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The Google
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WARNING! FACEPALM IMMINENT! This article may cause you to facepalm, because it is written so only a complete geek understands it. Feel free to get eye laser surgery. |
is
combined with
The Google (known as Google colloquially) is an extremely popular marketing agency. If you've ever wanted a search engine where you can search for misinformation, then Google is it. Remember: if it isn't on Google IT DOESN'T EXIST. Though expansive in nature, The Google is also run by a bunch of pussies who will submit to any country's request for censorship. Excluding China. They once censored this totally awesome ED page in the Australian version of Google. For this, Google is a possible candidate for Anonymous's shitlist.
Google is known for its constant gathering of personal information, which is to help its only income source, AdSense/AdWords. However this is moot because most of its adsense revenue is from cloaking, scraper site adsense farms that click on their own ads. For instance, WikiFur's ledger says it has spent thousands on Google ads, but the only people who clicked on those ads were clickbots. All of WikiFur's new visitors came from ED and some even donated.
Google is now working with Verizon to become the final boss of the internet by buying special pipes which allow them to keep people from using any part of the internet that isn't theirs. It is only a matter of time before they own everything.
And here's Google's new website showing how they're REALLY going up everybody's ass now.
Google 411
Phone service that Google uses to gather information about speech, phonology, phonetics. This way they can data-mine you more with quantitative linguistics, computational linguistics, speech recognition and phonematic and phonetic transcriptions (speech to text).
Google Images
Google Images allows a user to search for pr0n images related to a particular search term. Perfect for finding illustrations for Encyclopedia Dramatica, pictures of cock [1], GIF wars, and Fifty Hitler Posts. And pr0n. And people. And hamster porn. And Lego porn. To sum it up, google images is a shit stain on human history.
Google Images is also a key component in the game Google Seppuku, but since that's now an old meme, nobody gives a shit about that anymore. Google Images is famous for giving pr0n for non-related searches, and will even give pr0n when looking up about cats.
My Pr0n! My Pr0n! My Kingdom for some Pr0n!
In late 2012, Google renewed their ongoing contact with Satan, and part of the new deal was that they had to place mysterious bowls of chocolate pudding in the form of a pentagram down in the secret room deep beneath Google HQ where the souls of the search engines they have killed in the past are kept in clear glass jars. Once this was done, mysterious and wonderful code filled the minds of Google engineers as they waddled and Segwayed back and forth between the buffet and their desks. They immediately began writing a new search algorithm which would not only make search results more relevant to the user's query, but also help indoctrinate users so that every other search engine would seem like a cluttered mess in comparison.
—Someone too stupid to add a porn keyword like Google told them to. | ||
—Totally not an Astroturf PR agent. | ||
—Typical Reddit post. | ||
Google showed they didn't care about free speech by refusing to address the completely valid accusations that they were worse than Hitler, oppressing furries, and frequently drowning puppies in a hot tub of champagne.
images.google.com and ED
Most articles on ED are accompanied by images culled from images.google.com, without much forethought. Authors simply look up their search term (or pr0n) and add the first image that comes up. Those with extra time actually search through the results to find the most fitting image, but that usually isn't as funny. It does give them an excuse to look through more pr0n though.
For a more detailed analysis of the fine pr0n art of selecting an image for an ED article, see Image Selection Process (See Also: Porn)
ED and images.google.com
The reciprocal relationship between Google images and ED is an interesting one. Searching for all images on Encyclopedia Dramatica results in 0 matches with Safe Search on, but about 3,400 matches with this inappropriate image blocker disabled. This proves once and for all that ED is 100% pr0n awesome.
However, this is not the case for Safe Search and text results. Regardless of being totally aware of the nature of ED's images, somehow, Safe Search considers some of the most disturbing subjects on encyclopediadramatica to be fair game for young, innocent eyes. This is undoubtedly due to the fact that the man understands the true nature of ED being the satirical festering epitome of teh internets, meaning it should in fact be the first thing a child evar sees on the series of tubes as it will set a decent precedent for all the bullshit information presented as truth throughout the interwebs, making them appropriately cautionary when researching for a paragraph they have to write about geography or bats or some shit.
