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Sephirothslave
It could be said that very few trolls, /b/tards, EDiots and Final Fantards have not heard of the infamous Sephirothslave, the unstable Sephiroth fangirl whose numerous outlandish claims began in a simple Blurty around 2003, when she was around 15 or 16. Slowly writhing from the depths of the internet as Cthulhu rose from R'lyeh, her notoriety exploded once the chans got their hands on the journal entries in which, inbetween lame poetry and moans about her life, she claimed to speak with the villain of FFVII, Sephiroth, on the astral plane - ultimately announcing that she was his one and only bitch. Though many people had seen more than their fair share of crazy fangirls screaming that they owned this or that bishie, Sephirothslave's unique brand of medicated crazy crossed with her unusual and hilarious claims of being the sex slave lover to a video game character and speaking with him using some meatphysickal magicks earned her the negative attention which she later seemed to have become addicted to.
Sephirothslave herself - whose real name is Julia - rivals other famous lolcows such as Littlecloud or Snapesnogger in her instability and excessive hypocrisy. She is a walking mass of complexes, a vindictive bitch known to hate her father, "preps" and "jocks", women in general, and even goes on to say that most men are incapable of intellectually keeping up with her and therefore are worthless. She was particularly unstable in her youth, and like all good goth girls, she often cut herself or outright tried to off herself, and in general had a self-loathing complex crossed with a severe case of unwarranted self-importance, which still rears its ugly head very subtly in her most recent entries on DA and Blurty. She says she is a writer as well as a fan of FFVII and yet refuses to respect canon when it doesn't match her personal interpretation of events or characters, thereby pissing all over the work of the creators she claims to admire. She is especially fickle about her future and can't seem to decide on a career path or hobby, dabbling - and failing - in everything from martial arts to jewelry making to modeling. She is also a Catholic Christian, yet dabbles - or in her words, is very proficient - in what is easily considered heretical witchcraft.
Sephirothslave: A New LolCow(2003-2004)
It all started out typically enough -in 2003, some angsty teenage goth whore opens up an online journal on Blurty (A livejournal rip-off even worse than the original), expecting that no one but some friends and relatives are ever going to read it. The first few entries typical whiny I-hate-my-life bullshit, mentions of experimenting in Wicca and magick (a goth-wannabe must), and some bad poetry. Noticeable throughout the entries, though, is an overwhelming obsession over the main villain of FFVII, Sephiroth. Okay, so she's another obsessive weeaboo otaku fangirl drooling over another bishie. Nothing we all haven't seen a million times before, right?
But then a bomb is dropped. So what happens when 16-year-old goth otaku stop taking their meds? Apparently, they have hallucinations and dreams involving fictional video game characters coming to ravish them on the Astral Plane and parting unto them all otherwordly and sacred knowledge. This was the plight of Sephirothslave, who began insisting that she was the wife of the video game character, Sephiroth (at the age of...12?). According to her, Sephiroth was never a villain at all - he was a completely innocent victim, and it was Hojo and Jenova's fault the entire time that Sephiroth went on those murderous rampages and tried to destroy the world. After Sephiroth was "brutally murdered" by the spiky-haired antihero of FFVII (whom to this day she routinely pokes fun at by calling him "Clod", so clever), he was appointed into God's hierarchy of angels where he now resides as keeper of... some library of knowledge from some new-age religion with a weird name.
She went on to explain that seeing as it's now impossible for him to be reborn, being an angel and all, he regularly visits her on the Astral Plane, where they do the Astral Nasty and...talk. To her surprise, being vocal about these experiences gained her some fame and notoriety amongst the usual forums, chans, and fandom who she thought her public journal was safe from, and even caused dissent amongst her friends and family. She soon found that her journal was not, in fact, safe from the world and shortly after she began making her claims she was viciously bitch-slapped for her stupidity by half the internet. At the same time, the blogdrive of another Sephiroth-obssesed fangirl claiming to be his wife, a one Summoner Yuna aka Mrs. Sephiroth was discovered, so that both Sephirothslave's and Summoner Yuna's journals were being passed around the internet like passed-out co-eds at a frat party, leading to some confusion on their identities and one usually being mistaken for the other, and both of them being mocked. Suffering severe butthurt, she tucked tail and baleeted EVERYTHING, moving herself to DA, where she spent the next few years occasionally posting some shitty pictures and poetry, beginning a period of inactivity. By that time, however, she seemed to have become intensely addicted to all the negative attention she was getting, and kept the moniker Sephirothslave - causing her DA to be constantly trolled. During this time period, Sephirothslave had a habit of referring to Sephiroth as "Lord Sephiroth," but anyone with more than two braincells knows he's only Lord of Her Clam.
After a long time of inactivity, she had some sort of epiphany and suddenly realized she hadn't been banging Sephiroth the whole time, but an archangel that inexplicably looks like him and shares his name. So in order to set her image straight and continue moar attention whoring, she decided that it was time to explain this new revelation to the internets and thus reopened her Blurty.
Though she attempted to hide her shame, thanks to the mighty Way Back Machine some of Sephirothslave's original Blurty entries can be read again. Rejoice, ED, and descend upon the lulz.
—Sephirothslave | ||
—Sephirothslave, who was as of this Blurty entry only 16. Sephiroth apparently likes teh loli. | ||
Two-timing Sephiroth!
We actually thought Sephiroth was two-timing Summoner_Yuna and Sephirothslave, but it seems like Julia herself is no stranger to cock sampling. Sephirothslave’s younger sister Laurel and her friend Bennett mention something very interesting in their journals about our favorite hypocritical goth quack: SHE IS A CHEATING WHORE. When she was 16 years old and supposedly dating her one true love Sephiroth, Julia developed feelings for a 23 year old guy she met at Otakon 2004 named Vince (who, ironically, that year was dressed as Kuja, that other effeminate white-haired Final Fantasy villain). Her own journal entry, found in her old Blurty, details how she basically spent three days alternating between stalking him and hunting him down in the crowd. Even though both were supposedly involved at the time, Julia with her astral beau and Vince with his real girlfriend, that didn’t stop them from hooking up (lol so she cheated on Sephiroth with Kuja). Of course, the guy, probably sensing the innate madness lurking beneath the jailbait goth loli facade, was only stringing her along and got rid of her ASAP. Julia crumbled down when her crush was unrequited and ran back into the astral arms of her “archangel husband” who presumably forgave her for being such a shameless whore and allowed her to take back her usual place at his feet.
In typical fashion, Sephirothslave would later bitch about her husband’s jealousy and the fact that he does not trust her, all the while pretending to be the very image of faithfulness. We can only hope that one day, her astral dildo will have enough of her hypocrisy and astral-punch her stupid face in.
The yawn-inducing, but informative entry on Julia’s whoredom can be found here. To this, Sephirothslave has reacted with a pleasing degree of butthurt and, among insults thrown at "random rejected boy A" (aka. her former friend Bennett, who was misguided and unlucky enough to meet the biggest deluded cocktease on Earth) she has ranted on and on about how Vincent is gay, as if a woman couldn't possibly be attracted to a homosexual man. Moreso, it is possible that she has let it slip that Vincent is actually bisexual, according to this little bit. EDIT - Confirmed! Vince, whose DA profile can be viewed here, has a fiancee by the name of Sherry.
Lastly, one can only wonder why Slave is so offended at the thought of strangers questioning her fidelity when her own fictional husband does that every time she gets close to a sparring partner and thinks she needs to be warned not to flash her tits to her photographer. Sephiroth supposedly knows her best, so if he treats her like a slut ready to leave him at the drop of a hat, who are we to disagree?
The Sephirothslave Strikes Back (2007-2009)
— Wait. Hasn't she been saying this whole time that Sephiroth is actually innocent and never intentionally killed anyone and it was Jenova and Hojo's fault all along???? | ||
The epic began years ago, and the Cliffs Notes version is this: Before it became known that I suffered from severe depression and wasn't medicated, the young girl I was found comfort in the video game Final Fantasy VII. Something about Sephiroth struck me very deeply, and I could relate to him more than I could most of my peers. I wasn't 'insane,' so to speak, I never thought I would be with him...and that made the depression worse. Several times I attempted suicide, and became more frustrated that I couldn't just end it.
