Peru

Good news from the sky

Hat- and poncho-mad

They are surprisingly tasty

another one is on its way

A path of destruction

Meteor-prone region

Peru is a country in South America, wedged tightly between Mexico and Brazil. It is a nation inhabited mostly by cruel Spaniard Conquistadores and native indigenous Indian people who are crazy for any kind of hat or poncho, and who consider the "guinea pig," which they call the "cuy," to be a delicious meal. They wash down the cuy with "Inka Kola," the world's sweetest soda pop, a remnant from their days as the mighty Inka warriors of centuries ago. The natives of Peru also invented cocaine, bestowing upon the world the gift of this wonderful hay fever remedy.

Space disease

In September, 2007, a meteorite from outer space crashed into Peru, leaving a crater resembling a large mud puddle. Immediately, hundreds of Indians became sick and didn't show up for their shifts at the local gold mine. Scientists initially believed the Indians were all just hung over and making shit up as usual, but sure enough, it actually was a meteorite that crashed there, unleashing a bizarre and toxic virus-like organism that began to proliferate throughout the world, eventually killing everyone.

Or is it spies?!

The people of Peru are bad-asses. A gang of thieves led by a guy nick-named Bruce Lee was caught by a bunch of farmers. After breaking their faces and other bones with rocks and sticks, with the thieves begging for mercy and cowering in their van, the farmers set the van on fire and all the thieves burned to death. This was perfectly legal to do and is merely presented as an interesting anecdote.

According to Russian Military Intelligence Analysts, this is not from a meteor at all, but is the US A's spie satellite KH-13, targeting Iran, '"destroyed in its orbit"' with its main power generator powered by the radioactive isotope Pu-238 surviving re-entry and crashing in Peru. The sick people are merely suffering from radiation poisoning.

Most astonishing about these reports, however, are that they state that it was the Americans themselves who destroyed their own spy satellite, with the attack upon it being made by the United States Air Forces' 30th Space Wing located at Vandenberg Air Force Base in California. This was done in preparation for the upcoming Total War with Iran.

However

If it is in fact a meteor crater, these enormous impacts are relatively common in Peru. For example, this e-mail message discusses a similar event from a few years ago:

Date: Fri, 6 Feb 2004 08:46:16 -0500
From: "Celso Montalvo"
Subject: Meteoritos en Perú

Dear Friends,
Yesterday there were news of the fall of meteorites in two places at the south of Perú. One of the supposed meteorites fell on saturday Jan.31st on Chillapuquio, some 20 km near Cuzco and produced a hole around 20 m diameter and 30 m deep. The images in TV yesterday show a round hole with fractured edges. The second supposed meteorite fell monday Feb.02nd on Aplao, a city some 160 km NW of Arequipa and some 300 km SW from the first event. This second event ocurred in an inaccesible area so people has not reach the place. People of the area had seen a bright fireball falling around midday and seismographs registered a quake of 3.5 Mercalli.

Faking it

Now that the dust has literally and figuratively settled, or at least figuratively, it now appears that the Peruvians were just faking it, probably to get out of working in their coal mines, coffee plantations, drug fields, and potato farms. Supposedly, all the media report about it made the Peruvians THINK they were sick, which is ridiculous because Peruvians can't read and Peru only has less than 100 TVs in the whole country. Further, it now seems they were probabily faking it when they said they saw a meteorite, probably spaced out on drugs, and that if a gigantic object from space did land near them, it probably just kicked up all the arsenic they were using to try to kill all their rats (it didn't work. They still have a ton of delicious rats).

But wait, there's more

Fucking gringo comes to Peru and tries to steal the meteorite from the local Indians.

Fact of the day

Miss Peru

Miss Venezuela

Prior to the destruction of Peru by the American Airforce [1], we thought it might be useful to publish a handy guide to distinguishing Peru from Communist oil-rich Venezuela.

(a) None of Venezuela's lakes have such an amusing name as Lake Titicaca
(b) Paddington Bear does not come from Venezuela
(c) Peru is one on the left (if you hold the map with North America at the top of the page) whilst Venezuela is northeast of Colombia
(d) Venezuela does not contain alien airstrips
(e) Miss Venezuela is more conventionally attractive but Miss Peru can prepare delicious baked guinea pig

See also

• Copy - national sport
• Dota 2 - Peruvian argument simulator