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LOLympic Games
The 2008 Beijing Olympics marks a crucial turning point in China's history. For decades they've wanted to play with the big boys of the international scene, but have been crucially held back by international distrust, their human rights abuses and the biggest fashion disaster in human history.
In an effort to increase their power level, China has desperately tried to improve their shitty country into a place worthy of hosting the Lolympics. Being allowed to host the Olympic Games is their big chance to show that they can be taken srsly. It's like the big fat downs kid being allowed up on the stage to show once and for all that he's not the scary embarrassment that threatens to beat all the other kids up when he doesn't get what he wants. This time however, instead of the stakes being a few dead arms and stolen lunch monies, it's the world and all the money in it. No matter how terrified they are of it happening, EVERYONE in the world either wants or needs the 2008 Olympic Games to go down in catastrophic, humiliating flames. China sucks and you know it. Let's keep their power level under 9,000.
Gentlemen. Prepare yourself...for the LOLYMPICS.
Pre-Game Lulz
The LOLympic Torch
ED has already extensively covered the path of the torch for great justice; however, if you can't be bothered to read the original article, just think Smokey And The Bandit meets Around The World In 80 Days. To summarize:
- Tibetfags wanted to extinguish the torch because of Tibet.
- Every other country that China shits on on a regular basis wanted to extinguish the torch to highlight their own grievances.
- Anonymous wanted to extinguish the torch for the lulz
- Nobody outside of China actually likes Chinese people.
...and so the torch limped like a wounded elephant towards the elephant's graveyard of Beijing, every footfall of its bearer crashing out the word "FAIL" and echoing on nearby security-packed buildings.
Except in America, where they put it on a fucking bus.
Godzilla Attacks China
Meanwhile, back in the motherland, preparations were underway for the games themselves. At least they were, until half a million tonnes of bright green algae came out of fucking nowhere and landed on Qingdao, the planned site of the sailing events. The world lol'd as footage filtered through a country that had woken up one morning to find that Godzilla had decided to have a marathon session of armbreaker masturbation right on their doorstep.
Ten thousand Chinese troops were deployed to clean up the gunk with whatever the semen-related equivalent of a pooper-scooper is. The United Nations also sent a detachment of soldiers to hold up pictures of Hillary Clinton and GayDiamond for the monster, while America deployed a seven-hundred foot long teaspoon.
Hilarious video; looks like Lowtax sneezed or something.
Filthy Chinese Are Filthy
Ha ha! We joke, of course. The real culprit was, of course, pollution (although pollution created Godzilla so technically we were still right). The quality of China's air is a legend to environmentalists; in 2006 the pollution index in Hong Kong stood at 148 (more than 100 is harmful to humans). That month's Hong Kong Marathon saw twenty runners sent to the hospital with respiratory problems, and for epic lulz one actually dropped dead before he reached the finish line.
The severity of the situation is under debate. Wingnut tree-hugger blogs predict "Deaths of runners and cyclists" before the games are over, which would certainly be pretty ^_^. At the other end of the scale, Chinese officials have been "Downplaying" the risks from low air quality.
Obviously the plans hastily being made for an emergency backup plan for the footrace events are to make the athletes feel special and loved, or because of rain or stingrays or something. Sadly we never got to know which one was the case, as reporters arriving in the Olympic Village found their attempts to communicate with the outside world flummoxed by the Great Firewall of China (which, while useless against Chinese Anons, is super-effective against normal people.)
How Do I Watched Gaeymz?
The vast majority of people attending the games are from outside of China. It turns out the people of China barely know how to do complex things like go to a stadium and watch a game. The Chinese government has been holding "voluntary" training sessions so as their people won't cheer for the wrong teams.
Complex and highly nuanced stadium techniques are taught like "watching", "clapping", "rooting", "raising-the-roof", and controlled non-tsunami waves.
Chinese Olympic officials confirm that the events are being so poorly attended that they are paying people to sit in the audience to improve the atmosphere. Lulz.
2008 LOLI-mpics: Pedobear in BeiChing
Pedobear has long been a big fan and a frequent visitor of Asia.
