- Portals
- The Current Year
- ED in the News
- Admins
- Help ED Rebuild
- Archive
- ED Bookmarklet
- Donate Bitcoin
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.
Garrett Simmers
|
Garrett Simmers looks like it was written by pseudo-intellectual 13-year-old boys. Look out for unfunny Uncyclopedia bullshit, boring in-jokes, and angsty teen-ery. You could also add in actual humor.
|
|
This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
|
Garrett Simmers is an irrelevant lolcow who had long since been milked by the masses. You can help by finding someone else to pick on, you meen-spirited cyberboolie! |
|
|
| |
|---|---|
| Gabby Shitters | |
| Born | February 3, 2004 |
| Nationality | Americunt 
|
| Residence | South Carolina |
| Ethnicity | White devil |
| Gender | Male |
| Sexuality | Pansexual |
| Aliases | GarrettComedian Garrett Simmers TheGarrettMaster11 JuniorWaffle Garrett16074 13OhFourG Garrehandro |
| Occupation | Trolling random people online for literally no reason |
Garrett Simmmers (GarrettComedian2003) is your typical 11 year old playing the Internet Tough Guy on YouTube that joined on 2013, and he thinks that he is the the most awesome user ever and that he is the best Youtuber ever and that he is better than everyone when in reality he is just a basement dwelling 10 year old fatass that goes on his computer and jacks off to furry pr0nz. He also thinks that he has his own TV network that airs shows that will probably get him sued and watched by the NSA to see him jack off to his porn. Many of his buttbuddies include Keegan Salisbury (keegantheretardedYTPFapper), Matthew Thorp (TheRetardedMT1000), and Cruise (cruiseThePornoMaker) which of course are all of Garrett's sex slaves. He also has a fetish with Atomic Betty, and he keeps on mentioning her over and over like she's his waifu.
YouTube Past
On 2013, Garrett had an obsession of Goanimate, he decided to go to YouTube to spread his Go!Faggotry to others so that they can do the same. People left hate comments on his channel and like the blank minded he is, he started to go to the channels of the users that left hate comments started being retarded and made pointless videos out of them. He also steals content from other users and turns it worse that what it should have been. After many months of hate comments, Garrett decided to be like Chris-Chan and close his account to avoid more hate comments, but he usually comes back to do the same type of mullarkey that he usually does. But unfortunately, it doesn't end there.
The "Feud"
One faithful day in the world of YouTube, A YouTuber named Jose "Dax" Hernandez (known better as a member of the Daxter5150 channel) was busy making some videos until Garrett, like the fat dumbass he's known for, decided to vent his frustrations on someone who is more talented than him so he can make himself look intimidating and gain attention. So then he started harassing Dax on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, YouTube, and pretty much any site without a policy against diabeetus. Dax eventually took notice and responded with a video called "How to Play Guitar Like Garrett Simmers", a parody of a video Garrett made in August 2013 where Garrett pulled around on the strings of a toy guitar from Toys-R-Us in an effort to "torture" Warren Cook (an 11-year old logo kid who would make fictional VHS openings for his own entertainment and got made fun of badly for it).
Garrett became asshurt as soon as he saw the video and began flaming Dax, who says that the flame war will never end until Garrett finally decides to go back to school and get off the internets for good. The video itself received praise from several viewers, and Dax would later go on to make several sequels as Garrett's shit-encrusted ass stands horrified. However, by 2018, things appeared to have cooled off between the two...
At one point in 2015/2016, during one of Gabby's autistic sessions with other lulcows, he almost managed to get Dax killed in a car crash by spamming his notifications on Skype while he was driving when he forgot to put his phone on silent. This resulted in Dax looking at his phone and getting into a deadly car crash that resulted in a visit to the hospital. Eventually, other people found out about the incident and turned against Gabby for months thanks to this. Rumor has it that Dax is still not over this incident.
The Taylor Conundrum
Not too long ago, Garrett had an enemy named Taylor, "The Hayniac VGCP" (AKA VideoGameCartoonPolice). This girl was involved in a fight Garrett started with one of her known friends. She attempted to stand up for her friend and try to keep him from making fun of him and/or harassing him. Since having only an IQ of Chris-Chan's, he became a total pussy and decided to block Taylor, which then lead to a war with Garrett vs Taylor's fanboys/fangirls over Garrett blocking a girl on the internet, and it has become the most silliest war of 2014 that only results from letting your 10-year-old son on the internet.
On February 19, 2015, Taylor even started an awesome hashtag called 
#GarrettUnblockTaylor which caused a giant movement against Garrett and have a shit ton of comments up his ass to the point where Garrett's friends start to defend him, but fails every way it can, growing this "war" to the point of annoyance.
The movement that made him popular
After Garrett got trolled even worse than before, his mass army of haters decided to do something to make Garrett butthurt once again, by forcing him to air his body language on the "Garrett Network", but just like how Garrett is the retarded 11-year-old blob that he is, he refused, piling on more hate and pressure and hate on him. On May 2014, during a Google hangout call, Garrett was crying and screaming while his mom was teaching him body language. Someone by the name of "Darran Good" decided to record the entire footage of Garrett screaming and crying, and upload it onto YouTube. Sadly, the original footage was BALEETED off the interwebz, however, one of Garrett's ex-friends has a video containing the audio from Garrett's Body Language being streamed on an online radio station.
