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God Hates Fags
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This article needs less fag enabling. You can help by getting rid of fag enabling. |
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EVERYBODY'S SPLITTING HELL WIDE OPEN Westboro now announces the amount of people who've split hell wide open since somebody has opened their web page. Stunning how hell hasn't collapsed yet. |
God Hates Fags is a website founded by the completely reasonable Westboro Baptist Church IRLTrolls, a fucktarded group led by the Reverend Fred Phelps (who is obviously partaking in closet faggotry). It is geared towards promoting hate of fags due to their support of putting it in the ass and tongue in the cunt. Some people that may support this site include purelily and Nathan Sheets, but do not include Scarlet or Jameth, who love the cock.
Fred Phelps
He hates Your Mom, and you. He loves to rape little kids and he's so far in the closet that he lives in narnia tossing prince caspians salad.
—Fred Phelps on the American people | ||
The Real Fred Phelps Story: Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr. (born November 13, 1929) was a man born with a vision. Since the day he left his mother's womb he was determined to be the world's best IRL troll. This was not an easy task and Fred knew this as he practiced his trolling techniques almost non-stop through his early life. It was not until much later that he started making "god hates fags" signs. This was an instant hit. Butthurt fags and fag enablers came from all four corners of the earth to try and protest his protests. Fred and his family got over 9000 lulz as they watched droves of retards make a fools out of themselves. He got so much pleasure from this he decided to create his own church, the Westboro Baptist Church. With this his power grew and so did his ability to troll fags. Fred has done so well with his works on earth that god put him 2nd in the line of godly succession, right behind Hitler. (When god steps down from power, Hitler will be the new god, then when Hitler steps down Fred Phelps will be new god)
History
Although Wikipedia has recently removed these facts due to their no-lulz policy, Fred Phelps' personal history is seen by many as fucking hilarious. For example, in the past he was known for his alcoholism and methamphetamine abuse (which nearly killed him, explaining his blatantly obvious brain damage), and while under the influence of these fine substances, he attempted to fulfill his destiny with a shotgun and missed. Like much of his life, this seems to be some kind of world record for failure. Medical evidence also shows that he beat his children severely with a pickax (apparently he confused them with some type of soil or plant matter), and when unemployed (which he was for quite some time) he was known to throw tantrums, breaking all the available dishes before taking his wife into the bedroom for sex. He has, in fact, publicly come out in support of the compassionate Christian tactic of "beating your bitch."
Before forming his own cult, Phelps first had to be kicked out of the congregation that he was previously a member of. How would he accomplish this? God had an answer. Fred was in church one day, fantasizing about buttfucking a large-rumped nigger, when his infant son began to cry. Should he comfort the child? God had a better answer. Fred repeatedly punched the baby in the face, almost guaranteeing him as bright a future as his father had. Seeing this, those who were not busy getting him kicked out were inspired to join his next church. This one failed as well when he held a vote to kick out someone who was not sufficiently retarded, and the congregation instead voted to kick out Fred.
Before becoming a cult leader, Fred was a lawyer. In fact, he has forced all of his children to become lawyers as well. This is convenient for him, because, although he eventually paid someone to testify to his "good character" in order to acquire a law degree, he was quickly banned from practicing. Along with frequently getting in fist fights, he attracted the authorities' attention by repeatedly calling a woman a slut in court. In return for an agreement not to go after the rest of his family, who are equally fine citizens, he permanently gave up his law license (his law firm's website refers to this as his "retirement"). Unfortunately, since he reproduced at a rate approaching that of the negro, he seems to have at least 100 children, all of whom will simultaneously sue you if you try to do anything against him. He has effectively intimidated entire cities with this crapflooding tactic, and has thus completely escaped responsibility for even his most well-documented acts of virtuous Christian violence.
For further reading, see this website that catalogs actual testimony from Fred's beaten offspring and wife. Although entirely TL;DR, it reinforces what we all knew: that Fred Phelps is--and always has been--a wife-beating, kid-smacking attention whore who only does what he does for negative attention (which he believes will get him into heaven).
Beliefs
Possibly the most remarkable thing about Phelps is that, unlike your run-of-the-mill homophobe, he hates, and campaigns against, lesbians as much as he does against gay men. No Penthouse Forum for THIS bad boy. Perhaps it is because he has managed to learn that lesbians are purported to perform superior cunnilingus, and, through his general obsession with all things queer, this has made him exceptionally fearful that they will convert America's daughters to a life of wanton pleasures of the flesh, OH NOES!!!11
Although he hates fags, he says nothing against homosexual prison rape. He has been repeatedly asked about this and refuses to answer. In fact, some sources say that he supports this practice.
