Colorado

Infograph by phobos on the glorious state of Colorado

Colorado is a mountainous rectangular area in the American Southwest, home to Columbine, ADX, JonBenet Ramsey, and countless other hilarious happenings. Because Colorado's population has around a 1:5 crazy to normal mentality, the state is much more entertaining and interesting than its rural neighbors. This often reveals its self via Mass Shootings; Colorado is home to several high-profile shooting sprees, such as Columbine, the Aurora Theatre Shooting, Matthew Murray's shooting at YWAM and New Life, Karl Pierson's 2013 school shooting, and even moar. There were even two mass shootings within a month of each other, in Colorado Springs. Additionally, Colorado is one of the greatest states of the greatest nation ever, and being from there makes you automatically better than everybody else. Colorado became the first state to legalize weed, back in 2012. This has created a massive tourism industry, contributing to the mass migration of countless Americunts flocking to Colorado, only further driving up the already-skyrocketing real estate and accelerating the sea of suburbs taking over everywhere within a 20100 mile radius of Denver. Scientists predict that 420.99% of the state will be a denver suburb by the year 2025. The cheapest suburb, Aurora, has a median real estate price-range of of $260,000 fucking dollars. Colorado is for yuppie shitheads now.

Bringing in the lols

“	<Meepsheep> theres something in the water in colorado <Meepsheep> that makes people want to shoot everybody	„
—ED IRC

Normal Colorado behavior.

Colorado proudly believes in lulz and has a habit of giving rise to some weird, wild stuff. This is due in part to copious amounts of drugs (methamphetamine, cocaine/crack, acid, and legal marijuana are all popular and widely available choices), a lot of free time, and an idealistic setting. However, unbeknownst to some, this nonsense has been going on for years. Regardless, Colorado has a long way to go to catch up to Wisconsin or Florida.

Such activities include, but are not limited to:

• Columbine
• Hosting the most realistic Batman movie experience of your life (and probably the last)
• JonBenet Ramsey
• Noah Jacob Harpham
• Karl Pierson
• Sand Creek Massacre. Genocide!.
• Alferd Packer, cannibal from at least 100 years ago.
• Robert Charles Browne, serial killer.
• Marvin Heemeyer
• Matthew Murray
• Kobe Bryant, renowned nigra and rapist.
• Ted Haggard, faggot, former head of National Association of Evangelicals and founder of New Life Church.
• An arm of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, linked to the Yearning for Zion Ranch, in Mancos. Yeah, we have Mormons also.
• Focus on the Family, stationed in Colo. Springs and founded by James Dobson. Yet another cult.
• Rocky Mountain Oysters, an epic troll.
• Calling 911 and telling them that your 6-year-old son is drifting away in your own handcrafted helium balloon to get some attention.
• Triggur
• Richard Sheetz
• Meepsheep and phobos :^)
• Bryan Erickson is a guy who knows the secret of how to fuck up a career you didn't deserve in the first place
• South Park

Denver

Three sus characters smoking a joint on Federal Blvd

Denver and its surrounding communities (particularly Aurora) are the only parts of Colorado that could really be considered "urban": there are lots of nigras, the sound of police sirens can be consistently heard, and most importantly it's the only part of Colorado where you really don't have to worry about animals destroying your patio furniture. Denver itself is a city representative of a constant battle between city officials (fueled by yuppie taxpayer dollars) to clean up the city of the large homeless/nigger population and said homeless/nigger population's desire to continue squatting in abandon buildings along West Colfax. Most of Denver is pretty chill nonetheless, except for Capitol Hill and LoDo where all of the faggot hipsters live.

16th Street Mall

16th Street Mall is the "famous" mall stretching roughly from Union Station to the capitol building (basically from the LoDo to the Capitol Hill neighborhoods mentioned above) and is really the only part of Denver you're going to like if you're a normal white person. There's bookstores, restaurants, coffee shops, etc — there's also some touristy dispensaries right off of 16th but I wouldn't really recommend any of these. 16th Street Mall does have the advantage of offering a free bus "mall ride" up and down 16th, but be prepared, you will encounter homeless people lunched out on PCP. Similarly, there is a large homeless/thug population on the 16th Street Mall, however police efforts effectively keep the strip safe for families and weed tourists. You can find pretty much anything at the 16th & California light rail station.

