Viennese vernacular

Overview

Viennese German, or Wienerisch, is the language of the indigenous Viennese tribes living in the slums of Vienna, the capital of Austria. Wienerisch is not a dialect, as Jimbo Wales claims. Viennese is not universally used or even understood by all Viennese natives. Most native Viennese city-dwellers call their own language "German", not "Viennese", for reasons that will become clear in a few moments. Professional linguists call Wienerisch "indigenous Viennese", or a "sociolect", which in turn is linguistese for "stigma". The TOW-article on the subject is highly misleading and inaccurate, by the way. There is no evidence that it has been written by a professional linguist. (Yet more proof that TOW sucks the snow off of Fuji-san.)

The sociolect has largely evolved among aboriginal Viennese peoples who constitute the lower drinking classes of the city. Before the invention of immigration and welfare, typical trades of the folks included carnies, small-time criminals, prostitutes, soccer hooligans, construction workers, innkeepers, trashmen, cab drivers and police. In recent decades, those vocations have largely been taken over by foreign ethnic niggers like turks, arabs, romanians and africans -- except for police, of course, who hate those life-forms dearly. (Negroes hanging or impaling themselves in police custody are the norm, not the exception, in Austria.)

Legal status

It is not grammatical in indigenous Viennese to endorse or approve of anything or anyone. For this reason, utterances in the argot are exempt from Austrian libel-, verbal abuse-, and hater-laws, as well as laws on "Re-engagement in Hitler Activities" (wiederbetätigung, i.e. "being at it again"). It would be impractical to lock up all the offenders several times a day, every day. Public death threats or threats of mutilation, castration, torture or putting out a bounty on someone are only legal in Austria when expressed in indigenous Viennese.

Lawyers, judges and lawmakers consider idiomatic conversation points like

• "I'll tear you apart from the buttocks"
• "I rip off your penis and stick it up your anus"
• "I'll make contact lenses from your glasses"
• "I'll kick your slash until you've bled dry"
• "I stuff you back in and abort you"
• "You will puke your teeth"
• "I slash and I shoot and I know where you live"

as mere courting, bragging or improv, depending on context and sexualities involved. Inofficially, the lawyers, judges and lawmakers hope for the announcements to materialize, and often they do. Typical circumstances: family drama, cop-assisted suicide, rape, someone running amuck with the caterpillar.

Typical ethnic conflict among Viennese tribalists

Linguistic features

The natural habitat of the sociolect is the wirtshaus (alehouse) or baustön (construction site) where native speakers hone their linguistic performance and competence on topics like soccer, female obesity, Austro-African citizens, homosexuality, immigration issues, bizarre forms of sexual harrassment, mail-order-wives and world jewry. By tradition, the experience is augmented with beer, wine and slivovitz -- in that order.

Viennese aboriginal language has no concept of or a lexicon for racism, sexism, homophobia or hatred against ethnic groups or minorites. All peoples and all people, including one's own relatives, spouses, parents and offspring are equally despised, frowned upon and subject to corporal punishment, death threats, domestic violence and verbal abuse.

Viennese Code-Talkers

Truthfact: In WWII, Adolf Hitler (born and bred Austrian, but not a Viennese) tried to employ autochthone speakers from the city as radiomen for military communication and control. The idea was that the obscure "language" would make interception and recording by allied forces pointless, as well as infiltration by smart people impossible. Instead, the good Führer ended up lording it over an electronic yelling/cussing/insult/shitstorm/ALLCAPS encounter group of continental proportions. The failure epically violated Nazi FCC regulations, so Hitler gave up on the idea and delivered the worthless mob of "code talkers" to Third Reich penal institutions for cremation.

