England

England, North France, Airstrip One, Englandistan, Engayland , Britshits , Middle East Jr., US Aircraft Carrier, or Tea-and-Crumpet-land is the largest and the most inbred country within the United Kingdom. (See Wales for above average inbreeding within the United Kingdom).

File:Queen Do Not Want Food.jpg

England's beloved Queen sampling national cuisine.

A fine young specimen of an English male. Notice the lack of selected bodily parts.

--- the real reason why Robert Plant had screeching vocal problems. He had a detachable dick and testicles. Notice the lack of selected bodily parts.

A typical Englishman.

A typical English meal.

Another typical English meal, the Four Faggots. This beloved English product is endorsed by Doody.

And yet another typical English meal. Seriously, the damn British eat squirrels.

The British are recognized throughout the world for their good taste...

...as well as their mastery and elegance of the language which they invented.

A typical English teapot.

Winston Churchill, for whom a cigar was never just a cigar

Uneducated fucktard Americunts (100% of the US population) are unable to grasp the fact that England is not the United Kingdom, only a part of it.

Geography

Unfortunately (for the English) England shares land borders with alcoholic free-loaders to the north and inbred sheep shaggers to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west and the North Sea to the east, with the English Channel to the south separating it from continental Europe. Most of England comprises the central and southern part of the island of Great Britain in the North Atlantic. The country also includes over 100 smaller islands such as the Isles of Scilly and the Isle of Wight.

History

Originally cradle to the native Bretons, years of rape and occupation by random invasions has resulted in the congealed imbred, shit faced, cocksucking, savage, bastard, retard, mud-people now called the English who, in their oedipal complex, then proceeded to do exactly the same thing to everyone else.

Climate

The English weather is a popular talking point amongst those that have not got anything better to do such as old biddies and homosexuals. On the rare occasions that temperatures rise above 21 °C (70 °F), the English take to the streets in order to burn themselves beyond recognition.

Culture

The English often see themselves on a podium next to Americunts, looking down at the rest of Europe; When coincidentally the only country which likes England is England.

What the rest of the world thinks English culture is like:

Football

Football (also known as Soccer in backwards countries) is the national sport of England. It is a dirt cheap sport made popular the world over by European colonialism and the crushing poverty brought on by said colonialism. In this child's sport, a man with a faggy haircut running 10 kilometers in 90 minutes while tripping over chalk lines and miming injuries is considered to be the height of athleticism and machismo. In the original rules of Football, hands were allowed to be used, however, competitors complained that this left little time to fondle and stroke each other's genitals and so the use of the upper limbs was banned. English football fans are world renown for their ability to smash shop windows, trash parked cars, set fire to police officers and beat twenty shades of shit out of each other before and after football matches. More recently they are known for watching their country finish a team of black person fucktards in group play during the World Cup. Ouch.

Quaint English football fans:

Music

England has produced such musical legends as Rick Astley, Depeche Mode,David Bowie, Sir Elton John, George Michael and Freddie Mercury. It is compulsory for English musicians to be arse bandits.

Rick and Roll:

Dogging

Dogging is an English euphemism for fucking in a semi-public place (typically a secluded car in a car park) and then squirting your dirt watching others doing so. Frequently, there are more than two participants; both group sex and gang banging can be included. As observation is encouraged, voyeurism and exhibitionism are closely associated with dogging. The two sets of people involved often meet either randomly or arrange to meet-up beforehand over the Internet.

A typical English cum-soaked cock-jockey:

Your Typical British town,no really. Amerifags will soon be nuked.

Multiculturalism

Englandistan is a melting pot of people from many ethnic backgrounds. In England, people from different cultures celebrate their differences by shitting in each others gardens, smashing broken bottles over each others heads, raping each others children, and stealing each others personal belongings.

Do's and Dont's in Englandistan

Flag of England

• You are not allowed to display the flag of St. George or the Union Jack for fear of offending ethnic minorities. Such an act is punishable by rape. You are however allowed to wipe your crack on the star spangled banner as Americunts are too stupid to be offended.
• You are not allowed to sing racist nursery rhymes such as 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' or 'Sleep black person Child Sleep'.
• You are allowed to rape foreign visitors who are unable to speak English, such as Americunts.
• You are allowed to burn down Mosques providing you have the correct permit.