Colfax Avenue

Ask any resident of Colorado about Colfax (pronounced Co-fax) and they will tell you to stay far, far away from that crime and nigger infested area. If you're looking for crack, smack, meth, unlicensed firearms, or a hooker in Denver, Colfax is easily your best bet (Federal would probably come second). Ironically, Colfax was once a prosperous trade route between the gold rush going on in the high rockies and the growing settlement of Denver. The city has since tried to improve the image and culture of Colfax by placing the city's major concert venues (Ogden, Fillmore, Bluebird) along East Colfax and Casa Bonita on the West side, encountering little to no success in doing so.

Littleton

If you can follow Broadway or Federal south of Denver long enough without being repulsed by the locals, you'll eventually hit Littleton, which, due to its close proximity to Denver and much more appealing landscape, is inhabited mostly by affluent white families. If you're white, Littleton is a fairly welcoming place, with plenty of "historic" buildings, landmarks, etc that you'll probably be interested in due to having too much time on your hands.

Centennial

Another Denver suburb that housed a school shooter. Sadly, Karl Pierson only fragged 1 noob before an heroing. Centennial offers the typical hyperinflated real estate and suburban shitheads.

Columbine

Immediately to the left of Littleton, lies the unincorporated city of Columbine. The only thing of note about this overpriced shithole is that the Columbine massacre occurred here.

Aurora

Aurora is essentially East Denver with lots of niggers, pakis, mexicans, and various other minority groups that tend to cause the most crime when they live around each other. In addition, Aurora is home to Buckley Air Force Base, which is pretty much a FEMA concentration camp disguised as a golf ball factory.

If you keep heading south, Aurora will eventually infuse with Parker, which is like Denver for those who are particularly god-fearing. The batman shooting occurred here. Due to being the most affordable suburb / city within range of Denver, many lower-middle class shmucks flock here like flies to horse shit, along with endless hordes of niggers and spics and other undesirables.

PROTIP: the far east side is being flooded by niggers from Detroit along with Rapefugees. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Boulder

Boulder is known for its traffic, goddamn bike riders, self-righteous college students, freeloading bums calling themselves "travelers," and upstanding residents (who have been known to rape and murder their prepubescent beauty-queen daughters). Once known as a major spawning area for dirty hippies, Boulder's hippy population is being gradually phased out by an influx of pretentious hipsters and worthless, trust-fund yuppies. Boulder is also home to the ultra-rare "liberal douche" redneck (really just a subspecies of hipster).

These "intellectuals" have read a Newsweek and/or heard a Bob Dylan song at some point in their life. These accomplishments set them above most Coloratards, and they enjoy flaunting their superior intelligence. When not wearing flannel vests and hiking boots while drinking micro brew, these supermen are protesting the hiring of additional police to catch a child killer because of the extra penny in taxes it would cost each resident.

Boulder is home to Colorado University, which every other Coloradan who doesn't attend this shithole collectively hates. This college is a breeding ground for dirty hippies, footballing rapists, psychopathic murderers, alcoholic sorority sluts, preachy and pretentious professors and just all-around fucktardedness. Not a day goes by that this university isn't receiving media attention for alcohol poisoning-related deaths, murder, sex-for-grades scandals, swine flu outbreaks, and professors just generally being assholes while going to extreme lengths to get tenure.

Their football team, the Buffaloes, are the worst aspect of this town. And that's really saying something. They are regularly, violently assraped by the CSU Rams. This University is the epitome of shit. If it didn't have so many azn engineering students, it would fit more appropriately in the slums of Detroit as opposed to the hippie-spawning city of Boulder.

Boulder is also the home of an amazingly hairy coked-up alien and his hot retard girlfriend.

In Boulder, every resident has declared himself to be "more special-er than thou" due to their adherence to the Gospel of Wealth. Inherited wealth, that is. Since when did a hippie make his own money?