From Thai orphanages and Laotian brothels to the slums of Cambodia, PB has for years helped the poor and the underprivileged.
Kuma-kun has always been a staunch believer in the basic right of every loli to be fucked, and because of that has often criticized the Chinese government's spotty human-rights record.
The Peking Olympics (LOL moar liek PEEKING LOLI PICS amirite?) changed all that.
Feel Free to Fap, you sick fucks!
The pink one:
"Samantha?! You whore! We're through!"
The cameraman:
"must-kneel-to-conceal-erection..."
Meet Kexin He. Although only 14, she happens to be good with those uneven bars, better than the Russian-born fat, ugly, jew-nosed star of the U.S. gymnastic team.
With a wave of the magic wand, (see ugly stick below) the Communist Party (CP for short) bumped her to the respectable age of 16!
Result: Pedobear Loevs China!
So many pics, so little time to fap.
Just in case one loli wasn't enough to sway the pedo judges, the Glorious People's Party hedged their bet.
Meet LOLImpian numero duo: YuYuan Jiang.
Like her prettier teammate KeXin, she is 14 16 in the body of a supple 11-year-old.
The IOC, ever eager to fap to underage, tight-bikini-clad contortionists, decided not to investigate. IOC TO PROBE CHINESE LOLIS!!!!!!ONEONEONE
DISREGARD THAT, IOC SUX COX!!!EIGHTEIGHTAUGHTEIGHT:
Pedos, among my haxxors?
A "computer security expert" just feretted out proof positive of KeXin's lolihood!
He just couldn't bear fapping to her pix without being 100% sure that she is a boner-fide looli.
Moar.
In related news:
Chris Hansen approves
NBC, home of that seat show, has always been your average pedo's network of choice. Never has this been more evident than when their LOLympics coverage, which theretofore produced Idol-like ratings, dropped by five points (the audiences of Showtime and HBO combined):
Expect a new To Catch a Predator: Beijing Olympics episode starring your favorite Olympic athletes from around the world in the coming months.
First Kill!!!1
Days before the opening ceremony, Beijing claimed its first foreignfag victim.
Cause of death: DEADLY MANHOLE!!!
No, not that one.
Apparently, the Chinese economic miracle only applies to wealthy businessmen and their corrupt government enablers.
Most of the populace are still reduced to, for instance, foraging for scrap metal to buy a bowl of rice for their family.
If it ain't bolted down...MANHOLE COVERS have been disappearing from Beijing streets at the rate of 24,000 a year!
Ironically, the iron they were melted into was used to build the LOLympics stadium.
A missing manhole cover was to be the demise of one Ann DeWaters, a 25-year-old volunteer worker from Chicago.
This death was covered up by Chinese media (surprise!) as well as their Beautiful Kingdom counterparts.
She must have been really ugly to not have jump-started the Missing/Dead White Womyn circus.
Don't be a dumb slut and watch your step in China!
Footnote
The torch finally showed up on the 8th of August - 08.08.08, possibly because eight is a sacred number to the Chinese or possibly because the Chinese government just wanted the 080808 GET. Nothing embarrassing or lulzy happened, but credit where credit's due, it was pretty fucking cool. The torch dude turned up, flew into the air and then jogged in the air around the rim of the stadium as a gigantic scroll made of light unrolled around him, then used the torch to light a gigantic, fizzling fuse which ignited the beacon. Looks like those demotivators of Chinese guys flying were real, after all.
Americunts didn't watch it live due to the fact that there was not anything in it that made China look as they are; a shitty Communist nation without any redeemable qualities.Everyone else agreed that the evening had been one of considerable win and awesome. DISREGARD THAT. It looks like the Chinese faked the fireworks and the music and now everyone is BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWing. Also, remember those tai chi masters movin' around like fags? All 2008 of them had been imprisoned where they were forced to train for the Olympic ceremony. No wonder they were so synchronized!
They had NO IDEA what they were in for.
Let The Games Begin
Day 1
OMG RAEP!
