Diablo III

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Bizzard Agrees...

The playable cast. L to R, Weaboo, Jigaboo, Emo, Homo, and Pedo.

Diablo III was announced last Thursday to the joy of many hardcore fans. There was excitement for all of two seconds before the lifeless nerds who still play Diablo 2 were annoyed by the new graphics and features because their eyes are not used to more than 256 colors. This led to lulz, because Diablo is WoW with less dragons.

The forging of Diablo III

Diablo III in a Nutshell.

1. Make Diablo II 3D
2. Remove the Satanic graphics so it looks like Warcraft III's in order to please casual gamers.
3. Asking /b/ to give some advice how to make the game even better than D2.
4. Getting totally assraped by the sheer horror of /b/ and never ever programming again.
5. Instead of actually programming a whole game, program just a small part and make it so when the player reaches the end they just start from the beginning on a "harder" difficulty level.
6. Wait until Starcraft II gets released.
7. ????
8. Profit!!

Story

This is you and your mom in Diablo III.

The new Shoplifter class.

All the guys you killed in the previous Diablo games are still alive. Turns out the whole thing was an opium-induced dream of Deckard Cain's, So you will have to go around magic land and kill all of Diablo's minions, Diablo himself and Lord of Destruction.

When you are done with that you go to hell and kill them all again.

As you go through the game expect to kill the same 10 monsters over and over again with them changing colors as they get stronger. When you beat the game you will only get to see some crappy blizzard cinematic scene where you find out that the last guy you killed is still alive and you will have to kill him for the 5th fucking time in the expansion pack and the 6th time in the sequel.

Now, don't get bored with it so you can hop onto multi player and spend hours typing in "WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG? WUG?". Soon you'll find out that everyone in the fucking game only wants 1 item (remember the stones of Jordan?) even though they already have 2 character's inventories full of them.

Classes

You can play this guy, too.

The basic concept of D3 is to get the common classes mixed up with AIDS and fail, leading at least to the following poor abominations:

Witch Doctor

Basically this is the Necro combined with some Druid elements and all the kind of diseases you can get by lurking not4chan.

Jew

The Jew comes along with a new, unique concept: all of his skills are for looting. The barbarian in D2 was also capable of stomping the living shit out of the paladin. This has not changed in D3, in fact the Jews only purpose is gathering money of the sold items and leeching the exp of his party members in case gold should get any kind economic value at the b.net servers. They are capable of casting spells, one of the spells currently in development is "9/11".

Necromancer

The Necromancer is a mixture of the good old fashioned Armymancer and a black person. Summoning his minions hes gonna steal all the bikes. Health and mana are kinda mixed up with KFC wings and watermelon juice, which makes it difficult to get healed. For that purpose, you will have to beat up some white, kind grocery owners to get what you want. Lvl by lvl you will get better equipped homies, making you the horror even in hell.

PVP

Blizzard announced that family-friendly merchandise will accompany the game.

“	I heard people talking about how blizzard does not want to make classical pvp servers for Diablo III but more like pvp where you can attack only those players that want to fight you... oO What ever that sh*t is, I don't call it pvp, that's called dueling. They say pvp can ruin the game experience. My question is how can you talk about game experience if there's no pvp? I mean I don't want to play the game where I must ask every stupid noob if I can kill him, wtf is that sh*t for? Why should I build my character if I can't use it to kill noobs in game? I don't want to play in single player and do stupid quests, that's boring. I want to play pvp, like in WoW. I don't want to play WoW for next 6 years, I want Diablo III, waiting for this game for so long and now if there is no pvp, wtf am I going to do? go questing? go kill stupid monsters? that's boring man. If they need to make PVE servers for frp noobs fine, but there are lot of players expecting good PVP experience, so when I connect on battle.net I can go and pwn them, or get pwned, isn't that the point of multiplayer, competition? no? Anyway, I enjoyed Diablo II even though real pvp never existed, but now its like 2009, you can't make a game without pvp... I mean why the f**k you make a game without pvp? Any news about this matter? Is there any petition or feedback going on for this?	„
—BAWWWWWWWWWWW

“	As if Diablo III could not getting any more shitty, Blizzard fucked up the PVP in the game. Now, instead of PVP being awesome and raping every noob in your path, you now have to ask the person if they want to fight you. In the past, you were able to go into a game that was full of noobs and own them all, but now every player in the game is going to be a carebear. Gay.	„
—Piercedanon

See Also

• Satan
• Warcraft 3
• Diablo
• Diablo II: Electric Boogaloo!

External Links

• Wikipedia Article
• Fat Cunt Rages on D3

Diablo III is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Diablo III is part of a series on MMORPGs.

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