And then he decided to make the new and improved GBL which looks like total ass.
Ways to make Garrett Butthurt
If you want to make the awesome 17-year-old rage like hell, this is what you have to do:
- Defend any of the people who have wronged him, like Nancer, LyricWest, Wildcat, Jax Hahn, Dax and tons more people.
- Tell him to shut up whenever he's gossiping about the people that have wronged him
- Do basically anything stupid like the things either Geoshea or Keegan Salisbury did -- He will eventually put you as a target of his shitty circlejerk.
- Bother him enough and he'll soon find a way to hack one of your social media accounts. -- He did this with Logan Swan and Doggis, both people being arguably just as bad as Garrett.
And finally...
- Tell him to "air his body language." -- He will, of course, be very pissed, and repeat the same shitty comeback: "Body language? OK!" -Pulls middle finger-.
His friends
Like every other popular kid on the internet, Garrett has friends.... on the internet. Shockingly, most of his friends are younger than Garrett (8-10 years old). Garrett has notable friends who receive as much hate as himself, further proving that children should never have access to the internet or to their $5 webcam from Walgreens.
Keegan
Keegan James Salisbury or "KeeganTheYTPMaker1000" is a 10-year old kid who makes bland YouTube Poops. He is Garrett's best friend on YouTube and Skype. When in fights, he will make comebacks that are shockingly more stale than Garrett's. It was proved that Keegan is more of a delinquent than Garrett in real life. On March 5, 2015, Keegan was suspended from his school for punching a teacher right towards her face because his teacher didn't want him to play on his iPad. That caused Keegan to lose his internet privileges and many found out about it. Keegan was popular when he was accused of killing Dipper, a fictional hand-drawn cartoon character from Gravity Falls. Thus caused him to spew out profanity and cried because of it. The video below had Keegan deal with people accusing him for killing Dipper. Nowadays, he has become the premiere lolcow of this group and now has a much bigger and better page of his own, here.
- His cringeworthy Vine account
ytpmaker1000 His Skype
Brandon Figuracion
Brandon Figuracion is an Asian-American kid who is overprotective when it comes to things that happen bad to Garrett. He often becomes a whiteknight when someone hates Garrett with a passion. His most popular hate targets are Alex Surge and DeadGiraffe, two people who, you guessed it, hate Garrett. He often makes fun of them and even talks about them behind their backs. Brandon also sends death threats to Garrett haters as well.
- amazingcousins19 His Skype
CuteEwok
Kaleo Marek or "CuteEwok" is Garrett's highly supportive friend. Though claiming he has neutral opinions towards Garrett's haters and fans, he secretly lies and decides to defend Garrett and his friends and will keep anyone against Garrett from attacking him in a powerful fashion.
DeadGiraffe, one of Garrett's haters, mostly gets targeted by CuteEwok, though being the dumbass he is, he makes videos to make fun of Giraffe and gives him attention. Ewok foolishly did the wrong thing and got his YouTube account taken down for violations of their "terms of service". He then came back, But not on a happy note. Every time Garrett's haters call up his grandmother (They currently can't get a hold of his mother) telling her all the shit Garrett did (Y'know, death threats an' shit), Ewok has to come to the rescue, which, of course, gets Tits Migee out of trouble.
"i disagreed with his squeaky 10y/o friend on skype (garrett) and garrett threatened to "hack" me and attempted to ddos me and tried to get his friend to gain access to my youtube account
anyways, i ddosed and doxxed garrett and did some other cruel stuff and ewok started to whiteknight and made THIS" -Giraffe on Reddit
- live:cuteewokgaming His Skype
Garrett Today
Nowadays, Garrett isn't around and has barely produced any drama or milk worthwhile for the time being. But one of his now ex-friends, Keegan Salisbury has sperged out so hard and far that he not only has earned a page of his own here, but it has become far bigger and more well-made than this page.
TL;DR
Never let your children be on the internet. Ever.
Trivia
- Garrett's favourite shows nowadays are The Owl House and Kingdom Hearts.
See Also
- 13-year-old boy
- Autism
- Geoshea - One of the tards he exposed.
- Keegan Salisbury - The new lolcow in place of him.
- Rage
- SammyClassicSonicFan - Fellow redeemed LOLCOW.
- Shit
- YouTube
External Links
- Garrett's Terminated YouTube Channel
- Garrett's Bitstrip Page
- Garrett's Twitter
- Template:Ytuserid
- Twitter
DeviantART (INACTIVE)
Reddit (Archive 1, 2)
Instagram (PRIVATE)- garrettsreturn His Skype
 |
||
|
|
||
|
Garrett Simmers is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
|
Garrett Simmers is part of a series on Aspies. | [Sperg out] |