—Fred Phelps, whom we're led to assume would be okay if we denied him food, water, and oxygen. | ||
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Bigotry
Fred has frequently been called a bigot by many, and, in response, he and his congregation have insisted that they are not racist, antisemitic, homophobic or just all around assholes. Fred has gone on the record saying that they have nothing against black people, claiming that it is not abomination to be black, for unlike the fags, they do not have a say-so in that matter (unless you're Michael Jackson). But, it IS an abomination to be American, Canadian, British, Irish, Australian or Swedish (because like choosing to be a filthy, filthy fag, you can also choose to have filthy, filthy Mick blood flowing through your veins). Interestingly enough, WBC only has White Americans in attendance, and since Fred is the only way to salvation (they don't believe in Jesus, as they believe many portions of The Bible are wrong and stupid), this leads to the obvious conclusion that no black people are allowed in Heaven, which is clearly how it should be.
He has also gone on jealousy-fueled tirades and smear campaigns against far more successful religions, specifically Jew (they control the media and the money that he lusts for) and Catholicism (because they get just a little more shota action in a week than he's gotten in his entire life, although he's catching up to them). These specific areas of hate have created some of the church's lulzier statements, such as the "Bloody Jews" conspiring with his hometown to silence him from speaking the truth (hey, after a few decades of putting up with him, they'd turn to anybody for help), calling the Catholic church "the world's largest pedophile machine" (this is incorrect, as that title currently belongs to 12chan) and playing the persecution card with a statement that can be best summed up as "THE HOLOCAUST IS NOTHING COMPARED TO OUR HORRIBLE TRAGEDY WHERE SOME FAGGOT TRIED TO BOMB OUR CHURCH AND NOBODY WAS HURT."[1].
Fred God also hates fat people (who doesn't?), evidenced by his crusade against Jerry Falwell and his fatness. Like all of his battles, the intensity of his hatred nearly climaxed when Jerry died. He has never forgiven him for this, mostly because he was buried with Fred's priceless collection of rare literature that Jerry borrowed from him. As soon as he's done beating that (literal) dead horse, he will proceed to protesting Valve for their anti-Christic fag leader, Gabe Newell, has committed the unpardonable sin of being fat and for making Team Fortress 2 consist of men-only teams (and Fred wasn't invited).
All things considered, one has to wonder why he hasn't been lynched yet.
Trolling
Phelps and his retinue have been noted periodically in the old media for going to the graves of men who have died of AIDS and dancing on them, even though many non-gay people have been AIDS victims (including him if there's any justice in the world).[2] He has been known to picket appearances by Canadian bands solely on the grounds that the country allows gay marriage. Most famously, he campaigned to have a monument erected in Casper, WY celebrating Matthew Shephard's murder by gay bashers. This makes Fred perhaps the ultimate IRL troll of all time. Amusingly enough, all but one or two members of the congregation at Fred's church happen to be members of his own extended family, including aunts, uncles and cousins. It's not faggotry if you're brothers, amirite?
As of late, he and his lovely congregation have taken to protesting at the funerals of dead US servicemen and women, thus successfully pissing off goddamn everyone, which is truly lulz, and causes some to question whether he is, in fact, doing it for the lulz. The Church was recently sued for 10.9 million dollars. They appealed to the public for donations, and received all the money they needed. They also recently appealed the law suit and got the 10.9 million dollars back, which Billo The Clown quickly offered to pay.
Some could say that Fred and his congregation's trolling is something to be admired, because unlike other religions, they don't devote a few hours on one day of the week to their faggotry. No, every waking moment of their lives is either spent being brainwashed by some insane old man with a long-winded criminal record or spreading the word regardless of who they're giving it to. Also, they will always be more than happy to be filmed or otherwise paid attention to by the media, as they see it as an opportunity to spread their gospel message.
One of the more noted trolls of the Phelps clan is Jonathon Baxter Phelps, who has been called the Phelps most like Fred Sr. Some of his favorite tactics include assaulting people, shrieking obscenities at passerby and threatening to rape any ladies he comes across. But, perhaps his most effective special attack is asking passing children, "Did your daddy stick his prick up your ass last night?" Experts agree that he asks this to see if he needs to pick up the slack for their fathers. As such, if the child says no (and sometimes if they say yes), Jon Phelps will rape them then and there, with his family rooting him on. Any attempt to stop the act is met with being told that you're trying to remove them of their constitutional rights and that you're a DOUBLE FAGGOT (the only thing God hates more than a regular faggot or a furry).