Language

The English are most recognizable for speaking in any one of their hyper-specialised accents, the most notable being Cockney, Low-bred and Pompous Jackass. Cockney (lol, cocks) is probably the only one worth elaborating on, as it is the most specialized. English sound like a gay baukkake of elephants with down syndrome are having a kinky orgy. The first thing a Cockney speaker will do is replace every "t" with an apostrophe (e.g. apostrophe -> apos'rophe; planetarium -> plane'arium). Instead of placing the tip of the tongue against the hard palate like normalfags do, a Cockney speaker uses the diaphragm to force air through the throat while simultaneously jamming the epiglottis flap over the bronchial tubes. The resulting sound is made deep in the throat utilizing the epiglottis and treating the vocal folds as the threshold of the lungs. The exception to this rule of course happens when that "t" is at the end of a word such as is found in the ever-present ancillary contraction, "innit". The second unique feature of Cockney is that it uses rhyming slang which is more long-winded than the word for which it is being substituted. For instance, instead of saying "stairs" a cockney speaker would say "apples and pears". [1]

Americans acknowledge two British accents; cockney and posh. The other abundance of accents away from London are unacknowledged due to their ignorance and belief in stereotypes the fact that no one in the world gives a shit.

Actual British literature.

Physical Anomalies

The English are asymmetrical along the body, meaning that the left part is not a mirror image of the right. They do not have hardened exoskeletons which results in horrible skin conditions. They breathe via their lungs through their permanently flared nostrils.

English bodies can be classified into three major parts: head, abdomen and limbs. The limbs, one pair each of legs and arms, attach directly to the head.

The Queen is responsible for laying the thousands of eggs required for replacing workers lost in Iraq. The number of males is generally low because only one male is needed for the entire reproductive process. Despite this, all English people, regardless of sex, are referred to as Englishmen. This is probably due to the fact that all Limey females appear to be male.

English males have absurdly curved penises. This has resulted in the banning of Englishmen from babysitting duties in France, Poland, and The United States of America due to vaginal and anal hookings.

English women are famous throughout the world for their fried-chicken scented pussies and gravy scented poo pipes. For this reason, niggers are banned from touching English women. Entry into an English female can only be achieved with the aid of a dragon or an elfin password. (This does not apply if you are an Americunt as you will have a perpetually limp penis due to your morbid obesity.

Contrary to what most people believe, the English do not bite. They use their jaws to anchor themselves and then, using their strong mandibles, attach themselves to their food and tear at it with their limbs.

English children are unisex until the age of 15 when they are sprinkled with the queen's fart dust and buried beneath Stonehenge for a fortnight. This process is knows as "Kimping the Wonksey" and ranks among the most hallowed of the world's coming of age rituals.

English Humo(u)r

The English are among the most cheerful and humo(u)rous people in the world. When in England and among the English, whether you'll find yourself robbed by them, bum-fucked by them, cheated by them, scammed by them, abused by them, insulted by them, knifed by them in the back on the London subway ('the toob'), or encouraged to commit suicide by them, you can be certain that in every such situation, you will hear many a merry chuckle and amusing jokes and witticisms, spoken in a variety of hilarious English accents.

One of the funniest jokes in English history, as hilariously performed by England's most popular comedian.

English Television

An accurate depiction of English people. Thank you weeaboos.

Recent research by English scientists has discovered large amounts of a physical phenomenon called "suck" emanating from English Television. English citizens (or people unlucky enough to be in England) must watch one of many channels named with the "BBC (X)" naming convention. If you don't like what's on BBC 1, turn it to BBC 2; they'll have something that definitely is not about redecorating a house or a room therein.

English scientists also learned how to pipe this Vortex of Suck to the USA. The average Dish Network or DirecTV now has an extra channel to skip over in search of mediocre soft core Cable porn or SpongeBob Squarepants. Fortunately, the pipes are a bit leaky, or else Americans would be seeing shit like Little Britain, but are still strong enough to contain the win that is Top Gear.

Channel 4 is another television channel in England where it's main shows are about freaks and filming freaks 24/7. They also air the British version of Big Brother. To become a house mate on Big Brother you must either have the biggest breasts for miles, claim to be a gay or have sucked cock for money. Fucktards are also welcome, and if you have all three qualities you are likely to be jumped and put in the house by force.

The most popular TV show in England is "Rainbow", which teaches young English viewers the importance of taking their twangers out and banging with them, playing each other's pipes, plucking away and playing with their balls. Srsly, watch it here.

