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CSI

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Not to be confused with CSIII

CSI: Cum Stain Investigation, cummonly known as CSI, is an American cum stain television show that debuted in the semen 2000 on CBS, the Cum Bitch Semen network. The semen was originally created by Tony Zuiker and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer via a blowjob. Today the semen is mostly made in Semen City California at Universal Semen, a subsemen of Cumcast. The show is formerly known as CSI: Crime Semen Investigation and CSI: Cum/Semen Investigation.

The semen follows a group of ragtag cum stain investigators working in Las Semen as they use semen to solve crimes. Its graphic and informative discussion of semen has spawned several other semen shows. The semen mixes crime-solving, dirty filthy semen, blacklights to highlight the semen, and semen-driven ratings. Audiences responded ejaculatorily, begging for more. This seminal show inspired the Cum Bitch Semen network to order more semen to come on its heels, featuring semen in Miami that lasted for 10 semens, and featuring semen in New York which stayed on the wall for 9 semens. In 2014 the Cum Bitch Semen network announced they were going to wank off another semen called CSI: Cyber, inside Virginia (hue hue hue). CSI: Cyber refers to an oldfag term for the production of semen, and not to the Internets at large, although Chatroulette will come into play quite often.

This semen-winning semen is the most popular semen worldwide. Over 9000 billion people have seen this semen. The semen was the most watched semen ever for five semens in a row in 2012. CSI: Cum Stain Investigation has been nominated at least 100 times for sperm awards, winning cum of them. This semen also inspired the creation of semen books, a semen museum, and semen vidya. There have been over 300 sperms of this semen.

CSI: Cum Stain Investigation has aired 15 sperms. It is tied up in second for longest runny semen which airs at raeptime in the US, beating off only Law and Order: Semen Victims Unit. It is the seventh longest runny semen raeptime TV semen overall.

SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN SEMEN

Editor's note: After 15 seasons the show finally ran out of semen and thus was cancelled.

Crime-solving procedure

The investigators on the show use the scientific method to solve crimes. Their method follows several tried-and-true steps:

  • Was there semen?
  • Have we found any semen yet?
  • Why haven't you found any semen yet?
  • Keep looking for semen.
  • There must be some semen here somewhere.
  • There's no semen over there, I already checked.
  • Is their evidence they tried to clean up the semen?
  • Where is the semen?
  • Why can't we find any semen?
  • Did you find semen?
  • Not yet.
  • Keep looking for the semen.
  • Good news. They found semen.
  • How much semen was there?
  • How old was the semen?
  • Where did the semen come from?
  • Was there semen from more than person?
  • How many different kinds of semen was there?
  • We need a DNA sample from him to compare it to the semen we found.
  • This semen doesn't match.
  • We may be looking for two guys.
  • We need a DNA sample from him to compare it to the semen we found.
  • The semen is a match.
  • Have we apprehended the guy yet?
  • No, we found more semen. He's still out there, mocking us.
  • ???
  • Now that we have you in custody you sick fuck, tell us how much you enjoyed getting your semen everywhere.
  • You're gonna go away for a long time, buddy.
  • Yiff in hell motherfucker.
  • Good work everybody.
  • YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Who who, who who

CSI (for Crime Scene Investigation) is a TV show that comes in four flavors, all of them cheese; CSI (set in Vegas), CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, and CSI: Cyber. Contrary to popular belief, all of the four shows are made of pwn and lulz, the exception being CSI: New York, which is devoid of anything that could even be considered 'acting', drama or lulz despite the presence of Lieutenant Dan.

Highlights include watching David "Horatio (INAM) Caine" Caruso keep putting his sunglasses back on (while he's never been seen removing them) and relentless torrents of unfunny 'zingers' that are so horribly FAIL they actually WIN (see Rules of the Internet).

However, it is the original CSI (Vegas) that delivers the most, having shone the spotlight on such abhorrent human perversions such as furries, infantilism, vampires and Nazi-style experiments involving lobotomizing homeless people.

   
“ 		 
Who the hell knows what goes on in a furpile?
  		„
  		 

—Catherine Willows

In essence though, they are 'procedural dramas' where wannabe cops catch sloppy criminals through the likes of DNA from cum stains and skin cells then make them confess with highly dramatic dialogue under dim lighting while Horatio completes all the tough sleuthing work by looking through his eyebrows at people and speaking really quietly so his voice sounds deep.