Some argue that the Phelps family are not in fact trolls, as they honestly believe in their valuable faith. These people are, of course, wrong.
Public Service
The Phelps family has received numerous public service awards over the years, including the Islamic-American Award for Understanding (for giving people somebody to hate more than Muslims), the SpeedyFlame Badge of Friendship (for increasing national demand for cremation), the Ba'ath Supreme Leader Medal of Honour (for trampling the morale of the foreign crusaders attacking their country), and a special commendation from the Fraternal Order of Police (for overtime hours paid).
God Hates Fag Enablers
The Westboro Baptist Church also runs a website called God Hates America, because, apparently, the United States is an evil, sinful country of fag enablers and God hates it. Fred likes to lay the blame for the 9/11 attacks on gays and other Godless heathens, and considers it "God's punishment", despite substantial evidence that Jews did WTC.
God Hates Sweden is another website run by the Phelps klan, which suggests that Sweden is a land of incest. Clearly the woman in charge of the site, Shirley Phelps, does not consider the fact that she is married to her brother to be incest.
The Phelps are in the process of completing a new website, God Hates the World, because God apparently can't stand Nigeria and Pakistan's filthy fag-loving ways, or heathens such as Jacques Cousteau.
Shirley Phelps-Roper Gets Arrested
On June 6th, 2007, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Daddy's little bitch and the most prominent Westboro member in recent years, had the book thrown at her when she went to town on a flag, and burned the hell out of it. Oh, and she endangered her kids or something. Shirley states that "It’s utter nonsense. I don’t know what else to tell you other than that we’ll see them in federal court." Considering that everyone and their dog hate the Phelps, Shirley should start praying to her Psycho-Lord to free her from guaranteed prison rape.
Fred And Shirley Banned From UK
On Friday the 20th of February 2009, Fred and his shrivelled spawn planned to come to Basingstoke, UK in order to picket a youth group production of The Laramie Project, a play about a man killed for being homosexual. Coincidentally, Phelps was at the actual Laramie incident, commencing with his usual batshit protests. Anonymous from coast to coast were charging their lazers three weeks in advance, planning to troll the living hell out of them with mankinis, gay porn, megaphones and pretending to make out with the gay protestors.
However, unfortunately for the WBC, Britain is more accepting of homosexuality than the US, and also has stricter discrimination laws. Thus, the day before they were due to arrive, the UK Home Secretary stated in no uncertain terms that if the Phelpses landed in Britain they would be shot.
—UK Border Agency | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
As a Trolling Technique
This site can often be used as a trolling technique. The most common example is to post a link in a gay community and comment about how interesting the site is. Similar reactions can be garnered in liberal communities. Alternately, one can make a comment like "You sound a lot like that Fred Phelps guy... are you related?" to an openly gay man. The reaction is often good for a few lulz. Conversely, you can use the church to troll Christian boards, where you can pretend to preach the teachings of the WBC as if it were the one and only true branch of Christianity. You can also count on seeing lulzy death threats rolling in when you go into a conservative community and make comments such as "I've never seen a more patriotic example of one's right to free speech than one of their military funeral pickets!" By using a social networking site such as facebook to spread the WBC message, you will dramatically increase the amount of butthurt fags who read this message, and therefore increase lulz by over 9000.
Taken from the facebook group dedicated to WBC, [3],
—Jeff Coburn, The Legal Eagle | ||
Ways to Troll IRL
- Remind them that they probably spend more time thinking about gay sex than actual gay people do.
- If a protester approaches you and says "God hates fags", respond by saying "He must be hatin on you a lot," or "Then switch religions. Buddha has nothing against you guys."
- Pay a gay stripper to show up for a God Hates Fags supporter's birthday and dance for him, or hire a female stripper if the supporter is a girl. Extra points if you are the stripper. Moar extra points if you perform forced anal sex.
- Check their picket schedule, meet them if they're scheduled to be in your town, and play this, or this, or this, or even better, this from the loudest speakers available to you. Record what you did, and submit the recording to YouTube for extra points.
- If you see them picketing while driving, swerve onto the sidewalk hitting at least 100 of them for OVER 9000 points. When arrested, claim that you did it for the lulz. The police will then let you go.
- Goatse
- Organize a gay pride parade with a route that crosses their picket line. (Trolls both groups!) For increased lulz, videotape from a safe distance. For more points choose a picket line that is on government property.