At least 100 percent of a Boulderite's body is entirely covered in hair Barack Obama's semen. Unfortunately, the microscopic boulderite penis size does not allow a Boulderite to procreate successfully, which explains the abnormal rates of adoption from Taiwan, Singapore, or any other Asian country that gives away children. A Boulder resident is most likely a self-righteous fucktard whose penis swells every time he hears "9/11 was a lie!". Jello Biafra, being a self-proclaimed anarchist, is originally from Boulder, then moved to California, thus making him a Super-Saiyan IV leftard. Oh, and a sellout.

Boulder is an independent city of unbridled, mindless liberalism in a sea of Colorado's idiotic, bible-raping conservatism. Education is very limited because nobody in Boulder can listen to a viewpoint that is not first marinated in unwarranted self-importance. Because Boulderite parents are too busy rock-climbing, bear "wrestling", or having massive hippy orgies to give their kids good examples, Boulder gave birth to the parenting theory that if you whisper to the kids in their ears to behave, they will understand and do what you say. Also, the theory focuses on giving the kids exactly what they want so that they won't throw a shit fit. This is why in 2007, a boy was able to stockpile several AK-47s in his bedroom.

Most children in the area are home-schooled. A typical school day consists of masturbation, kumbaya circles, self-flagellation (if white), and an hour or so of pissing on those with less money than them (again, if white). There are also award ceremonies where children are presented with "special" prizes for competing in such strenuous events as "showing up", or "still breathing when everybody else crossed the finish line."

Boulder is built on a Quartz crystal deposit, leaving everyone there batshit insane. Boulder is known a "spiritual" hot-bed for self-congratulatory nut-jobs who all say they love everyone but proceed to swear and threaten the guy who takes too long to order at the nearest Hippie Starbucks. Note: On Boulder's famous Pearl Street pedestrian Mall, there are four Starbucks. In an area comprising less than 300 yards. But yeah, corporations suck, don't they?

The rest of the 48 continental United States found out about boulder from the musical act 3OH!3 which are two wiggers who like to rap about whores and drinking. Before then nobody had even heard of Boulder. After that, plenty of people had heard about Boulder, but they still continued to not care.

Longmont

Also known as "Bongmont." Longmont is the southern most city in a region of Colorado called "Vanilla Valley." It is here that the demographics change quite a bit. Although a majority of people here are white, there is a significant population of beaners. About .25% of the population here is of nigra descent. It is worth mentioning that Longmont has two well known microbreweries, and a shit load of not so well known microbreweries. While medical marijuana is used here in excess, most of the users of said drugs also lace it with meth for an enhanced buzz, or they sell their shit out of their places of living (be it a cardboard box next to the dumpster at King Soopers or in a normal home). It is said that Longmont is the meth capital of the state, and maybe even the fucking world!

While there is a large senior citizen population here, their days consist of playing bingo and then going across the street and sitting at the local McDonalds for hours on end. And then they go home. And someday, they'll die, only to be buried at the Mountain View cemetery which is less than a mile down the street from the retirement home! Welcome to one of the most depressing places in Colorado evar.

Colorado Springs

Tumbleweeds everywhere

Colorado Springs is widely known as the epicenter of the religious right with over 9000 churches serving the community, all of which are led by heterosexual and upstanding pastors who are motivated only by their love of God and not by money, coke, and/or male hookers. In effect, Colorado Springs is sometimes refereed to as "The Christian Mecca". Anyone under the age of 21 can most likely be found cruising the streets in a riced-out Japanese vehicle, graciously purchased by their parents. The kids under 21 without vehicles are usually Juggalos who spend their allowance on shitty weed. They usually hang out in Acacia Park and get fucked up with homeless people. As an aside, homeless people in Colorado are generally retarded because you can be homeless ANYWHERE, so why not refrain from beer for a few days and panhandle up $80 to buy a Greyhound bus ticket to California? Everyone over the age of 21 spends the $200 they made that week at their shitty call center job in one of the various clubs downtown. 98% of the venues play abrasive, violent hiphop, and 98 times out of 100 a patron of the club will take the opportunity to spray the joint with bullets immediately after last call. Everyone in Colorado Springs does methamphetamine, no exceptions. Home of Ytcracker. Colorado Springs is also notable for having two massacres occur within a month of each other. (see: Noah Jacob Harpham)

Glenwood Springs

Glenwood Springs is an obscure tourist trap some where in Colorado that tries very hard to divert some attention from the EXTREMELY money whoring town of Aspen. The only thing that brings any value to the town is its so called "Worlds largest outdoor hotspring pool" which contains its healthy amount of piss and AIDS from the gazillion people that go there from a day to day basis.

