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Fap

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Masturbation, or masterbation as it is usually spelled by idiots on the internet, is what one does when he or she is horny and won't be having sex with another person. So you tug fast to some sluts on the family computer. People who masturbate, on average, are unemployed. (ie. they can't get a blow job or a hand job.)

The circle of FAP.
Everyone can totally fap to this.
Masturbation is a vanable offence
Sadly this is the only time he will ever be with two women at once. And his dick won't fit. And he has man boobs.
Doing it wrong!
Be careful of the dangers of excessive masturbation.
   
“ 		 
Bite my lip and close my eyes

Take me away to paradise

I'm so damn bored, I'm goin' blind

And loneliness has to suffice

Bite my lip and close my eyes

I'm slippin' away to paradise

Some say quit, or I'll go blind

But it's just a myth
 

„
  		 

— Green Day, an epic poets.

Masturbation is the ultimate form of safe sex.
Insert cock plz. kthnx.

Masturbation is done best as follows:

  • first, let an ant crawl down your dickhole. or an elderly man's finger.
  • drink chocolate milk and spit in your hand. this is the best lube.
  • don't wipe that black shit off the webbings of your finger. let it dry then smoke it.
  • pay your little sister a pee pee tickle to choke you with her jump-rope.
  • save all your pre-cum and make some fucking popcicles.
  • stick a fanger in yo ass.
  • put a dildo/beer bottle/anything to hand up your ass as far as it will possibly go
  • use a banana skin
  • use some random panties you find around the house to come into +1 if they're not a relatives.
  • don't forget a picture of your sexual fantasy
  • scream over 9000 as your about to jizz +1 if your on the phone with someone

Masturbation is possibly the best invention known to mankind and is the only reason why the internet exists. It's pretty much what nerds and loser basement dwellers do while watching hentai, which was created by a bunch of Japanese pervs who can't masturbate due to their penises being so damn small. When not constantly refreshing their LiveJournal profile, LJ Users are usually masturbating to furry pornography and stick figures.


Note: As you will notice this page has alot of sections which need only a slight touch in order to expand. After expansion chances are you will become aroused. Luckily after this moment of heightened arousal is over your section will collapse.


Masturbation in Society

 
This is all it takes.
 
And one of these.


History of Masturbation

 
This does not count as masturbation as he has at least one other person with him.
  • According to expert Greek mythologists, the art of fapping was discovered at least 100 years ago by some attention whore godfag named Hermes. Hermes felt sorry that his furry son, Pan, could not have buttsex with his lover Echo, so he taught Pan ways to relieve himself. It comes as a surprise to noone that the first person to make liberal use of masturbation was a furry.
  • With the advent of the internets, basement dwellers don't have to get out of bed to fap. Just fire up your laptop, search for porn on Google, and you're all set. This has caused a major increase in virginity among males that are over 17, and because of the lack of men, white girls flock to black people like moths to a porch light ready and raring to take foot-long sausage up the pooper. If you masterbate you will be a virgin for all eternity. Go suck a dick you infinite loser. Girls can smell a bater from miles away and they definitely won't have teh secks with one.

Missing Penis Syndrome

Women of America, do you know where your penis is right now?

Curing The Disease

Other than rape and hookers, there is only one known cure.

Masturbation Personalities

 
Various techniques to help you fap.
 
