Latin

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Latin is a contemporary giant of education and remains as relevant to modern relationships as it ever was.

Latin is the name of the language used by the guys who ran the Roman Empire. It's distinct lack of native speakers makes it a so-called 'dead language' (viz., 'all the people who talked like this are dead') in linguistic terms. What this, essentially, means is that Latin is only used by know-it-all dickwads that can't get it up; the sad people who spend their fucking lives with Latin (or any other dead, basically useless language) are called 'philologists'. Latin has also been in use for centuries as an instrument of torture in schools; for example, Latin is taught in English fee paying schools (confusingly called Public Schools), and also sometimes single gender schools. This is so that, should you meet or dig up a dead Roman in England, you can at least flame him in his own language; the English example has its roots mainly in the blind adherence to that nation's obsession with Doctor Who. In Germany, Latin is taught to remember the awesomeness that was the Heilige Römische Reich Deutscher Nation. In general, it survived mainly as nerd-speak between academics and as so-called 'kitchen Latin' (cf. wiccans, mages, satanists, goths etc.); on the internet, it is encountered in a few distinct flavours (see below): "I know Latin, I has studied it" is one of the most widely spread ones and commonly used by learned gentlemen in order to garner respect on the tubes from easily impressionable faggots.

For male seduction by the Romans, please refer to the article on ad hominem.

She Wanted It

The Roman Emperor "Ivstinivs Timberlacvs", bringing sexy back.

The Story: Latin's heart was lost in 370CE when Hypatia, Theon of Alexandria's daughter, was born. Surviving texts from the time tell us that she was A Plus at science, and speculation by terminally bored nerds is that she was probably hot. Regardless, Latin was a hardcore pedophile, and fell fatally in love with Hypatia's sweet one-minute old ass.

Latin committed suicide in 381CE when it discovered Hypatia had menstruated after the crazy bitch waved her bloody period rags in its face. Seriously.

Contemporary Latin Use

Today Latin is used primarily by three groups, two of which hate each other:

Law students use a limited amount of Latin when they are not getting arrested for DWI (Latin exams usually consist of crossword-puzzles and/or multiple-choice-tests for retards).

Scientists of all kinds, from biologists to philosophers, use Latin for all the important things - such as categorization of anything they see (Latin has better affixes than Diablo II, AND you can call it 'taxonomy', which makes it sound better than 'making lists'!), and catchphrases; Astronomers (Greek, Astron, lit. Star) too, because all the planets and stars have Latin (or Greek) names such as "Sol" (solar, the Sun), Mars and "Earth's" proper scientific name is "Terra". How crazy is that?

The Catholic Church, in contrast, generally uses a mangled form of Latin to tell regular folk how evil they are, and for secret communicaes to its priests regarding taking it in the ass. The Vatican's manual, written in Latin and fittingly called the 'Vulgata', is considered the quintessential coffee-table book.

True to its roots, everybody that regularly employs Latin in normal speech is a hungry pedophile.

Latin basically devolved into the "Romance Languages" such as French, Italian, Portuguese, Spanish, Romanian, and Romansh, 80% of English, (some) German, et cetera. Ergo one could say it never really died, unlike Punic, which is undoubtedly dead and gone.

It is also used by film composers to create AWESOME choral atmospheres in Roman Shakespeare movie adaptations. (see track Victorius Titus)

Latin America

Latin America is generally everything south of the United States and also Québec according to some. Latin Americans don't actually speak Latin, despite what you may assume, and instead take their name from their preference for young pussy. Latin American women, in a desperate attempt to stay the rising incidents of pre-teen rape among their culture, invented the 'Brazilian wax' - an artificial method of looking like a hot piece of ten-year old cunt.

Latin America's pre-teen rape incidents have since stabilized, and the culture is now known primarily for producing annoying pop-stars and incredibly ugly she-males.

When Latin Teachers Go Bad

Didaskalos

IMAGINES MOVENTES HEREDIS ILLAE FUTATAE

Nonne plus Paridis Hiltonis videre vis?

Fabula LATINE HIC!!!!!

Common Latin Phrases

Stercus Accidit - "Shit happens"

Verbane "horreum nigrorum mortuorum" extra scripta sunt? - "Is there a sign that says 'dead nigger storage' outside?"

Vir niger planum meum clepsit - "Nigga stole my plane"

Caveat emptor - "The George Foreman Grill."

A priori - "This is bullshit you should swallow without question."

A Posteriori - "This is bullshit that is evident by experience."

Et tu, Brute - "Oh, Brutis"

Ad fundum - "In the ass"

In absentia - "In the ass"

Deus Ex Machina - "Plot lulz."

Ad hominem - "Stop picking on me or I'll cry"

Veni, vidi, vici - "Don't make me hurt you."

Alea jacta est - "I came I saw I conquered."

Finis coronat opus - "Bush Twins '08!!!"

Manus manum lavat - "Only dwarves fuck dwarves."

Etcetera - "That's all I've got"

Praeterea sanctum nihil est neque ab inguine tutum, non matrona laris, non filia virgo, neque ipse sponsus levis adhuc, non filius ante pudicus; horum si nihil est, aviam resupinat amici. - "A/S/L?"

TU NUB' ATQUE TACE! - STFU, N00B! (Juv. Sat. I,61)

Mea navis aëricumbens anguillis abundat!- My hovercraft is full of eels= I'm fucking stupid

Et nihil pretii perivit. - "And nothing of value was lost."

Passer mortuus est. - "SHIT IT DOESN'T STAND UP!"

Ex nihilo nihil fit. - "Your belief in god makes you a faggot."

Irrumare - infinitive verb, translates roughly as "to facefuck." Latin is so hauntingly evocative.

lol quid - lolwut

Vagina - Sheath (not kidding)

Penis - Tail (Go get some dude)

Latin is widely considered to be completely irrelevant to normal life and, like everyone who becomes irrelevant, is currently planning a globe-spanning comeback tour. Ticket prices are expected to reach double figures. Girlvinyl, president of her high school Latin club, has already bought all the tickets.

File:Lamecomeback.jpg