Lithuania

Lithuanian coat of arms

What has been seen cannot be unseen

Lithuania (derived from "lit" - name of the Lithuanian monies and "hui" ("хуй") - the Russian word for dick) is a country in the middle of fucking nowhere (province of Soviet Union).

In short, Lithuania is. Throughout its thousand-year history, Lithuania has been fucked by its parliament, and the whole country is in an economic, psychological and moral crisis. Their only remaining hope is the new President...oops, the new President is a woman, hence all hope is lost. The natives are usually drowning in alcohol, owing to the wide availability of locally produced, highly drinkable beer and spirits. Some delusional people still have hope of finding a better life, resulting in mass exodus from Lithuania to elsewhere in Europe. Upon arrival these lucky few see what we did there, and try to escape the fat whores and fast food that plague western Europe, but has all their euros turned into imaginary weapons for British soldiers. Thus, they remain...out-drinking their western counterparts and occasionally putting their penors somewhere they regret.

But nobody knows, or has ever heard of Lithuania anyway.

History of Lithuania

A wonderland...just like a video game!

Scientists researching Lithuania's history have discovered its roots go deep into Africa. It is claimed that Lithuanians, being black persons at the time, wandered out of Africa in search of a magical elixir. They eventually found themselves somewhere near the Baltic Sea and quickly established their homes and became white in order to get jobs and be able to hail a taxi successfully.

In the middle ages Lithuania was a slightly powerful country, pwning the Huns' big fat bratwurst asses over and over.

Many years later, Russia decided to attack Lithuania and take their shit. To make a long story short, Russia eventually pwned the LTU's, B& their language and told them to suck their dicks for many years to come.

But, Lithuanians being the rebels that they are, decided to stand against the Russians. However, the Lit parliament being dumbasses, they couldn't think of a better way to fight back than singing.

These singers were so terrible that the Russians decided the cons of hearing anymore outweighed the joy they got from spanking Lithuania's fairy sparkle ass and around the year 1991, they finally went home.

The year 2009 was said to be the millennium of Lithuania, but, sadly, no one noticed. Only the cocks and vaggies knew. And there are not any vaggies in Lithuania anyway. They are herms or genderless automatons.

Due to all of that shit-history, the Lithuanian language is impossible to understand. Not that this is uncommon in Eastern Europe.

Natives

Saulėnas, Lithuania's former president. Notice the typical Lithuanian's look and wardrobe.

Lithuanian basketball player, sucking invisible dick

aaaccckkkk RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

This speaks for itself.

The most common type of Lithuanians are from a city called Šiauliai. A typical Lithuanian native from Šiauliai, whether male or female, most of the time looks like this:

• Bald head
• Cap
• Adidas (or Nike) jacket
• Adidas (or Nike) pants
• Adidas (or Nike) sneakers
• Fucked up teeth
• Fucked up voice
• And a bottle of cheap vodka always in hand.

A well-known term for Lithuanian locals is Forsai (the Force). These "Forsai" are usually about 20-25 years old, and possess the same look described above. They enjoy beating up people with baseball bats even though no one in the fucking country actually plays baseball, and, as any other Lithuanian does, drinking. The name "Forsai" makes them think they are awesome and powerful and a little bit like cops or warriors, when in fact they are all incapable of masturbating, much less talking to wimmens. They are the Lit equivalent of chavs.

Women

Lithuania is rumored to have hawt women, though no evidence of this has ever been found. All the Lithuanian whores are drunk, raped and heavily beaten by their husbands/pimps - which is anything but beautiful.

According to the local man-whores, "All the dum sluts is good foar is milkin' cows and buyin' me beer, ya."

However, one mighty lesbian goddess thought that it would be a great idea to join the parliament. Thanks to her endless promises of wildest riches and endless opportunities for all drunken Lit chavs, she has actually been ELECTED PRESIDENT OF LITHUANIA, HOLY FUCK. She even got re-elected in 2014. Now, the country is even more fucked up, and now it's all her fault and everybody hates women even more. Plus she's into karate and has a cuntgrip that can crush steel pipes. Putin shows up on occasion just to stick his head in there and feel the crush. Sick bastard, that Vlad.

Famous Lithuanians

A wild Chris Hansen appears!

As you may already know, nobody really gives a fuck about Lithuania, not even the natives. However, there are some noteworthy Lithuanians that made a place in the state - either with their amazing discoveries or simply retarded sick fuckery.

• Drasius Kedys - Lithuanian-batshit-insane-version of Chris Hansen, a guy who shot two judges who raped his daughter. Considered by many as a great hero, likewise, he was utterly awesome and zaddy.
• Vytautas Kernagis - desperate musician/composer and show-biz specialist who got pwnt by cancer.
• Mikalojus Konstantinas Ciurlionis - ancient, even more desperate musician/composer and painter. Considered one of the most famous Lithuanians on the world (because there is an asteroid named after him).
• Virgilijus Alekna - Highly fuckable, world champion discus-thrower, one of the best athletes in Lithuania.
• Zydrunas Ilgauskas - a basketball player who made it into (the bench of) the NBA. What else? Well, he's got bolts in his feet and is directly related to Cancer Jesus.
• Tadas Blinda - Lithuanian Robin Hood.
• Hannibal Lecter - Cannibalistic serial killer who was born in Lithuania. Oh, he doesn't fucking exist, by the way.
• Oksana Pikul - World famous whore. Much plastic surgery.
• Antanas Daktaras - World famous "ganksta".
• Jonas Kazlauskas - Lithuanian professional basketball coach and former professional basketball player.

