Manti Te'o

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Manti Te'o is a totally straight Mormon football hero who definitely was not banging a Christian guy named Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, because that would be gay, and this guy is totally super straight.

Lennay Kekua was a hoax perpetrated by the much less to lose Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, and not just an alias that Heisman Trophy nominee and NFL hopeful Te'o used for Tuiasosopo so that his super religious family wouldn't know that he was in a gay relationship. That most certainly is not how we're going to remember it.

The Hawaiian Dicking That Never Was

Before it was even known that Te'o was dating ~~someone that didn't exist~~ a guy, he was famous for playing handegg at the University of Notre Dame. Due to sheer luck, biased referees, and playing only the shittiest teams in the entire country, Notre Dame managed to go undefeated in the 2012 college handegg season. Of course, when they actually got to the national championship game, they choked harder than Amanda Todd on a bleach-flavored cock and lost in one of the humiliating losses in the entire history of the sport to fucking Alabama.

This entire time, Te'o was being considered for the Heisman Trophy, the biggest dick-stroking in all of college football, due to the fact that he claimed that he lost his grandmother and e-girlfriend all on the same day, chalking up his entire candidacy for the Heisman to a sympathy vote. Of course, he still lost to a freshman named Johnny Football, so it turned out to all be for nothing.

It wasn't until January of 2013 that a Deadspin article alleged that the story about Manti's girlfriend was not only a hoax, but Kekua never existed in the first place. The entire sports media shat a collective brick heard round the world, prompting Notre Dame to go into full damage control mode and have their Jew athletic director cry on camera:

Pretty pathetic, right? It only got worse from there.

A Tale of Two Sea Niggers

The Great Hawaiian Shit Typhoon began stirring less than twelve hours later. Immediately, everyone from ESPN to Fox News pointed out the obvious: The story Te'o fed and Notre Dame endorsed to cover their own ass was so patently retarded and was such obvious bullshit that only the most gullible retard on the planet could have believe it. At first, Te'o claimed to have fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book, pretending to be someone else on a dating website, something only Chris-chan falls for on a regular basis. Less than 24 hours later, the story changed: It wasn't just any troll, it was one of Te'o's best friends.

The more this closeted sea nigger opened his mouth, the more bullshit kept spewing out. Literally every single alteration to the story that he or one of his spokespeople (read: his parents) made was contradicted by something said earlier in a previous interview made on live television. Realizing they couldn't bullshit the very people who made Te'o famous in the first place, they instead opted for the 'everyone please feel sorry for me' tactic, while refusing to let Manti have his own interview.

First, Manti claimed that 'Lennay Kekua' was nothing more than your garden variety troll. We at ED would be the first to admit that anyone who can pull this off for at least three fucking years without as much as a hint of suspicion is probably one of the most dedicated and masterful trolls we've ever seen, especially considering the publicity it generated and how thoroughly it ruined Te'o's image. Of course, that's not the case, so the point is moot.

Second, Manti claimed it was one of his 'best friends' or one of his 'cousins' or some shit (it switched back and forth day-to-day). He immediately claimed the culprit was one Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a friend of Manti's, despite the above video claiming it was just a couple of garden-variety trolls.

Then came January 25th:

Apparently, Tuiasosopo has a more feminine voice than most actual post-op transsexuals. After realizing he admitted to spending eight hours at a time fapping to a man's voice over the phone on national television, an actual woman came forward (probably at Manti's insistence on closing the closet door as fast as he possibly can) claiming to be the voice on the recorded phone voicemails.

This is an ongoing event, so expect frequent updates.

The Eruption of Bullshit Mountain

Te'o claimed that Lennay Kekua was just your typical troll. If it is, they should be entered into the trolling hall of fame for having the dedication to stick to this for three to four years and having Manti be none the wiser for the entire time, only to garner this kind of publicity.
After Kekua's 'car crash,' Te'o was actually less than two hours away from the hospital she was supposedly at. If he believed this was true, what better way to meet someone for the first time than after they nearly died? He didn't. And the reason was because he didn't think daddy would let him.
Both Te'o and Te'o's father have said on television that they met Kekua in person, and later recanted.
Te'o has a reputation at Notre Dame for being a pathological liar and attention whore, even among other players on the Notre Dame handegg team. He could have also taken his pick of pretty much any girl on the campus, but instead wanted to be with some bitch he's never met and has only spoken to over the phone. Remember, he's not gay!
Look at him, that's a faggot if we've ever seen one.

Gallery

A Treasure Trove of Te'o About missing Pics

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External Links

Deadspin - Manti Te’o’s Dead Girlfriend, The Most Heartbreaking And Inspirational Story Of The College Football Season, Is A Hoax.
United Press International - Manti Te'o hoax: 'Teoing' mocks Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend.
teoing - Collected 'Teoing' images.