Then I began to have these 'dreams.' What made them unique were a couple of basic things. 1.) They were crystal clear after I woke up. 2.) Each new 'dream' seemed to pick up from where the last left off.
I was seeing a psychiatrist whom I quite liked, and I chose to confide in her, since I couldn't make heads or tails of why I was having these dreams - not that I was going to complain. It was in these dreams that I initially encountered the Archangel Sephiroth...someone who was the same and yet different from the character I could so relate to. The psychiatrist suggested that I look up some books on Astral Projection, read them and see if the descriptions within matched what I had described as a dream.
They did.
Now, I acknowledge that the circumstances do seem far-fetched; even I wasn't sure I wanted to admit that I was in love with a videogame character who was visiting me in my dreams claiming to be an Archangel. Writing it like that makes me seem fairly crazy, yes. So, to help me accept it, I pulled a series of books on Astral Projection after I had confirmed that I was projecting... and I came up with a couple of possibilities based on my readings.
1.) The Astral Plane is a realm that is generally believed to be the intersection of the physical and metal planes - a realm where anything is possible to those who could unlock its secrets.
2.) When I was first visited by Sephiroth, I was in serious danger of actually killing myself. Some of the details I've never released to the public include that I was hospitalized three times prior to the first visitation. It could well be that the angel I believe to be Sephiroth could be a being entirely different, who has assumed that identity because it was the one I would trust.
The book I found most helpful in my explorations was Astral Dynamics by Robert Bruce, and I would strongly recommend it to anyone who wanted to read into the 'science' behind Astral Projection.
Some common questions:
1.) Preparation for Astral Projection is a really time consuming process, and that's what usually prevents people who want to learn from ever truly succeeding. Most sources agree that if you aren't predisposed to projecting, it can take between two to seven years to be able to truly control it. (The process was shorter for me because I began doing it spontaneously and only had to learn to harness what I was already doing subconsciously.)
Once you've learned all the steps toward being able to project, yes meditation does come into play. Personally, I like total quiet when I'm working, which is one of the reasons I moved into an apartment away from my family as soon as I could afford it. There's a lot of discrepancy regarding what position is best for projecting. Robert Bruce prefers to be sitting up, for instance. Another author I've read, Konstantinos, prefers to be lying down. Since I started projecting from a dream-like state, I learned lying down. Before I settle down with the intent to project, I also like a glass of herbal tea. Green tea and Sassafras tea seem to help the most.
2.) Yes, I usually just go through a normal day, classes, work, homework, feed the cats/fish, watch television...etc. That's a pretty average weekday for me. Astral Projection is a taxing art, especially at first, so in the beginning I was lucky to succeed three times a week. Since becoming more skilled in the art, I've actually gotten up to being able to succeed every night, but usually refrain and go every other night.
It's important to understand that while you may look asleep to an onlooker, you aren't actually rejuvenating yourself as you would getting a normal night's rest. Since this is so, most practitioners only set aside a few nights a week to project, and this is simply because everyone needs sleep - especially college students!
Sephiroth and I typically set up certain nights to meet, because he, like me, has other things going on. Sometimes he isn't available for a whole week or more due to something he has to do...but damned if he'll explain what it is. Getting into 'the zone' takes practice, but the more you do it, the more you learn to shove aside classes, work, homework, feed the cats/fish, watching television...etc. Once you're able to completely clear your mind of the day's tasks, it isn't hard to begin meditation.
Your real body would appear to be asleep if you were walked in on. Your breathing and heart rate would be normal, and unless they tried to wake you up, would have no reason to be concerned. If you were in the middle of a full out-of-body projection, they wouldn't be able to wake you up. You would, of course, be aware that someone on the physical plane was attempting this, and it's advisable to return to your body immediately, so as to avoid alarm on the part of your family/friends.
3.) There are seven layers to the Astral Plane. The first is the easiest to describe, because you are simply moving about the physical plane as a sort of 'ghost.' From there on up the planes change according (I believe) to what the projector's subconscious mind is feeling. If you are afraid, the landscape will likely be something that you wouldn't feel comfortable exploring. In my experience, levels two through four are similar in appearance.
Another detail of projection. When someone who has never spontaneously projected learns to do so, the first layer is easiest to reach and explore, and as the projector moves further up through the layers, it becomes harder and harder to do so. I've never made it beyond layer five, and I've been at it for a long time.
I think I naturally project to level four, and that is where Sephiroth meets me. Being of 'divine' origin, he has more difficulty moving down through the layers as I, of physical origin, have trouble moving up. Therefore, layer four is a good compromise where we can both be comfortable. The description of where we meet changes regularly according to what we want there.
4.) You're typically aware of time passing on the physical realm when projecting, because as far as I can tell, time is not affected by which of the three layers you are currently operating on. I've been known to forget about the time, but that's not to say that everyone is as negligent as I am. Normally I try to reserve three or four hours to actually sleep before having to get up.
You do, of course, have full control at all times, and are free to return to your body at any time of your choosing.
Note: The first time you actually project consciously, seeing your body can be a little freaky - I know I was a bit disturbed. Don't worry though, your body is perfectly fine and capable of operating without your conscious effort.
Some details of my relationship: Seph and I...boy, where to start? Well, I guess for starters, neither of us is particularly romantic. Every once in a while one of us will want to do something along the lines of 'romantic,' but the majority of the time...I work fighting techniques with him. >.>; And most nights we'll just spend some time together...talking about anything and everything, from my day to me trying to pry information out of him. Thus far I've been unsuccessful.
Most recently, he insisted on working technique with me on hand to hand, following up on the attack from last month. I also expressed some concern about his recent absence (sometimes he'll leave for a week or more on 'official business,' which he can't explain to me) and as usual, he wouldn't say anything about where he was. The relationship is strange that way. I hide nothing from him (I doubt I could even if I wanted to) but he refuses to give me details about what he does when he isn't on the Astral Plane visiting me.
Go figure.
That's one of the many reasons I suspect that the character is based loosely on the archangel. Seph just has this personality...I love him for it, but damn if it isn't frustrating. (Several years ago I found a translated interview Mr. Nomura gave on his character design techniques in which he mentions the character Sephiroth is unique because he dreamed his appearance and name and never changed it. Since I found it the computer I saved it on was wiped out by the virus from hell, and I’ve been trying to find it again.)
I don't know if you follow astrology at all, but when I asked Seph what sign he would be should he have been born on earth, he told me he would be an Aquarius. Never saw that coming...not. See, I'm also an Aquarius, and so we but heads a lot. Aquarians are known for being fiercely independent, maybe a little cold, and typically secretive. Of every sign on the zodiac, Aquarians are given the lowest chance of finding lasting love, and most experts agree that two Aquarians could never make a relationship work.
The only reason we've made it work is because I've squashed my Aquarian-Dragon personality and accepted that I'll never be the dominant one in the relationship. So in that mindset, I've just learned that pushing him for information isn't going to get him to tell me anything, and will likely only irritate him.
There’s a book called the Darkside Zodiac by Stella Hyde, and I think her description of Aquarians was dead on: --- Aquarius is a masculine, fixed Air sign ruled by Uranus. It is the eleventh sign on the zodiac wheel, directly opposite Leo, and is named for the constellation Aquarius (the water carrier), which looks down its nose and takes notes behind the sun at this time of year.
On the Darkside, this makes you a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart. ---
Do you see the issue with Aquarians? It goes on in the 'incompatibility' section to state this on the topic of Aquarius/Aquarius relationships: 'Balanced Equation: You don't care; they don't care.' This isn't necessarily true of Seph and I, because we care about each other very much...but our idea of a good date is grabbing a weapon and fighting for a couple of hours.
As for ignoring him until he gives me information...there are a couple of problems with that. The biggest one is that I don't have that kind of will power. After a few days of no contact, I tend to get depressed, grumpy, snappy, violent, cruel, etc...until I see him again.
(Tl;dr: OMG I USE MAGICK TO VISIT SEPHIROTH SO I DON'T BECOME AN HERO!)
Blurty Reopened!
