Conrad Alan Rockenhaus

	“	I have valor. You dont even know what valor is.	„
	—Conrad after being discovered

Conrad's bust
Conrad
Real name	Conrad Alan Rockenhaus
Nationality	American
Twitter	RockRockenhaus

Conrad Alan Rockenhaus (a.k.a. Adezero's 4th wife) is a 40-something-year-old Americunt military veteran, ex-con and anal rape victim who was the de-facto owner of Encyclopædia Dramatica from May to December of 2019. Conrad's reign as Æmperor followed that of SeeBeen and was among the shortest in ED history as he was arrested for hacking just 7 months after his reign began. Conrad's sudden arrest led to the dictatorship of Assnapkins, whose girlfriend he would eventually steal after being released from prison.

Conrad was best known for his stolen valor and general butthurt after his claims were proven false. Shortly after being fired from his job, he decided to DDoS his former employers in an attempt to get his job back, which totally couldn't be traced back to him. Due to his role as a sysop and server operator, his arrest brought a brief loss of lulz when ED server keys were lost.

Stolen Valor

Attempt 1.0: The actual military

	“	These images match in material aspects the documents the appellant provided to HM2 F, and appear to have been “cut and pasted” to create the documents.	„
	—Navy Crime Scene Investigation (not the show)

After serving a few years in the United States Navy and getting a fair amount of rank, Rockenhaus decided the amount of prestige he held was not enough. Being only a measly IT nerd, he never actually had the "opportunity" to see real action like a big boy. Armed with his knowledge of the military and about 5 minutes of internet research, Rockenhaus decided to award himself some medals. He quickly uncovered some old records of service members that earned the medals he desired and decided to forge some documents to prove he earned them. Unfortunately, the military is not as autistic as he anticipated. Believe it or not, someone who had less rank than he quickly realized something didn't add up. And of course, questions were asked. But fear not, since Rockenhaus had the documents to prove he "earned" the medals he wore. However, there was one problem: the documents looked like they came right out of a preschool classroom! Nobody was amused. Soon after, Rockenhaus was reported for stolen valor to the navy's crime investigation team who came to the exact same conclusion: this guy is full of shit.

Attempt 2.0: Encyclopedia Dramatica Forums

	“	All of my medals were earned. All of them!	„

Butthurt

In a striking episode of déjà vue, despite holding the title of sysop Rockenhaus decided to try and earn more "respect" from fellow Ediots by claiming he was a decorated Desert Storm combat veteran. Armed with his previous experience, Rockenhaus proceeded to upload his (previously used) forged documents to back up his claims. While this fooled many prospective employers, the members of EDF were not amused. Unfortunately for Rockenhaus, there are actual veterans on ED. It quickly became apparent that these documents were forged, probably because he used the same exact shit he tried 5 years prior. Rather than admit defeat, Rockenhaus went on a crusade to put down these "ridiculous" claims and convince everyone he truly was a decorated combat veteran.

However, there is one issue with his claims: he couldn't keep a story straight. Switching back and forth between separation conditions he continued to assert his claims and only served to bring more negative attention to himself. He repeatedly requested others obtain his military records for display, and only denied the accuracy of what was found. In fact all this begging really did was uncover some old ground and it was quickly discovered this wasn't his first try.

Post

WikiEdit Drama

Soon after the drama on EDF2, an article on Conrad was swiftly created (the original article only consisted of two screenshots; one of which is lost to time because of reasons, and the following two sections). However, after finding out, he started edit warring with Likeicare and even added this article to robots.txt out of butthurt (meaning it wouldn't show up on search engines nor be archived by the Wayback Machine). The following are the original contents of the article:

The following sections are perfect. Don't fuck with them!

Conrad vs Likeicare

	“	I am a coward and I lack the courage to request Conrad's official military service records via the FOIA, even though I just need his name to request them, and even though they will provide his records to me for free via email, because my bipolar egotistical ass can't handle being wrong.	„

Edit: This section was added by Conrad himself, apparently unaware that it is up to himself to prove things, not other people:

Subedit: Holy Shit, someone did get the FOIA and posted, yet Likeicare discounted it as a "sock" since it apparently didn't fit his narrative.

