Kevin Mitnick

Kevin the "OG EFG" Mitnick^✡ ( kevinmitnick) is an American hax0r with mad skillz, d00d. The man put him on ice for having illegal phone sex with a 13 year old boy and prolly cheating some old hag out of her cash money or something. Mitnick is well known for his astonishing good looks and he's the guy from the movie Wargames.

Birth of a nerd

Kevin Mitnick started his life as a script kiddie in the early 1980s. Contrary to popular belief, the intarwebs existed back then, but most people couldn't care less about a network used mostly by the Defense Department and unwashed middle aged men with linux beards. Kevin lurked all over the budding internet and never found a server he couldn't hack his way into.

This proved to be the beginning of the end for Kev. Instead of getting a real job working for an evil corporation for an obscene amount of money like some sellouts, Kevin chose to continue to fuck with the man. He was arrested several times for being in servers which he didn't belong in. Prison awaited, and Kevin served a year in Lompoc, most of it in the hole because the prison guards were worried Kevin would fuck shit seriously up if left anywhere near a phone or computer. There was no love lost between Kevin and the state here due to the unsolicited late night experiences with gentlemen of size named Bubba.

RUN!!! LION!!!

Kevin got released and promptly went back to hacking. Kev didn't realize how badly the man wanted his ass, and forgot to use proxies. The feds showed up to ask Kev to "have a seat over there". What they ran into was an empty house. Kev had gotten the fuck out of Dodge.

Here begins the true legend of Kevin Metnick: that of a man who ran away but was absolutely doomed from the get-go. Fanning the flames was a man named John Markoff. Markoff wrote several pieces for the New York Times on how dangerous a person the flabby, pasty and panicked Kevin was, and furthermore that all law enforcement agencies should look out for this shit and terminate with extreme prejudice. Kevin made the po-po look like a pack of jackasses by successfully dodging arrest and remaining a fugitive on the Most Wanted list for almost two years. Meanwhile, Markoff continued to milk Kev's story for all it was worth.

Free Kevin!

The party ended in 1995 when a terrified Mitnick was arrested in North Carolina. Because Fox News did not exist until 1996, the first news outlet to cover this event was the New York Times. John Markoff scooped all respectable news agencies and was at the door of Kev's pedoden with the police. The justice system then cracked its knuckles, broke out the lube, and lined up on one tender piece of nerd ass.

The DoJ sat on the case because Kevin is so universally disagreeable and useless that making him wait in jail without bail was and still is a perfectly legitimate decision. More importantly, this gambit also let hackers and other Internet tough guys know that you don't mess with the US Government.

Upon his release, Kevin Mitnick was not allowed to own or use a computer. This ban unfortunately expired in 2003.

Some argue that Kevin was punished too harshly for what he had done. Kevin got fucked for three reasons: 1) Corporations inflated the damage estimates of Kevin's infiltrations to pocket some quick loot during the trial, 2) HE RAN AWAY FROM THE FUCKING FBI, MAKING THEM LOOK LIKE TOTAL ASSHATS and 3) NOBODY LIKES KIKES, KIKES KIKES!

Slow March Towards Obscurity/Death

Kevin remains a pariah to this day. The hacking community, thinking that Kevin must be elite (thusly ignoring the fact that the "cutting edge OS" when he was arrested was fucking Windows 95), like to do shit like take down his websites. Kevin now owns a computer security company so doing such a thing makes him look like a total fucktard. His former celebrity also means that associating with him makes you an kewl 133t haxxor too.

Every night, Kevin Mitnick dreams of being as good as Mike Sandy.