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Vampire

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"Bite me" has never sounded so appropriate.
Vampires are often found to be bisexual however the majority are simply outright faggots.

Vampires, like Dragons, used to be badass but have been raped in the ass so many times by furfags, Otherkin, and story writers that they are no longer recognizable as the mountains of awesome that they once were.

In Storytown Village, vampires are lithe, seductive, hypnotic creatures of the night who revel in bacchanalian pleasure-seeking and live wild and erotic unlives, who actually used to be cool. In Reality: clumsy, fat, socially inept, sartorially blinded fuck-ups that are so pathetic even the goths won't hang out with them anymore, who were never cool. Vampires are social rejects bent on acquiring AIDS from licking the blood off their 'victims' fingers in an odd, retarded expression of a fetish (which they claim isn't a fetish).

They try their best to mimic their mythological counter-parts; whether by slathering themselves in white make-up, wearing fake-fangs to "feel their Inner Predator" or by actually drinking blood, depending on the level of retardedness of the individual. Either way, they are a great source of epic lulz as their general lack of social skills lend them to be rather oblivious and egotistical.

Put simply, vampires are emo kids who have the gay gene turned up to 11. Aside from furries and otherkin, 'vampires' are probably the easiest group of societal ejaculate to troll.

Vampire Novels/Films/TV Shows

Vampires were once cool, and got to have books written about them which covered meaningful philosophical topics and weren't written by sexually confused women. Today, there are no good vampire novels. The only half-good vampires novel written in the past 75 years have both been written by men - McLendon's Syndrome, and Let the Right One In. The only thing worse than modern vampire stories written by women is vampire stories written by gay men.

All modern vampire stories are written by hacks as transparent sexual fantasies. All 'good' vampires, even ones from ancient European countries, are inexplicably liberal, and usually vote Democrat. Even if they don't live in America. Which totally makes sense if you're a fucktard liberal hipster with no conservative friends and an inflated sense of self-importance combined with no grasp of history.

Why People End Up Pretending

Typical Strigoi buttfucking a 12-year-old-girl

"Real" vampires usually start out as complete social failures that, having somehow missed all of the usual no-ego support groups like heavy metal fandom and comic book reading, end up scrabbling around in the absolute pits of subculture hell for the first group that will accept them.

Lacking confidence in themselves but too wrapped up in teenage pseudo-nihilism (which, oddly enough, can last well into their forties) to seriously consider religion, these losers gravitate toward other emotional crutches that can promise them uniqueness and a purpose in life. Basically, these losers are pretending to be vampires, so they can feel special. (In reality, they are actually retarded jerk-offs.) Vampirism promises these outcasts a reason for never quite fitting in, by giving them unfuckwithable occult powers, so their bullies from high school will totally regret having treated them like shit. And, unlike the otherkin, the mythical creatures that they're psychotically pretending to be are human-shaped and sexy, full of hot alluring glamor that is so darque that nobody can actually see it.

There follows a minimum of five years of flouncing around in ridiculous clothing (bought at Hot Topic), buying stupid pewter accessories and filling their bedrooms with white lace and imitation silver candelabras until one has become fully vampirique! There is an increased risk of taking up magic during this time. Many "vampires" change their names to things like "Raven Darkemoon," "Matthius BlackThorne," and "Lord Noctem Aeternus", because apparently vampires are not allowed to be called Stephanie, or Brad. Really, who could ever truly be afraid of the dark vampire Brad? Similarly, no one is afraid of someone named Matthius Blackthorne. (More like Fagius BackWhored, amirite?)

Typical hobbies include writing crappy poetry about crimson roses and wolves, listening to dreadful music, hanging around in graveyards, eating chips and crying.

A notion which many of these individuals contract is the belief that they are not really humans, but instead some sort of superior being. They use this reasoning to justify their consumption of human blood, thinking of themselves as predators and everyone else as prey. They tend to view "mundanes" (normal sane people) as either merely food, or nigras. So if you see a vampire coming, get to the back of the bus ridicule them as they walk past you on the way to the back of the bus, pelting them with Twinkies as they go write poetry and Twilight fanfictions, tears welling up in their eyes.

Most "vampires" eventually grow out of it and become standard goths, but the hardcore continue on into their mid-forties. No vampires older than this have ever been seen. Have they truly stopped aging, to spend eternity at the nubile young age of thirty-nine?! Or do they just kill themselves once they hit their mid-life crisis and see how they've pissed away the one chance at youth they were ever going to get? Obviously the latter.

Terminology

Silently and discretely, nosferatu and his attractive friends walk among us mortals.