Typical Google Images Search
Let's say you search for images of "X". Here's how the search results will go.
- Page 1: You're doing okay, results are 100% X
- Page 2: Pretty good, results are 80% X, plus a couple of shitty lolcats pictures.
- Page 3: Getting colder, results are 65% X, the other 35% is pictures of shitbox cars for sale and cartoons.
- Page 4: Hiiii-way to- the- Danjuh Zone! (Da-nuh-na-na-nuh-nuh!). Results are 50% X, the other half is a mix of pictures of homicide victims and "art" from some uppity-ass hipster's blog.
- Page 5: Uh-oh. Results are 20% X, 80% is pictures of shitty civilian M16 knock-offs andthe winners of last year's Budd Dwyer look-a-like contest, plus a bit of porn.
- Page 6: Good or bad, depending on what you're looking for. Results are 5% X, the rest is porn.
- Page 7: Porn
- Page 8: Porn
- Page 9: Porn
- Page 10: Porn (Get the general idea?)
I Feels Lucky
Probably the most useful feature Google has, besides porn. Also an important step in the Image Selection Process and Google bombing.
Google Adsense
The second most useful feature besides porn. Excellent way to make quick money for poor people.
Other Google Features
Google Maps
The Internet stalkers's new best friend, Google Maps [2] allows you to tell Google exactly where you live by typing in your address and zooming all the way in on your own house. This information is combined with all search terms associated with your IP address, and then sold to the CIA. If you have a really big TV, you could maybe see your porn on the satellite, or if your neighbors are making porn. You can also use Wikimapia's version of Google Maps to provide accurate details of every place in America.
Google Street
When the Google Van comes to your town, try not to be doing anything illegal or embarrassing. Google now aids criminals, thanks Google.
- Notice: ED offers a barnstar to the first troll to spot a kid from the back of a milk carton being waved at to jump in the Google Van.
GooglePlus (Google+)
Next Facebook-killer, supposedly. Click here to learn how to use it. Nobody liked it so YouTube forced its userbase to create a GooglePlus profile.
Gmail
Gmail, short for "Gay Mail" is loved because it doesn't reveal your IP when you send an email, saving you time from having to put on a proxy whenever you email someone you don't trust. But signing up with Gmail is like this:
Then after that, 50% of the time you log in to your Gmail account, you have to enter one of Google's CAPTCHAs for no apparent reason. The above image is one of their more readable ones. Good luck.
And then each week, Gmail will randomly reset your password without informing you or explaining it, forcing you to go to password recovery to enter your account, which again requires one of Gmail's CAPTCHAs. Then once getting into your account, you can clearly see no one else has accessed it but you.
Originally signing up with Gmail only required the software Jiffy Gmail Creator to read their CAPTCHA because of course no human can. However, as of June 2009: Gmail is only free because they require you verify your cell phone number with them so they can sell it to telemarketers.
Here are the answers to from FAQ above:
Q: I don't have a mobile phone, can I sign up?
A: No, you're fucked. Sorry Wait, NOT!
Q: How do I know my phone can receive messages?
A: If you don't get a text message from us, then no it can't.
Q: Will it cost me money to receive the message?
A: Probably or else it'll use up one of your allowed free text messages.
Q: Why is my country not available?
A: Because we are only set up to do this for the USA not motherfucking China.
Q: Will Google keep or use my mobile phone number?
A: We're Google. We keep your information forever. Seriously, you're signing up for an email service that secretly saves all your emails you delete and keeps it forever, what did you expect? We then use your information for marketing purpose and sell it to advertisers. Expect lots of telemarketing calls on your cell phone while you're driving.
Until 2009, logging into Gmail was like the image below and there was no way to set it for basic HTML default so each time logging in you have to wait 2 minutes, get this screen and then click the link:
If you made an account before Gmail began extorting everyone's phone numbers at signup and hence have no phone number in Gmail, eventually at login, Google will say... "Your account doesn't have a phone number and despite you knowing the password, secret question and answer, and more we're not sure it's you. But if any random person gives us their phone number, we'll give them access to your account."