The games had already got off to a flying start thanks to delicious Olympic Torch protestfag Christina Chan. Entering the stadium with a placard bearing a Canadian flag, she quickly shed the Canuck colors to reveal the flag of Tibet. Officials asked her to leave, as it was illegal to display any flags representing countries not represented at the event. She refused, and the resulting pics kept many warm that night.
Chan-chan was not arrested or charged. She was, however, invited to a slumber party, where there was probably a pillow fight and much giggling. Then one of the other girls grabbed her pajamas too hard by accident, her jacket came open, and she was all rosy-faced and sweaty from the pillow-fighting. Then they spent the rest of the night being forced to dive for tuna as punishment. Yes.
Some protesters got bundled up and b& from the horse dressage event too, but they were old or something.
An Hero
By far the most impressive thing to happen on the first day, though, happened not in the venues but several miles away on the Beijing drum tower.
Random sick fuck Tang Yongming, 47, pulled a knife and without warning started to carve his way into a group of tourists. He managed to kill Hugh McCutcheon (father in law of the U.S. Volleyball team coach) and to hospitalize his wife and the tour guide with life threatening injuries; his work done, he then DOVE STRAIGHT OFF THE TOWER TO HIS DEATH.
A shocked onlooker was quoted by the Chinese press as saying "Holy fucking shit! That guy just cut up some dudes and then faceplanted twenty meters straight down! What the FUCK!?" Another, visibly choking back tears, could only say "So...much...win..." Olympic judges watching from the ground rated the dive as a 8.5, 9.0, and 8.7 thus giving China their first gold medal since Yongming was the only competitor in the an hero diving competition, even though he was only doing it for the lulz.
President Bush was reported to be "saddened" by the attack. Next week: America bombs China.
Day 2
The Devil Went Down To Georgia
Meanwheil, back in the Caucasus, a sudden and unexplainable outbreak of asplosions was ruining lawns and frightening small animals all over the peaceful suburb of South Ossetia. Despite the thunderous slam-dunk of drama performed by an old Chinese psycho the previous day (with his face), the canny Georgians saw a natural gap in the marked and threatened to withdraw from the games if other countries don't condemn Putin and his militarism.
Needless to say, Bush - already saddened by the aforementioned murder of an American citizen - was inconsolable. He sent National Guard soldiers to Georgia to drive out Russian troops only to find out it was the wrong Georgia. This became evident when soldiers ran into black people drinking Kool-aid from Mason Jars, living in shacks, puffing on weed and the titties of each others' wives and girlfriends. Everyone knows there are no black people anywhere near Russia.
Footnote: After playing beach volleyball with the two pictured right, one of them offered her hind quarters to Alpha Male Bush for no-strings slapping, whereupon the Commander-in-Chief gave a backhanded-"who's your daddy" on the small of her back.
And if that's not proof that we need to bring Clinton back RIGHT FUCKING NOW then we're voting for McCain. DISREGARD THAT, HE SUCKS COCKS!!!!!!
Britain's Synchronized Divers Made of Sage And Fail
Day Two also saw the debut of British synchronized diver Heather Sage.
Under normal circumstances this would be a crappy 4chan pun dragged out to a paragraph and a half via some sort of Pool's Closed joke, were it not for her magnificently creepy face. Look at her. It's like she's got a tiny tiny face in the middle of a normal person's head. Like she was genetically engineered to have unsettling little piss-holes curved like cruel hooks as facial features, so that less water will get into them when she dives. Also, she kinda looks like Chuggo with downs.
Day 3
Things To Do in Newcastle When You're Dead
Absolutely NOTHING funny happened at the Olympics today. No kidnappings, no rape, nobody killed by surprised airborne midgets, nothing.
Panicking at a lack of Chinese dramafuel to keep the room warmed, the BBC focused on the story of Xi Zhou and Zhen Xing Yang, a pair of students whose study at Newcastle University was rudely interrupted when a lunatic burst into their flat and carved them into tiny, tiny, pieces.
