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[[Image:Homer Simpson3.gif|frame|An example of epic win in a very Left 4 Dead style]]
[[File:Epic win.jpg|link=|700px|center]]
[[Image:YourCock.JPG|thumb|right|One of the few wins on 4chan]]


'''Epic Win''' is far greater than than your normal [[Typical|casual]] [[win]]. It is something (usually a thread on [[4chan]]) that is so historic, awesome and/or filled with tremendous [[lulz]] that it will be talked about for years to come. Epic win may or may not involve a [[party van|van]], [[buy a dog|buying a dog]] or a [[final solution]] or two. '''Epic Win''' has, since its [[inception]], become an [[old meme]] and thus should never be used by anyone.


==Ways to create epic win==
'''Epic Win''' by definition, is [[win]] containing [[awsome|epic]] qualities. A win of such magnitude that it makes your jaw drop for [[At least 100|at least 100]] minutes before a sudden outburst of '''[[ALL CAPS| JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH THAT WAS FUCKING AWSEOME]]''' and consequently falling to the floor [[epilepsy|twitching and babbling incoherently]].
*[[9/11|Replacing the contents of all nearby fire hydrants with highly flammable jet fuel]]
*Faithfully answering [[Anonymous]]'s request "[[Tits or GTFO]]" by providing [[tits]]... LOTS of them.
*Having a [[lolcow]] [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING]]
*[[Mitchell Henderson|Lose your iPod]] and become [[an hero]]
*Make kids think you're Santa. Disappoint them.
[[Image:PureWin.JPG|thumb|right|This man knows what he wants in life.]]
*[[Pools Closed|Closing pools]] [[At least 100|in great numbers]]
*Having a power level of [[OVER 9000|9000+]]
*Having a penis length in double digits
*[[Holocaust|Killing]] [[Jews|Jews]]


*If you are a women:
Unfortunately this [[cancer]]-ridden term has been adopted by every [[newfag]] in existence to stumble across teh internets, [[raep|raping]] it into obscurity by applying it to any [[unfunny]] meme or [[image macro]] that trundles across their young and uninformed eyes. Also any actual win that brings about the aforementioned symptoms rarely happens, and when it does, the first [[retard]] to sputter out a term like "Epic win" in its presence will immediately ruin the moment.
#[[Rape]] a man
#Get [[pregnant]]
#[[Russian Reversal|Claim he raped you]] and have him arrested
#Have his [[child]]  
#Abuse said [[child]]
#Collect Jew
#Abuse his child [[moar]]
#Have him sent to [[jail]]
#Make sure he is [[raped]]
#[[????]]
#[[PROFIT!]]


==What to do in case of epic win==
==Instances of Epic Win==
#[[Push butan]]
[[File:Epic Dog Win.png|thumb|right|This dog has gotten itself some "Epic Win". Maybe you should [[buy a dog|buy one]].]]
#Receev [[prize]]
[[File:Futurama Universe.png|thumb|right|[[futurama|Grab a six-pack and watch the universe explode.]]]]
#[[????]]
[[File:STAR PONY WIN.png|thumb|right|[[Star Wars|Fair]] [[Ponies|enough]]]]
#[[PROFIT!]]
* '''Quitting your job and becoming a [[Gary Oak|Pokémon master]].'''
#[[LULZ|Chortle Maniacally]]
* '''Riding Christina Hendricks' [[tits|boobs]] on a magical journey across the universe.'''
* '''Repeatedly driving a giant golden monster truck over the regenerating head of [[Bill O'Reilly]] to a continuous loop of the song "Ace Of Spades".'''
* '''Drinking so much [[alcohol]] that you trip over and fall off the edge of the universe causing a rip in the space time continuum; traveling through the very fabric of the cosmos warps your features into that of Brad Pitt, and you land in an alternate reality populated solely by naked horny [[wimmin|women]].'''
* '''Being romantically involved with [[Wonder Woman]]. While having a sordid affair with Supergirl on the side. For women, being romantically involved with [[Cyborg]] and having a sordid affair with Grid on the side.'''
* '''Blowing up the moon with your [[penis]] or [[vagina]]''' or some shit.
* '''[[Holocaust|Extermination of all the Jews, Niggers, Muslim Sand Niggers, Fags, Feminists, Furries, Bronies, Manchildren and other such Undesirables from the face of the Earth]]'''


