Battle of Sedan

When your 'glorious empire' lasts about three seconds into a real fight.

Once upon a time, in 1870, the French Empire, led by the walking L Napoleon himself, decided they could totally swing their baguettes at Prussia and not get annihilated. This was the Battle of Sedan, otherwise known as the historical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel and breaking your spine.

In the beginning

The French thought they'd flex on Prussia, but forgot that their army was basically a cosplay convention compared to the Prussian Doom Machine. They wandered into Sedan like idiots and thought "Oui, zis is strategic!" Meanwhile, the Prussians surrounded them like a middle school dodgeball team targeting the weak kid.

By September 1st, 1870, Napoleon III was asking how to spell "surrender" in German. The French army got their asses kicked so hard that the soundwaves caused every wine bottle in France to shatter.

French Copium and Anon

French officers bravely attempted to retreat into rivers, forests, and their own asses. Anonymous historians agree: no amount of baguette-chucking or existential whining was saving them. Napoleon III personally surrendered like a true sigma male (on his knees, crying, and hoping Bismarck wouldn't take his wallet too).

Meanwhile, in Berlin, the Prussians were too busy victory dancing and updating their wiki pages to even bother mocking them properly.

The AIDs Spreads to Paris

Word of the catastrophic L reached Paris and, like true Frenchmen, they immediately staged a revolution. "You surrendered? TIME FOR A NEW GOVERNMENT!" became the national slogan.

They threw out Napoleon III and accidentally speedran France into the Third Republic and, eventually, their favorite pastimes: arguing, drinking wine, and LARPing about freedom.

Quotes of Absolute Humiliation

	“	The French army thought they were in a fencing duel. The Prussians brought a chainsaw.	„
	—- Every German war historian ever

	“	France's strategy: Walk into the trap and hope Bismarck just forgets.	„
	—- Historian with a wine addiction

	“	You can hear Napoleon III's ego collapsing from across the Rhine.	„
	—- A Prussian meme lord

	“	Sedan: because "Hold my beer" is an official military tactic.	„
	—- Anonymous French survivor

Previous Quote | Next Quote

The Fallout

After Sedan, the Prussians pretty much Thanos-snapped the Second French Empire out of existence. Napoleon III became a full-time unemployed sad boy, Paris was about to have the Communard Furry Convention (also known as the Paris Commune), and Germany was basically founded in the Hall of Mirrors because why not humiliate France a little more.

	“	When you lose so badly they create a whole new country next door to mock you.	„
	—Everyone with a functioning brain

External Links

• Franco-Prussian War
• Napoleon III
• Otto von Bismarck
• Surrendercore Music (Genre)