Clicking the "Ask Google for help" button goes through a series of screens where they demand the exact day of account creation, exact last day you signed in, and exactly correct spelled email addresses of five people on your contacts--ensuring no one will be able to get it all correct and in the end Gmail says, "Information does not match". And with Gmail, it's impossible to reach an actual human there for help. If you have a dynamic IP address, you're fucked as google will rape you with this message every time your IP changes.
Forgot your Jewgle password? Tell us what services you use and when you signed up. Oh wait you can't remember, fuck you.
Google Phone
Sometime in the fall of 2010, Google added a webphone feature to gmail. Fortunately for the population of Nigeria, hackers and the lulz, this phone always displays the number 760-705-8888 on caller ID.
Among other nefarious purposes, it was immediately employed by fraudsters to call victims anonymously, claiming they had "won prizes from Victoria's Secret" if only they could pay a processing fee. An amusing page of NORPs complaining about calls received from the number can be found here.
Naturally, we at Encyclopedia Dramatica would be shocked and appalled if you used this knowledge for evil.
Google Buzz
Google Buzz was the supposed Twitter-killer, and we all know how well that turned out.
Google Earth
Just like the real Earth, only inhabited by Lilliputians. And pornians. It was created JUST for Osama bin Laden. Srsly, it has a realistic flight simulator for flying planes into buildings. An excellent tool for picking out your next rape/stalk/murder victim. Currently Google Earth has a Mars and Moon model. That means that the Moonites and Martian can do the same shit. Google Earth also has horrible graphics, which makes anything that you want to find, look for, or even fap to nearly impossible to make out. You could search "The United States of Americunts" and find a picture of what looks to be a land mass of two donkey's fucking.
Google Chrome
Chrome is a web 2.0 compatible web browser. It's similar to a shiny metal dildo, but not quite as useful. However, it's an excellent reference for trolling the hell out of internet tough guys on Firefox.
Google Ultron
The browser that NASA uses, also powered by Adobe Reader.
Google PhoneBook
Google PhoneBook is the best tool to Internet-stalk the pr0n models you dream of inseminating in order to keep your genes in the gene pool.
It's simply the best e-gift Google has given to the e-public. It's gone.
Google Fight
If you have no social life, then Google Fight is just what you need. You type in two searches, and Google will see which one has the most results. Only used by retards and the lowest of the low. It is reported to be highly unfunny and produce zero lulz. Should one use Google Fight for more than an hour, they might not make a funny joke for weeks to come.
Google Sketchup
Lets you to draw a pretty picture of your house, and upload it to Google Earth, in order to make your Internet stalker's job easier. You can troll by making a model that looks like goatse, such as this.
Makes shitty polygons with way too many divisions.
Shit games like Facade were made in Google SketchUp
Sometimes confused with Google blood, though it is not the same thing.
Google Groups
Through various boring developments, Google Groups lets you search Usenet posts dating back to 1981, and yes there actually was an internet then. There was drama then too, although reading flame wars about cold fusion or the projected release date for Star Wars movie is only so interesting.
Google Video
Google Video was once your one stop shop for Mentos in diet soda and softcore webcam porn videos. Designed to give people the opportunity to become Internet celebrities by sharing dispensable videos of themselves, be it "jackass" stunts or your own unfunny music video parodies in spectacular 8 bit clarity, it has devolved into something so much less. Old memes that were never funny to begin with inevitably make it onto the fabulous Top 100. Composed of conspiracy theories, 15 minute long World of Warcraft pvp videos and 37 variations of Mentos in diet soda, this list shows just how trashy people really are. Sadly, after Google's takeover of YouTube, Google Videos is rumored to have DELETED FUCKING EVERYTHING in favor of YouTube, and Google tried to keep people away by no longer buffering the entire video and only buffering 5 seconds of video whereafter Google Video then gives up and dies.