- Dress up as a gay Austrian and hook yourself up to your gay lover with a BDSM contraption and ask them to unlock you.
- Hold a Phelps-a-Thon where for every hour Fred Phelps and his flock protest gays, people donate a small sum of money to a gay charity. Then, after he's done protesting, send him a thank-you card showing him how much money he raised for gay rights.
- Want some real fun? Grab some leather, whips and your best man friends, get a boom box and crank [4]. Your bumping and grinding shall make the reaction quite entertaining.
- Tell them that they are the greatest fag enablers because they helped create a victim complex for the fags.
- After wiping your ass from shitting keep the toilet paper and send it to them.
- Ask them why they live in America if God hates it. Remind them that, because they are all American citizens, God hates them by default.
Additional Trolling
The Phelps' number is (785) 273-0277. http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/ask-a-question/have-missionaries-contact-me <------ Send them MORMANS!!
Also, should you enjoy being the occasional voyeur to some good 'ole trollin', Shirley is a somewhat regular lulzcow on the Dean Blundell show which can be found on CFNY 102.1 in the Toronto area from 6 - 9am EST weekdays. These trolls are good enough to make available via podcast all of their trolling successes, so jump to the site and listen in on some past conversations. Notable moments include:
- Shirley vehemently denouncing children out of wedlock, to which Dean responds by reminding her that she had a child as a single Mother, and that she is actually a slut. Shirley gets him back by saying nothing and hanging up
- Todd Shapiro, co-host on the show and noted Jew is a regular target for Shirley, and proudly sings him her version of Hava Nagila, using the words Makes Us So Happy (which she smartly abbreviates to MUSH) regarding the Haeti earthquakes.
- Many instances of Dean making or playing fart noises while Shirley speaks. As she is so highly intellerjint she normally stops and genuinely asks what the noise is. Dean usually just responds by saying he can only hear her voice, and bluntly laughs at her. It always goes right over her head.
Counter-protest Signs for even more trolling.
"Fred Phelps: Successful troll is successful."
"You ain't got no pancake mix!"
"Your cheap-ass gradient signs don't scare me."
"God hates fags. He prefers cigars."
"God hates FAQs. Ask less generic questions."
"God hates COD frag spam"
"God hates Photoshop gradients."
"Can we hurry this protest up? My arm is cramping."
"I'm with Satan."
"You're not in Kansas anymore."
"God is probably tired of these generic signs."
"You be trollin'."
"All your hate are belong to God."
"Fred Phelps is so dense, light bends around him."
"Dear God; If you're gonna smite anyone, smite Stephenie Meyer."
"WBC + 21-gun salute + good aim = Problem solved."
"Go back to Kansas so I don't get my ass sued for attempted murder."
Extra Lulz
Brent and Shirley Roper
3640 SW Churchill Rd
Topeka, KS 66604 (LOL Satan)
785-273-0277
785-273-1080
785-273-0325 new #
Fred Phelps Sr.-785-273-0325
Fred Phelps Jr-785-272-4135
Margie Phelps-785-273-7380
Shirley Phelps Roper-785-783-300
Shirley Phelps Roper Yahoo! answers account - http://answers.yahoo.com/activity?show=evXI0wGtaa
More Extra Lulz
(785) 273-0325 - Fred W. Phelps Sr., cell phone
(785) 272-4135 - Fred Phelps, Jr.
(785) 273-0529 - Benjamin Phelps
(785) 273-0277 & (785) 273-1080 - Shirley Roper
(785) 272-8559 - Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 232-2485 - Fax for Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 233-4162 - Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 233-0766 - Fax for Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 969-9017 - Steve Drain
(804) 647-9937 & (804) 690-1964 - Shirley Phelps, cell phones. Apparently out of state plan.
The News According to Phelps
Probably the best part about God Hates Fags is their news page. Here, the inbred webmaster summarizes that which Fred considers newsworthy in a lollercaust of bad grammar, utterly retarded humor, and fucking horrible formatting. Someone skipped their CSIII class.
Some prime examples of what happens when you give a redneck a computer, snatched from the God Hates Fags headlines:
- 'See you in Georgia - you corn pone hypocrites - southern hypocrites, fag feces is your grits!'
- All three (not counting me) readers of this paper really got some good education from that article - NOT!
- (Jesus, what the fuck is this, Borat?)
- Islam's Holy Book' - there's an oxymoron for you Islam and Holy in the same sentence. LOL
- 'We're #1, can't be #2 - we're gonna preach the devil outta you. LOL'
- 'Pray for more dead kids' gets play, two weekends in a row - I for one am praying for more dead kids'
- Some argue that we should follow this fine fellow's example and pray for kids to die. How about we start with his kids?