Special Note: English comedian Hugh Laurie actually trolled American TV by pretending to be an Americunt and getting a part on the famous Sci-Fi show House MD. He was subsequently charged for his crime of defecting to the filthy, Amerykanz and brought back to England via a Vauxhall Saturn car (We don't want your stinking, good quality foreign cars, Johnny Foreigner--we'll stick to our shitty, outdated ones). (Although, moar hilariously, the English are too dumb to know that the 100% British Vauxhall cars are actually shittier versions of the German Opel models, only with a different badge and the steering wheel moved to the wrong side. But HA! In a twist of fate Opel is owned by GM, therefore making all of that irrelevant!)

Guide To Being English

• Visit an Irish pub for an Australian beer
• On the way home from the pub purchase either fish and chips (invented by Mexican Jews), an Indian curry, a Turkish kebab, or a Chinese takeaway. Though probably the curry, because they fucking rock and taste better than any fucking thing originating anywhere within about a thousand miles of England, whose national "cuisine" centers profoundly on nasty shit, boiled until at least it doesn't taste of anything.
• Eat said food while sitting on a Swedish sofa while watching American programs on a Japanese television
• Steal Genoese flags and Czech coats of arms and pretend that they are yours
• If living in Bradford, Norwich, Gloucester or Dorset marry your cousin
• Be suspicious of all things foreign whilst forgetting that your gene pool has seen more foreign sperm than Paris Hilton
• Worship St. George who was a Arab who had nothing to do with England. Then bitch about how Englishness is being taken away from you because sandniggers are restricting your right to worship a sandnigger who had nothing to do with England.
• Believe that England will win every sporting event, and send death threats to someone when it doesn't happen. Riot when you lose or when you win. Travel to international games not so much to see the match as to fuck up the city center and throw bricks and bottles at the local law enforcement officials. Sing ingenious songs on the terraces such as the unforgettable "I'd rather be a Paki than a Turk", premiered while playing Turkey.
• Criticize Americunts for engaging in irresponsible imperialistic adventurism while forgetting that America is the product of irresponsible imperialistic adventurism on the part of the English, as well as the English doing the same to Iraq 100 years ago.
• Dress in a tracksuit or other sporting gear but don't actually get any exercise
• Complain about the weather when it rains. Complain about the weather when it's sunny; despite the fact that England invented rain and as such is entitled to it all day, every day.
• Leech off the state
• Listen exclusively to Radio 4. It's a spiffing good listen and a rollocking good time can be had.
• Drink shitty beer.
• Get sunburnt when it's hotter than 10°C outside.

People from England

• Americans
• Guy Fawkes
• Charlie Chaplin
• Cunts
• Retards
• Dangasm
• David Cameron
• David Beckham
• Harry Potter
• Gary Glitter
• Hugh Laurie
• Jonathan King
• Alfred Pennyworth
• Kurtbatz
• Margaret Thatcher
• OldDirtyBtard
• Richard Dawkins
• Sacha Baron Cohen
• Sceptre
• Sir Ben Kingsley
• Stephen Hawking
• TM
• The Royal Family
• The Young Ones
• Tony Blair
• Winston Churchill
• Faggots
• KaijuKraid

English Inventions

• Adjustable spanner
• Carbonated water
• Crime
• Electrical generator
• Fire extinguisher
• Incest
• Tea
• Teabag
• Crumpets
• The Sun Burn
• Full Body Freckles
• Mechanical lubricaton
• Rotten Teeth
• The Adult Virgin
• Monty Python
• Rape
• Refrigerator
• Nearly every sport in the world (which is ironic as they now suck at all of them).
• Most laughable cultural movements; chavs are examples of this.
• Educational youth videos
• The United States of America
• Australia
• Canada
• Israel

Places of Interest

• Buckingham Palace - The Queen's crib
• Bradford - Racial tension central
• Cheltenham - Home of ultra-fit females and GCHQ (Government Communications Head Quarters)
• Manchester - Home of the easiest sluts on the planet
• Nottingham - Where women outnumber menfolk considerably
• London - Capital city of England and the United Kingdom
• Stonehenge - A pile of rocks in a field
• Any airport - ' 'Fastest way out of England short of suicide.' '

Trolling the English

• Insult the Royal Family and the British Empire on this forum.

