Israel Keyes

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This person is a sick fuck! They should never be trusted by anyone!

Possible side-effects will include at least one of these: HIV/AIDS Bestiality Cuckoldry

Israel Keyes was a badass Ted Bundy wannabe and sick fuck who got convicted for just about every crime you could think of. Although he only official managed 3 kills, it is likely he reached at least 11.

Although he planned to never get caught, unlike his predecessor, he eventually got V& after almost a dozen years. Despite always being a sick fuck, he cosplayed as a normal person to evade the party van, and was never suspected of anything, probably because he wasn’t a shitskin.

Before the Lulz

	“	I've known since I was 14 that there were things that I thought were normal and [okay] that no one else seemed to think were normal and okay. So that's when I just started being a loner. [...] People found out about some of the stuff I did. Like my parents, and parents of other kids who would hang out with me. They would find out about some of the stuff I did. And that's when I just started doing stuff by myself exclusively.	„

Keyes was born in 1978 to christfag parents in Mormon land, Utah. He grew up homeschool with no social life in some shitty forest in Washington state. His family got brainwashed into believing some crazy christian conspiracy theory from locals and ended up becoming Batshit insane White supremacists who didn’t even have birth certificates and idolized Timothy McVeigh.

Once other kids realized he was batshit insane, he became an antisocial douchebag who killed cats and broke into houses for fun. He stole weapons from neighbors which he should have used to go for the High score, but unfortunately never did this. Due to his parents being strict christfags, he wasn’t allowed to do anything against god as a child such as drink, have a life, or masturbate (unless he became a priest, of course) and had to sneak out to commit lulzy acts for Satan since it was against his parents beliefs.

Crimes

Keyes became truly devoted to satanic lulz around age 20, when he committed an assault on some bitch who was tubing but decided not to get the kill, later saying "I was too timid. I wasn't violent enough," he told investigators. "I made up my mind I was never going to let that happen again."He later joined the army, although he unfortunately never got the chance to kill sandniggers like McVeigh did. He got discharged after likely being molested by fellow comrades for 3 years. After this, he moved to Alaska for whatever reason, and started a construction company.

He started his lulzy spree around 2001 and didn’t get busted for 11 years, although he had hoped to never get caught but did. He burglarized About 20-30 homes across the US and robbed several banks as well. In Texas he burned down a house as a distraction then hit the bank half an hour later while all the police were gone. And yet despite all this, he somehow wasn’t a nigger or at least a spic. Well, if that were the case, he would have been far too stupid to escape getting v& for more than two days, so it makes sense.

Although some argue he got at least 11 kills, he only officially got 3 kills, worse than Kip Kinkel. He was confirmed to have killed an old couple in New York in 2011, and some moar noobz as well.

Samantha Koenig

On February 1, 2012 Keyes abducted random 18-year-old girl Samantha Koenig from a coffee booth and got some free pussy before killing her the next day. He then forgot about the entire thing and went to a cruise for two weeks. He could have stopped here, but instead when he got back he snapped a picture of her corpse next to some newspaper to make her look alive when she was actually already dead. He then sent the picture to her dad from her phone demanding ransom money (sounds like a jew move, amirite?). Unfortunately, after collecting his precious jewgold, he finally fucked up after withdrawing money from Koenig’s debit card but not realizing the feds could track the card’s location. He finally got V& in Texas, and his epic spree that somehow amassed only 3 kills was over.

After this, Keyes was sent back to the slammer and Alaska for moar assrape from Bubba. He tried to escape like Ted Bundy by using wood shavings to pick his cuffs by got tased like a bitch and told to sit the fuck back down. He would get redemption though after slitting his wrist with a concealed razor blade and also Hanging himself in his cell.

Graded Score

Graded Score
Kill count:	3/20 But might have been up to 11
Accuracy:	16/20 Planned murders well in advance, too bad it didn’t result in a decent fucking kill count
Style:	14/20 Not caught over a decade and lulzy suicide
Butthurt:	6/20 No one gave a fuck except for a few weird fangirls
Bonus:	5/20
Total Score: 44/100 (F)

See full ranking

Wanted Level:

S.W.A.T. Team

External Links

• Interview with Feds #1
• Interview with Feds #2
• Interview with Feds #3
• Interview with Feds #4
• Interview with Feds #5
• V& Footage
• TOW Coverage

See Also

• Ted Bundy - Who he tried to be an failed
• Serial Killers
• Psychopath
• An Hero
• Jeffrey Epstein

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