Chicago Cubs
The Chicago Cubs are an incredibly bad Major League Baseball team. This, on its own, would not warrant an Encyclopedia Dramatica article, but when you couple the fact that the Cubs suck so bad with the fact that the team trolls their own fans, the whole subject gains new light. Not only do the Cubs rip the beating hearts out of their fan’s chests every year, they are also the subject of various blogs, forums, and websites where all you can hear are the wailings and moanings of their emotionally destroyed devotees.
Whole television shows, businesses, and even curses have been created to explain this phenomena, but the plain fact of the matter is that the Chicago Cubs will never win a World Series ever again…because God hates them.
Things That Have Happened in the 108 years between Cubs World series wins
- Radio was invented; Cub fans got to hear their team lose.
- TV was invented; Cub fans got to see their team lose.
- Baseball added 14 teams; Cub fans got to see AND hear their team lose to more teams.
- George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
- Haley's Comet passed Earth... twice.
- Harry Caray was born... and died. Incredible, but true.
- The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
- The Chicago White Sox became the only "second" team for a city to outdo its primary team.
- Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
- Sixteen US presidents were elected.
- There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
- Prohibition was created, and repealed.
- The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion picture.
- Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
- A combination of 40 summer & winter Olympics have been held.
- Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
- Bell bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in style.
- The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks, and Florida Marlins have ALL won the World Series.
- The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games and have lost the majority of them.
- Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the Union.
The Curse of the Billy Goat
Cubs fans, tired of lifting their arms to the heavens and asking God “WHY?” have formulated several curses to explain their team’s lack of winning. All of these curses, much like any other form of voodoo, are pure garbage. The real reason why the Cubs repeatedly suck is because their owners, front office, management, and players are all dumbshits. Seriously, spend some of that money you are bilking out of your fans and buy yourself a few good players. You may just win something.
Ways to Rip the Beating Heart From the Chest of a Cubs Fan
- Be Steve Bartman, and blow the playoffs for your team.
- Hire Dusty Baker and then get rid of him.
- Hey Cubs fans…White Flags traditionally mean that you have given up.
- Mention that the 2005 World Series Champions were the Chicago White Sox.
- Win the pennant every three years and still fail to win the World Series.
- Tinker to Evers to Chance
- Show them a Black Cat at Shea Stadium.
- Remind them of the 1984 National League Championship series. Choke! Choke! Choke!
- Or this year.
- Or this year.
- Or this year.
- Or this year.
- Or this year.
- Or this year.
- File for bankruptcy
- Give Carlos Zambrano 91 million dollars
- I think it's time Milton looked at himself in the mirror.
- Put a huge billboard up in left field. Oh, and the sponsor is Toyota...double fail.
- Be ESPN or every baseball blog ever and predict them to win the awful NL Central, or if you're feeling especially trollface, tell them they'll win a pennant.
- Remind them they're leading the MLB's road attendance because people got tired of seeing the Yankees beat their home team.
How to Troll a Cubs Fan
Shame on you, haven't they suffered enough?
Jokes
Mark Prior and Frank Thomas both die. God shows Mark Prior around heaven. They finally get to Mark Prior's new house. Its a smaller one bedroom with faded cubs banners and a few hats. God looks at him and says, "Be happy, most people don't even get a house". Prior then looks over on a hill and sees a huge mansion with White Sox flags, banners, jerseys etc.... And Prior says "Why does Frank Thomas get such a nice house and mine is so bad!" God says, "That's not Frank Thomas' house. Its mine".
ATTENTION FANS...ATTENTION FANS...WILL THE MOTHER WHO LEFT HER NINE KIDS AT WRIGLEY FIELD PLEASE PICK THEM UP? THEY'RE BEATING THE CUBS 4-1 IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH.
Q: What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?
A: "Don't do anything til I get back."
Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
A: Two sips and then you choke.
Q: What's the difference between Denny Neagle and a Cubs season ticket holder?
A: Both walk away drunk and in handcuffs, but at least Denny didn't overpay.
Q: How can you tell it's summer in Chicago?
A: The Cubs are in 4th place.
Q: What happens the second day of the baseball season?
A: The Cubs are mathematically eliminated from winning the World Series.
Milton Bradley
When one googles for images of "Milton Bradley Cubs", they come across a story board. It almost seems unlikely that this wasn't intentional, whether it be by Google or some really nerdy baseball fans.
They Did It
Somehow the Cubs managed to pull together a decent team that beat the Indians in a World Series ending their 108 year drought. Unforunatley, in 2018 they managed to choke to the fucking Rockies in the NL Wild Card, so lets sit back and wacth this team become the laughing stock of the MLB in the next few years.
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See Also
- Fail
- Loser
- New York Yankees - The polar opposite of this team.
External Links
- Snopes discussion
- Cubs Suck Club
- Billy Goat Tavern homepage
- Oh shit, they have a wiki.
- Cubs Choke
- Facebook page: Biggest Joke in Professional Sports
- Wait till next year...
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