The town also has a homeless problem (what doesn't here?), of which is heavily concentrated behind the local Walmart. As said earlier, the jobless rate is thanks to none-other the overpopulation of mexicans. Many, bathe in the disease ridden waste water that is dumped from the hot springs into the Colorado river from a giant concrete pipe.

Also, there's a lot of faggot scene kids here. This place is probably the only one in the known universe in which the scene fad hasn't fucking died already.

Other Settlements of Colorado

• Alamosa: A (slowly) sprawling small city in the middle of a sea of wasteland and farmlands, 50mi east of Pagosa. There's some sand dunes a hour northeast, but that's about it. This place blows!

• Aspen: What was once a generic small colorado mountain town was taken over by the 1%ers, driving up the real estate to the highest in the fucking nation. Literally a goddamn Trailer house would set you back at least $400,000. Don't bother coming here, its overrated.

• Bayfield: A shitty little small town located east of Durango filled with the typical assortment of local wildlife; Methheads, Jocks, Mormons, Spics.

• Castle Rock: Despite being 30 miles south of denver, is a denver suburb somehow. Suburbs have sprawed all the way down here at this point, and will quickly take over the entire Front range, even all the way down south to Albuquerque. Scratch that, nobody wants to live in 'New' Mexico.

• Cortez: Shitty small town west of Durango, known for trailer trucker trash and the lynching of a Transgender Navajo Teen in the early 2000s. It's north of the Mesa Verde national park, so it generates a lot of tourism money that the residents use on gay sex toys and meth.

• Durango: Medium sized town filled with upper class jocks and hippies. A tourist trap featuring little else besides skiing and trains. Its only call to fame is being where this video was filmed.

• Grand Junction: Pretty much Montrose, except with more Mormons.

• Greely: Some sea of suburbs, surrounded by a 20 mile radius of cow farms, constantly giving the city the scent of cow shit.

• Montrose: Small city in west colorado. Even on the other side of the state, the standard suburban virus architecture has taken over the entire area and continues to spread, even though there's no reason to live here.

• Pagosa Springs: a rundown small town in the center part of southern Colorado. All that it holds are some hot springs...

• Pueblo: Some shitty city north of Trinidad. Pretty much the Denver area, for the lower class. Again, in the literal fucking middle of nowhere.

• Silverton: A small town in the middle of the San Juan Mountains, far to the north of Durango. This town literally only survives off of tourism, as the mines that supplied this shithole have nigh run out, ages ago.

• Telluride: Another small town to the immediate northwest of Silverton. This place is notable for 98% of its residents being potheads, and hosts some film festival and a fuckload of pot shops. If you can manage to trek through the treacherous mountains, you might be able to find a rewarding experience here... If you're fuckin' rich dude.

• Trinidad: Lower middle class shithole in the middle of fuckin' nowhere, a few miles north of New Mexico.

Activities

• If you fortunately happen to stumble upon the fair "Strawberry Days" then you actually might have something to do. Like picking up worthless nicknacks at one of the many booths, or watching the local parade trip over their own feet.
• Every First weekend of August, Stapleton is home to the furfaggotry that is the Rocky Mountain Fur Con, the best thing to do is point how how fucking retarded they look, Lulz will ensue. (Might be irrelevant because they are moving hotels for 2014, The doubletree probably kicked them out)
• Every First weekend of March, Stapleton is home to Animeland Wasabi, an anime convention held in the same hotel that the fur con used to be in. the best thing to do is point how how fucking retarded they look, Lulz will ensue
• If you happen to be a Subaru owner, hiker, and mac owner (all are usually at once); then this is the place for you.
• The two shopping malls here can add somewhat for a thing to do, but usually runs out of options fast.
• Willamette was probably based on this town, so zombies are likely to invade here as they did in Dead Rising.
• If above is true, go "shop" till you drop.
• Look for a way to get out of here.