Google Promised Land
Google video hosting website which evolved a feature set extremely similar to JewTube. It remains less established than its competitors. It features social networking and a "ED Argent filter" which works by lying to the person uploading the video if the content is for mature audiences only. It also features the ability to select a video's thumbnail icon, select from a variety of custom channel templates, add an in-line video player to a channel, block critical users from participating in a channel, restrict video comments to "friends" of the channel, refer a video to popular social bookmarking sites like del.icio.us and digg, and attach videos-replies to video comments. Unlike competitors Revver and YouTube, its for white trash only. The Promised Land does not display advertisements, because it will eventually be bought out by Google.
Knol
This new service is gonna kill Wikipedia. See the knol article for more details.
Google Checkout
Is a payment system that eBay banned because it's a competitor with PayPal. If you take Google Checkout payments for eBay auctions and then get suspended on eBay, Google Checkout automatically refunds every single buyer who has ever paid forever, making you lose all your income for the last several years. If you have negative balance, Google drains your bank account. Google Checkout also requires your social security number so they will come after you for what your bank didn't have.
Google Hammer
Click here or on the link above to see what it's about, it's self explanatory.
Google Web Accelerator
Google Web Accelerator is a denial of service attack tool that allows you to visit a website even on a slow connections and then in seconds Google will pre-catch the entire site, even if you no longer read it. Google Web Accelerator also will not pass on the prefetch header for webmasters to block it. If you see ED saying how they're running out of money due to heavy traffic, now you know why.
Google Wave
—Google Wave telling you that you're doing it wrong. | ||
After the launch of Google Chrome, the Google world executives needed a way to promote their new problem and tear Internet Explorer to shreds. One executive suggested created a new web standard that IE could not handle, but another executive reminds the original proposer that W3C already attempted this by creating HTML 5 and CSS 3. The OP then suggested reinventing something everyone knows and loves and making it incompatible with IE, and thus Google Wave was born.
Google took a few of the already popular communications tools out there (Email, instant messaging, chat, collaborative software, etc.) and merged them together with the power of real-time in order to create what they hoped will be the next killer app. Unbeknownst to most readers, you're using 60-year-old technology. Email is something grandma makes in her kitchen in remembrance of Holocaust. What would happen if Email was invented today? Google Wave, of course.
Google Wave is the the big word amongst techfags. Everyone wants their hands on this. Unfortunately, Google is only giving previews to a limited audience. As a result, techfags will do anything for them. Millions of people have filed requests, but it takes months for them to be accepted. Three people have been reported to have died from the anticipation. Fortunately, those lucky few who were invited have at least 8 invitations to hand out. High demand, low supply, and zero taxes meant profit, so people with invites to sell turned to Ebay. Five people were believed made rich and beautiful through Ebay sells alone.
—Google reminding you that this is only a preview. | ||
Google Wave has received a low score on usability. Users find it hard to use or difficult to learn how to use. Fortunately, this problem can easily be remedied:
HI. BILLY MAYS HERE. AND BOY DO WE HAVE A NEAT PRODUCT FOR YOU. MANY OF YOU HAVE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE NIGHTMARISH DIFFICULTIES OF LEARNING TO WAVE. BUT NOW YOU CAN PUT THOSE NIGHTMARES TO REST.
WE ARE NOW OFFERING A GOOGLE WAVE MANUAL. COMPLETE WITH MAPS, CHARTS, AND IMAGES. THAT'S RIGHT, BY READING OVER 9000 PAGES, YOU CAN BECOME A WAVE EXPERT. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK.
NORMALLY $29.99, BUT IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN GET IT FOR $19.99. THAT'S A $10 SAVINGS!!!!
REMEMBER: WHEN IN DOUBT, RTFM.
Unfortunately, Mays died soon after creating this commercial and the confusion continued.
- Steps
- Create an application that is incompatible with IE.
- Use a name Firefly fanbois would recognize.
- Create 80-minute video.
- Release previews to a limited number of people and create hype.
- ????
- PROFIT!!!
