Mediacrat Voicemails

A series of two voicemails received from Mediacrat by Jameth while the former was on his psychotic manhunt for Andrewpants in San Francisco at the height of the Mediacrat fiasco. (For full details, please see the Mediacrat entry.) Jameth posted the voicemails to the Internets, and thus many of the most famous Mediacrat catchphrases were born.

The Mediacrat Voicemails led directly to the

Mediacrat Voicemail Techno Remix

by DGT and The Ballad of J by D. Roberts Keenan

Transcripts

Voicemail the First

First voicemail (.OGG)

(.MP3)

Hello James, this is Joshua Williams, or that is my formal legal name. I'm calling to inform you that I do, um, intend to file a restraining order against you, and I do intend to extract Andrew's personal information from you, which I demand at least by eight p.m. today in my, um, at my Yahoo address (just so you know, you can't email my academic one). It's H-E-Y-Y-S-H-W-A-H at Yahoo dot com.

What I'm expecting from you, James, is every bit of information you know about Andrew, and if I don't get that, you'll be speaking with the, with a police officer by eight-ten.

Also, I would appreciate any pictures that you, that you have of incriminating evidence, and if you don't comply with this information, you will be speaking to an attorney, and you will be subpoenaed, and you will give depositions, and you will be completely drained of your personal time, and you will be defending yourself from me, because not only did you slander me in LiveJournal, you also perpetuated hurtful information of myself, you also changed the words I said, you also impersonated me by making a fake icon, you also made up stories about me, and you also got about a hundred and fifty people in on the deal.

So what I expect from you, James (Last name), is your reply with, with everything I've demanded, or you will be hearing from a lawyer, and you will be ... a suit will come against you, and you're not immune to this stuff. You might think it's dramatic, you might think it's funny, but this is serious business, and you are in trouble if you don't answer me, ok?

Eight p.m., HEY-SCHWAH (double Y), ot (sic) Yahoo dot com, with every inf--with every piece of information you can get from Andrew. I'm talking about address, phone number, where he goes to school, what he does for work, EVERY. THING. JAMES!

Goodbye.

Voicemail the Second

Second voicemail (.OGG)

(.MP3)

Hi James, uh, hold on.

(to cabbie) Can you take me to the nicest restaurant with a view ... ah, I want a view of the Golden Gate Bridge and a fine bottle of wine. Can you do that? What do you say? Where should we go? Where sho...do y...do you have a recommendation? Where's that? Ok, let's do it. Perfect.

So James, I want to tell you, you are now named in my lawsuit because you would not cooperate, and um, I tried to warn you very much so, and let me just tell you that you are in as much trouble now as Andrew, and I really tried to be your friend, and I really tried to be honest with you, but, um, you defamed me and you harassed me, and I have an, uh, as you know, an unlimited disposable income, and I will have the best attorneys, and I will have your humility, because you were wrong, and you were mean to me, and you will now pay those consequences.

This is my final contact with you, James. The next, the next communication will come from a lawyer, the last thing that you've, you'll ever mention about me in your journal is that you're being, you're being officially sued by me, or nothing at all. If you see me in a bar, you'd better not talk to me, you'd better hide, because I will go up to you and I'll humiliate you. And I'll tell everybody what you've done to me, and how sick and demented you are, with helping Andrew along with this, and just how perverted you are.

This isn't drama—this is my life. And you've ruined my life. But the good part of it is, James, I have a brand new life. And I'm rich. And I'm beautiful. And I have the perfect friends, and I have a perfect everything, and I know you do, too, so this really means nothing to you, but just so you know, you haven't won, I've won. Andrew and you and your little posse have inspired me, and given me the confidence through your obsession with me that I might be a model, and that I could be a model.

And so, in effect, thank you for the ten thousand dollars the you've already contributed, and I will be seeking damages from you, and so I'll be thanking you for money in the future.

My final words to you, James, are: I did the best I could to be a friend to you, and I did the best I could to be honest and helpful, and to be supportive of you, and I never got involved with your drama, and so what you will now do is learn the lesson that a friend is a true friend when they will just be your friend.

Goodbye.

Lyrics to "The Ballad of J"

The Ballad of J (MP3)

Can you take me to the nicest restaurant
with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge
and a fine bottle of wine?
What do you say? Where should we go?

I'm rich and I'm beautiful
And I really tried to be your friend.
I have an unlimited disposable income
and I will have your humility.

Just so you know, you haven't won—
I've won.
I'm rich and I'm beautiful.

Thank you for the ten thousand
dollars you've already contributed

A friend is a true friend
when they will just be a friend.
H-E-Y-Y-S-H-W-A-H at Yahoo dot com.
That's Hey-schwah, double Y, at Yahoo dot com
I'm rich and I'm beautiful.

You might think it's dramatic and you might think it's funny
I'm rich and I'm beautiful
My name is J, and I promise I am not
Stirring up drama.

You can never say
That I did not warn you.
In the future I will spread
Love and free technology across the planet,
Never again eat meat
Never again have to try.

Shutdown LiveJournal dot com
shutdown LiveJournal Drama dot com
shutdown Craigslist dot com

Become so powerful and so amazing
that wings sprout from my back
and I fly off into the sunset
doing every little thing that my heart has ever desired
with having the only man my heart ever could.

Just so you know, you haven't won—
I've won.
I'm rich and I'm beautiful.

Just so you know, you haven't won—
I've won.
I'm rich and I'm beautiful.

Mediacrat Voicemails is part of a series on LiveJournal Visit the LiveJournal Portal for complete coverage.