Tourist attractions

If for some God awful reason you happen to find yourself visiting Colorado, there are lots of awesome places to visit.

• Mesa Verde: A giant dustbowl of ugly mudhuts and arrow heads. Whoopdee-fucking-do. Created by the Indians at least 100 years ago before the gold rush drove them to the rocky mountains to build casinos.

• Garden of the Gods: An ironic name for a place that God is void of. All that's here is rocks, lots and lots of fucking rocks. Oh and sand too, with the occasional dried up shrubbery.

• Casa Bonita^*: More than an iHop, but less than a Chuck-e-Cheese, it's the place to take out of town relatives you don't even like. The food is slightly less than TV dinner tier, and the whole damn place reeks of chlorine due to the "amazing" stunts preformed by the "professional" divers/college kids willing to do anything to rack up a few extra bucks. The service is worse than that of your typical Red Robin, seeing as leaving your table for longer than five minutes will result in employees throwing your crap away to make room for the next single mother wasting a Saturday to please a few whiny brats.

^*Not really as awesome as portrayed in South Park

• Columbine Memorial: Yes, the park right next to Columbine High School has a memorial (finished in 2007) dedicated to the 13 fags pwn'd by the two heroes Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Local traffic in the area is often flooded with hordes of people all over the world who come to that shitty suburb specifically to visit the site of the deadliest massacre in High School history.

• Cave of the winds: An average cave that has wind in it. No seriously that's it.

• Elitch Gardens: A typical amusement park, but with, you guessed it - gardens. At least there used to be, they have since converted into a picnic area that is almost always reserved for some rich kid's birthday.

• Tiny Town: Some retarded engineer thought it would be funny to build normal buildings 1/12th of their original hight and then label it as a kiddie fun time land. If you are seen anywhere near this facility you will be labeled as an aspie

Sports

Superbowl XLVIII

Colorado contains several sports teams that do nothing to help Coloradans' image much, choosing to prolong a losing Colorado tradition instead.

The Colorado Rockies baseball club was formed in 1993 and, much like a souffle, proceeded to collapse gradually following their inaugural season, despite playing at an altitude of literally over 9000 feet, which would make hitting a home run equivalent to hitting a ball out of the infield anywhere else. In 2007 they gave Coloradans a delight by not being as bad as they usually are, thus ending a decade long playoff drought, but not before choking against the Red Sox juggernaut in the World Series. They've since fallen back down to Earth, earning their rightful place in the NL West basement. That's not to mention serving as home to one of the worst mascots in sports and the national sports media hating them for daring to play in altitude.

Svatos, of the Colorado Avalanche, fucking pwning!

The NHL came to Denver in the form of the Avalanche in 1995 the city decreed: "Finally! A sport we can relate to!" What they meant was a sport played by half-educated mongrels and foreigners on a surface with the consistency of I-25 in February. The Avalanche managed to please right away by winning the 1996 Stanley Cup, and then spent the next 5 years fucking with the minds of fans as they consistently lost to teams that could barely skate. Then, in 2001, they won the Cup again in the name of a geriatric who abandoned his old team just to win a ring. The team also proved that a new winning team can pull the affections of a decades old team away, maintaining that Denver is still the nation's bandwagon supplier since the days of the Oregon Trail. Though, none of this matters, as the NHL no longer matters to anyone.

Since the late 1960's, Denver fans have had a love-affair with football and the evidence of that can be found in the dirty, smelly, and still orange-clad maniac fans of the Denver Broncos. Here's a run down of every season the Broncos have played, except for two: they reach a record of 10-6 and then lose in the playoffs (if they make it). Through much of the last two decades of the 20th Century the hope of the entire Rocky Mountain region rested on the shoulders and horse-teeth of equine quarterback, John Elway. Through most of his career he was labeled as the "quarterback who could get to the big game and then choke," faltering in four Super Bowl appearances at the time. That is until the late 90's when he finally won, not one, but two championships, bringing redemption, not only to his career, but to all of those mile-high losers who paint their bodies in orange paint every Sunday for five months a year. Naturally, since then, the Broncos have been nothing short of mediocre, the shifty, blameless rat Mike Shanahan having already gone through one quarterback before pinning his hopes on newly-drafted, diabeetus-riddled Jay Cutler.