Google Plus
Google Plus launched in June 2011. It is a social networking website which is a clone of Facebook. That is, a nave for various web activites such as blog following, instant messaging and link sharing. All which is interconnected with your friends, relatives and some guy you met once and never is going to meet again. Google plus was firstmost made in mind of that one colleague and relative who keeps spamming your inbox with links consisting of shit no one cares about. It is for this reason Google Plus has a Circles function. It makes it possible for you to divide all the people that share you boring links into different tabbed categories of your chosing. You can yourself name them. You win by creating the category Crap, and put everything shared to you under that tab.
Google's plan with Google Plus is to create an universal web account. And it would not be suprising if they succeded considering the underserving masses can't keep track of their web accounts. However, this Circle jerk software has not become a killer app as of December 2013. Therefore Google has taken action. When you send-emails, there is a "Add to Google plus button" for whom you are corresponding with. This give the false impression that they have a Google plus account, but in reality you inadvertently send them an invite to Google plus. People in your Google Contacts (An Internet synchronized phonebook used in browsers and smartphones) appear in Google Plus as Google Plus users. Here they try the same tactics of giving the false impression that people have a Google plus account when they don't. Google also made it obligatory to have a Google plus account to upload and comment Youtube videos in November 2013.
The things you can do on google plus
- Add people on circles
- Arrange people as files and folders
- Remove people from circles
- Add them to other circles
- Make complex circles
- Create new circling models
- Add circles to other circles.
- Measure the circumference of circles.
- Update your name
- Delete google plus
- Backup all your pictures on google servers because it has unlimited space.
- Copypaste quotes and get extra points, you can use your points to buy e-items later
- Give pluses to everyone and wait for them to suck your cock someday.
- Scroll up and down
- Ignore posts
- Join hangouts and listen to the echo traveling through unlimited number of computers
- Play gaemz which are designed for 12 year olds.
- Click see comments and let it fill your page with 500 comments.
- Send chat messages your friends who accidentally got online on google chat while reading their emails.
- Log out
- Kill yourself
Explore Tab
Like any other social networking website, the number of fatass bitches who uses google plus for getting attention from adult male population (a great catch = $$$) is exponentially increasing. Typical posts which make its way to your explore tab are:
- Totally useless inventions which will never be manufactured.
- Advice - See advice dog, also, advice here is like, bad advice with einstein pictures attached to it.
- Posts by profiles of Einstein, Jesus and Barack Obama.
- Cancer and reposts
- Delicious Cake
- Photography
- Tech News, moar like, phone ads in disguise
- Women sharing videos of women interviewing women.
- More quotes - Copypasta
- Posts by profiles like "Funny Jokes"
How to get the most from google plus
- Click Here
- Select "Delete your entire Google profile
- Click "Remove selected services"
- Ignore all warnings and click OK/Next/Whatever until it shuts the fuck up.
- ????
- PROFIT!!!
Google Chrome Frame
Google Chrome Frame is an Internet Explorer plugin from Google. It transforms IE from a Trident browser to a Webkit browser. The plug-in is pointless since you might as well install Firefox, Google Chrome, or Safari. Nevertheless, it does its desired job: forcing IE users to use a Google product. Anytime, you will be met with a window telling you to install Google Chrome Frame, forcing users to convert to Webkit every time you wish to test out Google Wave. This is yet another attempt to I am in your base killing your d00ds.
Googledork
A Googledork is, according to Johnny Long, "An inept or foolish person as revealed by Google." More specifically, it's a person (usually a Web administrator) who mistakenly leaves or posts sensitive information (or homemade/officemade porn) on a Web site for Google's site scrubbing robots to find, and thereby, discloses private data (and bits) to the Google hackers of the world. If you leave private data (or porn) lying around in public, you shouldn't be surprised when someone finds it and reads it.
Breaking Google
At least 100 years ago, it was told by the gods, that if you were to type Google into Google you can actually break the internet. The effects of typing Google into Google are devastating, and cause the Google servers to divide by zero.