- Someone gave these nit wits the idea anyone cares what they think - WTF mate?
- The In-human (who shall shortly eat their little babies) commenting on what is 'inhumane' - that's rich!
- 'Who cares about your outrage? You have OUTRAGED GOD, you fools! Fix that! And shut the heck up.'
- THIS JUST IN: GOD APPARENTLY HATES BERNIE MAC, TOO! Sauce
- Ronnie James Dio was a satanist and changed his last name to Dio just to troll God.
WBC? In my YouTube??
HOLY SHIT! THE WBC HAS A YOUTUBE CHANNEL! They don't call themselves by the WBC, but they seem to pretty much believe the exact same things. So, it's only fair to assume that they are one and the same. Currently it's suspended, but, if it comes back (which we hope it will, for the lulz), it's MitridatesVIEvpator.
UPDATE: It appears that WBC has returned to the land of Tubes relating to You, showing us all how not gay they are with their choice of background color (because they couldn't figure out how to make rainbows in MSPaint). They are under the guise of Template:Ytlink2, and they are employing stealth levels unseen before now, cleverly hiding their identity by listing their hometown as Topeka, linking to one of their sites as their homepage, and using a picture of their protesting. Clearly, they learn from the best.
Fred's video preachings have been seen as a source of lulz by many, but due to godhatesfags.com's bandwidth of -2KB/s, it's very hard to download his sermons. Luckily, many people have volunteered to upload his videos to YouTube, and other, unreleased footage, which Fred will thoroughly deny. This man's work has caught the attention of professional video editors who have made his videos more hip, modern, and more enjoyable. Here is a fine example of the enhancements made to the original footage, now with digitally restored color and sound.
For those who fear legal action from the church for using their work for their own agendas, fear not. Unlike someone else we know, even though WBC has put a copyright on their material, each of their master's videos bears the message "You may use any of our material free of charge for any reason". If you can listen closely, you can hear somebody furiously fapping to those words.
God vs. Fred
We at Encyclopedia Dramatica realize that the best way of making people look foolish is to use their own theology against them. For instance saying Jew while being a jew seems to be a tad hypocritical. For your trolling needs, we have compiled a quick list of arguments to use against Phelps and his brainwashed, inbred minions straight from the Bible itself:
- Phelps uses whole tracts of the Old Testament to qualify his arguments, mostly from the book of Leviticus. The problem is that when Jesus came around he formed something called the "New Covenant," which means that all that stuff about sacrificing goats and shit no longer apply. So, when you follow Old Testament laws, you're not being a good Christian, you're being a dirty, ultra-orthodox Jew.
- If you followed Leviticus to a T, you're also expected to:
- Not wear fabrics made with blended fibers (so no underwear with elastic waists).
- Not shave your beard
- Two types of seed may not be planted in the same field. Too bad crop rotation is an essential part of modern farming.
- Shellfish are right out too. Goodbye, lobster dinner.
- No crossbreeding anything. Goodbye mules, as well as practically any seedless fruit.
- Tattoos are also b&.
- So is eating blood and fat. Goodbye rare steaks.
- You can't has cheeseburger, either, because Leviticus also forbids mixing meat and dairy.
- The New Testament argument against homosexuality is gleaned mostly from Paul's letter to the Corinthians. Paul's disclaimer at the beginning of this letter is that as long as you are a good Christian, the liturgy of laws he states from the Torah do not apply to you.
- Jesus himself denied the ethical code laid down by Moses because they were written over 9000 years before Jesus started his ministry and were thus totally out of date almost FOUR THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS AGO!
- God might hate fags but Jesus doesn't mention homosexuality once in the Bible. If God was so pissed at the faggots then why the hell didn't he tell his son to tell his chosen people to keep their cocks away from each other's bungholes?
- People like Phelps combine the theory of open bible interpretation (which makes sense when you think that the bible has been translated over 9000 times since the original pressing) with the thought that the Bible is totally infallible. This presents a bit of a problem for people trying to make sense of Phelps's complete lunacy.
- When a Centurion asked Jesus to heal his gay lover, Jesus called him the most faithful man in Jerusalem...OK, well the term used for "gay lover" may be interpreted different ways, but-
- We could dive into the actual language of the bible to prove him wrong, but this shit is already way waaaaay too fucking boring.
In summary of that TL;DR mess, Fred Phelps is a huge fucking hypocrite. Here endeth the lesson.