On Sunday, October 21st, 2007, after writing in her DA journal and "polling practically all of [her] friends" (see: nobody), Sephirothslave decided again to present herself as trollbait and reopen her Blurty. Her old crazy posts were still deleted, but her new ones explain her beliefs, how she "met" Sephiroth, what he is, and everything else she needs to present to a psychiatric clinic to prove she is certifiably insane.
Among her various claims so far are:
- Her psychatrist told her she was using "astral projection" when she described what are probably a bunch of fantasy-fueled lucid dreams
- Sephiroth - or anyone from FFVII for that matter - is not real (wait, what?) but the person she visits on the Astral Plane is Sephiroth, an archangel of heaven (FYI, according to Kabbalistic ranks of angels, that's one step above peon).
- When she was younger, she fell in love with the character but since she knew she could never be with him she began cutting herself and "overdosing on various over-the-counter-painkillers" (lol Advil) but the cheap knockoff of Sephiroth that was a figment of her imagination apparently saved her life
- She is not like the other fangirls (hmm, where have we heard that one before?)
- Her
imaginary loverarchangel may have inspired the creation of the character Sephiroth by appearing to Nomura in a dream (as mentioned in the tl;dr post above). Her claims are backed up by a supposed interview with Nomura, which conveniently cannot be found on teh world wide intarwebs. Whether or not the interview happened does not make the "theory" any less crackpot, especially considering she might start claiming that the character was created just to guide her to the archangel because you know shes so fucking special. Oh wait, she did start claiming that. - Apparently "a troll with some amount of hacking experience" implanted a virus into her old computer that wiped out the hard drive. Except not. She probably got the virus downloading yaoi Sephiroth doujinshi or the ripped version of Advent Children.
- Despite claiming that she does not edit her Blurty, she has taken out a section about her meeting with a so-called psychic woman called Cheryl. In that fragment, she describes how she doesn't go out of her way to meet mediums, but Cheryl was apparently very good and was even able to pinpoint Slave's thyroid condition and supposedly sense Sephiroth (whom she identified as "Seth"). The two had a private session afterwards, where the medium told Slave that she and Sephiroth had been together for thousands of past lives and that she decided to reincarnate on Earth in order to learn how to become more independent from him. When Slave pressed her imaginary boytoy for information on whether or not that was true, he reluctantly confirmed - which makes no sense, given that he supposedly inspired the creation of the very character which drove Julia to attempt suicide. Maybe that's why she took this bit out of the journal - because it clashes with the rest of the elaborate and lulzy fantasy which she has built in her head.
She also admitted she vanity stalks her own ED page to check for updates, as did her buddy M-chan. Which is ironic considering that ED supposedly stalks her pages every minute of every hour because we have no life.
The list and explanation goes on, so if you can settle for some TL;DR entries, you can check out her Blurty for some more LULZ.
As of now no one has asked her family about their feelings towards their new Astral In-Laws, including their Astral Father-In-Law, God, and their new Astral Brother-In-Law, Jesus.
Deviant Drama
It's no wonder that Sephirothslave's stupidity reached the far corners of the internet, including DeviantArt. Thanks to DeviantART's retarded new forum search, an old forum thread from 2005 that (according to this YTMND screenshot) quotes a 2004 Blurty post by Sephirothslave has been unearthed. The blog entry described is quoted in full in the post. The comments from the various DevianTARTs are amusing in the very least.
However, the main Julia-related lulz on DA arise from the fact that Sephirothslave herself keeps a journal on DeviantART in which she has written some very... interesting things:
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One of the artists Sephirothslave watches (and who in turn watches her) is Seraphim-Sephiroth. Seraphim-Sephiroth posted a rant on a fangirl that was bugging her, to which Sephirothslave replied: "Ignorant fangirls...*shudders* I would say to just shoot them, but that would be a waste of ammunition. And the worst part is that they seem to be a growing breed. What with Advent Children coming out...it's only going to get worse. >.<
Anyway, I'm so sorry that she was so rude to you. People who can't have civil conversations are just stupid. Especially when they're clearly wrong. No one likes to admit when they're wrong...but facts are facts. Even she should see that. Okay...I think I'm done.
Good luck with the overwhelming stupidity in the future. ^.^" (Someone needs to go back and look at all their posts and e-mails. Everywhere. Ever.)
Ironically, that rant was a psuedo-sequel to an earlier rant by Seraphim-Sephiroth which describes Sephirothslave practically to a T. While Seraphim-Sephiroth later stated that she was aware of Sephirothslave's insanity, Sephirothslave was still completely ignorant of the irony in her response.
Ironside!
At one point, Sephirothslave had joined the now-defunct AdventChildren.net Forums, which were managed by Summoner Yuna, the other crazy Sephiroth fangirl that so many people had trouble telling apart from Sephirothslave and vice versa, much to Julia's chagrin. Her posting was minimal but the threads were full of lulzy topics and lulzy responses. Sadly, not too much screencapping was done before ACF kicked the bucket due to Summoner Yuna's negligence. She admitted knowing about Summoner Yuna - but according to her she refused to discuss why she is really truly Sephiroth's one and only, saying: " seeing as how I am in Summoner Yuna's realm and have mentally refrained from discussing the aforementioned topic. I do not wish to make enemies here. If you wish me to explain myself, my claims and the facts supporting it, please PM me." (Hear that folks? She has FACTS to support her claims that she's the girlfriend/lover/gimp of a fictional video game villain!!! One can only imagine what they are.) One of SY's lackeys commented on her profile, calling her out on the ridiculousness that she thinks she is Sephiroth's soulmate by pointing out he's obviously already married to Summoner Yuna. Because defending one fucktarded fangirl's delusions against another's is a very worthwhile and logical cause.
Her introduction thread was probably the lulziest so far, right next to her post of some lulzy over-analysis essay explaining "Why Kingdom Hearts Proves Sephiroth isn't A Bady Guy and Cloud is an Evil Bastard" through ridiculously biased bullshit arguments in which she rapes a thesaurus and the syntax of the English language in every sentence. Said essay can be found on Julia's website here. She also posted a response in a thread about why the death of Aerith was so emotional, proclaiming that she hates Aerith and she laughed during the death scene. To her, laughing over the death of a fictional character proves that she is totally HARDKORE AND GAWTHIK.
She also stated that Yuffie and Cait Sith are two of the best and most useful characters while Aerith is completely useless, which just goes to show she'll go to great lengths of stupidity to be non-conformist in any situation.
Re: Mrs. Sephiroth
Sephirothslave claimed she "joined the forums at ACF not just to get involved in the community there, but [she] wanted to study Summoner Yuna and see what the story with her was," as if her actions weren't pretty obvious in the first place. Like most people, she doesn't think too highly of Summoner Yuna. She's attempted to contact SY but never got a reply, and supposedly read through her posts on ACF to see "what the story with her was." Most of this reeks of failed trolling attempts, but we all know Summoner Yuna is pretty much immune to trolls because she wields the almighty Banhammer of Thor on ACF and wears impenetrable armor forged from the dignity of her followers.
—On Summoner Yuna | ||
At least Summoner Yuna doesn't think she can hex people.
—When asked if she'd ever talked to SY | ||
Because Sephirothslave certainly isn't interested in starting drama.
Amanda
The creator of the site wondershock is no doubt a glutton for punishment. Fond of 4chan, Portal of Evil, and a variant of Google Seppuku, it's no wonder they have the stomach (much less interest) to venture into the world of Otakukin and research their behavior. The rotten fruits of their labor emerge on their Enchanted Subcultures page, and with it, a strangely familiar excerpt about a girl identified only as "Amanda."
It would not be a stretch to say that Amanda, a young, talented model with flowing golden hair, could attract any gentleman whose attention she might want. But alas, young men; her heart already belongs to someone, and she will spurn all advances. Amanda will tell you that she’s not simply attached, but married as well. Do not expect, however, to find her husband hovering around her photo shoots, or sitting quietly with her. Amanda is rarely afraid to discuss her unconventional relationship around sympathetic ears. She acknowledges that she is missing out on many of the things that normal couples do together, but feels that the strength of her love makes up for this. “I am aware that I’ll never have the physical bond that conventional couples have. I’m aware that I may be alone in the physical world, but I’ll always have Sephiroth,” she says.