False. As soon as it was posted i stopped accusing you of anything. This is sounding slanderous conrad

Subedit: Your sock, Cassius Longinus, still accuses Conrad of stealing medals. By the way, when it's written it's called "libel." But even in the beginning, I provided proof that I wasn't lying, which you said was "forged" yet you had nothing to base that on. You were wrong, and you posted a shitty attack page that ew normally delete, because we normally delete shitty attack pages. Faggot.

I dont have any socks, that account belongs to someone over 1000kms away and you aren't part of the "we"

You do have socks. Whatever, you're a proven liar. Oh God, it's a colloquial "we" you dumbass, or do you not know English? Want me to leave ED? Want me to take back the help I've provided? I can leave now, just let me know.

Why dont you just message me on skype lol

	“	I'm very involved with Tor, i2p, protecting free speech and privacy, which is why I believe ED deserves to remain available for all - freedom of expression, doy. Unless said speech is directed at me	„

Deployment

Conrads opinion on his deployment

	“	Yeah, I was, it has the years and months total time right there on the very document, but you're so fucking retarded that you can't read, obviously. But boy, you do love to skim a line, talk shit, skim a line, talk shit.	„

	“	Not all my deployments were at sea. I was assigned to JCU (Landbased/Airborne), and JMAST (Landbase/Amphibious).	„

	“	I did indeed deploy, multiple times to various places on land and at sea, which is significantly more than you have done	„

The US Navy's opinion on Conrads deployment

	“	When asked about his deployments, he ultimately admitted, “I never deployed.”	„

Death and Revival of ED

On August 23, 2019, encyclopediadramatica.rs died suddenly (presumably the hard drives containing ED's data got corrupted). Upon the loss of his beloved Encyclopædia Dramatica, Rockenhaus decided to take action. Since he was one of Zaiger's butt buddies, he had access to the last ED backups made under his reign; dated mid 2017. Using his skiddie powers as well as said backups, by October 14 the new and improved ED 3.0 had risen from the ashes of 2.0.

ED 3.0 is so far the shortest-lived iteration of ED; lasting only about 3 months. While the wiki and forums thrived (despite being rolled back to mid 2017), Rockenhaus's autism would come back to bite him in the ass; eventually resulting in the permanent death of EDF2 and the rise of Ass Napkins.

Arrest

	“	What if I crash my old company's servers from my old employee account then offer to help them fix it for a substantial sum of money? I'm a genius!	„
	—Conrad Alan Rockenhaus

On December 2019 the skiddie thought it would be a good idea to break his former employer's servers then offer to fix them for a ransom. This failed and Rockenhaus got a visit from the ED Party Van. Since Rockenhaus didn't share the servers with anybody, ED 3.0 was doomed and went offline for good by late January 2020. By this point Rockenhaus was also the only one with full backups of EDF2; so his arrest also signaled the permanent demise of EDF2.

From this point, another skiddie named Jacob Evan Stellmach^✡ (who went by the username Pæperclip), a disgraced EDiot who was B& from the site years ago for being a pedophile, noticed ED was down and created ED 4.0 in late February; going by the alias aediot on the revived site. With no one having backups for EDF2 and being too poor to afford XenForo (or maybe he was too afraid to pirate it from the various "nulled" communities), Stellmach also created a short-lived successor forum using phpBB. Being a poor-ass jew, Stellmach could barely run the site and it tended to be down half of the time; likely because he was a homosexual pedophile jew looking for young boys to rape in the ass.

See also

• Girlvinyl - Fat whore who killed the original ED because she needed jewgold for pizzas.
• Zaiger - Homeless druggie who made ED nearly unusable without AdBlock by flooding it with porn ads.
• Aediot - His jewish successor who tried (and failed) to sodomize a 13 year old boy.
• Umkemesik - Doxed and harassed his tech boy for ousting him as a pedophile.

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