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Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades of Grey is smut written by a bored British housewife named E. L. James. It was originally a Twilight fanfiction called, Master of the Universe but was removed from fanfiction.net, because she wanted to make money off of her poorly written erotica. E. L. James decided to share her sexual fantasies to the mainstream public by changing the names of the characters and publishing her piece of shit work. And so began the media sensation, "Fifty Shades of Grey" as every housewife within a mile radius of a store rushed to get it and a vibrator and get down to business.
It stars a virgin named Anastasia Steele who meets a millionaire named Christian Grey, and in typical porn fashion, they fuck and she can't get enough of his dick. Ana loves getting tied up and being his submissive bitch, getting wet every time he smacks her around and rapes her.
Despite the boring plot, the one-dimensional characters, and the poorly written sex scenes, Fifty Shades of Grey was proven to be an international success. Its target demographic: forty year-old housewives whose husbands are busy fucking the young secretary that will actually suck and swallow. This book provides fappable material for these sex depraved housewives who secretly fantasize about being slave whores to shirtless, well-built, male gardeners while their husbands are away fucking their cousins. It was bestseller of the year and is now forced into libraries and public education as a form of study and as a guide for women to read while bored in the kitchen.
Characters
Anastasia Steele: A boring, whiny, fresh-out-of-college virgin who, for some reason, every guy wants to stick his dick in. Despite never having masturbated in her life, she's able to lose her virginity with hardly any pain, and even gave a perfect blowjob on her first try. She constantly gnaws on her lower lip, which gives Grey a raging hard-on, and loves getting her ass kicked by him, having orgasms every time he practices his pimp slap on her. She soon falls in love with Grey for his "intelligence" and "charms".
Christian Grey: A 27-year-old CEO of some generic company that surrounds himself with blonde women as a part of his fascist sexual tendencies and his need to assure the public that he doesn't take it up the ass on a regular basis, save for when he was raped by his adoptive mother's best friend at fifteen, teaching him how to find pleasure in domestic violence and rape.
José Rodriguez: One of the guys who wants to bang Anastasia Sue. One night he gets drunk and nearly rapes her, but Grey stepped in to save her, telling him that she was his to rape.
Katherine "Kate" Kavanagh: Anastasia's roommate who is extremely open about her sexual encounters, constantly regaling Ana with stories of how many penises she was able to fit in all her orifices at once.
Plot
The plot, if you want to call it that, is your basic, "Aloof, naïve girl meets rich, handsome man with mommy issues. They have a lot of sex and live happily ever after in their mansion" story, save for the kinky fuckery and borderline-retarded dialogue.
—E. L. James knows how to subtly tell you what the book is going to be about | ||
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Erika L. James
Naturally, this shit could've only been written by a 48-year-old mother of two who should definitely stick to her day job. Erika Leonard James said that she did a lot of research on BDSM by watching enough porn that would make Quagmire admire her. Many doubt that she did much research at all considering that the sex scenes were extremely generic and uninteresting to people with healthy sex lives. Isn't funny that she's a fatass doppleganger of the Twilight writer.
E. L. James claiming that she did research.
In the days of Shakespeare, talent and literacy were needed to make a famous novel, but thanks to Erika and Stephanie Meyer and all the stupid fucks who buy into their bullshit, the only thing needed is a set of ovaries and the minimum of an sixth grade education. Her most used tools for writing the books was finding new synonyms on Microsoft Word to make up for her lack of sophisticated vocabulary and trying to make her characters sound upper class, that is, before degrading them back to cumwhores when she gets lazy and wants to get horny. By using repetitive words, pretentious word usage, and terrible story structure/storyline, she became an overnight millionaire. Much like her idol, she decided to milk the book for all its worth and create two sequels to it, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.
Her books are primarily composed of events that would never happen in real life. If any of the books happened in real life, Ana would be in a domestic abuse victim unit and Christian Grey would be behind bars for abusing dem virgins, unless of course it was staged somewhere else. It's a wonder how her husband can stand being around her. Perhaps he's into it as well.
Film
Are you too lazy to read this crap? If so, good news! They're making a movie out of it. Yes, there has been a lot of talk about the making of a Fifty Shades of Grey movie. According to the Los Angeles Times, the novel's film rights have been sold to Universal Pictures, so one is to assume that Fifty Shades of Grey will follow in its predecessor's footsteps and shit out a few poorly acted movies.
—Emma Watson (potential actress for Ana) telling people she'll go nude on camera | ||
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Book Reviews
—a stunning review from Robert Wayne Stiles | ||