Basketball

The only thing that Lithuania actually can do without failing is play basketball.

No, wait. Scratch that, they still fucking fail at it.

Either way, if Lithuanian's aren't drunk, they're playing basketball. To be fair, they have won something, but not frequently. Even if they don't win, they still keep on fighting with faith that once they will surely win that gold medal. In fact, basketball in Lithuania is sometimes even referred to as a second religion. It's all bullshit, however, because they just like to look at big ugly sweaty men.

Lithuania and the internets

Lithuania, in a pathetic effort to keep up with the "civilized world", recently got involved in the internets. At this time, only rich people can afford such a prestigious comfort.

One.lt

A lithuanian female undergoing a traditional birthday ritual.

The most popular website in Lithuana is a social networking one, known as One.lt. It's exactly the same as Facebook or Myspace, just more pathetic, and in a language no one understands. Every goddamn redneck has as least five One accounts, so that makes One sort of like Lithuania's AIDS. Just as any other website, One.lt has its haters, thus has encouraged many inside "jokes" in Lithuania.

Lithuanian Uncyclopedia

The Lithuanian hipsters recently came across Uncyclopedia, and, being the fucktards that they are, made a decision that "OMG LOL ROFL TIS PLACE IS HILAROIUS WE HAS TO MAKE UOR OWN", and so Juokopedija (Laugh-o-pedia, if literally translated) was made.

Pipedija

Medicine for all

Disregard having a clone of Uncyclopedia, another gang of Lithuanian 1337 tard misfits started another wiki. Pipedija, even though it's as shit as Lithuania itself, quickly surpassed Juokopedija, and, called by many "The most wacky site in the country", became weirdly popular. It's like these guys actually knew their shit - they have an article on ED, they call Wikipedia retards and they don't hesitate to call their country a piece of shit - only that it is 99% moonspeak and unfunny.

And again, despite being a retarded mixture of ED and Uncyclopedia, Pipedija is still lulzy and worthwhile. The wiki's style is mostly frequently photoshopping images with references to the site and using unfunny inside jokes. However, to be fair, Pipedija did somehow encourage a few shitstorms for pissing off the local government, making fun of Jews and yet again calling Wikipedia retards.

However as of recently, these professional Lithuanian trolls had to wish their website goodnight, for the Russians did it again and Pipedija was shut down. Then it came back in 2014, under new ownership, and became even more retarded.

Will these mighty foreign lulz-pioneers ever discover ED, you ask? One such fellow did, but the rest is myth.

370Chan

Despite the fact that Lithuanians do not have any detectable sense of humour, they have recently created a fucking clone of 4chan, full of Poles and niggers, called "LTChan" "370chan". Some idiot drunken Lit haxors say that 370Chan is the best fucking place on the internet, but it seems that 370Chan is fucking retarded shit, as usual, and will die soon. The site is already invaded by Poles, so it will be soon renamed to "PLChan". The worst thing is that Lithuanian (or should we say Polish) /b/ is full of fags, so real /b/(re)tards don't give a fuck about it.

How to Troll Lithuanians

Some old Lithuanians love their country more than their life (and others' lives, too!) Even the smallest insult to Lithuania will generate massive lulz. In order to make them spew RAGE, do the following:

• Tell them they are the last ignorant Pagans in Europe. (This doesn't work because Lithuania is still a Pagan country. They like to worship trees.)
• Tell them that while the ancient Chinese were inventing paper and gunpowder and the ancient Greeks were creating philosophy, Lithuanians were sitting in trees throwing rocks at squirrels. (Works with Germans, Britons, and many more too.)
• Tell them that the reason their language is so praised by the linguists for being ancient is because it has not evolved over time, like the other European languages, thus being impossible to be spoken by a person from a normal environment.
• Remind them that their country is the European leader in emigration, suicides, car accident deaths, cervical cancer, corruption and divorces. (Doesn't work because Lithuanians are proud of these things.)
• Just tell them a few facts from this article and you'll be fine.
• Most importantly, never stop confusing their country, nation and "culture" with those of Russia, the Soviet Union, and maybe some of their other neighbors like Poland or Latvia. (This idea is taught in schools so it won't work anyway.)
• Alternatively, confuse their name with Latvia and insist on being right.
• Remind them who rules their country!!! A WOMAN!!!
• Tell them that they never gotta go to countries like England or USA.
• Tell them that Crizi is over in the rest of the world but not Lithuania (this trick works maybe 50% of the time).
• Tell them that Lithuanians help troll Lithuanians.
• Be Polish and show them your dick.

Lithuanian gallery

Lithuanian gallery About missing Pics

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  370chan's mascot - Vėžis
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  Lithuania's signature basketball play.
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  A group of Forsai, participating in an ancient ritual
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  Typical One.lt photo.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  After a good lithuanian festival.
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  They'll hack your shit.
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  Typical lithuanian loli asking for it.
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  An interbreed result of a lithuanian and a goblin
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  An example of average physique required for females to avoid nasty surprises in lithuania.
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  Lithuanian male caught in the process of luring females while residing in his natural breeding habitat.
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  This individual thinks that he can trick some local females, and he's right.
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  One of the ways to improve your chances at getting laid through the internets is adding FUCKING LIGHTNINGS IN THE BACKGROUND
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  the fuck is this shit?
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  Lithuanian version of Very Demotivational A.K.A The Funniest Site In Lithuania

Lithuanian footage

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See Also

• Eastern Europe
• Latvia
• Russia