Table: Most frequent Viennese words and their meaning

gusch	shut up!
gschissena	male who was not born but shat, i.e. confused exits
schleichn	get out of here! Also expression of disbelief/surprise
auntritscht	crazy, cheerful, smiling, eccentric, good-natured, mentally unstable, dubious, untrustworthy, friendly
oasch	ass, anus, bad person; as an adjective: bad, strenous, doubleplusungood, awkward, impractical; also used as a particle like "uh", "uhm" in English
fian oasch	for nothing, ineffective
in oasch	down the tubes, failing, broken, bankrupt, anal, sodomy, (going) to hell, cul-de-sac
am oasch	outside the city, quite a commute, being lost
oida	(one's own) homey, friend, old man, idiot, husband, father, male stranger
oide	woman, old woman, wife, spouse, mother, female stranger
veh	sucker, mark, rube, someone doing a favor or good deed, e.g. feeding the homeless or his own children
havara	friend, follower, apostle, dupe
butzfetzn	cleaning rag, cleaning lady, wife
fut	umbrella term for vagina, mistress, female sex-slave, mail-order wife (in polite company, i.e. the rest of Austrian society, even admitting knowing the word will get you fired, banhammered, or cut out of someone's will immediately)
zwickfut	aggressive/upperclass female, vagina dentata, woman with airs, ex-wife
A-fut	("grade-A pussy") remarkably attractive female (slender, young, with front teeth)
huah	prostitute, skank, nubile stranger
coma-saufm	to binge-drink
kongonega	African immigrant, black person, congolese male
bimbo	ditto, but with somewhat lighter skin; includes mulattos (both sexes; no modern relation to the English word)
mual	ditto, but with fuzzy-wuzzy hair and bone-jewelry through nose
kannibale	black male of intimidating stature and strength, Afro-Austrian bouncer
bimbofut	negress, usually owned by a pimp
floschn	bitch-slap for a male
fotzn	bitch-slap for a female (insult for men)
dschinön	bitch-slap for offspring
detschn	bitch-slap for starting a fist-fight
vakeerde	backhand bitch-slap
vatschn	generic one-size-fits-all unisex-bitch-slap (insult for friends and family)
hearichtn	to renovate; to embellish; to upgrade; to train dogs, prostitutes, mail-order wives or offspring for sexual proficiency
graxn	car, motorcycle, machine, dysfunctional or mysterious mechanical contraption, wreck, clunker
friedhof	home for the elderly, hospice, cemetary
kywera	policeman
he	flock of policemen, police
ochta	handcuffs, the numeral "8" (often the only figure an autochthonous speaker can read)
schmoiz	lard, sentence of detention
viaschtl	male baby, turd, sausage, teetotaler, do-gooder, vegetarian, peacenik, omega-male
schmäh	joke, fibs, wit, trick, shortcut, scam, excuse, manoeuvre
graummö	fried pork rind, elderly female, low-end prostitute
aidskronk	ill with AIDS, corroded, contagious, rusty, stained, disgusting, revulsive, tainted, foul, rotten
zeck	tick, communist, parasite, immigrant, offspring, homeless or disabled person
woama	homosexual male, poor soccer- or foosball-player; includes athletes on TV
lesberl	homosexual female (only as diminutive; "-erl" means "little...")
fe	fairy, old woman, old female toll collector at public restroom
schneebrunza	immature male (a male who merrily draws figures in the snow while tinkling; no female form exists -- professional linguists have yet to figure out why this is so)
beidl	penis, chisel (mainly used by men)
waschl	penis, sponge (mainly used by women)
schuasdan	to copulate
gratis schuasdan	to copulate recreationally, with no fund transfer involved; females often use the term synonymously for "rape" or "marriage"
brodesn	prothesis, dentures, dildo, fire-arms
onanian	to masturbate, to make a plan, to discuss, to think, to lecture, to study, to do something carefully

Common indigenous insults

mongo	trisomy 21 patient
tschusch	immigrant from the balkans
roistuifohra	male in a wheelchair
fetznschädl	raghead
grosskopfata	boss, executive, politician, literate person, someone with airs, someone not speaking aboriginal Viennese, "big head"

Outlook: Just a little more patience, please

The levelling effect of radio and television on German language in general has reduced the number of pure speakers. Competition from immigrants and various ethnic mafias in core activities (construction work, crime, prostitution, cab driving) are taking a toll on the number of aboriginal lifestyles, who increasingly focus on less lucrative vocations like flunking exams, leeching welfare, alcoholism and black pedagogy. Indigenous Viennese is expected to vanish within the next few generations, as municipal education officials gleefully take credit for at every opportunity.

Notable speakers

are you kidding

In art and media

The corpus is small, because nobody likes speakers of Wienerisch, but there you go with a brief list of some of the more popular exhibits.

Mundl

This TV show by Austrian cubists was too depressing for dark comedy, too offensive for prime time, too pussy-footing for being realistic and too amateurishly photographed for Cannes. There were petitions to ban it, because the show hit a little too close to home. Today, on the internets, "Mundl" is bigger than ever, providing outrage for parents and teachers alike. Most famous quote:

Wife: ... you and your stupid beer ...

Mundl: MY BEER AIN'T STUPID!

Maria Fekter explains how the Austrian economy works

This improv actress used to be minister of finance of Austria. Maria Fekter is not an aboriginal Viennese, but she has learned her diphthongs and plosives amazingly well -- to mysterious, perhaps evil, ends. Ms Fekter has been included in this list as an honorary specimen, because her face makes the lady really look the part.

Fast-forward to 0:52 for best effect.

Viennese aboriginals accept Fekter as one of their own, as indicated by comments like de oide mocht eam kaaner schdreidich ("Her hubby is not in danger of being cuckolded") and vo dem xicht san scho bonobo-offm impotent wurn ("that face has made some bonobos impotent").

Waunst amoi no so haamkummst

These poseurs are obviously faking it, but they nevertheless give good impression of modern Viennese aboriginals.