Usually the fodder of a slow news day, but they're Chinese so it's news now. Look. Look at them being Chinese. See how Chinese and dead from stabs they are.
Day 4
It's Caturday, Bitches. Drown Some Fucking Cats.
Detectives investigating the scene of the murder in England have discovered a dead cat in a washing-up bowl of water under the sink. According to news reports they claim this may be a "Vital Clue". This has nothing to do with the murder; they were looking for a clue to the mystery of whether Xi or Zhen was the girl. Even the most powerful microscopes the Grissom has in the lab are still unable to detect the breasts of an Asian female or the penis of the male.
As a result of the police find, Anonymous has declared the matter to now be serious business and has placed a bounty on the killer's head.
Day 5
¡Viva España!
Not content with letting the other countries have all the fun, Spain decided they would like get in on the action, as well: namely, that of the racist trolling variety. On August 12th, a photo surfaced of the Spanish basketball team posing for an ad while pulling the outer edges of their eyes apart with their fingers to make them look more squinted and azn-like (or "slit-eyed" as the BBC like to say LOL)
Reportedly, the photo was taken prior to the start of the games, and has been featured in a few different Spanish magazines. A second photo was then taken of them doing the same thing with their middle fingers for the lulz. This blatantly racist and extremely lulzy act has been the source of all sorts of drama in many parts of the world. George Wu, director of the Organization of Chinese-Americans, had this to say:
—George Wu | ||
Which is complete bullshit, because everyone knows the Olympics are not about world unity, but about living vicariously through athletes that just happen to inhabit the same chunk of land as you so that you can have shit-talking rights on foreigners for a couple of years...and for fapping to young female gymnasts. Anyway, here's a link.
Ugly People Can't Sing!
Yang Peiyi, winner of an American Idol-style talent search for opening ceremony singers was told to GTFO at the last minute because somehow, the Chinese government was able to find the single lightswitch in the entire country and retched at her goatse-like visage once they pedaled up enough energy into the generator to turn the light on. According to highly trained Sino-pedologists, her teeth are uneven, so she was replaced by Asianly interchangeable Lin Miaoke, who lip-synced the international hot summer jam "Ode the Motherland" with Yang's voice.
The Chinese gave the official reason that they had to put the interests of their nation first. It's a good thing that being publicly told you're ugly by an authority figure doesn't fuck little girls up for life, because this one just got told by the GOVERNMENT that she is SO UGLY THAT SHE IS A THREAT TO THE COUNTRY.
For punishing a little girl for not having the face of an adult woman, it is rumored that Pedobear is flying in from Thailand to PERSONALLY transfer the "World's Biggest Race Of Pedophiles" award away from the Japanese. You know, once he takes care of a few things.
To cap it all off, Yang didn't actually mind being told that her face would ruin the Olympics and said "I felt pretty in the beautiful red dress they gave me," making this possibly the worst thing that has ever happened (until the day she figures out that she was had and decides to go be the next Nevada-Tan).
Cheerin
Corie Mae Calluca discovers she has no life.
Day 6
MOAR RAEP! (or: The Jig Is Up)
Well, we all secretly hoped FUCKING KNEW it was going to happen eventually. After nearly a whole week of being on their best behavior and pretending to be a normal country, Chinese police finally flipped their lid at a Free Tibet protest and introduced ITN's Jon Ray to the national pastime of pummeling the fuck out of journalists. IMMA JOURNALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!
Warning: The following video contains footage of a seriously WTF-ed pasty white boy. ED users with easily splittable sides may wish to exercise caution.
After a friendly fifteen-minute game of Bite The Curb with Chinese cultural induction officers and a stimulating conversation about his opinions of Tibet, Ray was allowed back to his paymasters to report.
What's Chinese for "This is exactly what we didn't want to happen?"
Day 7
Off The Back Of A Derricious Lorry
OK, we're gonna stop milking the Asian L/R joke now.
