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Garrett Simmers
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Garrett Simmers looks like it was written by pseudo-intellectual 13-year-old boys. Look out for unfunny Uncyclopedia bullshit, boring in-jokes, and angsty teen-ery. You could also add in actual humor.
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Garrett Simmers is an irrelevant lolcow who had long since been milked by the masses. You can help by finding someone else to pick on, you meen-spirited cyberboolie! |
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This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
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Garrett Simmmers (GarrettComedian2003) is your typical 11 year old playing the Internet Tough Guy on YouTube that joined on 2013, and he thinks that he is the the most awesome user ever and that he is the best Youtuber ever and that he is better than everyone when in reality he is just a basement dwelling 10 year old fatass that goes on his computer and jacks off to furry pr0nz. He also thinks that he has his own TV network that airs shows that will probably get him sued and watched by the NSA to see him jack off to his porn. Many of his buttbuddies include Keegan Salisbury (keegantheretardedYTPFapper), Matthew Thorp(TheRetardedMT1000), and Cruise (cruiseThePornoMaker) which of course are all of Garrett's sex slaves. He also has a fetish with Atomic Betty, and he keeps on mentioning her over and over like she's his waifu.
YouTube Past
On 2013, Garrett had an obsession of Goanimate, he decided to go to YouTube to spread his Go!Faggotry to others so that they can do the same. People left hate comments on his channel and like the blank minded he is, he started to go to the channels of the users that left hate comments started being retarded and made pointless videos out of them. He also steals content from other users and turns it worse that what it should have been. After many months of hate comments, Garrett decided to be like Chris-Chan and close his account to avoid more hate comments, but he usually comes back to do the same type of mullarkey that he usually does. But unfortunately, it doesn't end there.
The "Feud"
One faithful day in the world of YouTube, A YouTuber named Jose Hernandez (referred well by his moniker Daxter5150) was busy at making some videos he had planned until Garrett, like a dumbass, decided that it would be a good idea to talk shit about someone that is more famous than him and make him a total badass. So then he started talking shit to Dax In Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, and YouTube, and that led Dax to respond with making a video called How to Play Guitar like Garrett Simmers, a parody of a video Garrett made in August 2013 depicting Garrett playing the guitar in an effort to "torture" Warren Cook, an 11-year old kid who makes fan-made VHS openings for his own entertainment in which he gets criticized badly for it.
The video received critical reception, but when Garrett watched the video, he got so angry at the fact, that he went from retard to full-on Chris-Chan Mode and decided to go start an all-out war with him, and Daxter says that the war will never end after what Garrett has done, or until they have to go to school and play Pokemon. This feud started out in May 2014 to onward, as it is still visible to this day.
The Taylor Conundrum
Not too long ago, Garrett had a enemy of him named Taylor, "The Hayniac VGCP" (AKA VideoGameCartoonPolice). This girl was involved into a fight Garrett started with one of her known friend. She attempted to stand up for her friend and try to keep him for making fun of him and/or harassing him. Since having only an IQ of Chris-Chan's, he became a total pussy and decided to block Taylor, which then lead to a war with Garrett vs Taylor's fanboys/fangirls over Garrett blocking a girl on the internet, and it has become the most silliest war of 2014 that only results from letting your 10 year old son on the internet.
On February 19, 2015, Taylor even started an awesome hashtag called 
#GarrettUnblockTaylor which caused a giant movement against Garrett and have a shit ton of comments up his ass to the point where Garrett's friends start to defend him, but fails every way it can, growing this "war" to the point of annoyance.
The movement that made him popular
After Garrett got trolled even worse than before, his mass army of haters decided to do something to make Garrett butthurt once again, by forcing him to air his body language on the "Garrett Network", but just like how Garrett is the retarded 11 year old blob that he is, he refused, piling on more hate and pressure and hate on him. On May 2014, during a Google hangout call, Garrett was crying and screaming while his mom was teaching him body language. Someone by the name of "Darran Good" decided to record the entire footage of Garrett screaming and crying, and upload it onto YouTube. And then he decided to make the new and improved GBL which looks like total ass. Sadly, the original footage was BALEETED off the interwebz, however, one of Garrett's ex-friends has a video containing the audio from Garrett's Body Language being streamed on an online radio station.