CSI: Cyber

CSI: Cyber - Dark Web Edition (formerly known as CSI: Cyberspace and CSI: H4CK3RZ 0N ST3R01DZ), is a fictionalized attempt to demonize Anonymous and Tor, and an attempt to make CSI cool to millenials rather than desensitized baby boomers. Every week the "crime scene" is the Internets itself, and the time of death is always Eternal September. Within the CSI franchise, CSI: Cyber is notable for its relative lack of semen.

On the show, 0day xPl01tZ to send f1r3Z over the 1nT3rN3t via pR1nt3rZ are sold on the deep web by mega H4XX0rz. And there's also Buttcoin or some shit. Since Zero Cool already appears on another CBS show as a lockpicking crime-hacker (with a guest appearance by The Plague), CSI: Cyber stars a bunch of aging celebrities as 1337 hackers, now including Sam Malone from Cheers. The show begins when that psychic blonde cunt who has a tranny brother was some n00b who "got hacked" and now she's some kind of avenger whose superpower is H4X TURN ON and preventing hackers from who gives a shit. Like most of the media (and CSI specifically), the show exists to irresponsibly provide lurid unsavory details (informative murder porn) all while pretending to condemn it. Seizing on the villain of scary hackers (the only politically correct villain left in an age of mandatory tolerance), the show addresses a "post-Snowden" era where even non-Russian hackers are out to cyber-rape you, and the NSA is there to keep you safe, or hack you, I forget. BAD HACKERS! BAD!

The writers of the show spend all their time reading ED and consulting with some Defcon Unixbeard to fill in technobabble to the "Tech the tech with the tech", the editors spend all their time making as many glitchy cuts as possible, and the audio editors add bleep bloop sound effects to make hacking sound futuristic like "cyberspace" was thought of in the 90s, instead of the click click of mechanical keyboards covered in Cheetos dust and pubic hair.

On the show, anyone who thinks that technology maybe isn't all positive (or that new iPhone models perhaps don't bring everlasting happiness like advertising would have you believe) is portrayed as Luddite terrorists who want to take away your right to make your offended voice heard in a sea of shit and watch cat videos until the Sun dies.

Horatio Caine:Now A Meme

Half man...half amusing.
Yes...you 'are' special!
Guest appearance of Christopher Walken. Non-canon, unfortunately.

My Eyes! The Glasses Do Nothing!

Abuser Of Sunglasses

Horatio Gallery

Horatio Gallery About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Notable Episodes

Fur & Loathing - The Furry Episode

One notorious episode featured a furry who had been drugged, shot, then run over by a truck, as well as explaining the definition of the word "yiff" to the viewers watching when the episode aired on October 30, 2003. Also, this particular episode makes it quite clear that groups of furries are always engaging in yiff orgies in the back of furry conventions. This resulted in thousands of furries across the internet ranting about this injustice and how the episode showed them in a bad way. Fortunately no furries complained about it in RL as they were too embarrassed to show themselves. Also, as a note of lulz and graet justice, the killer wasn't punished. BALEETED!!!!

Furrie in-furrie-ated by the inaccuracies of CSI.


The Second Life Episode

Previous Video | Next Video

CSI: NY knows technology

VB GUI Interface is now a meme.

Why CSI Sucks

MINE!! MY CASE!! I WANNA PULL THE SWITCH!!
  • The entire cast of CSI: New York
  • Needs moar DESU
  • Horatio Caine
  • It isn't House
  • Horatio fucking Caine
  • The forensic software used is far from believable; *beep* *boop* *bleep* 'MATCH FOUND!' is, one could posit, not representative of an actual computer interface.
  • The Amazing Magic Blue Flashlight. Just turn it on and you'll find hair, bullets, blood, semen and the a/s/l of the assassin. All in Visual Basic.
  • Jurisprudence? Fuck that shit, Pabst Blue Ribbon!
  • Horatio (TM) Caine
  • HORATIO Caine
  • Horatio....CAINE
  • YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Why CSI Is Awesome

  • Exposed Furries to the general public
  • The Who's opening Themes (WHO ARE YOU? YOU? YOU--AH?)
  • The Gore and Violence
  • Stupid people getting taken out in neat ways.
  • The thought of Mac from CSI:NY having Mel Gibson's kid locked away somwhere... like on a shrimp boat.
  • Laurence Fishburne
  • Laurence Fishburne's daughter (who now does porn; sauce.)
  • Horatio Caine
  • Horatio Caine's awesome one-liners.
  • Horatio Caine Sunglasses
  • Horatio Caine's awesome one-liners right before putting on his Sunglasses.
  • Horatio fucking Caine
  • YEEEAAAAAAHHH!!
  • Killing Justin Fucking Bieber

External links

CSI is part of a series on

Television

Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.

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