==Acclaimed Example of Epic Win==
As you have undoubtedly noticed, none of of this [[crap]] has, or ever will, occur [[IRL]], especially not [[you|your]] real life. Because things like "epic win" don't really exist, it's just a pathetic phrase used by [[loser|losers]] all across the world, any chance of it's meaning truly becoming an actuality is significantly low. Look at your pitiful, boring, frail [[no life|excuse of an existence]], because that is all you have. You will never experience "Epic Win" and neither will anybody else, because all you have is that uncomfortable office chair you're sitting in and the unnatural florescent glow of the computer screen floating in the reflection of your tired eyes. Your life will never ever ever contain Epic Win, but maybe, just maybe, if you look at the following tragic "examples" below you can [[unrealistic expectations|harbor some faint possibility that it may]]. Go on. Delude yourself.
''
I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:


I got a vasectomy.
=='''EPIC WINZ!!1!!1'''==
{{cg|Gallery of "Epic Win"|sp|center|<gallery>
File:Gladiator1.gif
File:Neo versus Sub-Zero.gif
File:Lolarcopguy.gif
File:Batman Lightsaber shark.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Monster truck backflip.gif
Image:Dear Diary Jackpot!.jpg
File:Epic Zebra win.jpg
File:Star Wars Rock Band.jpg
File:Motorbike Explosion.jpg
File:Seinfeld StarWars.jpg
File:JetPlane WaterSkis.png
File:Black Jesus.png|[[Black Jesus|Some say that nigorz contain epic win.]]
File:Motherfucking Dinosaur Lazers.jpg|Apparently [[dinosaurs]] are involved somehow.
File:Dinosaurs lasers.png
File:Epic win velociraptor.jpg
File:T-rex F14.jpg
File:Blood Of the Lamb Motherfucker.jpg|[[Jesus]] also.
File:Jesusgun bottle.jpg
File:Muscle Jesus.png
File:Jesus Rides Dinosaur.jpg|Combining the two doesn't hurt either...
File:Jesus on dinosaur.jpg
File:Jesus on dinosaur 2.jpg
File:Jesus loves dinosaurs.jpg
File:RaptorJesus2.jpg|Inevitable [[Raptor Jesus]] is inevitable.
File:Raptorjesus.jpg
</gallery>
}}


I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.


I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
[[File:Raptorjesuscamp.gif|center|frame|[[loli|Children]] experience epic win in the glorious [[Orgasm|orgasmic]] beams of [[Raptor Jesus]]]]


We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.


Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
<center>{{frame|<big>'''Animated example of "Epic Win"'''</big><br>
<youtube>egcXvqiho4w</youtube>|border=pink|background=pink}}</center>


At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
<center>{{frame|<big>'''Compilation of "Epic Win"'''</big><br>
<youtube>7sgNJHcqED8</youtube>|border=red|background=red}}</center>


So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
===Example of an "Epic Win" story===
<small>see also: [[Copypasta]]</small>


Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
''Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.''


It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
''Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.''


I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
''Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”''


She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
''And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.''


Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
''I have never felt any more [[orgasm|satisfaction]] than the moment I heard that sob.''


I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
==Epic Ween==
{{achtung|EPIC WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!}}
[[File:Epic ween trollan.jpg|thumb|right|An artist's impression.]]
Because of the aforementioned co-option of the phrase 'epic win' by [[faggots]] and the [[old meme|resultant overuse thereof]], the phrase ''''epic ween'''' was coined. In sharp contrast to epic win, epic ween is an overwhelmingly negative term used mainly in [[trolling]] circles to deride the efforts of [[newfag]] failtrolls. It is most often used nowadays in conjuction with the trolling of [[Chris-chan]] and similar [[lolcows]], but not always.