A week into the games, this article was already dangerously close to writing itself. That was when it was revealed that the Chinese had been illegally fielding gymnasts as young as THIRTEEN MOTHERFUCKING HOLY SHIT YEARS OLD. We're going to pass the coverage of this over to the Mercury News, because they said it better. We will, however, point out that all of you who were fapping over the girly leotard events are CRIMINALS NOW! HA HA! STUPID GWEILO, WHY YOU NOT TAKE SEAT, RIGHT OVER THERE!
—Mercury News, Silicon Valley | ||
Day 8
Hungary Takes The Gold In Forced Memes
Also of note is Hungarian weightlifter Janos Baranyai, AKA Olympic fail guy. Haha, check out this big European moose, dude! Seriously, look at him gOH JESUS HIS ARM ISN'T MEANT TO BEND THAT WAY
He dropped the weight, fell to the floor twitching and screaming in horrible pain as the New Zealandfag announcers desperately struggled to hold in their lulz. However, all is well, because the Super Chinese Censor Guys quickly rushed into the field with Beijing 2008 signs to block the horrendous sight.
This actually happened last Wednesday, but it was only by this point that /b/ had stopped fapping to dickgirls long enough to notice. Olympic fail guy went on to become a short-lived meme with a few pretty good shoops.
Slide show Of Priceless Facial Expressions
Day 9
Mass-Butthurt On The High Seas
The 49ers is a slightly different event to other Olympic wastes of time. Instead of being a single competition, it is a knockout sailing tournament based on accumulated points. This year the team from Denmark looked set to win, having as they did so many points by the end of the week that if they so much as crossed the finish line they were practically guaranteed the gold. That was, until their failboat died on the way to the event.
...and there was much rejoicing. The competitors tore into the race with renewed vigor, now having a chance to win fair and square. Just as gold for Spain and silver for Italy looked inevitable, who should come tearing up the waters, but... THE CROATIAN TEAM, who had been b& disqualified on the first leg!
Some lol'd, some WTF'd, but nobody bothered to challenge those ballsy, lulzy Croatian sons of bitches as they dived into a hopeless sprint for the finish line.
When the race was over and the Danish team got off the Croatian boat - which they had borrowed - flying the Croatian flag - and the Olympic judges had allowed this but decided not to tell any of the other competitors - the shockwaves from the drama bomb smashed crockery on the other side of the planet.
Day 10
A Challenger Appears!
Even though it won't take place for another four years, those plucky English lads with their chin-up can-do attitude are already vying with the LOLympics for laziness, spite and drama! English papers today reveal that the London games are "Short of a few bob" to the tune of a hundred million pounds.
According to the National Audit Office, aka "NAO" (no, really seriously not making this up) the funds for London 2012 may be "Unachievable," but that there was "Confidence" in the Prime Minister's pledge to put the money up. U.K. premier Gordon Brown was quoted as whistling nervously, scratching his chin and alternating his gaze between the ceiling and his shoes.
Meanwhile, a survey by The Guardian revealed that four out of five British children were either completely oblivious to the fact that the event was coming to their country, or simply did not care.
Also on this day, Usain Bolt made nigras everywhere proud when he shattered the world record in the 100 meters, in true niggardly fashion. According to Bolt, his pregame preparation included eating Chicken McNuggets, sleeping in, and generally lying around like a lazy bastard until the race started. We, the internet, salute you, Mr. Bolt. Your success, through doing nothing, gives inspiration to a new whole generation of fat layabouts with unrealistic expectations.
Day 11
Inspector LOLsworth Uncovers A Vital Clue!
So, have the Spaniards and Italians shut up about the boating yet? Nope. Their hopes were revived today, however, when it was uncovered that the Croatian boat used by the Danes to win had been - as a result of being removed from the competition - stripped of all the black boxes and anti-cheating cameras necessary for it to be enterable in the race. Therefore, not only was the Croatian vessel ineligible, they had an illegal weight advantage too.
By this point, of course, nobody actually believed that there was any reason behind the judge's decision other than "Because it would be funnier". Nonetheless, it was still amusing to see the complainants go cap-in-hand to the Olympic Committee with this evidence, convinced that they would force a reversal of the decision, only to be told "YHBT!"