The rest of this touching story can be found here. The author claims to have had a private interview with "Amanda," though the entire article seems to contradict Sephirothslave's recent claims, raising questions of the validity of the interview or Sephirothslave's archangel babble. Instead, everything seems to have been taken from her old Blurty entries she first became "infamous" for. It also identifies her as a soul bonder. The article is written like the kind of letters smitten psychopathic stalkers will write but never have the balls to send. They even go on to admit that they "really liked 'Amanda'" and "found her story quite touching."
Has Sephirothslave acquired an admirer? Is the author making a pathetic effort to stroke her ego in hopes of getting tail? It's hard to say, but at the very least the page is full of soulbonding and Otakukin related lulz.
On her Astral Dildo Edward Cullen Boytoy Husband
On a closer look, Sephirothslave’s apparently wonderful relationship with her astral husband proves to have disturbing undertones. Julia often bitches about his jealousy and possessiveness, two human flaws which hide a small penis an insecure character. He also has the habit of making fun of humans up from his fluffy cloud of shit, laughing at their limitations in order to make up for his two inches of astral cock. As if that isn’t enough to get him on top of the list of epic fail, he makes decisions for Julia because she’s too dumb to make them on her own. Like any good woman with a splendid future career in the astral kitchen making astral sandwiches, Julia takes Sephiroth’s words as law and is probably savagely beaten put in her place whenever she dares to step out of line.
—Sephirothslave was later punched in the face for daring to break the law that her man established. Serves her right, the silly woman. | ||
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Despite trying really hard (and failing) to pass off as an intelligent woman, Sephirothslave loves to stress out just how incredibly stupid she is compared to her boytoy. Not like we needed extra proof, but the gesture is nice.
—Sephirothslave, a dumb blonde if there ever was one. | ||
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All lulz aside, one of the creepiest aspects of their epic romance is the imbalance of power between the two. Sephiroth purposefully withholds information from her while she cannot hide anything because he stalks her every second of her life and then he gets all pissy when the stupid woman dares to ask where the fuck he’s been on a Saturday night. On top of that, Julia literally cannot live without her silver haired pimp daddy, falling into depression and having sadistic flashes if she goes on for too long without him and always ends up crawling back to suck on his erect penis, no matter who was right in the argument. She may be the most pathetic bitch alive who gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “cannot live without a man.” It’s safe to say that if the astral Edward Cullen ever decides to leave her sorry ass and prey on an even more unstable, insecure and self-loathing girl, Sephirothslave is screwed.
Return of the Sephirothslave (2009 - now)
In late 2009, Julia posted one last Blurty entry detailing some revelations and further proving to the world she is batshit insane. Then, suddenly, her internet activity dropped to nearly nothing for nearly two years. Her DA, Blurty, Livejournal, and every other site she had projectile vomited her nonsense onto were completely void of any activity. Then slowly, surely, in 2011, like a great hideous internet cockroach worthy of a Franz Kafka story, she began logging back into her DA, created a Tumblr, and even made herself a Photobucket. Like a washed up blue ribbon Lol-cow, she began rolling on her back, presenting her udders to us as she moos and whines and flails and tries to convince us she can still be milked for delicious lulz.
Her "Breakthrough", or more correctly She Finally Snapped
In the last entry in her Blurty in December of 2009, the mighty Mistress Julia, Sovereign Goddess of the Astral Plane, revealed a significant event that occurred to cause her powers to increase. Apparently, some Wiccan lady who claims to be able to channel angels contacted Julia and said that Sephiroth told the psychic Wiccan lady to tell Julia she is a stupid fucking whore contact her. The fact that Julia quoted Sephiroth herself in saying "that the effort it would take for a mortal to channel someone with his level of spiritual advancement could have lasting, long-term ill effects on both [...] body and mind..." already raises glaring contradictions that Julia most assuredly will address. Julia continues to say that the woman showed her how to open up clairvoyant abilities so she can communicate with Sephiroth on a daily basis. According to Julia, it worked, and she is not only able to HEAR VOICES IN HER HEAD speak with him, but feel his touch as he cops a feel of her pock-marked A-cups.She seems to have finally gone off the deep end, and has not been often heard from since, most likely because she is too busy getting pounded on the physical plane by her invisible boyfriend.
The TUMBLR
On 11/07/2011, after another lengthy unexplained absence from The Interwebs, Sephirothslave's supposed astral sex buddy stopped screwing her for long enough to allow her to open an account on Tumblr, where she practically begged ED to rape her in the ass. After a grand total of two days and a few hilarious and hypocritical posts and reblogs, Sephirothslave realized that nobody cares about her babble and dropped the project like a hot potato, further proving that she has deep seated attention whoring instincts.
Like every other website that allowed Julia to lay her grubby hands on the HTML coding, she chose an incredibly hideous layout and template for her tumblr, making her idiotic posting nigh unreadable. A mere handful of her posts are actually her original input or material; the rest is pick-me-up nonsense reblogged from boring self-help tumblrs. Despite the fact that she is making an attempt to speak with others and discuss her views on various subjects, she picked one of the worst sites possible for such a task in traditional Sephirothslave fashion. HOW I USE INTERNET?
What's to appreciate however, is the length that she went to in order to confirm ED's opinion about her mind-boggling ignorance and fickleness. Much appreciated, albeit unnecessary.
Reality Unwanted
In a desperate plea for attention, Julia has made "starring on a reality TV series" on of her new goals. It can be surmised she hopes that her great beauty, talent, and wisdom will get her "discovered" if she ends up on TV. And so she joined Reality Wanted, a totally useless website where people vote for each other to be on television and pat each other on the back all the time while spouting obnoxious daily wisdoms. It's almost like the Oscars, except none of these people have actually done anything with their lives except stir up DRAMA, which they hope to broadcast to the world.
Julia's main goal is to star in Big Brother with the rest of her family. Whether or not her family actually would consent to taking time out of their lives to star in a crap reality TV show is unknown. Her other main goals seem to be a chance to show off her collection of cheap replica weaponry. Upon reviewing her collection, one may notice that absolutely nothing she owns is actually worth more than a hundred bucks, and none of it is real or useable, not even for cutting herself. She seems completely unaware that there are serious career collectors out there, many of which who will have spent thousands of dollars on well-crafted replicas or even historical originals.
A List of the Lulziest Show Applications:
- Casting Call for "Amazing Women"
- SO I HERD U LIEK CATS Sephirothslave seems to be well on her way to being a crazy cat lady.
- Calling All Weapons Collectors! No one cares about your horde of $40 Desu Sword Replicas.
- Do You Need Help? She swears she's doing just fine though!
- Sibling abuse? Family Bullies Wanted! Lol whut?
- TV SHOW CASTING FOR REAL TEENAGE WITCHES! You're 25 years old, loser.
She also has posted four video applications of horrible quality. Two seem to be applications for the show about weapons, in which she demonstrates her masterful inability to manage a camera and wield weaponry in one go. The other two are applications for Big Brother, in which she ironically claims that her appearance on the show would draw viewers and increase ratings, a feat she attributes to her "infamy" on the internet. What she doesn't realize is that NO ONE WATCHES TELEVISION ANYMORE, and if she ever managed to wind up on television, about 5 people would watch it, rip it, and stream it for the rest of the interwebs to bask in any lulz she may have to offer.
Also, FUCKING LOL MANVOICE.
Slave thinks ED is dead, rejoices!
On April 3rd, 2012, Slave made an ecstatic Facebook post celebrating the supposed demise of Encyclopedia Dramatica and rejoiced in the death of the website who pointed out her idiocy for the benefit and lulz of the interwebz. As usual, the only thing that she achieved by making that post was proving her own boundless stupidity and proneness to making a complete and utter fool of herself. Sephirothslave posted the link to this article about the pussification of ED into OhInternet and was apparently too busy fapping to her delusions to notice that the article is ONE FUCKING YEAR OLD and that since then Encyclopedia Dramatica has long evaded every attempt of being turned into anything PG 13 - because fuck them. A few minutes' worth of web search would have enlightened her to the fact that ED merely switched domains and remains alive and well. It is only a matter of time before someone bursts her little bubble - in the meantime, enjoy the epic fail.