And then he decided to make the new and improved GBL which looks like total ass.
Ways to make Garrett Butthurt
If you want to make the awesome 11 year old mad and pissed, this is what you only have to do:
-Tell him to "air his body language." -- He will of course, be very pissed, and then start to repeat the same shitty comeback, then say "Body language? OK!" -Pulls middle finger-.
-Tell him that he is a fat kid and he will start making up lies about himself to make himself feel better. -- He'll then starts to call himself skinny
-Make a rant about him. -- He'll make one back and his will be worse than yours.
-Troll one of his friends and make them mad and pissed that Garrett might make shitty YTP's out of you. -- It actually happened before.
-Tell Garrett that his waifu sucks. -- Or don't because he doesn't have a waifu.
And finally....
-If you have Skype, add him to your contacts, make a spam group, then go to town.
His friends
Like every other popular kid on the internet, Garrett has friends.... on the internet. Shockingly, most of his friends are younger than Garrett (8-10 years old). Garrett has notable friends who receive as much hate as himself, further proving that children should never have access to the internet or to their $5 webcam from Walgreens.
Keegan
Keegan James Salisbury or "KeeganTheYTPMaker1000" is a 10-year old kid who makes bland YouTube Poops. He is Garrett's best friend on YouTube and Skype. When in fights, he will make comebacks that are shockingly more stale than Garrett's. It was proved that Keegan is more of a delinquent than Garrett in real life. On March 5, 2015, Keegan was suspended from his school for punching a teacher right towards her face because his teacher didn't want him to play on his iPad. That caused Keegan to lose his internet privileges and many found out about it. Keegan was popular when he was accused of killing Dipper, a fictional hand-drawn cartoon character from Gravity Falls. Thus caused him to spew out profanity and cried because of it. The video below had Keegan deal with people accusing him for killing Dipper. Nowadays, he has become the premiere lolcow of this group and now has a much bigger and better page of his own, here.
- His cringeworthy Vine account
ytpmaker1000 His Skype
Brandon Figuracion
Brandon Figuracion is an Asian-American kid who is overprotective when it comes to things that happen bad to Garrett. He often becomes a whiteknight when someone hates Garrett with a passion. His most popular hate targets are Alex Surge and DeadGiraffe, two people who, you guessed it, hate Garrett. He often makes fun of them and even talks about them behind their backs. Brandon also sends death threats to Garrett haters as well.
- amazingcousins19 His Skype
CuteEwok
Kaleo Marek or "CuteEwok" is Garrett's highly supportive friend. Though claiming he has neutral opinions towards Garrett's haters and fans, he secretly lies and decides to defend Garrett and his friends and will keep anyone against Garrett from attacking him in a powerful fashion.
DeadGiraffe, one of Garrett's haters, mostly gets targeted by CuteEwok, though being the dumbass he is, he makes videos to make fun of Giraffe and gives him attention. Ewok foolishly did the wrong thing and got his YouTube account taken down for violations of their "terms of service". He then came back, But not on a happy note. Every time Garrett's haters call up his grandmother (They currently can't get a hold of his mother) telling her all the shit Garrett did (Y'know, death threats an' shit), Ewok has to come to the rescue, which, of course, gets Tits Migee out of trouble.
"i disagreed with his squeaky 10y/o friend on skype (garrett) and garrett threatened to "hack" me and attempted to ddos me and tried to get his friend to gain access to my youtube account anyways, i ddosed and doxxed garrett and did some other cruel stuff and ewok started to whiteknight and made THIS" -Giraffe on Reddit
- live:cuteewokgaming His Skype
Garrett Today
Nowadays, Garrett isn't around and has barely produced any drama or milk worthwhile for the time-being. But one of his now ex-friends, Keegan Salisbury has sperged out so hard and far that he not only has earnt a page of his own here, but it has become far bigger and more well-made then Garrett's page was.
TL;DR
Never let your 11 year old kid on the internet. Ever.
External Links
- garrettsreturn His Skype
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Garrett Simmers is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Garrett Simmers is part of a series on Aspies. | [Sperg out] |