Day 14
HUMAN EMOTIONS ARE COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY
Just when it looked like things couldn't get any worse for the Spanish.
- You lose your medals: Fail.
- You lose your medals, then 153 of your countrymen (including relatives in the case of one team member) get their shit ruined in a burning lolocaust at Madrid Airport: Epic Fail.
- You lose your medals, all your base blow up, then you get reprimanded by the Olympic Committee because flying the flag at half mast and wearing black armbands in a show of respect to your killed doodz, which is displaying an agenda and therefore against the rules: ???
Day 15
B& From The Habbo-lympics
In a stunning turnabout of events, the venue was actually packed this morning as the Chinese turned out in full force to see their great white yellow hope Chen Zhong get spectacularly booted square in the head by Sarah Stevenson (not pictured here as not hawt), trained in England and personally funded by Jackie Chan. All was not well, however, and the judges ruled that the kick did not count on account of the foot used being far too white.
England unleashed the fucking fury and cried to the officials, who in a move which shocked the entire cosmos, actually reversed the decision and told the Chinese girl "YHL HAND." All of which would have been great, of course, had she not been crying the tears of ultimate sadness in the locker room, and now had to be told to get out and fight.
Sad to say, she was as much use as a sack of fucked alarm clocks. The Chinese crowd, who had been growing increasingly hostile for the half hour of deliberation, now took to booing and chanting at her every time her twisted ankle forced her to wince in pain and fall over.
None of which matters a damn, of course, because THE CUBAN KICKED THE FUCKING REFEREE IN THE HEAD! Angel Matos was told by the referee that he had ten seconds to recover from his injury, then promptly b& him about a nanosecond later. We were then proud witnesses to what happens when you tell a gigantic Southern American gent that his job is to kick people. BOOM! HEADSHOT!
VIDEO: Oh, those uppity Taekwondoes!
Does Angel Mattos Have To Choke A Bitch?
-
ROUND 1! FIGHT! -
The Swedish: Last boss of the Olympics -
HEY, HEY, YOU, YOU, I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. -
Real.
Day 16
No iTunes? In my China?
First off, yes, some people actually pay for entertainment in China!
A few bawwing Tibet-loving hippie trolls, including Sting, Garbage and Dalai Lama, decided to put out an iTunes album. They were dumb enough to advertise the fact that some LOLympians downloaded it, and presto, iTunes is b& in the whole of Zhōnghuá Rénmín Gònghéguó.
Stay tuned for reports of mass suicides over not being able to download the latest Jonas Brothers tracks.
Closing Ceremony
Perhaps explaining the lack of interesting drama today, the proceedings drew to a close with yet another lavish waste of pretty fireworks and ugly women. The BBC commentator said "Isn't it a good thing that this whole event has been about the sporting achievements and not dominated by other things", and all the other commentators nodded their heads sagely and tried really hard not to giggle.
Over one thousand Chinese dancers wearing bells thronged around the stadium in cute patterns, and all the world leaders around the globe watched and smiled in a cosmopolitan, global-village, 21st century way and pretended they weren't imagining a giant kettle pouring boiling water from the sky.
Onward to 2012, then. Anonymous, begin charging.
Quotes
—www.prlog.org | ||
—Olympic Spokesman Mark Pinkstone, on Chan-chan's awesome groping. | ||
—Chen Qigang, Olympic Organizer, on Serious Business. | ||
—Chris Chase, Yahoo Sports, failing it (it is trying to explain the concept of foresight to the Spanish.) | ||
— | ||
—bbc.co.uk on the Spaniards' protest. | ||
Athens 2004: Glory Fades but Fail is Forever
Four years after Athens nearly FUBAR'ed their own Olympics by narrowly getting the venues built in time and having 14 workers DIE in the process. The U.K. online newspaper; the Daily Mail [1] reports that the Greek government has let 21 of the 22 venues fall to neglect and total decay. This is a result of building venues to promote interest in cycling, kayaking, fencing, baseball and handball and other sports that Greeks will give a rat's ass about.