04/20/2012 UPDATE: Her state of blissful ignorance continued for two weeks, until somebody was kind enough to give her enthusiasm the mercy-kill it so desperately needed. But before being brought face to face with the truth, she managed to post an entry which broke all the lulz records that she had previously established. After being duly informed that the only grand thing about her is her fuckup, she quickly edited her post, claimed that she was "just one woman" (as if one would need the aid of the special fucking air forces to do a simple google search well for someone with her intellect, probably yes) and went back to her sad, sad corner of the internet with her tail so deep between her legs that it probably reached her colon. Despite her best efforts, she was too slow in deleting her pompous entry in which she gloated endlessly like a sick fuck over a kitten carcass and a vigilante managed to copy its contents and share them here for posterity.
Well, I apologize for being away for as long as I have been. Spring is a naturally busy time of the year for me, but I've finally accumulated enough comments here to feel inspired to whack out another couple of entries, just to keep up with stuff here - I'm determined to not let it die again!
First Up!!
I didn't post this here immediately, because I wanted to be relatively sure this was accurate before I leapt in with both feet. However, after the prerequisite couple of weeks and some minimal research I can safely say to my followers here:
Encyclopedia Dramatica is DEAD.
Please excuse me while I take another of many moments in the past week that I've had...moments filled with hysterical laughter at the gorgeous, beautiful reality finally proved true: As the motto of Survivor goes, "Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast." Well, outwitting I've managed with the ED-kiddies for a long while. Let's face facts, it's not like they could keep up with my "coherent English" articles! "Outplay," meh, probably I can't claim that. "Outlast."
Outlast. (see: Haha, I win.)
Now, that being said, I know my problems with the cyber-kiddies are far from done. I'm positive they're gather up somewhere else, and it's only a matter of time before I find them again. The charming kiddies aren't smart enough to leave well enough alone, and quit while they're ahead. And so, the chess game will continue.
Second, as pertaining to the first: I wasn't actually aware it was possible to spontaneously burst into song out of sheer joy. When I realized Encyclopedia Dramatica finally got its just deserts, I...um...yes, I admit to friends and lurking troll-children alike, I, Julia, burst into song in joy. Hence, the title of this entry, set to the title track of Broadway musical Wicked . "Good news! She's dead! The Witch of the West is dead..."
Being familiar with the musical, I'll present Glenda's monologue in that number, as editted by me for the situation:
"Fellow [visionaries]. Let us be glad, let us be grateful...let us rejoice-ify that goodness should subdue, the wicked workings of [a bunch of narrow minded asses.] Isn't it nice to know, that [intelligence] will [overcome idiocy], the Truth we all believe in by and by...outlive a lie...?"
"No one mourns the wicked; no one cries, they won't return, no one lays a lilly on their grave..."
Heh, alright, I'm done with that. Please forgive the musical interlude; that's merely how overwhelmingly amused I am by this development. And not, I add only because of my own vested interest in the site imploding. Please do keep in mind my primary interest in its death was that the whole site was a seething pile of grotesque, rude, crude, biggotted, narrow-minded, racist (sexist, prejudiced...etc....etc...) mockery of the whole of society today.
I'm all for te open discussion of varying views, but I would trouble the debaters to keep things courteous.
^ * * * ^
Dear dishonored foe,
Were it that you had fought honorably for your less-than-noble cause, your death would warrant a bow from myself, the victor. In the world I live in, whereby I am charged by the family I served to act with honor in all things, I'm left wondering how exactly I should properly bid you farewell for the final time.
I look back on the long and grueling battle we have fought, and consider the actions you have laid before me. Upon reflection, I find only the uneducated and oft' vile manner in which you sought to destroy me.
Here I stand on the field of battle, the victor in this, but with the war not yet over...though you fought with all your might, your defeat was regrettably for you, inevitable, as eventually it was certain you would stray so far over the line of good taste that action would have to be taken. Were you to have engaged in the polite discourse I offered, mayhaps you'd have known.
A lesser woman would indulge an, "I told you so."
The charge of my family dictates I can't lay your memory to rest without due tribute to the cause you fought for, as misguided as you were. But, your dishonorable means do not warrant a bow.
And so, I tip my hat to you, Encyclopedia Dramatica. I am sure you will be missed by the vulgar masses who enjoyed your bile. The more enlightened among us pray for a more courteous, more educated main base to emerge from the smoldering ashes of the crater you once dwelt in.
The nemeses that have chosen me in specific will undoubtedly rise again, coming at me still, and I await at the ready. Understand my letter as due tribute, that I acknowledge how hard you fought, and bury your memory with the honor you never showed me in return. May the negative energies return to the darkness of the universe, to be reformed as something of light.
The Victorious,
~ Julia
^ * * * ^
To the rest of the internet, stand by for an educational article to come at the nearest opportunity. Please understand that my schedule is jam-packed for the next month or so, but I do have most of an article written. I might try to hammer out the kinks in it now, and perhaps get it up today, or, God willing within the next few days.
I do continue to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support, and encouragement, and letting me know that my articles are making a difference, however small.
Light of Joy,
~ JuliaLight of joy indeed! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY LOLCOW! LIGHT OF LULZ TO YOU ALL!
Sephirothslave: An Epic History of Fail
Julia is known for being incredibly fickle about her hobbies and interests, and often claims to be AMAZING in each and every one. Over the years she has dipped her grubby hands in art, writing, jewelry making and modeling, the less-than-impressive results of which can be seen on her Deviantart. She also has claimed to have an interest in acting, martial arts, music, marine science (assumedly, she means Marine Biology), and historical reenacments, and of course, astral projection, and doesn't hide the fact she believes herself to be proficient in most, if not all, of these activities or studies.
The sad truth is that she cycles through hobbies and proffesions faster than Pocky is devoured in an animu convention. Art and writing seem to be her longest running hobbies, though all she has managed to write are horrible fanfictions and she draws nothing but crappy looking animu women and some FFVII fanart. Likewise, her forrays into jewelry-making, music (because people in band camp become great musicians), modeling, etc. were not only equally underwhelming, but short-lived. Of course, she claims to have a true gift for Astral Projection, which convientiently cannot be confirmed by anyone.
In recent years (2011-present) she was spotted claiming to be an actress, voice-actress(!) and author (even though she is yet to show a bare minimum of proof of having any of the aforementioned jobs). Considering the fact that she has nothing to present for all the years she supposedly spent searching for work in the entertainment industry, her self-assigned professions are a bunch of shameless lies said in a desperate attempt to paint a prettier picture of her bland and humble CV.
Writing FAIL
Most notable is her penchant for stereotypically bad fanfiction, mostly on fanfiction.net as highpriestessmegami. Her two most notorious fanfictions, ShinRa High and it's sequel ShinRa SOLDIER, Span over 170 "chapters" combined, which prompts Julia to refer to them as "novels" and cite them as her life's work. Usually focusing around Sephiroth, the fics are self-insert fantasies or just terribly written pieces based on her inaccurate interpretation of Sephiroth's past. Amongst these inaccuracies are that Hojo Did It, Sephiroth Was Jenova's Puppet the Entire Time, and last but not least, Sephiroth is a Dark and Tortured Soul Who Contemplates Suicide and Slits his Wrists and Listens to Linkin Park. Constantly portraying the cast inexcusably OOC, her fics are dull and poorly thought out torture-and-angstfests usually involving abuse of characters she dislikes, and disturbingly enough the ritual torture of Sephiroth himself. She also seems to have some sort of weird bondage-slavery fetish that ties in with her Sephiroth obsession, as well as delusions of grandeur of being some uber mage that can wipe out humanity but instead wants everyone to understand Sephiroth "really wasn't a bad guy. Really." Her original character, and avatar, named "Julia," depicts a mature looking, blonde, full-bosomed woman in black leather bondage-like gothwear. Like most original characters representing the innermost personalities of fangirls, it doesn't resemble her at all, and is generally the main character in her shitty fics. Julia is a major sociopathic and homocidal Jerk!Sue. And, if one squints their eyes and turns the pictures at a 173 degree angle, the crayon-puke squiggles of her original character further reveal that "Julia" is just a shitty clone of Trish from Devil May Cry. Or, "Julia" from Cowboy Bebop.