The name of our lord, Raptor Jesus. Thanks be to God. Amen.
Freddy Phelps Fanfic
God Hates Fags Slash
It's rumored that the recent invigoration of the God Hates Fags campaign has, as its source, a homosexual encounter between Fred Phelps himself and Ralph Reed, the Georgian politician. An unnamed source in Reed's campaign tells the story:
As the paint finished drying on the latest of many signs created for the recent "God Loves GA, not GAY!" tour, Fred Phelps stood and surveyed his work. Many years now he had been doing God's Work, and never had he been more proud. Just last night he had visited an Atlanta suburb with some of his flock and preached the Word to whole blocks of fag Jew Nazi sodomites. He knew that their derisive laughing just meant that the fires of Hell would burn that much hotter. He walked down to the lobby of the hotel in which they were staying for the night. He had ordered his wife down to the lobby to bring him food, like women are born to do, and she'd been too long in returning. When he reached the ground floor, he saw some kind of press event going on and figured that the dumb bitch had been impressed by all the cameras. Women. Ever since he'd slashed her hair off all those years ago, she'd been fairly plain-spoken and dressed (almost mannish), the way Phelps liked. It didn't befit god's plan, all of this fancy dressin' and speech. As he searched the crowd for his wife (to assign her an appropriate punishment) his eyes strayed along the front line of people. None other than Ralph Reed was there, politickin' his way into office. Phelps stepped forward, prepared to witness to this man the ideals which God wanted for these times, when their eyes met. An unexpected shiver ran through Phelps as his nigh-dead genitals awoke. As their gazes remained locked, Phelps knew that God was showing him, in that mysterious way of his, that REED WAS A FAG!
He knew that something must be done.
Phelps waited for the crowd to die down and then followed Reed back to his room. As Reed swiped his keycard and entered, Phelps shoved his boot into the space before the door could close. He pushed it open and walked through, letting it close behind him. His pulse and respiration quickened -- it had been some time since he'd been alone with a fag. Normally the fags mocked him, laughed as he spat the Laws of God, telling them about their futures. He was only doing God's Work, could they not see it, too? This time, however, this time, he knew that God wanted him to teach Reed a lesson. After all, he couldn't allow Reed into public office, where he could gay up all of the people who looked up for him, could he? Of course not. He stepped further into the room. It was at this point that Reed heard his leather boots scrape the carpet and turned, surprised to see Phelps in the room with him.
"I saw you in the lobby," he said. "I hoped you'd find your way to my room, but I admit that I didn't expect you here until tonight."
Phelps wasn't surprised. It was just like these sex-starved faggot Jews to come on to a good, God-fearin' man like himself.
"God sent me up here to teach you a lesson, son," Phelps sneered. "He don' like fags like you, and I'm here to make sure you know it."
"Oh, is that what you're into? I've always liked older men, you know. So, should I just jump on the bed?" he asked.
Phelps sputtered. Even as his mind recoiled in disgust and horror, part of him was intrigued. A part of him that he had buried...a part of him that he prayed to God about all those years ago. It was what had led him to become a minister at 18-- an almost-successful attempt at burying those feelings forever. Without even realizing it, he began to rationalize his actions. "What better way to discredit those abominations," he thought, "than to personally testify to how revolting the vile acts are?" Even as the thought formed, he knew what he had to do. GOD WAS TELLING HIM TO BE STRONG AND HOMOSEXUALLY FORNICATE! It was the only way to prove to the public at large how true God's Words were.
Phelps sat down on the bed and took off his trademark cowboy hat. Reed ripped off his clothes. His breath sucked in when he saw Phelps' body.
"Mmm, all these liver spots to suck on. It's like finding the raisins in the porridge of your wrinkled fat!" he exclaimed. Phelps prepared against Satan's pleasurable onslaught by thinking of the most miserable thing he could -- his wife. Reed pulled out Phelps' member and cried out joyously, "Oh yes, you're definitely among God's Chosen Blessed, aren't you?"
Phelps breathlessly whispered "Thou shalt bow before my staff and taste my healing nectar, but before that, bend over and let me fill you with the spirit."
The rest of the event passed slowly...and quickly...and slowly...and quickly...and pretty soon Reed collapsed next to him.
"Oh, that was amazing!" he cried. "I hope we can do this again, sometime...?" Phelps stared resolutely ahead, knowing that he had the perfect ammunition for his next anti-homosexual sermon. Oh yes, he knew he had it...just as he knew he'd be walking funny for the next few days."