At the Faliron complex, homeless black person now live in tents where Beach Volleyball was once played. The pool where diving was held is now drained and closed, It is unknown if nigras are to blame.
It is reported that the E.U. has so far paid out $600 Million for "annual maintenance". Which means it is actually costing the Eurofag taxpayers millions of Euros just to do nothing and let 21 buildings crumble into waste. For a city famous for its thousands of years old crumbling ruins they are perfectly content to let four year old sports complexes crumble like the Parthenon. As ground is breaking for the 2012 London games there are already critics who claim that like Athens these games will also end in Epic Fail. Like Athens London is using the Olympics as an attempt to clean up and modernize the ghetto of Stratford which is known for radioactive waste dumps, soot spewing factories and knife crimes.
At this pace Detroit, MI (Which tried to bid for the 1968 Games) and Camden, NJ (could be also possible as their next door neighbor Philadelphia wants to host a summer games as well) might actually have a shot. As both cities can show that they too are ghettos that are hungry for billions local and international money to be spent on dressing up their most filthiest and crime ridden parts cities for two weeks of Sports that no once cares about.
Athens, the founder and spiritual home of the Olympics has failed so bad that they will never see the games come back to their city ever again. There is fail, epic fail, then there is Athens.
Now just like Montreal CA, the nation of Greece is now going broke because of the same graft and corruption that brought the games to this country in 2004.
Past Olympic Lulz
1936, Berlin - Hitler uses the games to show off that his Aryans are superior to all else. Then gets pwned by nigra Jesse Owens. Actually, it was Hitler, not the Americans, who had respect for Owens, and they exchanged friendly gestures during the games. Upon returning to Amerikkka, Owens was promptly ignored, was kicked out of his sports clubs, and was forced to do embarrassing shit like racing horses just to make ends meet, before finally going bankrupt. His grandson now lives in Germany.
1956, Melbourne - Blood in the Water The only time on Olympic History that Water Polo became interesting. After the brutal crushing of the anti-communist revolt in Hungary by the USSR, the USSR vs. Hungary match became violent as Hungarian team decided to go for some payback. Both teams traded kicks and punches, and the match resulted in a 4-0 victory for Hungary, with Hungarian player Ervin Zador leaving the game bleeding from the face.
1968, Mexico City - Two Nigras show off the black fists in protest and get banhammered.
1972, Munich - A bunch of butthurt Muslims kidnap some Jews and they get gunned down. The U.S. men's basketball team refuses to claim their silver medals after getting screwed by the judges during the game against USSR.
1976, Montreal - These Olympics would go down in history has the biggest mass of Fail to ever visit the games.
The Olympic Flame was "electronically" transmitted via satellite from Athens to Ottawa, by means of an electronic pulse derived from the actual burning flame. From Ottawa, it was carried by hand to Montreal. After a rainstorm doused the Olympic flame a few days after the games had opened, an official relit the flame using his cigarette lighter. Organizers quickly doused it again and relit it using a backup of the original flame.
Boris Onischenko, a member of the Soviet Union's modern pentathlon team, was disqualified after it was discovered that he had rigged his épée to register a hit when there wasn't one. Because of this, the USSR modern pentathlon team was disqualified. Onischenko earned the enmity of other Soviet Olympic team members: for example, USSR volleyball team members threatened to throw him out of the hotel's window if they met him.
Canada, the host country, left with only five silver and six bronze medals. It was the first and only time to date in Olympic history that the host country of the Summer Games won no gold medals.
The East German women's swim team won all but two gold medals, though it was later learned that most of these women had been subject to testosterone injections by their own coaches and superiors.
Princess Anne of the United Kingdom was the only female competitor not to have to submit to a sex test. She was a member of her country's equestrian team.