• Most English car enthusiasts congregate on this forum [2] as well most of the Eurotrash of the Internets. Since they pretend to be serious, a good way to troll them is get as random as you can, something that definitely would not work on Americans.

• Remind them that while the age of consent may be 16, the average Englishman doesn't lose his virginity until the age of 18.

• Call it soccer. Then tell them that it's a "sport" for tossers and children.

• Many English lol-cows congregate on TSR forums, principally to discuss how to survive with the complete absence of oral hygiene.

• Point out that there are nearly six times as many people speaking American English as there are those speaking British English. Laugh at them for speaking a mud-mouthed, minority dialect.

• Spell through as thru, rough as ruff, tough as tuff, though as tho, Americunt as cunt, etc.

• Ask them what periodontitis feels like, since this question will be incomprehensible in all other "English-speaking" countries.

• Remind them that Americunts have the best military in the world. HOO-RAH! Do not be deterred if they start listing numerous "blue-on-blue" incidents where meth-addled US pilots keep accidentally dropping heavy ordnance on allied forces. Simply point out to them that England has as many fighter planes in Afghanistan as you have fingers on your hands because their country is too poor to field a dominant air force.

• Question how a nation with no army (but help from the French) could withstand the super-power of the world and later gain their independence, only for the British to come back in 1812 and burn down the Whitehouse and most of Washington, and steal Detroit (only to return the shithole for obvious reasons). It is because the British Army is so weak they couldn't even beat Fiji in a war if they tried.

• After a heated discussion, tell that you know why they are mad, after a short pause say that is because of the Boston Tea Party. Tell them that they are NEVER going to get that tea back and that it is in our harbor, and it will stay there forever, and then run off like the chuckling history nerd that you are.

• Tell them to pick a fucking name for their country: England, Britain, Great Britain, the United Kingdom, what the FUCK is it? (See Dumbfuckistan.) Answer: Barely any of them actually know or care, due to their intense hatred of every other part of the country. It's easy. England = one part of the island of Great Britain. Great Britain and Britain are the same, Britain is the short form. Britain is the island on which England, Wales and Scotland preside. The United Kingdom is the collection of countries which form a group, which is England, Wales, Northern Island and Scotland.

• Suggest that England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland are all in fact the same country, a bit like Mexico, the USA, Canada and Puerto Rico. Although they are united under the same government and so by definition are one country, their prior noted hatred of every other part of the country coupled with strong senses of regional pride makes them sure to explode with rage when this fact is revealed to them.

• Tell them they are European. When they go onto the "the English are not European" rant, show them an atlas and offer them some Freedom Fries.

• Inform them that if it were not for 'mericans they would be worshiping Hitler instead of a long line of inbred fucks. Brits will question why the almighty 'mericans waited so long to join them while conveniently forgetting that their limey asses would have starved to death without the aid provided at massive risk by American merchant vessels during the battle of the Atlantic. Then point out that if they knew their history half as well as they pretended to, they would remember that nobody believed the Germans could roll up the English and French lines with such child-like ease. Finally, apologize sarcastically for not saving them fast enough and thank them for all of that help with the Japanese.

• Let them know that the English would not have a slim girlish figure (unlike Americans) if they had women that could cook a decent meal. All British people aspire to not have slim figures and wish that they could resemble the fatass Americans over the pond.

• Remind them their shitty country was conquered by the French, unlike Louisiana.

• Have them extradited for a petty crime under the "no evidence needed" warrant.

• Suggest that Scottish people are equal/superior to English people. This will lead to butthurt and a hate filled response about how pathetic the Scots are for hating England.

Gallery of England

• 
  English House of Parliament.
• 
  How to treat an English woman.
• 
  Elton John - the true Queen of England.
• 
  Typical English Youths
• 
  Typical drunken fat British slag
• 
  England's gross national product - English humor.
• 
  Typical British citizen in his natural habitat
• 
  Typical representatives of the self-proclaimed Imperial Seat of European Civilization.
• 
  The British are renowned for their high dental standards.
• 
  A kilt wearer exposes his genitals next to the queen of Britain.
• 
  Thankful for being given old rusty junk from US Army surplus, the SAS, British special forces, undergo the strictest training to ensure EPIC PWNAGE by shooting their enemies in the dick.
• 
  Favo(u)rite pastime of young Englishmen.
• 
  Hot (to a typical braindead twelve-year-old white girl) British guy.

External Links

• • Murdering a faggot in England only gets you 3 years in prison

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