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Colombia
Colombia Columbia is a jungle in the northern part of South America. It used to be owned by Spain but Spain got tired of putting up with all the drugs and leftist crap so it moved out. Thus began the party.
Columbia is famous for its democracy as well as its coffee, mountain ranges, and precious stones such as emeralds. Recently, there has been controversy within the country because of a social and economic split with Venezuela, prompted by the ever tactful Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. Some argue this is because of the newly elected president Juan Manuel Santos, who continues the regime of the previous right-wing president Alvaro Uribe.
Colombia hates commies and guerrilleros, true fax.
Demographic
Those who live in Colombia (just like in America) have the opportunity to belong to a prosperous middle class.
The rest are either slaves or insanely wealthy landowners.
Politics
Badass dealer and typical Mexican Columbian, Pablo Escobar, and his homies ruled Columbia for many years before America shot him with a 9mm and then installed its own personal army of CIA-trained burrofuckers to maintain order. Ever grateful for the help, Colombia agreed to recompense America for however many years it took to pay for the skillz.
The country is currently run by Juan Manuel Santos, who spends his time licking America's asshole, srsly angering Hugo Chavez, and frightening little children.
The leftist guerrilleros hate the government but love the now-underground cartel. Therefore, they are not only leftards but wealthy leftards, getting into politics just by bribing Conservative officials with their srs drug cash. How many votes they get depends on how many gs of rock the cartel managed to sell. Votes counted and their position set, the leftists ram cocaine up their ass and run to their supposed enemy, capitalistic America, for moniez and violence.
From any angle, Colombia is pwned by America.
Fight with Chavez
In mid-2010, l33t Col00mbians (a.k.a. Americunts stationed there) ran to Washington with convincing pix depicting Col00mbian guerrilleros being hidden and cared for in Venezuela. Columbia's boyfriend, America, was pissed. Hugo Chavez was even more pissed and insisted that despite the pix, it really DIDN'T happen.
In July, standing next to his own boyfriend, Diego Maradona, Chavez (depicted right) announced Venezuela's split from former BFF Columbia. BAWWWW.
In the same month, he also dug up the 150-year-old grave of leftist psycho and "Liberator" Simon Bolivar and announced that he himself was the reincarnation. Then he performed necrophilia on the bones and all of South America came.
Culture
Despite selling coke to idiot Americunts, Columbians like to believe they are the "Athens of South America," the most cultured society in the jungle. Secretly, they are batshit and will try anything: guro, drugs, furfaggotry, voodoo, heavy metal. This is due in part to their crazy idealistic mentality, and partly because black person culture promotes witchcraft and devil-worship. They are inclined to kill each other often over idealist shit and then go to Mass on Sundays and pray on their knees for forgiveness.
Columbian Nobel-prize winning author Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote an entire novel about this faggotry, which was featured in Oprah's 2004 "Book Club," srsly. Synopsis [here]
Another classic contribution to the world, for great justice, is the "Columbian Necktie" (see pic at right).
Religion
Culembia is 100% Catholic, and therefore most Cul0mbians worship the Pope. However the C0lumbian sect of Catholicism is slightly different from the rest of the world. The head bishop of Coolombia discovered that there is a part in the Bible that says that you can fuck your own mother or a donkey, or kill someone as long as you go to church.
Pastimes
To name the basics...
- Selling drugs
- Bribery
- BURRO FUCKING as seen here. DO IT FAGGOT!
- Selling babies
- Killing babies and hiding cocaine in them
- Playing "Hide the Gringo"
- Murder by chainsaw
- Tejo
- Drinking aguardiente
- Bragging about García Márquez Shakira, Juanes, Cumbia/Vallenato, coffee, emeralds, orchids, Columbian Spanish, and anything else Columbian.
- Playing Parcheesi. No rly. There are no internets in Columbia.
Famous Columbians
These people have spread Colombian culture throughout the world.
- Pablo Escobar
- The Santo Domingo family
- Juan Valdez
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
- Shakira
- Juanes
- John Leguizamo
- Fernando Botero, sculpts/draws only fatties
- Sofia Vergara
- Nina Garcia, resident bitch of the TV show Project Runway.
- Andres Escobar, football player,
NOTrelated to Pablo, who was murdered after scoring for the opposing team in '94
Common Columbian Occupations
It is important to note how hardworking and dedicated C00lumbians are in their daily lives. Their contributions to society are invaluable and positively affect whichever culture Colombians happen to encounter.
- Drug Baron
- Drug Dealer
- Drug Trafficker
- Drug Mule
- Drug Picker
- Drug Lab Worker
- Hitman
- Priest
- Whore
- Corrupt Government Official
- Paramilitary
"Betty La Fea" vs. "Ugly Betty"
At least 100 years ago, C0lumbia made a retarded television series about an ugly woman named Betty. It would later gain popularity throughout an entire world of sad fucks and even leak into America and be turned into an Emmy-winning show for fat housewives, "Ugly Betty."
The original novela takes place in Culumbia's capital, Bogotá, where a fugly, horny nerd takes a job at a fashion designer's corporate office. She falls in love with her already-engaged pussy boss and gets pwned when he goes along with it strictly for the lulz. Later, though, the moron ends up actually falling for her and a clusterfuck of Columbian drama is had. The end of this nonsense is supposed to be lulzy, but this show is made of fail and (srsly) stars stars only whores out for Columbian drug cash, sick fucks who screw ugly chicks for fun, faggot fashion-designers, and Betty's actually-retarded best friend/fuck buddy.
A decade later, Americunts tried to recreate this shit and insert their inane, unfunny culture into a storyline that already sucks major balls. They called their shit, "Ugly Betty," which is the original title translated. The main difference between the original and the Americunt version is that "Betty" is now a Mexican fatty, which proves that in America, "Mexican and fat" auomatically constitutes ugly. She also dresses like Mrs. Weasley in the Harry Potter films. And, she doesn't fuck her loser boss, but instead remains a psuedo-lesbian virgin and dies alone.
Emmy's were won and lazers were charged.
