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ISIS
ISIS, which stands for I Suck Israel's Semen and also Intense Sex Involving Sheep, is a group of neckbeard Mohammedan LARPers who take historical re-enactment of the Quran REALLY FUCKING SERIOUSLY.
It's basically IRL D&D without the dice and less the same amount of Djinns but all the faggotry, featuring realistic weapons like swords, stones, and torches which would be unsafe to use in a basement (but don't point out to them that AK-47s are anachronistic). So they play it outside in the desert where nobody fucking cares except for aid workers anyone who stumbles upon active player characters during their ongoing LARP which they plan to play for at least 100 1,000 years. Not realizing that Y2K has come and gone since their game is set in the 7th century, when this millenarian death cult encounters non-player characters (which they call apostates or infidels or kafir according to their rulebook), they will violently murder them because they are all angry virgins. Their gamemaster is called a "caliph."
Western media describes the Islamic State or ISIS, ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant), or just The Caliphate as a jihadi uprising funded by the Republican Party and Israel to punish Obama for withdrawing the troops from Iraq, and Bashar-al-Assad for being friends with Putin and not allowing the speedy construction of a pipeline, and the Kurds because fuck them.
Conservatives would have you believe this is what happens when American interests co-opt Al-Qaeda under the command of a muslim nigger president from Kenya, however in reality the caliphate is a stable Sunni traditionalist state ruled by Shari'a law and with the intention of forcefully liberating fellow unrepresented Sunni Muslims in neighboring Western-controlled dictatorships. Their methods are often portrayed as barbaric by the media of larger industrial nations more accustomed to heavy firepower and good old fashioned carpet bombing than throat-slitting or scorpion bombs.
The group is led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi(also known as Caliph Ibrahim and Big Daddy Baghdadi). Abu is a Mexican convert who was probably trained by Mossad. Isis plans to create a caliphate(Islamic empire) that will spread from Iraqi/Syrian region to Austria, Morocco, India, parts of China, the entire Middle East, and Parts of Africa, assuming they don't get eventually #rekt by Assad. They are even recruiting from Britfagistan, including 16 year old girls to provide jihadi brides. The anguished cries of "Too old!" have proven numerous. The group threatens everybody in the middle east. Although they seem like srs bsns they ride around in 1980s pickup trucks. Isis used to be a cell of Al-qaeda. But like a black father, Al Qaeda abandoned them and claimed they had nothing to do with them after it turned out ISIS were too fucking hardcore. Recently the occupational ape Obama authorized air strikes on ISIS, which caused mass butthurts amongst the sandniggers. The Islamic state spreads throughout the banks of the Tigris and the Euphrates, controlling some of the biggest cities in Iraq and Syria, all the way to Libya and Afghanistan.
The "Islamic State" is the state of mind where you kill everyone who has a different state of mind. For example, Mao Zedong, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, and Pol Pot were all in the Islamic State at some point in their lives. Most serial killers, terrorists, and spree killers were also in the Islamic State at the time of their murders. Anders Behring Breivik is a recent textbook embodiment of the Islamic State. Recently Boko Haram reportedly "joined" the Islamic State, but their brains have always been in the Islamic State. A person cannot "join" the Islamic State like a person cannot "join" dementia. The degradation of the brain gets worse over time and life expectancy for those in the Islamic State is typically less than five years. There is no known cure for the Islamic State, although robotic drones can improve the brain function of those afflicted.
Geography
Although the term Caliphate has unfortunate connotations of World Domination, the actual territorial ambitions and holdings of ISIS overlap and correspond precisely with most of Iraq's and Syria's oilfields when grouped together. This has allowed the Royal House of Saud to freely manipulate the price of oil at whim, which is why Americans enjoyed a Merry Christmas in 2014 but not such a surefire prosperous New Year.
The Islamic State's territory is in constant expansion but as of January 2015 it stretches from West to East from the Fascist-held Syrian coast to the outskirts of Bagdad, and from the Turkish (Kurdish) border to the North to the desert to the South. It comprises (when the rest of Syria is liberated) the Northernmost Arabic-speaking Sunni provinces of the Middle East.