Not surprisingly, Julia is a poorly thought out Mary Sue character with a vocal distaste for preppy cheerleaders and jocks, the ability to cast high-level spells (by lamely shouting the spell name), fighting abilities, intelligence, and strength on par with Sephiroth, an apathy and lack of conscience towards killing human beings, but some weird fear of her oh-so-abusive father. It doesn't make much sense when she can "kill a human with little conscience" and cast uber spells of PWNAGE but shits her pants and cowers in fear when her father throws things at her and pistol whips her for being a failure at life. Quote Julia in one of her fics, "My biological father drove me gothic." WTF. Most of Sephirothslave's personal problems and issues get projected onto her character, such as a hatred toward "preps" and "jocks", her own self-esteem issues with her physical appearance, a vast hatred for other women, and a fear of her "abusive" father, who reportedly has said things about her mental instability and claims regarding visiting Sephiroth on the Astral Plane; though the physical abuse is likely blown out of proportion, kudos to him if he had the balls to smack the shit out of the dumb goth brat.
Later on in Shinra SOLDIER, Julia displays a disturbing tendency to casually commit genocide and war crimes that would make Kefka Palazzo proud, including decimating entire villages full of men, women, and children, forcing people to eat their own eyeball and torturing someone to death for daring to call Sephiroth a woman. Srsly, we cannot make this shit up. Sephiroth himself commits these atrocities right along with her, even cackling wildly over mounds of dead bodies of the people he has killed. Ironically, Sephirothslave seems to have unknowingly written him with Kefka's personality, which means that Julia should actually be a Mary Sue for Kefka. On top of all this, her stories have suicide and suicide attempts, father-daughter incest, rape, child prostitution, and hint at bestiality. Did we mention she wrote them between the age of 14 and 18?
To add to the Mary Sueness of Julia Nakahamou, she is an animal rights activist - a hypocritical one though, as she is shown not to care about the much-abused specimens in Hojo's lab. For more terrible literature, Sephirothslave also has her own, now abandoned website, The Realm of the Guardian (a Sephiroth fansite, of course), and though it is relatively empty it has three of her horrendous fanfics and one "analysis essay" available for reading.
In February 2012, Sephirothslave has deleted all her fictional autobiographies stories from her fanfiction.net account, making the internet a much cleaner place. The badfic aficionados must not be saddened though, as the masturbatory fantasies have been preserved in a much more amusing and entertaining form here.
Her Gary Stu
Also noteworthy is that she actually cried over the death of one of her original characters whom she had killed off in one of her fics. The term "original" is used very loosely, as the character is essentially a "blonde haired Zack" (her words) who she created to compensate for the fact she couldn't even manage to get Zack's otherwise simple personality correct. This means that she has succeeded in creating the first ever text recolor. After raping his characterization and turning him into a woman-beating lecherous jock, she created "Korokou" because she needed a happy-go-lucky spikey-haired guy to befriend Sephiroth in Zack's place. His death is even a pathetic and poorly choreographed parody of Zack's death, as Korokou pointlessly sacrifices himself for the Sue and her Suespawn, despite having brought a "small army" of SOLDIERs to help resolve a ridiculous hostage situation brought on by the cataclysmic stupidity of Julia and her boytoy. Instead of doing anything useful or fighting back, he just lets Hojo shoot him in the head. Despite the fact Korkou got practically no backstory or characterization and very few lines in the fics, he apparently had a deep friendship with Sephiroth and Julia by the time of his "tragic" end and everyone (left alive) in the fic mourns his death.
Korokou isn't the only proof that Sephirothslave is completely devoid of creativity. All the other original characters in her stories are actually real people, from her younger sister Laurel to her parents, highschool friends and band teacher. Being the dumb bitch that she is, Julia kept almost all of their first and last names intact when she inserted them into her brainvomit. The following quotes show her attempt at explaining her utter lack of creativity and illustrate the hypocritical attitude present in the reviews she left for infinitely more well written stories:
—Sephirothslave openly acknowledges that she is incapable of doing anything besides butchering pre-existing universes and characters. | ||
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NO HOMO
Another thing on Sephirothslave’s loltastically long list of character flaws is her homophobia. Her fanfictions Shinra High and Shinra SOLDIER stand proof for her narrow-mindedness and blind religious indoctrination when it comes to the topic of homosexuality. Not only does her character and self-insert treat any allusion to her being anything but straight like an offense punishable by extreme physical pain, but she portrays gay characters acting like bitches in heat and unable to socialize like normal human beings. In addition, Sephirothslave is such an intellectual, classy, and civilized individual that she even went so far as to burn a yaoi doujinshi she found offensive (but bought anyway for some reason? AND kept the cover because it had naked Sephiroth on it and that's zomg so hawt). Quite disturbing, considering that the derogatory term "faggot" arose from the fact people used to burn actual homosexual people.
—Chapter 2 of the rewritten version of Shinra High, in which Sephirothslave shows us just how terribly offensive being called a lesbian is. Because we all know homosexuality is sinful and disgusting. | ||
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Spork You
Currently, an attempt by several brave (or foolhardy) souls is being made to tear apart the literary atrocities that Julia has spat out over the years, especially her ShinRa High and SOLDIER fanfictions for which she is notorious for. This epic (and now complete) undertaking of a sporking can be found here. Note that this is not for the faint of heart; in addition to the already simply disturbing nature of her fanfiction, the sporkers are digging deep to reveal the truly twisted implications left behind by Julia's psychotic subconscious. To make the fanfiction bearable, the sporkers create original works of fiction and drawings to help illustrate the insanity.
Several other attempts have been made, but the poor devils who tried taking on the mighty badfic dragon reached only as far as chapter 7 before their brains probably turned to mush and leaked out their noses. Also feel free to stop by Julia Nakahamou's facebook page to show your love for Sephirothslave's OC and spread the lulz.
Shinra High Dramatic Reading!
Art FAIL
Sephirothslave has the drawing talents of a typical tweeny fangirl. To distract people from her complete lack of artistic skill, she usually accompanies every drawing with a TL;DR mini-fanfic. Some are an amusing read, but no amount of Mary-Sue literature can help her terrible artwork look any better. Of course, when she can't mask the shittiness of her artwork with boring stories, she usually just blames her scanner for ruining the colors or not showing the entirety of her beautiful masterpieces. Many of her images are scanned at a large resolution with tons of extra space and kept that way when put in her gallery for no apparent reason other than she can't properly modify her scanners DPI settings or use the crop tool, possibly because all she has is MS Paint. Not that that doesn't stop her from trying to "clean up" her artwork. Most of her artwork had to be significantly re-sized to even be uploadable on ED, so you should go and see it in its original, eye-gouging glory on her DA gallery.
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Her avatar/original character, "Julia." Or maybe Trish. -
Jesus Christ, what took a bite out of his face? And are those eyebrows or antennae? -
For hating Cloud, she draws more artwork of him than Sephiroth. She seems to have enjoyed drawing him in drag and elaborating on the details of disguise too.
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"The Infamous Willowkin," certainly not as infamous as MUDKIPS. -
"The Whore of Shinra Inc." what. -
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o, hi Trish -
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A gift from her art teacher; a horribly executed depiction of Julia and Sephir- Hey wait I thought she was totally OVER the character being her lover why the hell does she want people drawing her with him? -
HAI GAIZ, WAT HEAD SHOULD I WEAR TODAY? -
Sepirothslave's obvious jealousy of busty women is shown here. -
Oh yeah, blood is IN. -
Sepirothslave represents her mother in a drawing of "Alice". But we all know better. -
"Anyway, this is my interpretation of the character Clarice from the Hannibal Lector series (which I love). The whole drawing took about three days, mostly because I'm lazy, but I'm fairly pleased with my little random sketch.." -Sepirothslave -
Of course she likes McGee's version of Alice, it's so GAWTHIC. And where's the Rab - oh god.