Due to the high altitude which makes the denizens of Colorado stupid, no sports team, no matter how good or bad, can hold the attention of anyone for too long. This has caused an inordinate fluctuation in other sports teams that have joined the area including the Crush (Arena Football), Mammoth (Indoor Lacrosse), The Outlaws (Outdoor Lacrosse), the Rapids (Soccer), and a slew of other athletic distractions across the front range.

On a day where there is no sports team playing the Colorado media outlets complain about how they never get to host a Winter Olympics, despite already receiving a chance in 1976, but rejecting due to tax concerns, thus angering the IOC. But who wants to see an Olympics hosted by a state that proudly tolerates Boulder? These people are obviously stupid, anyway, for an event such as the Olympics would only succeed in bringing more cancer to the state. Well, at least we got the X-Games.

Transportation

Colorado boasts the most well liked bus system in the country- so they say. In reality, RTD (which is the retard's spelling for "Retard") is a system of freaks on wheels, in which you can find: homeless men peeing, transsexuals shouting on their blackberries, and old men screaming about the $1.50 bus fare. If RTD were taking the SAT, it would only be able to pass if it was given one point per extra pound of flab of their bus driver's asses . The Light Rail system is likewise terrible, and it won't be close to a decade before there's any real progress on that end, but of course we'll all be dead by then.

Cool things about Light Rail

• Light Rail is the most expensive transportation project in Colorado's history.
• Voters agreed to fund the project with a tax increase, for up to one billion dollars over the course of ten years. In two years time, the money was gone and a special vote had to be held. (It passed).
• So few riders took advantage of light rail in the first two years, it would have been cheaper for the city to simply reimburse them for cab fare. Srsly.
• The General Manager of the project, Liz Rao, has met George W. Bush. She even has a signed picture of him on her bookcase.
• Operations Manager Lloyd Mack had a really busty secretary. But she was old so nevermind.

Fun Facts

• Colorado means colored red in Spanish. All people matching that description have long been driven out.
• Colorado is only as colorful as the ugly pants worn by Metro Denver's rich Republican inhabitants
• The eastern parts of Colorado should be annexed to Nebraska and/or Kansas Given back to Britain (regardless, they won't be missed)
• If you live in Colorado and are between the ages of 8 and 28, you worship the shitty, wigger-esque, electro pop band 3OH!3. No exceptions.
• Wes don leik teh Raiders
• Aspen fucking sucks unless your yearly income is at least or over $2,500,000
• Boulder is full of hippies/douchebags.
• "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS! THERE'S A BIKE PATH TWO FUCKING FEET AWAY FROM YOU!"
• Colorado's mountains eat small children. srsly!
• If you don't like the weather in Colorado, just wait 5 minutes.
• Gunnison Maybel is the coldest town in Colorado, and in the known universe.
• Idaho Springs is basically the slums of Colorado as a whole and is overrun by redneck Republicans.
• People in Colorado hate out-of-state drivers.
• Coloradans love to troll people around them, such as by causing massive mine spills that destroy life and water for NM residents.
• If you wear anything but an Avalanche jersey, you will look like a fucking faggot. If you live in Colorado you are already a fucking faggot.
• "I'd rather have a sister in a whore house than a brother at Colorado University."
• colorado has a secret military base to kill other countries, NORAD
• Colorado's capital Denver was named after John Denver exploded in a plane crash. lol
• When Arriving in Denver National Airport (DIA) the New World Order controls your mind forever.
• If you are a tourist, stay in Commerce City or stapleton, otherwise you will be seen as an annoying nuisance; Denver residents do not like the outside world.
• Bryan Erickson from Velvet Acid Christ lives there

See also

• Wyoming - Colorado with no people and more sheep
• Utah - Colorado with more Mormons
• New Mexico - What would happen if Colorado was rained with nukes
• Ted Haggard

Colorado is part of a series on Columbine

[All jocks stand up!NBK]

Featured article September 7 & 8, 2016
Preceded by Zarna Joshi	Colorado	Succeeded by Micah Dawson