  • Awakening occurs when feeling particularly butthurt after not getting a date for the prom, or maybe having your ass handed to you by the football team and deciding to put on your sister's makeup and hiss at strangers.
  • House is a show on Fox. Also another word for an individual cult.
  • Vampire Hunter is every basement dweller's worst fear: someone who hunts real vampyres!!1!11 They will usually work themselves into a paranoid frenzy over speculation of whether hunters actually exist.
  • Posers and Losers is an all encompassing terms for the vampire community.
  • Vampire, a douche
  • Vampyre, pretentious douche
  • Whampyyre, a cunt
  • Donor or Black Swan is someone who the vampire stalks, rapes and steals blood from.
  • Blood meth, crack, cocaine, etc
  • Prana, Chi, Energy, Cum, Your life force which they suck out to make you one of them.
  • Mundane, a sane person
  • Cattle or Food, The cock that they crave.
  • Sire is one who has converted someone to vampirism, because using twelfth-century terminology and spelling makes everything real. (See also: Magick)
  • Strigoi is the typical Romanian middle-aged faggoth who pretends to be a vampire to get laid by high-school rejects. All these douches have to do is google up a couple of phrases in Romanian, put on a black trench coat and they're set. Vlad Strigoii is the name of a song by Ostrogoth, the most homoerotic gothic band out there, and a bunch of authentic vampires out there have adopted the alias, thinking it to be the REAL name of the REAL Dracula. Strigoii (noun 'Strigoi' with definitive article 'i', both forms can be used in singular and in plural) is supposed to be the conglomerate of all Romanian vampires and their descendants. Whilst real sane Romanians don't give a shit about Strigoi, view them as the equivalent of ghosts, not vampires, angsty American faggoths masturbate daily to the idea of feeding them.
  • Vampire Council is the goth equivalents of David Koresh, but with herpes. Meetings are held at Denny's at 2 in the morning while drinking "only coffee, black" and making long angry stares at the wait staff.
  • Vampire Elder is one who has reached the age of thirty-seven and still not grown out of it. Said people are never, ever employed and try to convince their impressionable fifteen-year-old "initiates" that sex with them would create a higher spiritual bond and advance their dark powers.
  • OVC Online Vampire Community
  • Menstrual fluid, Delicious.
  • Sanguinarius. A Semenarius who is doing it wrong.

Types

Don Henrie; doing it wrong since last Thursday

Regardless of type, vampires generally tend to regard themselves as above "normal humans". Keep this in mind when dealing with them, as they think that you are merely a mortal monkey and that they are your god. Side note: It is safe to qualify each different type into a larger encompassing specie, known as FAGGOT

  • Psychic vampires are too wussy to actually drink blood, they insist that they're still vampires because they suck the souls out of people. This has the advantage of allowing them to participate in a fuck-up culture without the associated risks of infection, or doing something really gross. Also allows them to dodge unpleasant questions like So how come I can still see your reflection in a mirror? or We're driving over a bridge. I thought you vampires couldn't cross running water? The claim that they drain the psychic energy of anyone around them by some mystic process is also a convenient way to explain to themselves why they are rejected socially, rather than accepting that their social skills need work and putting in the effort to change for the better, like a pinnacle of society!!

For more important vampire information: [1]

New World Order

The Leaders of this community are generally self-proclaimed and are usually the most out-there and sick people in the community. It's sick fucks leading the blind.

Last Thursday, some discussions held on VampireRave between mighty bludz-sucking Elders of "the community" surfaced. lulz were had:

   
“ 		 
"Ave, Greetings my brothers and sisters.

I have been speaking with Stephen Omallie, Rev. Vicutus, Sir Shaolin Macphee and Maven Lore. We have been reaching out to other members of the community. About how we as a community can come up with a code of conduct we can all agree upon, and ways to enforce them, so we need your thoughts on it. We have been discussing making a of list of legitimate house holds and covens, and guidelines for each house hold to uphold to get on the list and to remain on the list. Now hear us out, we are trying to find a way to better our community and protect it from those whom would do it harm. We have all seen at some point or another were some yahoo who plays the masquerade who takes it too far and end up on the news making us look bad. We all have a council or something like it in our states and each one has a Keeper of the Veil ( Sheriff ) what is the point in having one and Mradu if they don’t do anything? I know this works because here in my Halo Septem Civis ( VA ) we enforce the laws we live by and have been doing so for over a year now. We are looking for way to better our community and keep it safe, we would love to hear your thoughts on what we are trying to do.

Ryu Noctem Aeternus. Childe of Lord Father Vincent Orion and Mother Lady Saige Orion of the original Clan Sabreooth. Founder of the House of Noctem Aeternus, Keeper of the Veil and Co-Founder of the court of the Order of the Vampyre and the Halo of Septem Civis."
 