Set for the highly educated masturbator that searches far and wide for the finest and most exquisite ways to fap.
  • Masturbation Fundamentalist - The fundamentalist masturbates simply to get it over and done with when the sexual tension builds up to an irritating level. With a few exceptions, they've always masturbated the same exact way since puberty.
  • Masturbation Hobbyist - The hobbyist masturbates to experiment with new and different techniques that range from
    basic masturbation to bizarre methods. They like to continue masturbating throughout their life even if they have a great sexual relationship with their partner, husband, or wife. They have been even known to sometimes engage in or fantasise about jerking off with their friend and/or possibly getting together with a group of people for a "circle jerk".
  • Masturbation Connoisseur - The connoisseur is a highly educated masturbator that searches far and wide for the finest and most exquisite ways to beat their tenderloin meat. They may then travel the world by themselves or with their favourite fellow masturbation enthusiast. Often they are members of exclusive clubs that charge a cover fee to sit around and wank off together while listing to music or watching some type of erotica. They believe masturbation is a science and a art, therefore many are qualified to teach PhD level courses in Hand Made Pleasure.
  • Masturbation Daredevil - The daredevil thinks they are creative, but often just end up embarrassed, arrested, or dead. These tend to be the people you hear about who hang themselves or tie plastic bags around their head in a pathetic effort to mimic autoerotic asphyxiation. They are also the ones you read about in the newspaper that get caught pulling off in public parks or movie theaters. Sometimes they idolize who they claim is the only "true masturbation hero", Mr. Pee Wee Herman who is rumored to have possessed glove shaped pockets.
  • Lunarsandwich - a category of his own- the universe's best goat masturbator.
  • Danger Wanking - The Danger Wanker has possibly the most lulziest ideas out of all the Wanker categories. This Wanker lies in his bed, starts wanking, and then shouts "MUUUUMMMM! COME HERE!" and then rushes to get finished and cleaned before his mother arrives. Living in the same building as your mother makes this technique more effective.
  • Face-Painter - Men who jerk-off to womens' non-pr0n photos, usually found on MySpace, Flickr or other imagedump sites. They print them out to fantasize about the woman in the photo until they get a hard-on, then shoot their full load of cum all over her photo, which are usually facial close-ups, though full body photos are used as well, depending on the fetish (feet, legs, breasts). Photos often are done in sets of 2 to 4, showing the penis on or near the photo, then the cumshot(s). The cum-covered printouts are then re-posted on the net for others to enjoy. Attractive everyday women are usually chosen, but many female celebs get "tributes" as well. Normally an evolved form of the Masturbation Daredevil, Face-Painters consider themselves to be true artists.

       

This basement boi has beaten his cock raw! He needs to get out and find a real woman to fuck. Of course born losers can only find fugly women, so maybe they are destined to be facepainters?



[-+]Masturbation in relation to God

A particularly interesting religious phenomenon occurs whilst stimulating one's genitalia. Most masturbators feel that God is watching them. They report sensing that God is purveying his godly eyes over the sinful scene. Others have reported that this God is actually known as Ceiling Cat.

If you decide to quit fapping, The LDS Church has a series of Pro-tips on doing so:

  1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
  2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
  3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
  4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
  5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to control your thinking and overcome the temptation).
  6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
  7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
  8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
  9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.

As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of these suggestions. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.

Here are some additional suggestions that have proven helpful for others who have successfully overcome masturbation:

  1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.
  2. Exercise daily. Exercise reduces emotional tension and depression and is absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
  3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
  4. If you ever do give in, don't give up. The worst thing you can do is say "Oh well, I screwed up, I guess I'll stop trying". Simply get back on track and don't look back. Until you commit yourself to never do it again you will always be open to temptation.
  5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
  6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
  7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
  8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
  9. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.
  10. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!
  11. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy. Take cool, brief showers.
  12. Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
  13. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.
  14. Always wear pajamas at night (preferably ones that tie or are difficult to open).
  15. Avoid people, situations, pictures or websites that create sexual excitement.
  16. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Bible, for example, held firmly in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
  17. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
  18. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A dollar in a jar for every day you don't masturbate. At the end of the month you can buy something you like. If you don't make it to the end of the month, donate the money in the jar to charity - this one works quite well.

Original Content can be viewed here

God on Masturbation

Feels good man.

   
“ 		 
Whats wrong with masturbation? Shee-it.. I do it all the time
  		„
  		 

—God while he's wacking off


[-+]Slang terms for Masturbation:

 
Spanking the ham.
File:ArnoldPalmerMedalOfFreedom.jpg
And this is how you masturbate kids...
  • shameless self promotion
  • baking a cake
  • Mindless Self Indulgence
  • playing Godhand
  • releasing the hostages
  • loading your shotgun
  • Ricky Boxing
  • making the bald man puke
  • spanking Hank
  • firing off knuckle children
  • shaking hands with the one-eyed milkman
  • slamming the ham
  • flogging your log
  • beating the bishop
  • polishing your musket
  • waxing your willy
  • whacking your jack
  • charming the one eyed python
  • Going to see Rosy Palm and her 4 sisters.
  • Going to see Aunt Mary and her four daughters
  • cleaning your pipes
  • pounding your pud
  • punching the clown
  • lighting your wick
  • playing pocket pool
  • stroking the sausage
  • rubbing one off
  • punching the one-eyed nun
  • beating the meat
  • pulling your goalie
  • wanking
  • jerking off
  • catching the snake
  • jacking off
  • watching a bus load of children
  • pulling off
  • shaking hands with the sheriff
  • choking your chicken
  • jerkin' your gherkin
  • beating your meat
  • shaking hands with shorty
  • punching the clown
  • whacking off
  • killing some kittens
  • dating Miss Michigan
  • making some glue
  • banishing white Russians from your Kremlin
  • firing the surgeon general
  • running in single user mode
  • shaking hands with the minister of love
  • going solo
  • waxing the dolphin
  • romancing yourself
  • catching your lil lizard
  • spanking the monkey
  • spilling the chowder
  • shaking that lizard
  • shaking hands with the unemployed
  • churning the butter
  • test firing the rape cannon
  • tickling Elmo
  • squashing the squid
  • slapping the salami
  • choking a Smurf
  • fapping
  • getting cream for her coffee
  • paying a visit to Palmala Handerson
  • talking to Adam Sizzler

Health Risks

 
 
If you vank, you are ein naughty boy and deserve to be punished.
 