How The Phelps Stole Buttsehcks
You find a mysterious note attached to Fred's Colon...
Every Gay down in Queerville liked Buttsehcks a lot... But the Phelps, who lived just North of Queerville, did NOT! The Phelps hated Buttsehcks! The whole Buttsehcks season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his ass didn't get screwed night. It could be, his foreskin once got filled with shite. But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his cock was two sizes too small. But, Whatever the reason, his cock or the poo, He stood there on Buttsehcks Eve, shouting at Jews, Staring down from his cave with a sour, Phelpsy frown At the pink-lighted windows below in their town. For he knew every gay down in Queerville beneath Was busy now, cleaning the cum from their teeth. "And they're putting on stockings!" he snarled with a sneer. "Tomorrow is Buttsehcks! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his Phelps fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep Buttsehcks from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew... ...All the gay girls and boys Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! Then the gays, young and old, would sit down to release. And release! And and release! And RELEASE! AND RELEASE! They would start on pink sausage, and rare gay-roast-beast Which was something the Phelps couldn't stand in the least! And THEN They'd do something he liked least of all! Every gay down in Queerville, the tall and the small, Would stand close together, with their cocks in their ring-in. They'd stand gland-in-hand, and the jizz would start flingin'! They'd fling! And they'd fling! AND they'd FLING! FLING! FLING FLING! And the more the Phelps thought of a dong in his ring The more the Phelps thought, "I must stop this whole thing! "I've spent fifty-three years in the closet by now! I MUST stop Buttsehcks from coming! ...But HOW?" Then he got an idea! An awful idea! The Phelps GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The Phelps Laughed in his throat. And he made a quick Hard Gay leather hat a coat. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Phelpsy trick! "With this hat I'll look just like that Japanese prick!" "All I need is a bear..." And the Phelps looked around. But since bears all have AIDS, there were none to be found. Did that stop the old Phelps...? No! The Phelps simply said, "If I can't find a bear, then I'll make one instead!" So he called his wife Margie. Then he took some black thread And he velcroed it all to her tits and her head. THEN He loaded some bags And smacked her old sagging cans On a ramshackle sleigh He whistled for Tim & LeAnn. Then the Phelps said, "Giddyap!" And the sleigh started down Toward the homes where the gays Lay a-snooze in their town. All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the gays were all dreaming of twinks and of bears When he came to the first house in the square. "This is stop number one," The old Phelpsy Claus hissed And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. Then he slid down the chimney, refusing all help. But if homos liked chimneys, then so could the Phelps. He got stuck only once, for a moment or two, When his penis stuck out 'cause he thought of Paul (Ru) Where the gay fishnet stockings all hung in a row. "These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, Around the whole room, and he took every present! Truncheons! And vibrators! Lube for their bums! Whips, chains and buttplugs, and clamps for their plums! And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Phelps, very nimbly, Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the gays' feast! He took spotted dick and he took the roast beast! He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash. Why, that Phelps even took their last can of gay-hash! Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee. "And NOW!" grinned the Phelps, "I will stuff up the tree!" And the Phelps grabbed the tree, and he started to shove When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast, and saw a small fagoo! Little Cindy-Lou-Gay, she was no more than two. The Phelps had been caught by this little gay daughter She'd got up to watch the prison movie on G4. She stared at the Phelps and said, "Oh, H.G., why, "Why are you taking our Buttsehcks tree? WHY?" But, you know, that old Phelps was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Hardy Gay lied, "Your tree wants to go to a march of gay pride. "So I'm taking it down to the village, my dear. "I'll buy it some crepes, Then I'll bring it back here." And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head And she watched her gay porn and then went to her bed. And when Cindy-Lou gay went to bed with her cup, HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up! Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire. Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar. On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire. And the one speck of food The he left in the house Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse. Then He did the same thing To the other gays' houses Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other gay mouses! It was quarter past dawn... All the gays, still a-bed All the gays, still a-snooze When he packed up his sled, Packed it up with their fetish gear, nylons and wrappings! The dildos and handcuffs! The trimmings! The trappings! Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit, He rode to the tiptop to dump it! "Pooh-pooh to the gays!" he was Phelps-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Buttsehcks is coming! "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two "The all the gays down in Queerville will all cry BOO-HOO!" "That's a noise," grinned the Phelps, "That I simply must hear!" So he paused. And the Phelps put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow... But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Queerville! The Phelps popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every gay down in Queerville, the tall and the small, Was fucking! Without any sex toys at all! He HADN'T stopped faggots from cumming! THEY CAME! Somehow or other, they came just the same! And the Phelps, with his Phelps-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so? It came without nitrates! It came without drag! "It came without lubricants, ropes or ball gags!" And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore. Then the Phelps thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Buttsehcks," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. "Maybe Buttsehcks...perhaps...means a little bit more!" And what happened then...? Well...in Queerville they say That the Phelps's small cock grew three sizes that day! And the minute his penis felt stuffy and tight, He jismed his load through the bright morning light And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast! And the Phelps- -HE HIMSELF- Yes, he screwed the roast beast!
