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ATHF Terrorist Attack
- ATHF redirects here. For the crappy cartoon, see Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
On Wednesday January 31, 2007, an attempted elaborate terrorist plot using sophisticated electronic children's toys was foiled in Boston, Massachusetts, USA by alert civilians who noticed suspicious-looking devices attached along transportation lines and bridges a mere two weeks after they were erected(giggle). A train passenger spied the first magnetic object, which looked like a circuit board with protruding wires, attached to a girder under Interstate 93 in the Charlestown neighborhood of Boston. A police bomb squad responded and blew up the device, leading to the shutdown of a railway station and the highway by Boston Authorities for several hours. For a while, the Coast Guard cock-blocked off a section of the Charles River. The scare forced bomb units to scramble across Boston all day.
The Devices
Suspicious package contains smiley face and middle finger- "Emergency deployment teams were sent into the center of the city immediately upon these reports. There were significant shutdowns of not only highways, but rail traffic with the MBTA," Boston Police Commissioner Ed Davis said. "Several of the devices do have common characteristics, but it is too early to say how many are connected."
- A device described by officials as a pipe bomb was found in the basement of the Tufts New England Medical Center at 185 Harrison Ave.
- Officials told the ABC affiliate it contained an electronic circuit board with some components that were "consistent with an improvised explosive device,"
- "The appearance of this device and its location are crucial," Grossman said. "This device looks like a bomb."
- "It looked like a bomb. I picked it up, pulled the tape off it, and there were batteries, two on the top and three on the bottom."
- "It was a sinister looking device," said DA Martha Coakley (moar liek Cockley amirite?), "it had a battery behind it and wires."
- "The packages in question are magnetic lights that pose no danger," Turner said in a statement.
1/31 - Nevar Forget
A statement was released by Memetnot the Chief Ruin Architect of the Mooninite cell: "On the moon, our terrorist attacks are executed solely by ravers and are brighter and more neon than you could possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain. On the moon, stopping traffic on I-93 is a sign of respect and friendship. We will plant our glorious signs everywhere! I hope you puny earth beings can see this explosion because we are doing it as hard as we can."
Arrests!
Boston police say they have made an arrest in connection to the suspicious device scare that turned out to be a marketing ploy for a television cartoon. Peter Berdvosky was arrested in Arlington Wednesday night and charged under a recently-enacted statute making it a crime to place a hoax device that results in panic.
Two men pleaded not guilty last Thursday to charges that they created panic by placing "bomb-like" electronic light boards displaying a cartoon character with an upraised middle finger throughout Boston.
Assistant Attorney General John Grossman called the light boards "bomb-like" devices and said that if they had been explosive they could have damaged transportation infrastructure in the city.
"It's clear the intent was to get attention by causing fear and unrest that there was a bomb in that location," Assistant Attorney General John Grossman said at their arraignment.
Judge Paul K. Leary told Grossman that, according to law, the suspects must intend to create a panic to be charged with placing hoax devices. Making of the Lulz
It appears the suspects had no such intent, the judge said, but the question should be discussed in a later hearing.
Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens were released on $2,500 bail, said Mike Rich, their attorney. The next pre-trial hearing is scheduled for March 7.
Press Conference
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Boston Bomb Scare Press Conference
"It's very disturbing," said Rich, "that what was just (an) employment for a struggling artist turned into some major misunderstanding."
In a news conference, Rich told reporters he had advised his clients not to discuss the incident. Stevens and Berdovsky took the podium and said they were taking questions only about haircuts in the 1970s. YEAH FUK THE SYSTEM MAN!!
When a reporter accused them of not taking the situation seriously, Stevens responded, "We're taking it very seriously." Asked another question about the case, Stevens reiterated they were answering questions only about hair and accused the reporter of not taking him and Berdovsky seriously.
Reporters did not relent and as they continued, Berdovsky disregarded their queries, saying, "That's not a hair question. I'm sorry."
"I feel like my hair is pretty perfect but altogether I want to redirect this to the haircuts of the '70s," Berdovsky said, ignoring reporters' shouts.
"I really like the one where the hair curls around to the back," Stevens replied.
"Oh yeah, that one’s so hot," Berdovsky then responded.
Frustrated reporters, trying to get the pair to respond to serious questions about the incident that at one point involved the participation of the FBI and Department of Homeland Security, finally tossed a question that gave one of them cause to reflect.
