Glossary of Scientology

Are you ready for the FACTS?

Practical Terms

The father of Scientology

Being black, Martha required daily auditing to prevent her from stealing the tyres and leaving the TARDIS propped up on bricks

XENU HAET IMMORTALS

Reactive Mind

The subconscious mind which fucks you up by making you lose your temper, conceal your past, hold prejudiced or uninformed opinions and enjoy the musical stylings of Aphex Twin. The initial purpose of Scientology is to suppress the reactive mind through auditing.

E-Meter

Xenu-weenu detector. Goes bing when there's Scientology. Sort of a cross between a lie detector and one of those Love-Matic machines you see at fairgrounds. Almost used by CIA and the FBI to find out if you are a Guantanamo candidate or not. It has lots of complicated electronics inside, lots of sensors and chips and teh newest version is actually used by Scientology to Wiretapping Connections of their Xenu Slaves to the Marcab Confederacy, to Sea Arrrgh or to AIS. In no Way you can questioning the reliability of the results from the Indicating Nail, don t even try by pressing more or less on the cylinders, the Results are always 100% reliable.

Charged

1. Typically a painful or embarrassing memory, like the time you were banned from 4chan for /r/ing in /h/, or whatever. A single busload of Anons is theorized to carry enough charge to power Rhode Island.
2. What happens before you get audited. For example: "One man paid $1,200 upfront for a 50-hour course which he completed in 20 minutes, working out to around a dollar per second." - Paulette Cooper, The Scandal Of Scientology

Xenu

Xenu is the alien who dumped all the ghosts into the volcanoes. Xenu doesn't want living creatures to know that they are beautiful, immortal beings because he secretly owns LiveJournal and is making a fortune from angst, bad poetry and animated gifs of spinning skulls.

OT

An "Operating Thetan" or "OT" is a Scilon who, after paying hundreds of thousands of dollars, has been told the Xenu story. Then they are stupid enough not to quit Scientology on the spot. Instead, they pay lots more money to be told even more silly sci-fi stories.

Thetans

Alien ghosts in your head that cause you to be charged. The only way to get them out is to wank them out or to call the Exorcist.

Auditing

You hold the E-Meter and think about the time you were arrested in Piccadilly Circus drunk, naked, crying uncontrollably and wearing your mothers freshly-jizzed-into panties on your head. If it reacts, you're charged. In order to un-charge the memory you have to discuss it with your auditor and dissect it until you no longer feel shitty.

TL;DR: AN AUDIT IS A SESSION OF PSYCHIATRY, AND ALL AUDITORS ARE PSYCHIATRISTS.

Clear

Short for OT Clear (Operating Thetan Clear). A person who has got rid of all his charge from auditing. This is supposedly a highly desirable state, although how you get your jollies having shut down your reactive mind is your problem. Presumably you're meant to get on with the important things in life like doing a few crosswords, or jumping on Oprah's sofa. (Ooooooh, glib!)

Dianetics

Brainwashing. The really good shit that goes on in auditing once you're judged to be clear. Once one is ready to start some serious power lvling, auditing becomes a kind of horrifying Nazi spelling bee. Expensive as fuck.

An example of this is "Word Clearing," where the victim is asked to define words in their language, and the slightest hesitation or inaccuracy means that you fail it (Scientology).

Glib

One who is skilled at appearing win while actually being fail. Tom Cruise's favourite insult in the world.

Sec_Check

Described in simple Words: Sec Check is like a security check to find out if someone in their Sect is still loyal (Mind controlled) or could represent a Danger to them or to their dangerous cult.In practical Words, they just want to keep their Slaves in Chains, so the Slaves cannot leave. Sec Check is a Result of the Paranoia, schizophrenic and other several Mental Disorders .Sec Check is Part of the Torture inside C0$ and their Crimes against Humanity.Scientology believes in reincarnation, they believe that children are adults with small bodies,so they do Sec Check Sessions even for children 6-12 also. Seck Checks are done with E-Meters and many stupid Questions.

"The SPs"

Distinct from simply SPs, as of June 2008 the Office of Special Affairs are referring to Anonymous simply as "The SPs." Damn you, Miscavige. You win this round.