„
  		 

   
“ 		 
This was met by much enthusiasm by the vampyre crowd:


I like the idea. It would be nice to know when crossing or settling in another's halo or territory. Perhaps include a short "rundown" on customs and traditions for each halo so as to allow for diplomacy-host or gratitude gifts or even just a short introduction visit so on some level our faces are familiar to one another. I have noticed little things can become a big problem of misunderstandings.

I am not so sure the "lists" should be made "public" though. I think they should be inner circle stuff and a need to know thing perhaps. Seekers will ask and they can be pointed to a person who acts as an ombudsman does during military deployments. Sort of a PR guy.

I am sure all houses have their own customs or traditions to show respect and gratitude in a formal manner. It would be embarrassing to take wine to a house that does not imbibe, smoked salmon to a house that is vegetarian, and the same for presenting flowers at a home where an asthmatic resides etc. It would get things off on a wrong foot.
 

„
  		 

   
“ 		 
As apposed to everyone having their own codes. Id rather live in in big society who is like minded instead of a million little societies where each individual believes in their own vampiric laws. In order for communities to thrive, there must be a system to follow. Otherwise why do we call it a community?

Also, nothing was said about Leading, or following any one leaders reign over an entire community. There is no destination any one person is trying to lead any followers to. Only some sort of system that can be seen as a vampiric community code of conduct only. Not something that the entire world and every living being within it could follow if they so chose. The Vampiric Community is not the Human community, some are looking for something to separate the two. I'm not trying to turn this into a race battle, but if I can have my life with certain things I look at as something I can follow separate from the man/woman next to me and be just fine, Why cant the Vampiric Community have something that allows us to have a community separate from the mundane? Something that can be call our own. Again, yes, this is what the Black Veil was for, but it doesn't distinguish who its meant to be followed by. Someone in a Communist community wont try to live a life of an American in their own community because they don't have the same guidelines. (leaving what would happen to them if they did, off to the side) Therefore some have purposed the idea of creating something that only the true vampyre is able to follow, something that is impossible for one that is not a true vamp to follow.
 

„
  		 

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... Has no one told these freaks that TrueBlood isn't real?

Law

Normal sanguinarian conversation.

Many vampires have learned to keep their mouth shut about their psychosis, especially if they have children. Fortunately, there are some who just don't, and they are exposed for the disease riddled psychopaths that they are.

Having your brood taken away is a commonplace thing for people in the vampire community. The likeliness is increased with every post made to a web forum, every book published and every National Geographic special one appears in.

Crimes

While most of the sick fucks like to claim that Vampirism is a non-violent subculture, one has to question how non-violent people really are when they claim to desire slashing people open and drinking from their wounds.

Here are some notable crimes caused by people claiming vampirism and/or affiliation with the subculture:

  • Alan Menzies claimed that Akasha was going to give him immortality if he killed his best friend.
  • Scott Bower and friends drank each others blood and harassed a vicar.
  • The late Shane Chartres-Abbott raped a woman, drank her blood and bit her tongue off. Thankfully he was offed by a nigra.
  • Manuela Ruda and her hubbie Daniel murdered an old guy and drank his blood. Kinky Germans.

Invading the Mainstream

Google cache nevar forgets.

Whether by appearences on Tyra Banks or through interviews with ABC News and The Washington Post, vampires are trying to get a foot hold in modern culture. Since by vampire I really mean schizophrenic 16 year old girls, this will likely lead to lulz and internet drama instead of blood sucking and hot vampire sex.

Don Henrie has declaired himself the leader of forcing the vampire subculture into the mainstream. He has appeared on many daytime talkshows to be ridiculed by their hosts and many documentaries that air on halloween to reinforce the stereotype that people who drink blood are escaped mental patients with poor wardrobe choices.

He is also claiming to be spearheading a poorly thought out reality tv show for MTV based on the vampire community.

An episode of South Park that aired on November 19th totally raped the vampire community in the ass by stating the truth that all self-proclaimed vampires are just moronic wannabe goths who need to grow the hell up. Some "vampires" are trying to laugh it off. Douchebags like Michelle Belanger didn't understand that the show creators were being serious when the characters said that people who pretend to be vampires are retarded. Some are trying to find an alternative explanation to the episode, trying to prove that the show creators are really on their side or are somehow awestruck by vampires.

A Question that has Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries

What is a man?

Community

It's not just blood they suck.

The vampire community is a group of like minded individuals who believe that they are vampires. I bet you didn't see that one coming.