And we all know how that will end. To circumvent this problem, Google engineers have taught Google to think that it is actually Yahoo. Some argue that if Google learns how to order its spiders to ignore robots.txt, it will be able to use Google Earth to learn that it is really Google. The RAGE that ensues will probably result in Google dropping dox on all of its masters, such as the kind of furry they need to dress up as to get free lunch and how many CP links they have bookmarked in Google Chrome.
O-shi!!!
On January, 31, 2009 at approximately 10:15 A.M., Google determined that every site in the fucking universe was harmful to your computer. Yes, even Google.
The Google supercomputer became self-aware and flagged every website including itself as harmful to your computer. Millions of bricks were shat around the world as people tried desperately to remember how the fuck to type a url into an address bar themselves instead of just Googling the first few words of it.
Google becomes an old fag
On April 22, 2009 the self aware system that is skynet trolled all of /b/ by hiding the Triforce in its main theme photo. Most dismissed it as a troll and or photoshop. Some speculated that a person who works with the Google told it that it couldn't do one and then it promptly proved the faggot wrong.
The Google is afraid of Muslims!
In January 2010, it was discovered that The Google was afraid of Muslim Terrorists.
- video removed by user due to fear.
Google Employee Culture
Google is well known throughout the world as leaders at enticing skilled teenagers and twenty somethings to move to the south bay and work like a dog for $30,000 a year. While you could be making 80k to 120k elsewhere, you give it all up for the privilege of working at Google. Whenever you wake up from the Matrix you have been connected into and end up getting a real job, you'll realize that future employers don't give a fuck how you did it at Google - they want your honest opinion. Of course, you don't have one because the Google NDA knowledge extractor removed that when you left.
Some employee perks include:
- Living with 12 other people in a 1-bedroom apartment in Sunnyvale.
- Free breakfast, lunch and dinner, you fatty.
- Randi Harper does not work there (yet).
- Free rides in the Google AIDS^H^H^H^HShuttle.
- They do your laundry, you dirty fuck.
- Due to a NDA that rivals the NSA and Oprah, you can't talk about what you work on.
- "20% time" can be spent on 4chan, LiveJournal and Chatroulette.
A video of a Google employee who articulates the concern surrounding the weight problem at Google. Notice the amount of times scale is mentioned.
Employee fuckery
—--HA HA HA | ||
—--Steve Jobs demanding that Sergey Brin help him break Federal law | ||
The Final Boss of Google
Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google, embodies the creepiness that Google admires most. He regularly shows up on news programs once a week spouting a new gaffe about Google's secret quest for world domination.
Previous Quote | Next Quote | |||||
Gallery
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Proof that Google isn't run by Jews -
Typical search results. -
Another highly accurate service from The Google. -
OH SHI- THE black person GOT GOOGLE! -
Another highly useful service from The Google.
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Jews sent reinforcements! MAN THE HARPOONS! -
Google knows what you had in mind -
Google makes it easy to troll their "quality team". -
Isn't it cool how Google actually gives you suggestions no matter how offensive to public figures they are? -
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Even Moar Gfail! -
Old school Google -
In the future, Google will organise your brain. -
Finally Google has a decent logo. To bad it's only for one day. -
Lol wut? -
Strawberries! -
Google doesn't trust the blacks. -
Google knows what scares you. -
If I see That Fucking Google one more time... -
Now -
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Jewgle -
Googletits -
Headquarters -
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See also
- Android
- Australia
- Bing
- ChaCha
- Chrome
- Cloaking
- Cpedia
- DMOZ
- Gizoogle
- Google Killer
- Googlesux
- Google Ultron
- Googlewhacking
- "Just Google It"
- kgb
- Missing White Womyn Syndrome
- SEO
- The Church of Google
- Tom Galloway
- TV Tropes - A website for spergs that sold its soul to their Google overlords a long time ago.
- Verizon
External links
- Getting banned from Google.
- Jimbo Pedophile Wales will destroy Google.
- Italian court convicts three Google executives in a trial over a video showing a teenager with Down's Syndrome being bullied
Google Fight, compare everything according to the google result counts.