I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
Not to be confused with actual epic win (which it is most definitely not), epic ween is best described thusly:


I tell her simply, "You're screwed".
Imagine, if you will a [[13 year old boy|14-year-old]] with [[Asperger's syndrome]] who has just discovered 4chan's /[[b]]/ [[last Thursday|last week]] and now, hiding his [[acne]]-riddled face behind his [[Guy Fawkes]] mask [[memefag|spewing memes at all in earshot like projectile vomit]], is laboring under the [[delusion]] that he's part of some super seekrit [[Fight Club]]-esque underground [[trolling]] movement that does bad things and is [[hardcore]] (in short, what the entirety of [[newfags|modern day /b/]] apparently thinks).


Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
Now imagine the sort of [[fail|trolling]] that chortling, shithead kid would do, both [[OTI|on the Internet]] and [[IRL]]. ''That'' is epic ween.


I continue. "I am sterile"
The antics of epic weeners are generally looked upon with scorn by real trolls for being unfunny, tryhard and [[retarded]]. More often than not, epic weeners will attempt to create intricately crafted '[[trollsona|trollsonas]]', aliases that they will go under while their trolling is ongoing. All this serves to do, however, is highlight their [[faggotry]] even more as these trollsonas will inevitably have some kind of tryhard [[gay|hardcore]] sounding name or be based on a character from some lame film, television show or video game that the epic weener thinks is cool.


Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n21EqZI3nPg What 'epic ween' sounds like...]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4mkAw9Be-k Epic ween in action.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nVEaC71VBg Yet more epic weenery.]


I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
==See Also==
 
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."
 
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
 
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
 
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
 
Epilogue -
 
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
 
The Moral of the Story -
 
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
''
 
===Moar Epic Win===
''<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
 
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
 
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
 
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.''
 
==Videos==
 
{{fv|background-color: #FF0000;|font-weight: bold;|<youtube>dhJCGpZvOhU</youtube>|<youtube>V0iDmSTID18</youtube>|<youtube>4RCI8D8avGI</youtube>|<youtube>eAPcwiUbWpc</youtube>}}<br>/b/rotha's got some skills...
 
==Epic fail: the opposite of epic win==
*[[Epic Fail]]
*[[Epic Fail]]
*[[The Cancer That Is Killing /b/]]
*[[David Miscarriage|David Miscavige]]
*[[Mrfetch]]
*[[DSFARGEG]]
*[[Epin]]
*[[Epin]]
*[[you|YOU]]
*[[Cancer]]
*[[13 year old boys]]
*[[lulz]]- A much nobler cause
* [[List of ways to win at the internet]]
* [[Fail to Win]]
* [[A winner is you]]
* [[You Win the Prize]]
* [[Winrar]]


==What to do in case of epic fail==
==External Links==
*[[Shoop da Whoop|Fire your lazers]] at [[Newfag|source of fail]]
*Release the fury of [[EFG]]
*[[KILL IT WITH FIRE]]


==Gallery of Win==
*[http://www.epicwin.net/ Some cancerous unfunny website by the name of Epic Win]
{{pixpls}}


<center><gallery>
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/EpicWinNet?ob=5 Their abhorrent youtube channel]  
Image:Ax epic win.JPG
Image:revenge-2.jpg
Image:Ew1.jpeg
Image:Ew2.jpeg
Image:Ew3.jpeg
Image:Ew2.gif
Image:Ew4.jpeg
Image:Deliverepicwin.JPG
Image:Meanpokemonss3.jpg|Epic win on the left, fugly weeaboo on the right.
Image:epicwinandfailequalswin.jpg|doing it right
Image:Epic Win Schlafly.JPG|Epic win [[Andy Schlafly|epic loser]]
Image:AviationSecurityEpicWin.jpg|[[Party Van]] pwned by [[Trolling IRL|IRL Trolls]]
</gallery></center>
 