Moonspeak

Church of Scientology International

We can not has Hatting Manual. Doesn't has high enough clearance.
:(((((

The CSI are not the only victims of IRL CP raids

Abberation

Any deviation from reality.

ARC

Anal Retention Conditioning. Wonder why $cifags never smile?

Assist

The reduction of current pain by Dianetic Methods

Auditor's Code

A code employed by the auditor in his relationship with the Preclear to ensure ease in running the case.

CSI

A television program about a detective and his OCD sunglasses habits.

Child Dianetics

That branch of Dianetics which is concerned with promoting optimum survival of the immature human organism until such time as standard procedure for adults may be employed to erase engrams, usually around the age of twelve.

Dwindling Spiral

A state of being characterized by decline or shrinking. TLDR: Erectile dysfunction. This is proof that Scilons are big fans of TTGL.

Dramatisation

To give someone an "Engram" (basically a Pavlovian reaction) by calling them a fucktard on their LiveJournal.

Dub-In

Officially defined as: "Material which is colored by imagination, presented by a preclear during processing." A good example is the Marcab Confederacy.

End of Cycle (End Cycle)

An hero. Also called EOC or "drop the body". Scilons have at least 100 words to describe pwning themselves.

Engram

Alone it's code word for mental trauma. If you see the word thetans mixed with this, it refers instead to spirit possession.

Exteriorization

Killing someone; putting their very soul on the exterior of the body.

Org

A wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Sea Org

The CSI's floating fortress where they pwn children. Only the really COOL kids are allowed onboard.

Fair Game

Refers to an official internal memo from the CSI to all Orgs stating that the opponents of the cult were to be pwnt by any means necessary.

Gaslighting

A popular form of brainwashing, emotional abuse and trolling (both in Flame Wars and IRL). Gaslighting basically consists of shifting blame for anything wrong with a situation its victim. Example:

PRIMA: My God, what a hurtful thing to say.
NORMAL PERSON: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean it to be offensive.
GASLIGHTER: Oh, well I'm sorry YOU took it that way.

In classic psychology, the Gaslighter is typically unaware of what they are doing. However, CoS uses Gaslighting intentionally, both as a form of brainwashing (on its followers) and as a tactic of psychological warfare (against their enemies).

Havingness

One's level of confidence and possession of any given environment or situation. Anon's equivalent stat is called "Hasingness." If you choose to play as a Scientologist, you can not has it.

Operation Freakout

Smear campaign which had Paulette Cooper, the CSI's first serious critic, v& on terror charges.

Operation Snow White

CSI's attempt to delete fucking everything. The single largest infiltration of the US Government in history.

SP

Suppressive Person. One who tries to discourage a friend or family member from membership of the CSI; to wit, a sane, scared person who fears for the person they love.

PTS

Potential Trouble Source. Refers to the Scilon belief that bad luck is literally a communicable disease. Associating with an SP will cause you to become a PTS.

Hatting

Job training. Scilons believe that all SPs have a "Hatting Manual" that has all the instructions from our leaders in it. Here at ED we were furious to find our copy absent, and sent several angry emails to the mothership, the German secret service and Fulltrack HQ.

Imagine our disappointment when the "Secret Documents Never Before Released To The Public" which the Office of Special Affairs have been touting as of June 2008 turned out to be nothing more than a political manual by a Russian supervillain named Beria entitled "Brainwashing - A Synthesis Of The Russian Textbook Of Psychopolitics." In it, Beria puts forth a plan to exploit the trust people have in the psychs by turning every one in the land into a secret or unknowing disseminator of communist propaganda.

This "Secret Knowledge" was translated and freely released to the public in New York circa 1944, but seeing as how it basically confirms everything Scilons are told every day about psychiatrists, they've grabbed it with both hands. In the meantime, you can click here to has hatting manual.

Freezoners

Scientologists who operate outside the CSI and beyond the Orgs. They are daring masterless ninjas and adventurers who roam the planet saving villages in distress from gangs of mutant bikers and stopping orphanages from being closed down by unscrupulous property barons. They are Anon's friend.

I HELP

International Hubbard Ecclesiastical League of Pastors. Needless to say, they don't.