Results of Whoredom - Her Photoshoops
We thought Summoner Yuna was the only one who disgraced herself by producing titillating photo manipulations, but we were recently proven wrong by Sephirothslave, proving that the minds of crazy Sephiroth fangirls think alike. She claims that she produced these thirty photoshoops "out of boredom," which is either a blatant lie or she has way too much free time on her hands and is bored a LOT. Instead of keeping these shitty manips in a locked folder named FAP GALLERY on her computer, Sephirothslave thought it wise to grant public access to them. And we're glad she did, because they are fucking HILARIOUS and practically impossible to view with a straight face. The rest can be found here
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It seems like imaginary astral kids have entered the picture, guys. -
Even her fantasies are tacky as hell. -
Believe it or not, these lovingly crafted shoops end up framed in her room. -
Still delusional! -
The Lord and Lady of Lolwhutshire! -
We can't make this shit up, folks. -
The masochism tango! -
I pronounce you hair and wife!
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Photoshop can work true wonders, even on a poor A cup! -
Check out the airbags she slapped on her chest! Pathetic. -
Five seconds before Sephiroth shoved an Ifrit materia in her mouth and ran for the hills. -
Notice Julia’s “name rune” and how the entire runic ensemble resembles a pair of stickmen having sex. -
Cosplaying as the Joker’s long lost, retarded cousin. Again, notice the long, unevenly manicured nails. -
Sephiroth can be seen marveling a.t her flat chest. -
She's trying to use her weeaboo powers to seduce him. -
We like to imagine he is breaking her spine in two. -
How could he not be enamored by her beautiful gaze, like a dead fish? -
HAIR MONSTER AAAAAUGH -
He is imagining all the ways he can painfully murder her. -
Julia, Sephiroth and Kuja's child. -
It's like she's stabbing him in the neck with her chin. -
Between the manface, manshoulders and manhands, it's hard to tell who the man in this picture is. -
Failing at both. -
Bitch, where's that glass of whiskey I asked for?
Modeling Career FAIL
—Sephirothslave | ||
Of course, the strong, independent and non-conformist "goth" likes to talk about her modeling career - after all, only incredibly beautiful people can become models. Nevermind that becoming a model is one of the most dangerous, vapid, and self-depreciating careers a young girl could become entrapped in, being a model makes you AMAZING. All throughout Sephirtohslave's DA and in many of her journals, she mentions that she is a career model. Several pictures of questionable quality pepper her gallery, and she claims they are samples from her "photoshoots." How could someone like Sephirothslave even become a model? one may ask. Her ass is way too fat for her to be an actual model (real modeling angencies like them anna-loving skinny bitches, and Sephirothslave can barely seem to fit into her tacky Hot Topic clothing), and she hasn't wasted away after becoming obsessed with purging and taking meth to promote weight loss, so just what kind of talent agency would employ Sephirothslave? In response to a comment asking her about her modeling job left on her LiveJournal, she responds that "[she's] signed with Via Entertainment, and that's a good place to start when you're just getting into the industry."
As it turns out, Via Entertainment is a notorious scamming company comprised of sleazy salesmen who essentially overcharge people for creating their modeling portfolio with pictures of questionable quality taken by one of their sub-par photographers. Various complaints can be found online, detailing in a consistent manner the repeated scams of Via Entertainment - both at their Arizona location, and the Colorado location which Julia is likely signed with.
Given this information, it's very unlikely that Julia is a true and successful model, and has instead been duped into surrendering her money to a greedy scam company. To take into account is also the fact that despite claiming to have a successful career in modeling, Slave does not have an ounce of evidence to back this up. No ads, no commercials, not even runway photographs. Most of her so-called portfolio is comprised of hundreds of cringeworthy, self taken shots or free photoshoots under two random photographers with questionable taste and talent and one Via Entertainment photoshoot that she had to pay for. Looking back, it is more likely that the only place in which she's a successful local model is her head.
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Girl still doesn't know shit about posing. -
Gangsta style! -
Witness the skill of a professional model! -
Steampunk meets desperation. -
Photoshop nightmare ahoy! -
Protip: Don't wear a corset with a bust you can't fill. The cups are scrunched up because they're so fucking empty. Sad. -
She looks like someone punched her in the tits and she never recovered. -
Too funny for words!
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Cosplaying a Japanese prostitute? -
Is it normal to see so many bones in one's chest? And where are her breasts? -
A storm of tackiness. -
You're perfect... FOR THE CIRCUS.
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Seriously? You're going to wear a bra with straps for a backless sleeveless dress in a modeling photoshoot? Not that those A Cups need one. -
HORSEFACE. Note the terrible makeup job; lipstick is several shades too light, her disappearing eyebrows need to be penciled in, and the makeup fails to conceal the the badly pockmarked skin. -
Because professional female models are known for their toned and muscled physiques... also note the manface and impromptu, poorly coordinated set. -
Extremely long, unevenly manicured nails... truly the hands of someone who claims to regularly practice martial arts and boxing.
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It feels a bit nipply in here. (WARNING: CANNOT UNSEE)Also, in this pic she ironically looks like the blonde FFVII villain she constantly decries as a total hobag, Scarlet. -
Professional models and photographers ALWAYS use dirty, trashy looking props. -
Raccoon eyes, frown lines and puffy cheeks are so attractive. O HEY IZ DAT SUM MYSTICAL SEPHIROTH RUNE PENDANT? -
What kind of pose is this? I guess the photographer let one rip? -
Poor lighting, blurry picture... yep that is professional. -
Best pic so far; we can't see her ugly mug. But that's not the point of modeling photographs is it? -
Julia cosplaying a hobo begging for change. -
While looking at this obviously professionally executed pose and photograph, keep in mind this is supposedly one of the photographers who actually would ask if the aspiring "models" wanted to pose topless. -
DOIN IT RITE by hiding her ugly mug. -
For god's sake you can see the lighting umbrella! -
Some say this is the face she makes before she brutally rapes the canon of her favorite series. -
O hai again umbrella. Also that is a really ugly carpet. -
Notice how she has worn the same bland expression in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE. Models don't smile m i rite? -
Sephiroth would totally hit that. -
Trying to be mysterious or something. -
She was so pleased with this picture, she posted in on her DA as her favorite. -
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Another one of her "favorites" that she posted on DA. -
RapeConstipation is imminent. Also, wtf is up with those horrid shoes? -
Even Sephirothslave herself agrees the truth of her batshit crazy antics is far worse than the rumors.
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How much do you wanna bet she never actually sees it coming? -
And what wannabe Wicca-psycick is complete without sparkly fluffy fairy dragons? -
She just found out that her local Hot Topic is closing down. Now where will she get her hideous makeup from? -
A normal headshot of Sephirothslave.
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She’s angry because she’s looking in a mirror. -
How Julia looks whenever her astral dildo isn't around to screw her. -
About to take a sword to a gunfight. -
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. -
The face that launched a thousand ships... the OTHER WAY. -
Sephirothslave’s attempt at the Myspace angle. She even fails at failing. -
Demonstrating her inclination towards natural poses. -
Better lock your astral doors at night! -
Judging by the terrifying smile on Sephirothslave's face, that poor cat is about to get its head bitten off.
—Which is exactly why she tried for nearly two years to become a "professional model." | ||
Because Sephirothslave just doesn't care about what we think at all, she made some recent retorts towards information on her ED article. She wound up acknowledging the fact she is unfit to be a model because of her appearance, then went to claim she is "legitimately a local model." In classic Sephirothslave fashion, she tells but never shows, as she has yet to produce any actual modeling work she has done in Colorado, whether it be billboard ads, TV commercials or otherwise. If she is still signed with Via Entertainment, given its history, Colorado residents may want to beware mentally disturbed giant soybeans passing out tofu samples outside of your local Sam's Club.
Ironically, Julia has been capable of looking presentable, if not somewhat normal. Unfortunately, something somewhere went wrong, probably when she decided to cake tons of goth makeup on her face, ignore all the rules of coordinated makeup application and fashion sense, and shop exclusively at Hot-Topic and second-hand clothing stores so she can dress like she's attending a funeral, and beef up her physique while simultaneously losing weight in attempts to look like a super model.
