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Epic Win

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Epic Win by definition, is win containing epic qualities. A win of such magnitude that it makes your jaw drop for at least 100 minutes before a sudden outburst of JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH THAT WAS FUCKING AWSEOME and consequently falling to the floor twitching and babbling incoherently.

Unfortunately this cancer-ridden term has been adopted by every newfag in existence to stumble across teh internets, raping it into obscurity by applying it to any unfunny meme or image macro that trundles across their young and uninformed eyes. Also any actual win that brings about the aforementioned symptoms rarely happens, and when it does, the first retard to sputter out a term like "Epic win" in its presence will immediately ruin the moment.

Instances of Epic Win

This dog has gotten itself some "Epic Win". Maybe you should buy one.
Grab a six-pack and watch the universe explode.
Fair enough
  • Quitting your job and becoming a Pokémon master.
  • Riding Christina Hendricks' boobs on a magical journey across the universe.
  • Repeatedly driving a giant golden monster truck over the regenerating head of Bill O'Reilly to a continuous loop of the song "Ace Of Spades".
  • Drinking so much alcohol that you trip over and fall off the edge of the universe causing a rip in the space time continuum; traveling through the very fabric of the cosmos warps your features into that of Brad Pitt, and you land in an alternate reality populated solely by naked horny women.
  • Being romantically involved with Wonder Woman. Whilst having a sordid affair with Super-Girl on the side.
  • Blowing up the moon with your penis or some shit.

As you have undoubtedly noticed, none of of this crap has, or ever will, occur IRL, especially not your real life. Because things like "epic win" don't really exist, it's just a pathetic phrase used by losers all across the world, any chance of it's meaning truly becoming an actuality is significantly low. Look at your pitiful, boring, frail excuse of an existence, because that is all you have. You will never experience "Epic Win" and neither will anybody else, because all you have is that uncomfortable office chair you're sitting in and the unnatural florescent glow of the computer screen floating in the reflection of your tired eyes. Your life will never ever ever contain Epic Win, but maybe, just maybe, if you look at the following tragic "examples" below you can harbor some faint possibility that it may. Go on. Delude yourself.

EPIC WINZ!!1!!1

Gallery of "Epic Win" About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


Children experience epic win in the glorious orgasmic beams of Raptor Jesus


Animated example of "Epic Win"

Compilation of "Epic Win"

Example of an "Epic Win" story

see also: Copypasta

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”

And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.

I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

Epic Ween

EPIC WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!
An artist's impression.

Because of the aforementioned co-option of the phrase 'epic win' by faggots and the resultant overuse thereof, the phrase 'epic ween' was coined. In sharp contrast to epic win, epic ween is an overwhelmingly negative term used mainly in trolling circles to deride the efforts of newfag failtrolls. It is most often used nowadays in conjuction with the trolling of Chris-chan and similar lolcows, but not always.

Not to be confused with actual epic win (which it is most definitely not), epic ween is best described thusly:

Imagine, if you will a 14-year-old with Asperger's syndrome who has just discovered 4chan's /b/ last week and now, hiding his acne-riddled face behind his Guy Fawkes mask spewing memes at all in earshot like projectile vomit, is laboring under the delusion that he's part of some super seekrit Fight Club-esque underground trolling movement that does bad things and is hardcore (in short, what the entirety of modern day /b/ apparently thinks).

Now imagine the sort of trolling that chortling, shithead kid would do, both on the Internet and IRL. That is epic ween.

The antics of epic weeners are generally looked upon with scorn by real trolls for being unfunny, tryhard and retarded. More often than not, epic weeners will attempt to create intricately crafted 'trollsonas', aliases that they will go under while their trolling is ongoing. All this serves to do, however, is highlight their faggotry even more as these trollsonas will inevitably have some kind of tryhard hardcore sounding name or be based on a character from some lame film, television show or video game that the epic weener thinks is cool.

See Also

External Links

Epic Win is part of a series on Language & Communication
Languages and Dialects • Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Style, and Usage • Rhetorical Strategies • Poetry • The Politics of Language and Communication • Media • Visual Rhetoric
Click topics to expand
Featured article December 2 & December 3, 2011
Preceded by
Bill9929 and Kevin Provance 		Epic Win Succeeded by
Jim Profit
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