The Islamic State maintains good communication with its foreign partners in the World scene, sharing a peaceful border with Turkey, and remaining always open to negotiations of POW exchange with its current enemies. The Islamic State does not currently recognize or maintain diplomatic relations with the State of Israel. The Office of the Caliph has produced this study to present the Islamic State's current position in relation to the United Nations Security Council.
Social Media
Since the Islamic State is a melting pot for Sunni Muslims of Arabic origin throughout the diaspora or converted by seeing the light of the Prophet, (may Allah bless him and grant him Peace), the country has been able to produce above-standard digital entertainment that puts Nollywood and Bollywood to shame.
The most popular Islamic State series in the West is Lend me your Ears, which is not about body mutilation as crappy Western news channels would have you believe
This is a short video produced by the Ministry of Tourism of Mosul:
Previous Video | Next Video
Learning from their child brides, ISIS members have the developed a compulsion to post every aspect of their lives on Twitter or Instagram. Unlike your typical teenage camwhore, however, ISIS tweets tend to be quite lulzy, often involving the beheading of government officials, and the theft of American tanks and kittens and tweeting it to americans for the lulz. The holy warriors of ISIS may be brutal psychopathic murderers, but they are not without a sense of humor. They shopped a picture of the First Negress after stealing equipment the U.S. had originally given to Iraq.
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Sadly, however, if ISIS were looking for attention, their efforts are all in vain because all the politically illiterate trendies on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter are having too much fun whining about the wormy kikes in Israel blowing up terrorists poor, innocent, noble Palestinians who'd never hurt anybody than to bother caring about all the atrocities committed by a bunch of butthurt sand niggers.
ISIS declares war against Twitter
Last Thursday, some ISIS virgin was butthurt from being b& by Twitter, so naturally, ISIS called for the death of Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey by lions. You can't make this shit up.
While most trolls usually start socking after a ban, an online fatwa on the founder of a website is a fresh twist. After all these years, why didn't anybody ever consider putting a hit out on god-king Jimbo Larry Sanger Ben Kovitz? It's uncertain whether the Twitter ban was related to #OpISIS by Anonymous, but the odds are over 9000% that Jack Dorsey has them to thank for having to be professionally disappeared.
World Domination Plan
ISIS released a map showing their master plan, That would be good and all except for the fact, The map they released was taken from a Paradox Interactive game called Victoria 2
Construction business
Carrying on the tradition of the Bin Laden construction dynasty which had planned for years to renovate the World Trade Center, ISIS took it upon themselves to use some IDF D9 Killdozers (which are nicknamed Doobi, Hebrew for teddy bear) to renovate the ancient sand castles of Hatra, Nimrud, and Dur Shoryuken aka the Fortress of Sargon. Inspired by Bayformers Revenge of the Fallen and its giant robot (wrecking) balls, the ISIS Constructicons came in like Miley Cyrus and combined to form Devastator, and he used his vortex grinder to suck up the stones that hid the star harvester inside. ISIS also demolished Saddam Hussein's tomb for the lulz, since Saddam (peace be upon him) was the only one insane enough to keep ISIS in check. It's common knowledge that George W. Bush invaded Iraq so that ISIS could take over. You can't increase military funding each year in the absence of blowback.
—some French guy | ||
ISIS said they were destroying graven images and idolatry, while probably filming the whole thing. These sites had been left alone by other Mudslimes for thousands of years, but not until ISIS did anyone suddenly realize that everybody had been wrong all this time, just like with gay marriage. Iconoclasm and the destruction of artifacts is extremely common among sandniggers because depictions of Allah or Muhammed such as statues or cartoons are a painful reminder that there is no Allah. Images of Allah or Muhammed don't conceal Allah, they conceal nothing, and that is why they must be destroyed. Also, the destruction of history allows ISIS to rewrite it, or live outside of it. Contrary to popular belief, history isn't written by the victors, history is written by bulldozers, as Palestinians and Rachel Corrie learned firsthand -- although usually any heavy machinery with tank tread will do. Maktub. And so it is written. The ideal bulldozer is one with Mohammed's face printed largely on the dozer blade and it works to destroy all graven images, even digital ones, you just point it at the data center.