IRL CP Raid

In Real Life Cosplay Raid. DO NOT get your terms mixed up and turn up with real life CP.

Lock

When one is troubled by an Engram but is unaware it is happening, it is said to be "Locked." In order to break the locks, go to the Court Record, present the Magatama and then present evidence that the Scientologist is a loony.

Marcab Confederacy

The IRS with Star Destroyers.

Mest

Matter, energy, space and time, the areas in which all phenomena are classified. People who get to OT8 are usually seriously mest.

Pan-determined

Another word for the Newspeak term "DoubleThink". To be able to see both sides of an argument to better understand it. Scientologists preach pan-determinism as tech, but are hilariously unable to pull it off without their heads exploding. The sad thing is that if they even were capable of understanding a rival point of view, they'd have to go for Sec-Check hell to get all of the bad out of their heads.

RD

Short for Russel Davis, fat gay writer of Doctor Who And The Scilons and the pilot episode of the doomed spin-off show I See Xenu Too, Doctor Who!

Rehab

What they tried to make Rorschach go to, but he said no, no, no.

Time Tracks

A really SHITTY shoot-em-up for the ZX Spectrum.

TR

Team Rocket. Dress in light blue uniforms and recite bizarre mantras about saving the world and space energy with a curious, uncomfortable stiffness. Definitely inspiring material for Scilon kids. On a side note, they may try to steal your Pokemon.

WISE

World Institute of Scientology Enterprises. Needless to say, it isn't.

KSW

Keep Scientology Working. The only idea that has been proven completely impossible by scientists. Many scientologists have dedicated their lives to finding the one true method by which Scientology can be made to work. A famous attempt by Tom Cruise in June 2008 involved him trying to create a portal to another dimension where he believed Scientology would not only be accepted, but welcomed with open arms. The process Mr. Cruise used in order to reach this fabled dimension had him giving oral sex to several young Scientologist boys which was meant to 'release the thetans from the young boys, allowing the space-time continuum to become warped', his words. The ritual then had Mr. Cruise launched into a brick wall out of a giant cannon from a distance of 400 feet. The impact of such an amount of insanity and BoyJizz(tm) left a crater the size of New York in the middle of Nevada where the ritual took place. Needless to say, the ritual failed intensely. Mr. Cruise is now taking time off from his busy brainwashing schedule to recalculate the ritual. He has so far come up with: "Need more boys."

Glossary of Scientology is part of a series on Scientology

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LOL TECH: Dianetics • Disconnection • Child abuse • Saint Hill • Scientology's History of the Universe • Sec Check • Freewinds • Sea Org • Glossary • Religious Freedom Watch • Volunteer Ministers • OSA • Space Opera SCILONS: L. Ron Hubbard • David Miscarriage • Tom Cruise • Scientology Agents • Tommy Davis • Rogues Gallery • Suri Cruise • Terryeo • Heaven's Gate • The Regime • Evil Jacket Guy • Joe Feshbach • VaLLarrr • Tom Newton • John Carmichael • Freezone • Captain Bill Robertson • Danny Masterson • Will Smith • Oschaper • Kendrick Moxon • Tim Armer • Jorge Serrano • Ron Savelo • John Travolta • Jett Travolta NOTORIOUS SPs: Anonymous • Wise Beard Man • Jason Beghe • Gas Mask Girl • Magoo • New Zealand Fail Guy • Message from Scientology • Shawn Lonsdale • Rorschach • Moralfags • Leaderfags • Raidfag Wench • James Packer • Leah Remini • Epic Nose Guy • Stu Wyatt • Tommy Gorman • The Unknown Autobot • Psychiatrists • Marcab Confederacy • David Wu-Kapauw • Epic Sword Guy • Agent Pubeit ENTURBULULZ: PROJECT CHANOLOGY • Why We Protest Forums • A Scientologist's Guide to 4chan • The Geterator • Neil Gaiman's Sandman • Paul "Fetch" Carnes • ReligionIsFree.org • You Found the Card • /i/ • alt.religion.scientology • Complete binge of LEAKED SCILON DOX • 888chan (/td/)

Featured article June 14, 2008
Preceded by Adam Savage	Glossary of Scientology	Succeeded by OPERATION SEA ARRRGH