==See Also==
*[http://www.4chanarchive.org 4chan Archive] for archived [[epic threads]]


{{Language}}
{{Language}}
{{Boring}}
{{Timeline|Featured article December 2 & December 3, [[2011]]|[[Bill9929]] and [[Kevin Provance]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Jim Profit]]}}
 
[[Category:Stub]]
 
[[Category:Memes]]
[[Category:Memes]]

Latest revision as of 20:09, 8 November 2018


Epic Win by definition, is win containing epic qualities. A win of such magnitude that it makes your jaw drop for at least 100 minutes before a sudden outburst of JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH THAT WAS FUCKING AWSEOME and consequently falling to the floor twitching and babbling incoherently.

Unfortunately this cancer-ridden term has been adopted by every newfag in existence to stumble across teh internets, raping it into obscurity by applying it to any unfunny meme or image macro that trundles across their young and uninformed eyes. Also any actual win that brings about the aforementioned symptoms rarely happens, and when it does, the first retard to sputter out a term like "Epic win" in its presence will immediately ruin the moment.

Instances of Epic Win

This dog has gotten itself some "Epic Win". Maybe you should buy one.
Grab a six-pack and watch the universe explode.
Fair enough

As you have undoubtedly noticed, none of of this crap has, or ever will, occur IRL, especially not your real life. Because things like "epic win" don't really exist, it's just a pathetic phrase used by losers all across the world, any chance of it's meaning truly becoming an actuality is significantly low. Look at your pitiful, boring, frail excuse of an existence, because that is all you have. You will never experience "Epic Win" and neither will anybody else, because all you have is that uncomfortable office chair you're sitting in and the unnatural florescent glow of the computer screen floating in the reflection of your tired eyes. Your life will never ever ever contain Epic Win, but maybe, just maybe, if you look at the following tragic "examples" below you can harbor some faint possibility that it may. Go on. Delude yourself.

EPIC WINZ!!1!!1

Gallery of "Epic Win" About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


Children experience epic win in the glorious orgasmic beams of Raptor Jesus


Animated example of "Epic Win"

Compilation of "Epic Win"

Example of an "Epic Win" story

see also: Copypasta

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”

And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.

I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

Epic Ween

EPIC WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!
An artist's impression.

Because of the aforementioned co-option of the phrase 'epic win' by faggots and the resultant overuse thereof, the phrase 'epic ween' was coined. In sharp contrast to epic win, epic ween is an overwhelmingly negative term used mainly in trolling circles to deride the efforts of newfag failtrolls. It is most often used nowadays in conjuction with the trolling of Chris-chan and similar lolcows, but not always.

Not to be confused with actual epic win (which it is most definitely not), epic ween is best described thusly:

Imagine, if you will a 14-year-old with Asperger's syndrome who has just discovered 4chan's /b/ last week and now, hiding his acne-riddled face behind his Guy Fawkes mask spewing memes at all in earshot like projectile vomit, is laboring under the delusion that he's part of some super seekrit Fight Club-esque underground trolling movement that does bad things and is hardcore (in short, what the entirety of modern day /b/ apparently thinks).

Now imagine the sort of trolling that chortling, shithead kid would do, both on the Internet and IRL. That is epic ween.

The antics of epic weeners are generally looked upon with scorn by real trolls for being unfunny, tryhard and retarded. More often than not, epic weeners will attempt to create intricately crafted 'trollsonas', aliases that they will go under while their trolling is ongoing. All this serves to do, however, is highlight their faggotry even more as these trollsonas will inevitably have some kind of tryhard hardcore sounding name or be based on a character from some lame film, television show or video game that the epic weener thinks is cool.

See Also

External Links

Epic Win is part of a series on Language & Communication
Languages and Dialects • Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Style, and Usage • Rhetorical Strategies • Poetry • The Politics of Language and Communication • Media • Visual Rhetoric
Click topics to expand
Featured article December 2 & December 3, 2011
Preceded by
Bill9929 and Kevin Provance 		Epic Win Succeeded by
Jim Profit
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