When asked whether they were afraid their hair might be cut if they are sent to prison, Berdovsky stopped his rant and answered, "Whatever happens I feel that my hair is safe at the moment."
Protest
Members of the LiveJournal Boston community planned a protest in support of the lulz, and arrived at the court house with signs. They were greeted by a swarm of media and were photographed and interviewed extensively, bringing the lulz to major media outlets nationwide. Some of the community members were contacted by Law Enforcement, because bringing the lulz is thought to be illegal by the city of Boston.
Legal Threats
- "It is unconscionable that in this post-9/11 environment that Turner Broadcasting would do something like this in an urban setting," Boston Police Superintendent Ed Davis said. "Perhaps next time they'll think twice about an ad campaign that puts a city at risk."
- "We live in a different world since 9/11," Boston Mayor Tom "Mumbles" Menino pointed out. "When 9/11 hit, that changed everything."
- Mayor Menino said the hoax cost the state and cities about $750,000. He wants Turner Broadcasting to pay for it all. "It is outrageous, in a post 9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme. I am prepared to take any and all legal action against Turner Broadcasting and its affiliates for any and all expenses incurred during the response to today’s incidents. Boston will look to coordinate our efforts going forward with Cambridge, Somerville and any other affected agencies." and “This is outrageous activity to get publicity for a failing show.”
- "We're not going to let this go without looking at the further roots of how this happened to cause the panic in this city," Attorney General Martha Coakley said before a press conference.
- "9/11!" ~ Tom Menino
The devices have been in place for two to three weeks in 10 cities: Atlanta, Austin, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia, Portland, San Francisco, and Seattle. Boston was the only city to start a Nation-wide panic, because lulz are against the law in Boston.
A Bostonians reaction to teh bombs
Inarticulate Nigger Jew Faggot (15 hours ago) : there not stupid they have done there reasearch. You dont put an add under a bridge. First, anything put under a bridge especially electronic is against the law. Second of all, 15 of them lighting up electronically makes it look like a bomb. so gets ur facts straight dumbass. I live here and were not wut u think we are
Inarticulate Nigger Jew Faggot (15 hours ago) : ur a fuckin dumbass. Its post 9/11, and anything can be mistaken for a bomb. we are not idiots u fucktard. Most of ur fucking education comes from our fucking schooling and curriculum. We have more cops here than lots of other states, and i know. overreacting??? WHEN THERE IS 15 FUCKIN ELECTRONIC DEVICES AND THEY DONT KNOW ITS AN AD OBVIOUSLY THERE GOING TO ACT CORRRESPONDINGLY. I live here, and we are not idiots and pussies douche
The intelligence expressed by the above Bostonian is highlighted by his spelling (moar liek MISspelling, amirite?) of the words "ad," "your," "what," "we're," "you,", and "they're", complete with a total disregard for proper punctuation and grammar ("gets ur facts straight dumbass", not to mention both misusing 'correspondingly' and spelling it with three 'R's.), not to mention apparently believing that Boston is a state.
The above user also adds to his reliability by implying his (or her) city's education system is superior to everyone elses in a totally yuppie-like manner, but is rendered full of shit after one reads his nearly incomprehensible message.
Because 7 years later is still post 9/11.
The Boston Tea-bag Party of 2007
Uncovering the plot: The devices were first brought to the attention of Boston officials by a British intelligence agent, known only as MR F, who was in the area trying to collect on a delinquent tax bill. When questioned about how he was able to discover the plot, MR F provided this explanation: "It was actually quite by accident. I had gone to that remote, dark area with only the hope of bumming a fag." He stated that the device was very clearly a WMD containing a total of 6 cobalt explosive canisters; the canisters were identified by the large letter 'C' that was written on each one. It would later be discovered the letter 'C' did not refer to cobalt, after rigorous tests concluded that cobalt's chemical symbol is 'Co'. Apparently batteries only come in one size in England. MR F immediately declared the sky to be falling. The drama was magnified by the fact the bomb contained a faulty timer. The lighted display indicated that the countdown had become stuck at 1 second. It also appeared that the device was transmitting rage. There was no doubt that the innocent were going to suffer— BIG TIME.
Addressing the problem: The weather forecasters in Boston immediately announced that there was a 100% chance that it was going to begin raining brimstone. Even if the bomb did not detonate the conditions were perfect for a fiery storm, as all the suck in town had created a low pressure condition which combined with the rampant stupidity that was hanging thick in the air. Once a public announcement was made declaring that the town could spontaneously combust. All residents who possessed even the slightest bit common sense GTFO; that left only stupid people to defuse the situation. It appears that the mayor of Boston may have used the mayhem to further his career by realizing he would now be able to be replace John Edwards as the Universe's Biggest Douche.
