.

During the breaking Watergate Scandal in the early '70s, Freddie served as leader of the Republican side in the Senate's investigation of President Richard Nixon's involvement. Years after Nixon's eventual impeachment, The Freedom of Information Act released tapes of the Nixon team's secret discussions about how much shit he was in.

In a May 1973 recording, Nixon shared his concern about whether his own party would go after him with then-chief of staff Alexander Haig.

	“	He's talking to Fred Thompson.	„
	—Haig

	“	Oh shit, he's dumb as hell...Fred Thompson	„
	—Nixon

In a later conversation Nixon and lawyers were still describing Thompson as not so smart but at least he was beginning to play ball.

	“	We've got a pretty good rapport with Thompson. He came through fine for us this morning.	„
	—Nixon counsel Fred Buzhardt

	“	He isn't very smart, is he? But he's friendly.	„
	—Nixon. A nice way of saying retarded

.

The Senate

With eight years in the Senate, his legislative record was almost non-existent. A former adviser is quoted as saying:

	“	While the Senate is filled with ambitious men who aren't in a rush to get home at night, Senator Thompson kept a lean formal schedule, did the bare minimum to get by and then hightailed it to the Prime Rib or the Capital Grille.	„
	—Aide

The Run For From '08

Official campaign poster

Before being pressured to run for the Republican nomination in the middle of 2007, he was a lazy lobbyist and lazy character actor after he quit representing Tennessee in the Senate because it was too much hard work.

Even Fred Thompson doesn't think he will become president. Chatting to a television reporter, a quip from the Hollywood actor cemented the impression that his heart is not in the 2008 race.

Whist trying to motivate his studio to hurry up and interview Freddie, a Fox News exec said:

	“	The next president of the United States has a schedule to keep.	„
	—Carl Cameron

Standing beside him, a deadpan Thompson interjected:

	“	And so do I!	„
	—Frank Fred

In fact, he had absolutely no ambition to be the President of the USA, he was just too lazy to argue with those around him who were pushing him to run.

Freddie Forum

	“	Jesus talks to George....he might talk to Fred.	„
	—coopernov5[1]

	“	as long as fred erases those borders so businesses can exploit cheap labor and nukes any country that crosses us, that's all any real patriotic neocon should care about.	„
	—GoFredGO[2]

	“	Haha huckabee was really fat, i bet fred cooked his bacon after he got lipo, fred loves bacon.]	„
	—LStrauss. Neocon Cheerleader

His Political Body of Work.

Thompson using the last of his campaign funds.

Fail

• Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee: President Ulysses S. Grant
• Law and Order (Pick One): Arthur Branch
• Last Best Chance: President Charles Ross
• Racing Stripes: Sir Trenton (voice)
• Evel Knievel: Jay Sarno
• Rachel and Andrew Jackson: A Love Story; Voice of Andrew Jackson
• "Sex and the City" Politically Erect: Politician on TV
• Baby's Day Out: FBI Agent Dale Grissom
• In the Line of Fire: White House Chief of Staff Harry Sargent
• Born Yesterday: Sen. Hedges
• Barbarians at the Gate: Jim Robinson
• Matlock: Gordon Lewis and Prosecutor Mr. McGonigal
• Keep the Change: Otis
• Day-O: Frank DeGeorgio
• Stay the Night: Det. Malone
• White Sands: An Uncredited Arms Dealer (LOL WUT?!?)
• Thunderheart: William Dawes
• Bed of Lies: Richard 'Racehorse' Haynes
• Aces: Iron Eagle III Stockman
• Cape Fear: Tom Broadbent
• Curly Sue: Bernard Oxbar
• Necessary Roughness: Carver Purcell
• Class Action: Dr. George Getchell
• Flight of the Intruder: Court-Martial Captain
• Die Hard 2: Trudeau
• Days of Thunder: Big John
• The Hunt for Red October: Rear Admiral Joshua Painter - USS Enterprise
• Fat Man and Little Boy: Maj. Gen. Melrose Hayden Barry
• Roseanne: Keith Faber
• Wiseguy: Knox Pooley
• Feds: Bill Bilecki
• Unholy Matrimony: Frank Sweeny
• No Way Out: CIA Director Marshall

Headshot and Resume To Ruin Your Fucking Life Available Upon Request.

What to do if you meet Fred

• Ask him if he has “Juggling” under “Special Skills”
• Ask him when his next nap is going to be
• Talk about an issue, then point to the floor and scream SHINY OBJECT
• Tell him he's a commie.
• Wave a gun at his next rally and scream “It’s my right!”
• Ask him how close he is to Tom Cruise
• Ask for him to autograph your tits with Much Love, Richard Belzer
• Tell him you loved him in Bedtime for Bonzo

See Also

• Actor
• Lazy

External links

• Friends of Fred, or what is left of them
• Shout out to Fred
• Fred Thompson Forum for Lulzy Fun!

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