Also as part of ISIS's aggressive renovation business, they claimed to have worked on a museum in Tunisia by exterminating some of the invasive foreign pests inside. And some ISISts wearing casts also performed some demolition work and carpet renovations during Friday prayers at two mosques in Sanaa, Yemen, at the Al Badr mosque and Al Hashoosh mosque. Hopefully now anybody wearing casts will be shot on sight.
#Goals
ISIS wants to destroy memory. Most people do that with intoxicants, but since intoxicants are haram to Mudslimes, ISIS destroys the memories of others. Whether it's separating brains from necks, bulldozing statues, destroying tombs, blowing up museums, or renovating mosques, or banning the teaching of art, literature, national history, music, and Christianity, all memories must go -- unless it's the journal or resting place of a 7th century violent sand pedo. This kablammo tradition goes back to the Conquest of Mecca, after which Muhammad destroyed the pagan idols in the city and sent others to destroy all pagan temples in Eastern Arabia. So destroying things is fine as long as you label it "pagan" or "unbeliever" first.
ISIS hopes for a kind of Al-zheimic paradise on Earth. A kind of worldwide anterograde amnesia, with no new memories created after 632 CE when The Prophet, peace be upon him, died, making his band even more famous. Beheading videos kind of contradict this goal, but they show firsthand the destruction of memory, and the media is all too helpful in propagating them so that eventually the victim's family members will have their memories of their loved ones destroyed too.
Strengths
The main asset for ISIS is a huge stock of shiny new Humvees, sheep-whores, boy-whores ("bacha bazi"), helicopters, opium, girly magazines, fighter planes, ornamental concrete barricades, double ended dildos power plants, and a huge computer network they can use to identify and kill people at checkpoints who once talked to the wrong guy. They found these neatly tied up in Christmas packages tagged "To Whomever Conquers These Losers", left behind by legions of Iraqi soldiers implementing step 1 in nation-building (run awaaaaaaay!). To this can be added more than $9000 billion in funds they looted from a bank in Mosul, in the form of an IOU from "the guys who embezzled the Americans' mooooney!" They're working on getting it cashed.
Weaknesses
Against the mighty forces of ISIS are arrayed a vast panoply of America's newest friends in the region: Assad, Iran, and Hezbollah. No word yet if the North Koreans are joining in. For $100 million a day the Turks and Saudi Arabia might get involved. The goal is to smash all the ISIS equipment the U.S. provided them, then give America's new friends the same equipment, then replace the equipment for the "liberated" Iraq. At 2% cost plus that's enough profit to buy half the U.S., mostly borrowed from China in exchange for a promise they can put brain implants in future generations and use them for cheap labor.
Like all fourth world shitstains, ISIS has a weakness for soccer. These poor sand ninjas love soccer so Allah damn much, they have resorted to using decapitated human heads as soccer balls. Guys! It's okay! We can drop, like, a million soccer balls with Mohammed's face printed on them in Dabiq, Syria. Your homemade balls aren't up to World Cup regulations! And several goalies have complained. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "head the ball." That's definitely a red card.
Gallery
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Abu Waheeb, leader of ISIS forces in Iraq -
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Every A-10 pilot's dream -
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The campaign setting of ISIS -
Normal brain vs. the Islamic State -
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A message to America -
Batshit insane, yet still hilarious -
Bulldozer of fallujah, thefinal bossmini-boss of ISIS. -
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Links
- How do I join ISIS?
- ISIS propaganda video -Isis doing drive by shootings and killing Iraqi soldiers. Really hardcore shit.
- ISIS jokes about using severed head as soccer ball
- US Intelligence is watching out for re-tweeters
I Can Haz Islamic State Plz - ISIS' twitter account
- Al Turaab, a jihadi
- ISIS media hub
See also
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ISIS is part of a series on Visit the Social Media Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article December 29 & 30, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Luka Magnotta |
ISIS | Succeeded by North Korea |