War Trials: The public's cry for swift justice went unheard because it was drowned out by hysterical laughter from 49 other states. A sweep of all parents' basements in Boston ended with the arrest of a pair of devious hippies. Since Boston had spent all of their resources earlier that day by tilting windmills there was no money left cover the expenses of a trial. There was no hope of finding 12 people who could make it to the courthouse without becoming hopelessly lost. The prosecuting attorney and the hippies were able to make a plea bargain. In exchange for the man dropping the crimes against humanity charges the hippies would plead guilty to the lesser charges of shooting the bird without a proper license. The hippies also pleaded no contest to hair related crimes of fashion and smoking in a nonsmoking area. Any officials involved in the catastrophe will be spanked with moon rocks.
After Math: When asked how things went way wrong, the mayor issued a press release claiming that all of the fail was due to the fact that Boston's usual response of '1 if by land' '2 if by sea' did not have the option of '3 if by the moon'. When taunted by people of Maine the Boston Cabal made it quite clear that "That bomb came from space and you do not own space, so stop acting like you do." All civic leaders involved will be sentenced to spending a night in a freshly painted mind room.
Prevention: The Department of Homeland Security recommends that all Americans have a supply of plastic sheets and duct tape for use in emergencies. The noble people of Maine further recommend that the duct tape be applied right directly to the mouth of Bostonians. A federal 'pity grant' will pay for training Boston law enforcement personnel the latest methods of identifying asses, elbows and holes in the ground. It should be noted that Boston has been digging the same goddamn hole in the ground for almost 20 years.
2 Million Goddamn Dollars
Turner Broadcasting has agreed to pay the city of Boston $2,000,000 to help them recover from the recent pride-obliterating bitch-slap. A spokesman for Turner's accounting firm, Dewey, Cheatum & Howe, said that any money used to purchase community pride is fully deductible. Boston plans to use the money to enhance the city's defense systems (see picture).
When asked if $2 Million was an appropriate amount, Turner Broadcasting was reported to have said: "Two million, for almost a week's worth of solid air time, including significant time on our competitors' channels, and a threefold increase to the numbers of viewers for ATHF. I think we may have gotten the better side of this deal."
Loose Facts
The Senator of Georgia has introduced legislation titled, "The Ludicrous and Inane Act of 2007". The act is expected to pass quickly. One clause in the act is referred to as the "Banhammer Imperative "; it allows the federal government to give the entire state of Massachusetts back to England in exchange for all of the vital intelligence that they have provided and a small island colony to be named later.
All Boston area television stations have been turned into Al-Jazeera affiliates.
The release of biological agents in the form of Hypno-Germs has resulted in mass lunacy.
MR F is code for 'mentally retarded foreigner'.
With all of the dirt from the 'Big Dig', almost the entire population was able to quickly bury their heads in the sand.
A current poll shows that the Mayor is now expected to be named Biggest Douche in the Universe with 100% of the votes (there is NO margin of error - for sure he is a douche.)
The terror alert was elevated from 'Clueless' to 'Ohshitmyfuckingchrist'.
Citizens of Maine have began their own big dig right on the Mass. border with the hope that maybe the state will drift out to sea.
Not Forgotten!
Martha Coakley, the DA who prosecuted the ATHF pranksters, got her ultimate comeuppance. After the long awaited death of Ted Kennedy, the soccer moms infesting the suburbs of Boston, afraid of the dangers of more lite-brite bombs, chose Coakley to be his replacement, beating out 3 other candidates favored by the thinking people in the state. Thanks to her persecution of Peter and Sean, along with her history of sending many other innocent people to jail, and just generally being a ravingly evil bitch, she lost hard to a Republican who's only claim to fame was posing nude for Cosmo.
The witch was not yet dead, and tried running again, this time getting the nomination for governor when the sane Democrats split their votes between two other candidates. Again she lost hard, and now the most infamously liberal state in the country has another Republican governor.
See Also
- The Boston Fail Party
- Aqua Teen Hunger Force
- LED
- Boston
- Connex Trains pwn3d
- singularitarianism
- Boston Marathon Bombing - another bombing that happened 6 years later.
Link to debate itself and other irrelevant crap
External NonLulzy News Sources
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ATHF Terrorist Attack is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |