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Something Awful
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This article needs a serious clean up
Somebody should do something about it. |
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Something Awful, an unfunny comedy website owned by Lowtax, and traces its roots back to the good old days of Web 1.0, where Goatse was the pinnacle of shock and the LJ in "LJ drama" did not yet exist. The whole point of Something Awful is to make jokes only self-hating nerds find funny. SA also attempts to pick on internet sub-cultures even more pathetic than they are. SA readers feel threatened by clown-like furries, tropers and juggalos, as they are all members of these subcultures themselves and fear exposure for the human detritus that they are.
—Fragmaster, head SA admin: "Welp, I guess people can run things better than us." | ||
As you all know, many faggot nerds view the internet as very serious business, and, as a result, other, slightly more useful nerds realized that mocking their only slightly-more pathetic ways was a good way to relieve stress caused by the fact that no one likes them at school, the site became very popular very quickly. The community dynamic at Something Awful changed significantly over the years, from a community dedicated to humor, to a community filled with butthurt aspies with broken hugboxes, and now to a cadre of batshit feminists, trannies, black-identifying whities, and other social justice types who regularly check their asswipe for privilege. Because of this, communities like The Something Awful Sycophant Squad had popped up, criticizing Something Awful in a way akin to how the forums operated in the early days.
Something Awful is the only site to date to hate furries and yet not manage to make said hate funny. Thus, Something Awful can possibly be said to be even more brimming full of fail than furries, since even furries are very occasionally able to successfully make fun of themselves.
Something Awful is filled with old fags (at least on the FYAD and FYAD Lite boards) as that is where /b/ got it's start from. 4chan would not be as popular as it was today if it was not for Lowtax's steaming pile of shit.
The Frontpage
Dear Richard,
A few years ago, SA went from bad to worse. Lowtax's crazy, attention whore fiance dumped him via SA's front page, detailing his foot fetish and general faggotry in what may be the one funny SA front page update since 2001. This incident was in fact so incredibly lulzy that Lowtax developed a powerful hatred of lulz itself, and would later ban them entirely from the forums. Lowtax retreated into a cocoon of butthurt, stopped writing on the site and to keep the asspie gravy train going they hired on a bunch of retarded chimps to write frontpage articles and adopted Jlist.com as a sponsor. Because of this, you had at least 30 anime tits pressing against your screen at any one time that you looked at the site begging you to come buy some disgusting tentacle rape hentai.
To make matters worse, Lowtax also introduced a LiveJournal-style feature for all the writers called Daily Dirt. Lowtax himself would oftentimes use this to express his irritation with the million juggalos who wrote him with death threats every day and toot his own horn, going on to say that if it was the webmaster of some other wonderful and successful site who was emailing him he might be at least slightly offended. None of the other writers give a shit about Daily Dirt. It's filled it with unfunny chatlogs and pictures in their computer's picture folder, when they even remember to update.
None of the Something Awful writers have yet to acknowledge the irony of making a comedic career out of ridiculing the type of sad basement dwelling otaku who beat one off to cartoons and update their LiveJournal obsessively with every thought that pops into their vapid minds, and then turning around and bombarding you with the exact same thing. Possibly because they are now rich from all of the nerds who read the front page clicking the banner ads for J-List.
The Website's Features
Awful Link of the Day
Used to feature hilariously absurd and disgusting links, but now in the day and age of a billion shrieking blogs, every Awful Link of the Day is usually an old meme.
Is my site a potential candidate for the prestigious Awful Link of the Day award?
Is it
- a web gallery displaying your quality pornographic Rugrats fan art?
- a Geocities site dedicated to ranting about how the Bible contains hidden messages about our alien overlords?
- A Geocities site dedicated to pictures of your miscarried fetus?
- A blog dedicated to how much you like anime?
- Any type of furry website?
- An internet porn site that costs money and has ugly actors?
- The website of a well-known political leader who a Something Awful writer wants to write a half-baked political rant about?
If you answered "yes" to any or all, submit it here right away
Photoshop Phriday
Every Friday, you get to wade through all of the ugly, unfunny photo manipulations the Goons shat out (made even worse by SA's shitty watermark which often takes up half of the joke itself), to find the one or two funny ones. Or you can just read it for Livestock's quips, which sound like, and are about as funny as, the output of a random Zippy-the-Pinheadism generator. However, some argue that they are actually kind of funny for something written by Livestock. In fact, most of them are ghost-written by Zach because he's usually too lazy to write them.
The only good thing that can been said about this is that, while not really an accomplishment of any kind, at least it's funnier than Fark.
Comedy Goldmine
Where all of the awful photoshops that were even too poorly made to get into Photoshop Phriday go. Also full of anecdotes written by forum members, most of which revolve around the social retardation that emanates from someone who pays money to use a message board.
The Flash Tub
The flash equivalent of diarrhea, in which a deformed troll named "Shmorky" makes surreal flash cartoons about anything that strikes his pot-addled brain as funny, such as message board posts, Internet Movie Database pages, bits of twine, and misshapen produce. Shmorky's terrible cartoons are obviously trying to hit the "so bad it's funny" margin, but have really only managed the rarely sought-after but oft-achieved "so bad" margin.
It would seem that he would get the hint of how much he blows when he releases a Playset of animations for the forum Goons to manipulate and make their own flash cartoons with. Their odd cartoons are around ninety-four times funnier than any Trash toon (YOU SEE THAT PUN THERE WOW WHAT SPARKLING WORDPLAY) he has ever concocted himself.
Perhaps the reason his cartoons are the definition of unfunny is because Shmorky is actually an undercover furry who made Living in Greytown and 
Lizard, a pair of very unfunny comics, and is hoping to bring Something Awful down from the inside.
Horrors of Porn
This is when they review really gross porn and the people who read it pretend they aren't aroused by it, then immediately download it and jack off to it.
Its claim to fame is exposing the world to Chyna's girl-penis and for creating and then reviewing the most awful porn movie ever: "Swap.avi".
Hentai "Reviews"
The same thing as Horrors of Porn, except it's just a long list of the increasingly disturbing shit that resident sick fuck Zack Parsons jacks off to. Sometimes the sheer ridiculousness of the hentai games is actually lulz-worthy despite being blatant promotions for SA's, and more recently 4Chan's main source of income, JList.
Weekend Web
Excerpts from message boards that are slightly less lame than the Awful Forums. Used to be funny, but listening to the same old jokes about sexual deviants, furries, video game nerds, 16 year old girls, Neo-Nazis, conspiracy theorists, and 80-year-old Fundamentalist Christians who post pictures of their pet cats got kind of played-out. Although goons love proclaiming the aforementioned groups' stupidity, it still stands that they're paying out the nose for the privilege of hanging off a bunch of deluded aspies' nutsacks while JuGgAlO8666 can post on a fully-functioning forum for free.
Every time a message board is featured on it, it gets trolled into oblivion by fucktards who think they are clever, whose mantra is "SOMETHING AWFUL DOT COM", which roughly translates to "HOWARD STERN RULES" in IRL speak.
They once actually did 4chan, claiming throughout that it was full of pedos. They then managed to present absolutely no evidence of this. No one knows how.
Your Band Sucks
This is a feature where Dr. David Thorpe points out what we all know: a lot of bands suck ass (essentially the modern day white people can't dance joke driven into the ground). Occasionally retarded fans take offense and send emails expressing how much of a fucking asshole David Thorpe is. Thorpe responds by posting the stupid e-mails in the column for the lulz, showing them for the crybaby pussies they are. Unfortunately, David Thorpe sucks as much as the bands he makes fun of, as he is seemingly convinced that casually mentioning Nazis in Internet columns is still offensive. He is also incapable of writing an article without the use of a thesaurus.
Fashion SWAT
Chatlogs of Dr. David Thorpe and Zach Parsons making fun of fashion. No one has ever read any of these.
The Forums
This is a fakepost, sorry.
The Something Awful forums is a well-known haven for prissy faggots and the sort of shrill he-she's that get kicked out of the local LBGT chapter for being too sensitive. You have to pay $800 per month for it, $10 more if you want to see the archives, $5 for a custom title, $4.95 for no ads (yes, they actually show ads to their paying customers), $30 for a new emoticon, $10 for a platinum account that offers unique cutting edge features such as searching (which doesn't work) and posting images, and if your wallet has not been reamed enough yet you can donate the rest, so Lowtax could buy a Korean wife and a purebred golden retriever. Because of these requirements, the average Goon is a mixture of high disposable income and low dignity.
The boring, pathologically neurotypical cretins who are such social pariahs that they have to resort to spending their (parents') money on a message board to satiate their craving for human contact call themselves "Goons", in reference to their disfigured appearance and/or ethical conduct. Goons can be separated into three categories:
- Assholes
- Neckbeards
- Assholes with neckbeards
Goons are, like the creatures featured in Cronenberg films, a special breed.
The forums, or at least the only parts anyone gives a shit about, are divided into two general categories: GBS and boards so cool they can make fun of GBS shit. GBS is teeming with a variety of whitey 2-year college intellectuals and social rejects trying too hard. The cutting-edge humor boards such as FYAD ridicule anything that can be contrued as funny or cool among the average GBS dweller in an effort to enlarge their e-penii, despite that their site hasn't been relevant in a decade. These special alpha goons often target beloved internet staples such as musical elitists, religious atheists, weeaboos, and little kids who take the web too seriously, all the while denying that they're no better (*All those obnoxious anime sigs in FYAD? Strictly ironic). Like the users on all important internet message boards, they are modern society's cultural elite.
Around 50% of the forum are obnoxious prepubescent morons who, if you were stuck in a bus with for one minute, would give you cause to forcibly remove your own earlobes and eyeballs with shattered glass to ensure not having to interact with them ever again. These lumps of spoiled meat are the typical "nerd" type, smelling of Doritos and speaking entirely in Family Guy quotes.
Another 40% are the type of cube-dwelling recluse who tend to congeal in any community when you make credit cards and misanthropy the sole arbiters of entry - sociopath yuppies, smug rich-kids, scenester scum and other "people" prone to blathering on about libertarianism, iPods and their deviant sex lives in lieu of anything approaching culture or taste. With Something Awful ostensibly being a humor forum, these topics are typically discussed in between obligatory rape and Holocaust jokes, which have yet to wear out their welcome after six straight years.
The final 10% are people who have gone several years without getting banned by the psychotic fascist moderators and thus think they're in an elite faggot club because The Internet Is Serious Business. These people typically die in drama explosions and are not missed.
All goons are self hating nerds: they come to the site to lap up Lowtax's piss from the floor of the internet and hear him tell them how much they fucking suck. Their self-hatred about the cardinal sin of having penises, compounded with a burning desire to get laid, lead them into accepting anything that batshit feminists say, as if agreeing with women and debasing yourself were the royal road to the vagina. It never works.
Each section of the forum hates the others and often will have their own ircs for huddling together while talking about how goons from every other section suck more than their own.
Goons and furries are like Bloods and Crips, if neither Bloods nor Crips got laid (and no, yiffing does not count). See salj.
Comparisons can be made between cults and the Something Awful forums. Lowtax, acting as cult leader, will excommunicate all who dare to criticize his wisdom and ability to make the lulz flow. His loyal and faithful followers will vociferously defend Lowtax's honor with flames, mud-slinging, and drama, all to get in good with the big kahuna. Perhaps some of the animosity towards Scientology on the Something Awful forums is not due to hate on principle, but because the Church of Scientology is in fact Something Awful's main competitor.
Goons identify other goons by asking one another "Do you have stairs in your house?". If you are a goon, the correct answer is "Yes, I am a faggot". This extreme faggotry comes from an ICQ prank chat log where Lowtax was acting like a robot or something.
10bux
Due to Something Awful charging $10 per forum account, when someone says or does something very stupid; or simply mouths off to an admin, someone will usually post "Hope u got 10bux, lol", often with a photographed $10 bill.
Mods
The mods of the forums are faggots just like mods of any other forums, but the SA mods feel they are entitled to extensive methods of faggotry so that they can steal money from people that pay for memberships.
Should a mod find your opinion distasteful they will reprimand you with their faggotry and should you ever reply to them you will be banned and your money stolen.
GBS
A collection of various dregs of humanity. Mostly morbidly obese nerds with neckbeards using the forum to vent and blog about their trifling and menial lives, since noone will read their LiveJournals.
For the longest time, GBS used to be cleansed of lulz and replaced by SJW warriors and ugly failures at being trannies shitting their faggotry on the forums alongside retarded circlejerks about bitcoins. However, not long after the exposure of pedophile moderator Aatrek, GBS was rechristened "GBS 2.1", and people were allowed to post the words "faggot, nigger, and tranny" without being banned. Naturally, this led to a ton of newfag tryhards posting unfunny offensive shit in an attempt to be edgy, as well a ton of whining from the buttmad trannies who were pissed their hugbox was defiled.
Doobie's Dog House: The Peak Of Gibbis Stupidity
GBS has had a ton of stupid threads, whether it be tepid trolling of conservatards on a Facebook ripoff or fellating their withered dicks over the falling price of bit-coin, but the crown jewel of utter fucktard would have to be when Goons were fucking stupid enough to fund "Doobie's Dog House"
It was a hot dog restaurant some guy in Alabama wanted to make, so he started a Kickstarter for it. Goons mocked it as retarded, but some goons led by an ubergoon mod named SoundMonkey (and an accomplice named Noni) convinced them to change their minds, and banned and probated anyone who dared disagree. 14,000 dollars was raised for this, and only after the money is pocketed it was revealed that it didn't go as well as the goons were fellating themselves raw over. SoundMonkey disappears around the time goons could finally start mocking this shit without repercussions, but not before pretending it was all for laughs (at their expense)
Later, the truth comes out when the SASSholes managed to get the Kickstarter guy to join their forums for a Q&A session, and it's revealed that in reality, he ran into more funding trouble than expected and the goons treated him like a fucking scammer because he wound up short the money he needed to cover some expenses, so they immediately turned on the guy and made him a scapegoat for their own unrealistic expectations.
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The kickstarter page for the hot dog restaurant
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Google cache version of the now deleted facebook page for the Kickstarter. -
Page 1 of a gassed minithread bitching about Soundmonkey/Noni. -
Page 2 of a gassed minithread bitching about Soundmonkey/Noni.
- Goldmined thread about the hot dog Kickstarter
- Gassed thread bitching about the hot dog Kickstarter
- Something Sensitive thread about the stupidity of the goons involved
- New SA thread with the goons acting butthurt and shitting on the kickstarter guy
- Something Sensitive Q&A thread with the Kickstarter guy.
BigPeeler
FYAD
FYAD is the cool place to hang out when compared to your parent's basement. You can find most of the cool people there. In FYAD you can just chill and do whatever and totally relax. "Take it easy" is the FYAD motto, for example, that's how laid back it is there. Show up if you want to have a good time. Another good reason to show up is if you want to hang out with 'tards.
FYAD is the coolest forum on Something Awful and is basically a cancer free /b/ since the majority of the original population of /b/ were yads' and ADTRW Anime faggots.
It is however very hard to post in FYAD as most of the time you would be told to get out or accused of being a Re-Reg if you just registered. however, you need to be accepted to post in FYAD so it is basically the cool kids club. Look at FYAD this way, it is that group of cools guys at your school all walking around joking having a good time, FYAD are those cool guys, and you're not one of them.
DocEvil
FYAD had their own admin, DocEvil, who could occasionally do cool admin things like changing the background to a different obnoxious image or tell people how many times they were reported for shitposting in Safe Zone Hugbox threads. But he never really did those two things and instead spent his time posting funny forced memes like "orb dad" and hanging out on Twitter where he could tailor his razor-sharp wit in 140 characters or less with a bunch of daycrew wallflowers and lurkers. In the summer of 2011 he tweeted "eat the eggs" to the lead singer from Smashmouth, a bold move that would spell his doom in FYAD.
Timeline of the Egg Incident
Early June 2011: DocEvil posts some dumb unfunny shit on Twitter that culminates in this heartfelt plea for Smashmouth to eat eggs. GBS, being a vile den of cancer, eagerly piles onto the bandwagon.
Late July 2011: After about a month of GBS shitting up Twitter, Facebook, and even calling him at his home (lol), Steve Harwell finally agrees to eat eggs, as long as people donate $10,000 to charity, because as everybody knows, it's irresponsible and highly bigoted to do random silly things without raising money for a worthy cause. GBS, being mostly upper-middle-class white males whose parents pay for their college, happily agrees.
August 2011: After GBS raises $10,000, Steve Harwell gets scared and tries to weasel out of the deal. Finally he ends up asking people to raise even more money ($15,000 extra, lol) so celebrity chef Guy Fieri can come and cook the eggs! Nobody raises the extra money and Fieri still ends up cooking the eggs, possibly because he's a useless failure desperate for fifteen minutes in the spotlight.
Early October 2011: On an overcast, gloomy gray day, about 100 people mill around in front of a trendy gay restaurant. Guy Fieri makes omelets with extra tabasco sauce and disgusting shit which nobody can eat. In a masterstroke, 
80s Steve Harwell calls DocEvil to come up on stage. Rather than displaying even the slightest bit of personal charisma and/or charm, DocEvil 286s lurches around awkwardly during the entire event, 134s compulsively 161s brushing 193s his 341s hair out of his face like that one goth kid from South Park and 649s nervously clutching his pink iPhone with a death grip, his knees no doubt on the brink of shaking. 2224s DocEvil got completely owned by Steve Harwell, a fat washed up shitty rocker, and Guy Fieri, a fat washed up shitty chef, and also the San Jose Shark. Yes, that's right, because he couldn't help but look terrified and picked-upon rather than relaxed, the ex-admin of FYAD 118s got publicly made fun of and 2236s basically owned by a glorified furry, while the middle-aged washout ex-celebrities end up coming off as generally okay and self-deprecating. Eventually some fat dude in the audience eats most of the eggs.
Mid October 2011: FYAD gets wind of the press coverage, featuring photos of their beloved fat admin overloard, and video of what an awkward plump apple-shaped baby-face aspergic trainwreck he is. They basically own the hell out of him and, true to his chickenshit character, DocEvil doesn't even bother showing up in FYAD anymore, instead retreating to the Front-Page Discussion forum for several months before finally gingerly stepping back into YOSPOS, his new "favorite" forum.
December 2011: DocEvil, feeling that perhaps the embarrassment has blown over, gingerly dips his toes into the shark-infested waters of FYAD. He is made fun of and is run out after like three posts. He retreats to YOSPOS, occasionally visiting ED to whine about FYAD.
TL;DR
Ozma
After DocEvil left in shame, Ozma became the de-facto FYAD admin. Like DocEvil, she's fat and unfunny, but unlike DocEvil, she doesn't really try to be funny. She mostly posts in real-talk irony-free threads about being drunk and knitting. After getting kicked out by her parents for being in "grad school" for about five years too many (in reality she sat on her fat ass eating Twinkies and knitting while modding the world's most troll free forums for the past decade) moving to Washington state to live in a shed... seriously.
OZMA DOXED POWERWORD RACHAEL EMMA LAZARUS OR Rachael Emma Gilbert
her trying to hit piano keys with her fat fingers in a bad attempt to sound like Tori Amos
rachael.emma- NEW
Eggplant Wizard
Powerword: Eleanor Jefferson
SomethingAwful moderator Eggplant Wizard is Eleanor Jefferson from the Classics department at Rutgers University who also writes rape, incest, and bestiality porn-fiction/erotica under the penname Kali Lowe.
Photos:
Contact Info
Phone:973-353-1469 Email:[email protected] Office Address:
315 Conklin Hall 175 University Ave. Newark, NJ 07102
TV IV
The TV IV subforum is basically the "sperg out over television shows and pretend fapping to Star Trek and "The Walking Dead" makes you so intellectual" forum. This forum is a massive monument to spergy TV show fandoms and their OCD faggotry of examining each minute of every episode for Shakespeare like prose and drama.
Aatrek
Aatrek (Aaron Patrick Nadler) was a member of SA since 2004 until his ass was permabanned on 21 October 2013 and a moderator the last five years of his SA tenure. He was an obsessive Trekkie that no one could stand because he dominated every Star Trek related discussion whoring for attention and drowning out opinions he didn't like using his mod powers as a club to beat the spergs who refused to see things his way into submission.
But that just sounds like your average SA mod, right?
Thing is, Aatrek told no one HE'S A CONVICTED PEDOPHILE!
That's right, the forum that shit all over Reddit for pedophiles had an actual pedophile on their staff.....FOR FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT!
To be specific, while Aatrek was a teenager, he took advantage of a babysitting job to repeatedly rape an 8 year old girl, and as soon as Lowtax and the SA mods found out about Aatrek's past courtesy of the SASSers at Something Sensitive, they threw his ass out the door.
For all the gory details, dox, and more, check out this thread.
VileRat
Vilerat aka Sean Smith was PWND in the American Embassy attack in Libya. Some say he was a gubmint mole in the SA community, and therefore the "rat" in his name. He was in Libya for disarming rebel weapons.
Honest Abe ("Call Me Abey")
Honest Abe aka Caylen Matthew Burroughs is a convicted pedophile Men's Rights Activist and moderator of the something awful forums.
People Hold Gaylen in high Opinion:
External Links
BYOB
An even shittier, unfunny circle-jerk forum for fags that drove away even its own moderators in disgust. On April 23rd 2011 a posting embargo was set forth on BYOB even though it was since moved to RFA (A forum for the shitty FYAD-LITES). Angerbot created a thread announcing that anyone who posted in BYOB would be banned. This followed with the banning of a majority of the popular BYOB posters. The thread can be seen here (a SA account may be needed). In a breaking development, your average BYOB poster is so unable to live without their internets, a gayer offsite-BYOB was opened almost-immediately here.
HD2K
The shittiest, most unfunny circle-jerk forum for fags. Helldump became so boring even Lowtax couldn't stand it anymore.
W&W
This forum is great. It's a bunch of nerdy sub-betas desperately trying to dress and look like betas, each of them locked in a never-ending battle to see who can look the blandest. Women, make sure to wear the pointiest shoes possible, and combine them with a garishly pastel peasant blouse that shows approximately no cleavage. Men, cut your hair like Gregory House and wear nothing but $400 khakis, $100 polo shirts, and maaaybe the occasional pair of Nudie Jeans. Also has an entire subforum for anorexics to talk about starving themselves and going to Gold's Gym.
To troll, simply make a post saying you love hats and wish more people would wear hats. It doesn't matter which type -- fedoras, cowboy hats, berets, tams, as long as it is not baseball cap or anything niggaz may wear. Watch goon froth in their mouths.
YOSPOS
A sublimely unfunny forum for computer nerds to parrot FYAD memes from 2006, repost cat pictures from 4chan, and talk about how much they love Apple. Seriously, these dudes really love Apple and aren't afraid to admit it. Linux? That's for hippies and "poors" (YOSPOS slang for anyone whose Daddy isn't paying off their student loans for them). Windows? More like WinBLOWS amirite. They're also not afraid to be really unfunny. Basically the result of aspies reading FYAD for a month and taking a whole bunch of ridiculously complicated overwrought notes the entire time. It's like one of those episodes of Family Matters where Urkel decides to dress like Public Enemy to impress some floozy at the high school, only without the happy ending where Urkel realizes what a tard he's been. God this forum is the worst.
YOSPOS-FYAD War
The presence of YOSPOS on the forums is a massive troll to all FYAD Posters. So on February the 1st a war was purposed it was simple. FYAD Moderators would continue to probate YOSPOS posters until Lowtax deleted YOSPOS. Which never happend and a majority of the moderators got their permissions taken away, but not banned. Because Lowtax would suck FYAD's dick if it had one
Disregard the above, it was written by a butthurt YOSPOSter. In actuality, YOSPOS fucking blows. A few YOSPOS superstars tried to post in FYAD and all the Idiot Kings repeatedly probated every single one of them for two months, in six hour increments (the maximum length a moderator can probate someone for without admin approval) until finally some IK figured out how to probate YOSPOS Superstars who hadn't posted in FYAD, and then the Idiot Kings rotated and the new batch didn't give a shit.
Disregard the above, it was written by one of the 8 people still visiting FYAD. Hitler hahahahh! Left with boring blog threads and ironic anime sigs, FYAD posters spend most of their time reading the other forums and complaining about how unfunny they are. lmao go back *deletedelete* bakc to GBS
The Great RFA Deletion
On June 2nd 2011 the bell of death tolled trolled for the Retarded Forums for Assholes. This at the time was made of BYOB,YCS,and Laizzes Faire. The popular FYAD Lites of the forums. Sometime between June 2nd 2011 Angerbot deleted BYOB, locked LF for posting, and deleted all the posts in YCS. BYOB posters were then brought to the gallows were they were hanged the resulting left YCS,BYOB, and LF to convert to Offsite forums.
Getting banned from the Something Awful forums
If there were too many lame people on the Awful forums, it would be less fruitful for the writers of the front page to steal material from them, thus, it is second to GameFAQs in terms of dickweed moderators.
Bannable offenses:
- Flaming other users
- Trolling other boards
- Simply saying you don't like Something Awful.
- Posting a one-word or emoticon catchphrase
- Using memes that did not originate from SA
- Making an introductory post
- Voting 1 on a Lowtax thread. Seriously.
- Saying "Something Awful has a front page?" or otherwise pointing out that Something Awful's front page is sub-par and not the cutting edge of comedy
- Murdering your slutty ex-girlfriend
- Making a response to someone with the letter "j" in their screenname on the second Wednesday of the month
- Questioning the need for the moderators to be gigantic fascists
- Questioning the need for the moderators to be gigantic fascists in private messages and on other forums.
- Otherwise disagreeing with the moderators
- Using the letters "e", "f", "w", "d", and "x".
- Saying the word Lulz. Srsly.
- Disliking Alanis Morisette. Not even fucking kidding.
- Contradicting feminists; refusing to blame all the world's ills on men.
- Becoming an hero. Don't want none of those ghost faggots shitting GBS up from beyond the grave, no sir!
The Lolocaust
Long ago, the posting of "furry" porn, or depictions of anthropomorphic animals committing sexual acts, was not against the forum rules in FYAD. When this happened, the poster was usually rebuked if they did not include a warning in the thread's subject text, and perhaps had their preference in pornography mocked.
As time progressed, furry threads continued to be posted, mostly if not solely in FYAD. As FYAD is not intended to have any rules, the posters were not stopped, though they were taunted endlessly by the other members of FYAD. Lowtax one day decided, however, that furry porn would no longer be allowed in FYAD, setting in motion a chain of events later to be known as the "Comedy Lolocaust."
As the first step of the Lolocaust, Lowtax created a subforum of "The Goddamn Shithouse" (a place where some FYAD-goers got their own forums and became IK of them) dedicated to the posting of furry porn, called "The Furry Concentration Camp". This kept all furry threads out of FYAD and in one central location. The denizens of this subforum, along with any others proven to have furry tendencies, were then given custom titles of a large yellow star with the title "Yiff" on top, a reference to a slang term for intercourse in the furry community. Once all of the forum's furries were identified, they were then permanently relegated to the Furry Concentration Camp.
The Camp stayed open for a number of weeks, and while furries couldn't leave the forum, others could come in. The Furry Concentration Camp was soon riddled with threads mocking furries in every way, shape and form. However, when these threads began to die down, the furries who could only post in the Camp soon began to congregate with each other, and only with each other. It became a complete community in itself.
Eventually, the "final solution" of the Lolocaust was set into place and the denizens of the FCC were finally banned, effectively ending the mass proliferation of furry porn in FYAD. Currently, anti-furryism is seen as old meme, and in general is not acceptable unless intensely humorous. Furries were, at one point, banned or ostracized, but there are now several forum members known to be furries who are generally accepted within the community.
Also, despite the one-time presence of a "Furry Concentration Camp" subforum, posting racism on SA is now a bannable offense unless the person posting it is a mod/admin, in which case objecting to racism is a bannable offense.
The Lulzocaust
A very special message was left for everyone to read this morning:
I don't expect everyone to remember every single bannable catchphrase, but just so there is no confusion, the following ones will definitely get you put on probation. Lulz will get you banned. Never use them, even if you going for ironically funny. These are being reported a lot lately, and it's a silly way to lose an account
I warned you butts that I was going to be banning anybody who seriously used the stupid catchphrase "lulz" here a long ass time ago, but nobody listened to me!
WHY
WHY DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME
- The 'Tax
Aside from showing off how he prefers catchphrase over meme, over 9,000 goons were banned for using lulz, even instances that dated before the message, therefore leaving ED/SA political relations colder than Eskimo vagoo. Ambassadors are set to make a trade delegation and present a box of AIDS as a peace offering.
Gooncon
Every year when the sun sets, hundreds of goons converge on one city to deplete its precious supply of high fructose corn syrup and ketchup packets.
The cities where Gooncons are hosted see obesity rates rise for the duration of the Gooncon, by far making the poor city the city with the highest obesity rates in the entire nation, if not the entire world. However, the massive purchasing of fast-food, Twinkies, and Doritos does bump local economies up a notch, although as one shopkeeper was quoted saying, "It's still not worth being near these pitiful fat fucks."
The Something Awful website charges people Jew or more to attend this thing, although it is so poorly managed you can just walk in. But it is recommended you don a suitable disguise, such as a neckbeard, a videogame related t-shirt, or 150 pounds of excess obesity. Using bacon fat as a shampoo will also help you fit in; the scent may attract one of the few goon girls.
There is usually one party and you will be shunned if you are anything resembling a normal person that is an active member of society.
Also, most goons are pussies that are like those nerds at parties that just hold a beer to pretend that they are "cool". And if you drink all the beer they will ask you to leave because you're getting drunk and hitting on the chicks they were just getting ready to make a move on. Seriously, just after that next beer.
Gooncon 2008
Very recently they only had 14 people descend upon the poor city chosen by the cruel whims of fate. Compare this to the 100 people who went to one in the same location, Vegas (which is still recovering from depleted Twinkie resources), 4 years ago.
Its further proof that SA is not popular; this could be due to a variety of reasons, such as SA's status as a humor graveyard, admin and moderator histrionics, or due to the goon population dwindling due to death from obesity and extremely low reproductive rates.
Old Memes that SA is responsible for
Note: While Something Awful might be responsible for this unfunny shit, these memes also die there since goons are so inept at life that anything even remotely funny gets beaten into the ground within hours of its inception. SA nowadays rarely, if ever, spawns memes that leave SA primarily because they became original.
- Doom House/Mood House
- Happycat
- All your base are belong to us
- Rachelle Waterman
- Hey guys whats going on in here
- Goatse.cx
- fursecution
- o rly (just the phrase, not that fukken owl)
- William Freund
- Gorgeous George
- My Tank is Fight
- It is a mystery
- The awesome face
- How is babby formed? (unlike most of these which are at least 100 years old, this one
is from 2007is also old as shit) - Spergin (shitty cesspool of assburger images)
- GET OUT
- Bart the General
- Chuck Norris facts that we all wish were dead
The Great SA forum account hack of 2008 and the Ultimate Lowtax meltdown
The shitty forums were hacked by none other than the heroes of Hackers United Against Islam. Around 40,000 accounts had their passwords taken due to an SQL Injection exploit.
It is worth it to point out that a majority of those accounts were inactive, thus proving no one cares about SA anymore.
Of course Lowtax acted butthurt and Radium tried to fix it but they got scared and they were moving with their auntie and uncle to Bel Air.
Then in a stunning turn of events, Lowtax ran away like a bitch not wanting to continue to help his aspie members get their only source of socialization back or fix their passwords. He gave the keys to Fragmaster.
—Lowtax on the discovery that his forums are made of fail after 9 fucking years! |
Of course SASS had a massive fucking celebration over this shit.
Contributors
True to form, reading their scratch will make you stupid. And if you happen to be someone who does not buy into their extremely narrow and contradictory political views, angry as well.
- Daryl "Fucking" Hall - AKA Andrew "Real Name" Geraghty, he frequently "outs" people he disagrees with while writing under a pen name. He uploads pictures of himself on
his twitter, when he's not screaming about how his poverty and misery are all society's fault. Almost killed himself in Egypt on a bike, now looking to finish the job with "heavy smoking" and "heavy drinking". In his own words, he is a college graduate with some useless degree working " stop-gap jobs until i go back to graduate school for an MA and (hopefully) PhD in ethnomusicology". He's also a feminist, because the feminist movement doesn't have enough red-eyed bums who are only looking for easy targets to blame their failings on.
- Shmorky - Resident flashfag and babyfur, writes for a site which bans furries on sight. He also claims to be a feminist, because a guy with a pedo/zoo fetish is totally what a feminist looks like and not just some unaccomplished dipshit looking to fraternize with naive, idealistic schoolgirls.
The truth is revealed!
Gallery Of Goon fail
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Typical Goon reaction to the Offended page. -
The userbase of Something Awful. A picture really is worth a thousand words. -
Typical Goon reaction to anything done by bronies, tropers,redditors, tumblrites, aspies, and other faggots they mock to feel less shitty about their own fail. -
Artist rendering of an IRL Goon Meet. -
Depiction of how Goons feel when they realize they sold themselves as a bitch to Lowtax for $10. -
The Goons, as seen through Lowtax's eyes. -
What Goons give each other to convince themselves they aren't faggots. -
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Goons believe pedophiles are fucked up degenerate scum. This shit is being said by the same shitheels responsible for swap.avi -
Why Something Awful sucks so much ass these days, assuming it wasn't full of fail to begin with. -
Why no Goon is ever taken seriously. Yes even the "female" goons. -
A Goon in its natural state. -
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See Also
- Goon Killers:
- 4chan A better website than Something Awful
- Encyclopedia Dramatica's forums
- How is babby formed
- Shmorky
- Lowtax
- Benny the Snake
- Jade Raymond
- Asperger's
- Muslim Massacre
- Goon Squad
- Abunchofnumbers
- SASS
- Retsupurae
- Zoe Quinn - A member of Helldump and Five Guys Burgers & Fries.
External Links
- A Shitty Website that Hasn't Been Relevant Since 2005
- Maddox's take on Something Awful
- Goons, the video The beautiful faces of goons.jpg
Beyond The Lampshade forums - A bunch of pathetic faggots who offer Lowtax a free blowjob every so often, more or less.- LETS RUN THIS SHIT INTO THE GROUND - (shitty splinter of a shitty splinter of SASS with 6 posters)
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