Fred moves on to protest pedophiles
-Fred Phelps, deciding that it's cool to protest high schools.
Today is Tuesday, March 30th, 2010. Tomorrow, at 7:15 AM at the address listed, Freddy the Clown is going to protest in front of the high school known as Saint Thomas Aquinas. Apparently he's not above suing teenagers. Anonymous is encouraged to kindly go to the address listed above and troll the protesters in front of live video.
The Aftermath
Update: The protest was as usual, populated by fucktards. About ten protesters including Fred Phelps were on the scene. Fortunately, a grand amount of lulz insued as the students of Saint Thomas Aquinas pulled multiple pranks on the protesters. These included but were not limited to: Senior students throwing dildos and strapons at the protesters, students wearing shirts proclaiming "I'm a faggot," protesters protesting the protesters, two men grinding together in front of the protesters, and a student finding this page, printing off a poster of the tranvestite photoshop farther up this page, and shoving it in front of Fred Phelps himself.
The protest lasted for around an hour, after which the butthurt protesters walked to the Dairy Queen down the street for some ice cream and milkshakes.
The Future
At some point, that old reptile Fred Phelps WILL eventually stop breathing everyone elses air. But before that laughable crumb of dried iguana-shit he calls his "soul" plummets screaming into an afterlife filled with sodomy by Satan, he himself will have to have a funeral. It will be inevitable that people will protest his funeral.
Phelps deserves more than merely a few angry vets waving signs and chanting. A true warrior of the Lulz must crash the funeral itself, and perform a live-action real time re-enactment of the Funeral of GG Allin, followed by a re-enactment of the Nero burning down the City of Rome.
As the Good Book says: Do under others as they have done unto you. So it's only fair. Besides, who doesn't love an sexorcism, followed by a lizard corpse bonfire followed by a church-full of fundie jackasses being forced to martyr themselves for their irrelevant Cosmic Jewish Zombie deity?
Whiny furries and commies. That's who.
Videos
Previous Video | Next Video
More Videos
- Margie Phelps getting owned by radio guys (part 1)
- Margie Phelps getting owned by radio guys (part 2)
- Phelps' granddaughters. Needs some rule 34.
- Michael Moore succesfully trolling the shit out of the Phelps'
See also
- Donnie Davies
- Baptist
- Martin Ssempa
- Pat Robertson
- Ted Haggard
- christianhillbilly
- Preacher717
- Matthew Shepard
- Ann Coulter
- George W. Bush
- Chris Forcand
- Truth
- tl;dr
External Links
- God hates fags
God Hates Twitter FagsHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, IT'S A TROLL- Their picket schedule
- Picketing Obama Dec 13th and 16th
- Extreme Makeover: 'God Hates Fags' Edition
- Wikimedia hates friends of fags
- The only remotely funny part of wikipedia
- How do i raided WBC???
- Fred Phelps preachifying set to some wicked Phat Beatz
- Music videos of GHF! Tons of lulz!
- A man who remasters Fred's sermons
- Britfags to Americunts: Keep these faggots on your side of the Atlantic
- BBC: Anti-gay Preachers Banned From UK
- Daily Telegraph: US Church With Calls For Homosexuals To Be Killed Banned From UK
- WBC rages and BAWWWWWs over UK ban
Other Things God Hates
- God Hates Jews
- God Hates Rags
- God Hates Shrimp
- God Hates Figs (inactive)
- God Hates Homophobes
- God Hates Fred Phelps
- God Hates Jameth (inactive)
- God Hates Globes
- God Hates Sweden
- God Hates America
- God Hates Furfags Confirmed by Westboro.
- God Hates Twilight So do we.
- God Hates Ireland
- God Hates Tornadoes * Some jokes include meteorological jargon
- God Hates God Who knew.
- God Hates Elves Of course he does... pointy-eared twats...
- God hates Goths
- God Hates Shirley Phelps
- God Hates Santa Claus
- God Hates Lady GaGa
- God Hates High School
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