It is theorized that they have been in existence for at least 100 years and started as an off-shoot of the Goth subculture. While the vampire community originally focused on simply making themselves look like romantic representations of child-eating zombies, things quickly shifted and got taken to a level of lulz that is typical of alienated teens and occult practitioners.

The community is considered "secret" by its members that haven't seen CSI, watched National Geographic or The Discovery Channel at Halloween or heard of Michelle Belanger and Don Henrie.

Psi-vamps: Serious fucking business

 
“ 		 
As you may know, there are several Vampire Games running on forums. Many of these games are just good fun. People get to act out playing a creature of the night, and good times are had by all. Unfortunately, it has come to our attention that some of these games are a bit more than they seem. It turns out that some of the Game Masters are real psi-vamps. All a 'psi-'vamp' is, is someone that can manipulate emotional surges in people. Similar to Empaths, they get the energy 'high' when they bring someone's emotions to an extreme. But psi-vamps then drain their victim of their emotional energy. ... And to be fair, it’s very likely that most of these psi-vamps don’t even realize that they are psi-vamps. ... But we have observed that there are a few of these GMs that know they are psi-vamps. They are deliberately feeding upon their players. They invite them into ‘families’ for the sole purpose of harming them. They build up their player’s emotions to great extremes, just to feed on them. Leaving these players tired and weak afterward.
  		„
 

—[4] Psi-vamps: Serious fucking business

Medical Testing

The cure for vampirism.

Though doctors and medical professionals are aware of these haematophiliacs and self-proclaimed psychic vampires, few studies have been conducted on the subject. This has resulted in the phenomena being brushed aside and being dubbed ludicrous.

This is because those supposedly afflicted with this faggotry know that they are batshit insane. They know that there is no doctor worth their degree that won't see past their bullshit, so of course they don't submit themselves for analysis. Most claim that their reasons are because of concern for their privacy, but this is obviously a lie as most of the people claiming to be approached are making their lively-hood off of duping people by regaling them with fanciful stories about their condition.

Those that have submitted to physical testing, such as Don Henrie, have only proven to the world that the culture and individuals involved are fake and only playing a part to cope with the desolate waste land that is their lives. Also on an unlulzy note, vampires are technically real. There is a disease called Porphyria where the symptoms are pale skin, receding gum line, overstimulation of hair follicles (werewolves), and a need for regular blood transfusions due to the disease affecting red blood cells. The whole garlic thing is that chemicals in garlic make the symptoms worse.

The Psychiatric Phenomena

Psychologists are becoming more and more aware of vampirism (also dubbed "Renfield's Syndrome"[5][6]) thanks in part to the flamboyant and self-righteous display these people make of themselves.

If Renfield's syndrome is mentioned in their presence, most vampires like to counter-troll by insisting that since it isn't in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it is not a real condition, thus they aren't crazy. In the same breath they will tell you that they refuse to admit their behavior to any medical professional because they know they will be locked up. They will turn that around into them being persecuted by the hyoomans.

The above is, of course, all just public relations. Among their own kind, most vampires will freely admit to having more mental illnesses than Twilight has retarded fangirls.

Vampire attention whore.

Sess has been doing too much acid again.

Vampires? In my real life? Its more likely than you think.

Vampires and Asspies.

Yet another blood-sucking weirdo.

That's what you get for letting a stranger tie you up during sex.

Lilith is a hermaphroditic sang/psy hybrid.

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Pranks/lulz

They just did it for the lulz

Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • wtf?
    wtf?
  • Faggotry is common among vampires.
    Faggotry is common among vampires.
  • Don't you wish. Keep looking, fangirls. By the way, this actor makes out with a guy in an episode of Torchwood.
    Don't you wish. Keep looking, fangirls. By the way, this actor makes out with a guy in an episode of Torchwood.
  • Vampires are sexytime
    Vampires are sexytime

See Also

What sanguine vamupirosu bring to school lunch. Of course, a bully will force them to exchange it with their wangs.

"Famous" Vampires:

Other:

As if That Wasn't Enough: External Links

A vampire, charred black from sun exposure.
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Vampire is part of a series on Cults
UFO Cults: Scientology • Galactic Federation of Light • Heaven's Gate • Raelians • Nibiru
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Wannabe Cults: Sephyism • Sonic CulT • Vampires • Goths • Furries • Mulderite • Wooks • Bronies • Libertarians • Feminism
Stupid Cults: Scientology • Atheism • Social Justice • Breatharian • Michelle Belanger/House Kheperu • Sonic Passion • Highgate Vampire, the • The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch
Troll Cults: Anonymous • Cult of the Dead Cow • Raptor Jesus • John Solomon • Church of the SubGenius • Discordianism
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