The Olympics were a financial disaster for Montreal, as the city faced debts for 30 years after the Games had finished. The Olympic Stadium, a daring design of French architect Roger Taillibert, remains a lasting monument to the huge deficit and as such is known as the Big Owe; it never had an effective retractable roof, and the tower was completed only after the Olympics. In December 2006 the stadium's costs were finally paid in full.The total expenditure (including repairs, renovations, construction, interest, and inflation) amounted to C$1.61 billion. Today, despite its huge cost, the stadium is devoid of a major tenant, after the Montreal Expos moved in 2005.
1980, Moscow - The USA and its allies boycott the games over USSR's invasion of Afganistan.
1984, Los Angeles - USSR and friends return the favor and boycott the games. McDonald's as a promotion held the "When the U.S. Wins, You Win" scratch off contest. Prizes are awarded if the US team wins the gold in specific events. Most of the gold medal awards were for events the Eastern Bloc was expected to win in. Gold for a Big Mac, Silver for Fries and Bronze for a Coke. With the commie boycott the US was unopposed in most events which led to a almost total financial disaster as McDonald's lost millions of dollars in free food giveaways.
1988, Seoul Korea - The Pool has AIDS. Greg Louganis, the HIV positive diver wins two gold medals even after hitting his head on the diving board and bleeding. Pool was not closed. Canadian runner Ben Johnson is stripped of his medals due to steroids.
1994, Lillehammer - Rumble on the Ice: A month before the games began, Tonya Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly hired Shane Stant to club fellow female figure skater Nancy Kerrigan in the knee at a Skating competition in Detroit. In the end, at Hamar Olympic Amphitheatre, Nancy Kerrigan went on to win the silver medal, behind Oksana Baiul of Ukraine. Tonya Harding finished 8th and was later banned from competitive figure skating for life by the U.S. Figure Skating Association and went on to release a soul searing sex tape and a short term career in amateurish female boxing.
1996, Atlanta - Eric Rudolf decides to bomb the Centennial Park. In the chaos, the FBI, being the master sleuths they are, accuse and go after the wrong man.
2000, Sydney - These games made history for having the lowest television ratings of all time due to the public not giving a shit. U.S. athletes Marion Jones and the 400 Meter relay team had their medals stripped due to steroids. THIS JUST IN...It is now reported that 8 years after the games the Melborne SymPHONY Orchestra admits they were miming to recorded music in the opening ceremony, just beating out the Chinese in fakery by eight years.
2002, Salt Lake - It is discovered that the city was awarded the games through the time honored tradition of BRIBERY. At the opening ceremony performing artist R. Kelly preformed his hit single "World's Greatest" months before he is indicted on CP and his pissing videos appear on the internets.
2010 Vancouver Winter Games
To start things off, Georgian Luger Nodar Kumaritashvili gets killed prior to the games.
French Speaking Canadians were butthurt because they were not represented on the opening ceremonies.
The four way torch lighting failed to work properly.
The Men's 500 metres speed skating event was delayed for over an hour at the Richmond Olympic Oval when both ice resurfacers experienced mechanical failures and a third ice machine was unable to resurface the ice properly. At least one skater withdrew from the race because of the delay and other racers stated that the delay hurt their race times.
Faggotry on Ice - US figure skater Johnny Wier made PETA butthurt for wearing fur to look like a total fucktard on ice.
Some time after winning their gold medal in the finals of the women's hockey tournament, a 2 - 0 victory over the United States on February 25, 2010, several members of the Canadian women's hockey team celebrated on the stadium ice while drinking beer and champagne, and smoking cigars. Unbeknownst to the players they were photographed and their celebration was criticized in the media
During the Closing Ceremonies NBC thought of it proper to interrupt an hour of the broadcast to show their possible Dead on arrival reality show the Marriage Ref with Jerry Seinfeld.
"We're back in an hour with the Closing Ceremony party from Vancouver. Nickleback and Avril Lavigne are among the acts that will be performing. But right now we take you to the premiere of Jerry Seinfeld's new series, 'The Marriage Ref.' " NBC ASSHOLES
Guess what the Think that show got canceled, Then again I might not be sure as I do not watch NBC.
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| Featured article August 20, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Bikerfox |
LOLympic Games | Succeeded by Ex-Gay |