Historically, masturbation has often been aided by photos of hawt fascists
   
“ 		 
Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles
  		„
  		 

—Scientists quoted by the BBC

   
“ 		 
If you vank not only vill you go to hell, you vill go blind and Herr Gott vill apply the Jew to ein kitten
  		„
  		 

— Made up quote from the Head of the Catholic Church, Pope Adolf II.

Even today with the mass liberalization of America, many think it is wrong to masturbate or at least somewhat unsanitary. The only side effects of masturbation are wasted time, energy, money, tissues, lotion and self-esteem.

 
Girls like doing it with things that usually keep them good-smelling.

Myths

  • Girls can fap too.
  • FALSE. Contrary to popular belief, girls cannot fap. They schlick. But many girls say they like to fap due to severe penis envy.
  • Masturbating too much can make you go blind.
  • TRUE. When you ejaculate, God gets very angry with you for spilling his seed. To take revenge, he blinds you for one month so you can't look at what you're fapping to, or look to see if anyone's watching. Easily defeated by having your eyes closed when fapping, though this precludes the use of pr0n.
  • Masturbating too much can give you hairy palms.
  • TRUE. Part of God's revenge for spilling his seed, he makes your palms hairy so the cum can get stuck on your hands. This is good for meeting someone for the first time. Conversely, if furries masturbate too much they lose all the hair on their hands.
  • Masturbation can cause your penis to shrink and/or deform it.
  • TRUE. Masturbating causes low self-esteem, which shrinks your penis by epic proportions. Your penis can also look like a retarded carrot if you fap too much.
  • Masturbating can give you spots
  • TRUE; but only if you forget to wipe it off.
  • You can get AIDS from masturbating.
  • TRUE; but only if you are fapping to gay pr0n.
  • FALSE. Masturbating often causes cancer. Meaning you are now blind, have AIDS, depression caused by a severely undersized penis, hairy hands and cancer. Who needs the god damn Mormon Church?
  • Masturbation does the opposite of what is under "Girls can fap too".
  • TRUE. Now, why would fapping do all of that damage?
  • Masturbation is the cause for mental instability
  • MOSTLY TRUE. Please note that when you are in sexual climax, your thoughts tend to go a bit out of control. Please masturbate with caution or you'll find yourself fapping to this.

Media

A Short Clip of a Loli Masturbating to Orgasm

File:Teenregular.gif
If you fap to this, you are Normal.

Gallery of Masturbation

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


ASCII

..\……………\:…………………………..F
…\……………L:………….-.-…………'./
….'……………':…………/.)..\._…….'..|
……'……………'….'….-(-")'..)…….'….L
……..'……………'.__.-'..|..'..'|.'………..\
……….'….'……………..'!_'…|-……..:…\
…………'-._………………."'…)::……….L
…………….'-………………._.':::'………..J
…………….J..'-._…….._..-'…):'…………..L
…………….F……'-………..-'.)……………..|
……………J……….'…..-'…-')::……………J
……………F…………'-._.-'._.'.:'……………L
…………..J…………….J"""…..)'……………J
………….J………………\…….F…………….L

Videos

Previous Video | Next Video

For the Furries

Previous Video | Next Video

Videos of those who get Caught

Previous Video | Next Video

Shit to think about while fapping

Shit NOT to think about while fapping

  • Your Grandma
  • Your Grandma fapping
  • How easy it would be for someone to install a webcam in your room
  • (In shower only) How the water you're wasting could save an entire village in Africa
  • What to do if someone walks in on you
  • How you are just an insignificant speck in the universe
  • Jews fapping to money
  • You
  • A 95 year old tehransexual humping a knife

Useless facts

  • You have a baby penis, and a huge hand so do the math.
  • The average child molester usually has a very charismic personality. Try to befriend them :)
  • I pods are best used as Pr0n material

Links

See Also

External Links

If you want to find out where you fit in to the masturbation personality spectrum, porn sites are not the way to go! Trusted resources from the real experts include:


 

Fap is part of a series on

Sex

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Fap is part of a series on Education

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