Jewelry-making FAIL
Adding to Julia's long list of epic fail is her tragic attempt at "jewelry-making." Even after two or three semesters of classes, she fails to produce anything remotely resembling a quality piece. Despite her typical mediocre skills, Julia boasts that more than one of her pieces "sells like mad", only to reveal that the impressive number is around 4-5. These "successes" prompted her to attempt setting up a jewelry-making studio in her apartment, an idea that was seemingly dropped as soon as it burbled forth from Julia's cesspool of a brain. Julia even makes basic mistakes such as mixing precious metals with non-precious metals and setting glass stone decorations meant for a fish bowl amongst the metal, creating a truly tacky work of art. None of this stopped Julia from behaving as if her skills were great, despite the fact they were barely passable. However, like most of her other hobbies, her infatuation with making jewelry abruptly ended as soon as it began.
Martial Arts FAIL
In a journal entry on her DA account, Sephirothslave describes being attacked at her local mall. Apparently, there were a couple of guys who were up to no good and started making trouble in her neighborhood, and right when one was about to attack her weak point for massive damage, she killed his lulz by kneeing him in the crotch. In the post, she attributes her victory to her "martial arts training," and not the fact she just kneed a guy in his fucking crotch. If all she got out of "years of training in the fighting arts" was the lesson to knee your opponent in the crotch, she got ripped off. She also claims she has a reputation as a "bad-ass bitch," but she's fooling herself into believing she has made any reputation for herself other than "that crazy chick who thinks she talks to Sephiroth on the astral plane."
On the other hand, this story is quite possibly an attempt at bringing attention back and making herself seem like some sort of Anonymous-slaying badass. She claims to have refused to report the incident to the police, even waiting several days to tell her parents about the attack so they couldn't force her to file a report. That would conveniently mean there is no real way to confirm this incident ever happened, unless the alleged attacker wants to take the ice pack off his nuts for a while to come forward with his side of the story. Yet this in itself may be a convenient loophole, as anyone suffering the severe butthurt from being knocked in the cajones by a delusional fangirl is unlikely to speak up.
Journal Entry here.
Training in the deadly art of swords
Not long after the fighting incident described in her journal, Sephirothslave, like the retard she is, decides it's a good idea to make a deviation out of a photo of her to show everyone what she fucking looks like.
As pointed out from some sword students who have been studying with a performance acting group for some time now, Sephirothslave is holding her sword at "an uncomfortable angle that no real sword fighter would use." If she really has spent years studying the art of sword fighting, I think it's safe to conclude that her lessons are getting her nowhere fast, and the world can sleep peacefully knowing that she would most likely do more harm to herself were she ever to actually attempt sword in real life. But who knows; maybe the fighting style is different on the Astral Realm. In which case, I recommend you all Astrally install electronic security, an Astral phone tracing system, and buy an Astral dog.
May the Astral force be with you all.
Music Fail
Suffice to say, Julia believes herself (or once did, before she tossed the hobby aside like some cheap whore) to be a competent flautist. Or piccolotist. Or pickle-whistler. Or whatever. Most of this can be determined by the way she writes her Mary Sue, Julia, as an if she were a genius musician. It can also be determined by the fact that Julia never shut the fuck up about being in "band" until she graduated highschool. At some point, while she still lived in Virginia, she entered auditions for something-or-other band related, and admitted to botching it. Despite that, she bragged about being invited right afterward to play for an event in Florida, which she mentioned no one fucking cared about but boasted about being at the front of the procession anyway. Afterward Julia probably learned that no one gives a fuck about people in band camp after highschool, and that people in band are crap musicians and don't get a career with music.
Mystick Sephiroth Rune Pendant
—From her Blurty, 10/03/07 | ||
As noted by the above quote, Sephirothslave claims to have a "rune" that spells out Sephiroth's name etched onto a pendant she wears. In fact, the "rune" can be seen on several pieces of jewelry she has made and wears in her photos, as well as on the drawings of her "original character" Julia. Sephirothslave, of course, being the dumb shit she is, has no idea that a rune is, as defined by the Wesbter dictionary, "any of the characters of any of several alphabets used by the Germanic peoples from about the 3d to the 13th centuries." More appropriately, the mass of squiggly lines she claims are Sephiroth's rune could more accurately be defined as a sigil.
Or, even more appropriately, they could be defined as a mass of squiggly lines made up by a batshit-insane fangirl.
More eyebrow-raising however, is her unshakable belief that the "thorough understanding of runic systems taught to [her] by him" and "a runic signature" act as proof that Sephiroth is totally real, guyz! A rooonik system and signature that are conveniently unknown to everybody on the planet and could in no way be invented by Slave herself. Absolutely legit.
Quotes from Family and Friends
—Laurel, her younger sister | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Extra
- In recent fits of characteristic arrogance and delusion, she has claimed that she knows the characters of Final Fantasy VII better than their creators and that if given the chance (she) would stare the lovely folks at Square down and tell them to their faces that they are wrong. She's like an endless lulz dispenser, always ready to pop hilarity for the benefit of the internet.
- She claims to have studied visual arts at the Pikes Peak Community College, but dropped out and claims that she "failed to see the need for a degree stating [she] can draw a pretty picture." Sour grapes AND loser all in one!
- She claims to work for PsychicSource - that we can believe, as hacks like her usually end up scamming desperate people out of their money for a living.
- Despite the fact she often talks about astrology, she seems to have completely missed the fact that in the Chinese Zodiac she is not, in fact, a Dragon. As she was born 02/09/1988, her Chinese Zodiac sign is a Rabbit.
- Though most of her activity on the internet has ceased, small bits of info on her recent life can be gleaned from her friend's journals, including one that mentions that she acquired a wedding ring for herself (assuredly to complement that marriage license she got at the age of TWELVE).
- A fan of the game since its release in 1997, it is unknown if she was a fan of Sephiroth from the tender age of 9. However, her Astral Journeys to La-la Land started back in 2003.
- Apparently Sephiroth is double-timing Summoner Yuna to flirt with a much younger (and possibly even more mentally unstable) piece of fangirl tail.
Unlike Summoner Yuna, she insists that Sephiroth is real, and is in love with him.No, wait, he's not real, but one of God's flunkee angels that isn't the same as FFVII's Sephiroth? This is becoming impossibly more ridiculous. Either way, it's safe to say if he were real they'd both be bloodstains on the ground before they got a chance to glomp him.- Her OC Julia scores about a 140 on the Mary-Sue Litmus Test. 50+ Is "Kill it Dead."
- She thinks any fangirl with a screenname resembling hers is apparently ripping her off, even though fangirls have been calling themselves "sephirothsluvr" or "sephirothswife" or "sephirothscumdumpster" on forums and message boards ever since FFVII first came out.
- If she is, in fact, seeing a person from the astral plane, they would have to be one of the most epic trolls in the history of the internets.
- Despite her insistence that her angel inspired the video game character of the same name (possibly intentionally), she can be quoted several times saying that her archangel believes the similarities between himself and the video game character to be very odd.
- She claims her father has contacted the local bishop for guidance about his useless reject of a daughter - supposedly in hopes of an exorcism. We assume that the bishop kindly pointed towards the loony bin after smacking him in the face for his parenting fail.
- She has no clue about how copyright works.
- Her Myspace status is "Single."
- She even gave her hallucination a birthdate: February 18, even though... he
doesn't existis not human. - Sephirothslave's AIM: VampyricCheshyre; [email protected] It's email trolling time.
External Links
- sephirothslave's DevianTART
- sephirothslave's LiveJournal
sephirothslave's Fanfics as highpreistessmegamiBALEETED! Fics can be found here.- Shinra High and Shinra SOLDIER now have a TvTropes page!
- sephirothslave's Blurty
now emptyREOPENED!The Blurty website itself appears to have finally died. - Partial contents of sephirothslave's Blurty recovered through the Way Back Machine.
- a YTMND of sephirothslave's emailed response to a supposed troll - the accompanying Codec transmission makes more sense than her
- Sephirothslave's AC.net forum profile.
- A cropped snapshot of Sephirothslave's Myspace page, which she quickly abandoned after it failed to bring her the attention she thirsts for.
- Her Twitter account.
- Her Facebook.
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Vampires • Humanoids • Reptiles • The Rest • See Also Click topics to expand |
  [It was a dark and stormy night...]
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