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Revision as of 13:27, 4 June 2015

Video games or 'tendo games are what 13 year old boys play to kill time and fill the empty void of their lives with a false feeling of achievement. Most video games come from Japan, as Japs relate better with the average gamer (i.e. lonely chronic masturbators who can't get off to anything that isn't a cartoon or in a computer), which is the only reason Americunts didn't perma-ban them IRL in World War 2.

History

Despite gaming having been around for quite some time, it did not became popular until the release of the Atari 2600. Fortunately, it did not take long for Atari to fuck it up with the release of the shit version of Pac-Man and E.T. and the video game industry almost dies. Soon after, a card company somehow got the idea that making their own console with video games to appeal to fursuiters, LSD enthusiasts, and pedophiles would save the video game market; and shockingly, they were right. This resulted with multiple other companies ripping the idea off by releasing even more games about furries (notably hedgehogs and marsupials) running around in LSD-induced worlds.

While the hedgehog's legacy could pretty much be considered dead, the console with the marsupial replaced its mascot with many others, and soon dispatched those too and to date has managed make 4 consoles, each with more fail than the last. While all of this was going on, the guys that made Windows also decided to join the orgy by releasing two mediocre consoles and a cock-suckingly bad piece of shit. Regardless, no matter which consoles there are at the time, they will always be insanely expensive, so gamers' parents will never buy their spoiled brats multiple consoles. Thus flame wars ensue over which console is superior, in attempts to justify their purchase to everyone else.

Types of Video Games

An example of a video game.
  • First Person Shooters: Aim at something and click a button to kill it. It's so easy that any spastic five-year-old could do it, and they do.
  • Third-Person Shooter: The same as FPSs but with the view of a stalker.
  • Music-related Games: What better way to pretend you have have any musical talent than by hitting buttons on a fake guitar or making an annoying, crackling puberty shriek into a microphone?
  • Real Time Strategy: You play as a person with the ability to command vast armies for whatever retarded purpose they could desire. Anyone who has ever played one of these knows that they're entirely luck-based and redundant.
  • Massively Multiplayer Online Games: These are ironically the games that are inhabited by the most socially inept fucking losers. Usually they're obsessed with leveling which makes their E-Penis bigger, getting virtual money, and meeting people even more pathetic than them. Often at times, people on MMOs will form guilds so they can pretend they have really close friends.
  • Racing: People who can't drive play racing games. This makes up 99.99% of internet users who say they drive a car when in reality all they know about cars derives from Forza Motorsport and Gran Turismo.
  • Fighting Games: These require the player to smash as many buttons as possible on the controller until somebody dies.
  • Online sex games: (known as Dating sims if they're aimed at people who jack off to cartoons) Although there have been a few of these games for consoles, most of these games exist only on the Internet. Taking anywhere from 2 minutes to 30 minutes to complete, the grand reward being poorly drawn fanporn or horribly animated flashsex. These games are usually comical in their inaccurate descriptions of fucking.
  • Mobile Games: These are games that can only be played on smartphones and tablets. Most All of them are absolute shit due to the lack of a real controller and greedy game devs who only let you play for 10 minutes before bringing the game to a halt and forcing you to open your wallet for some stupid bullshit that will probably only let you play for another five minutes before demanding more of your sheckles. The only people who play these games are spoiled children with access to their parent's credit card, and people with too much money.
  • They don't make games like this anymore.
    They don't make games like this anymore.
  • Hmm... Where have I seen these persons before?
    Hmm... Where have I seen these persons before?
  • Think of it as boob- and nosejobs for /b/.
    Think of it as boob- and nosejobs for /b/.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • Hmm... Where have I seen this guy before?
    Hmm... Where have I seen this guy before?
  • And remember, kids: Martial arts is...
    And remember, kids: Martial arts is...
  • ..all about self-improvement.
    ..all about self-improvement.
  • Survivor finally...
    Survivor finally...
  • ...got interesting.
    ...got interesting.
  • Tut-tut!
    Tut-tut!
  • Any similarities to what happens when girls go on the internet is totally coincidental.
    Any similarities to what happens when girls go on the internet is totally coincidental.
  • The forgotten art of making interesting photographs for the cover.
    The forgotten art of making interesting photographs for the cover.
  • The forgotten art of making sharpie drawings for the cover.
    The forgotten art of making sharpie drawings for the cover.
  • Back in the days, the backsides of the boxes was so much more informative.
    Back in the days, the backsides of the boxes was so much more informative.

Video Game Consoles

Typical Atari game.
Proof that the Japanese are boring fucks.
How to properly use your N64
The XBox One's new compact model.

Video game consoles are giant clunky boxes that are required to play video games. Consoles are the centre for many online debates. Regardless of exclusives or some shitty add-ons, consoles are just computers, so they will break down eventually, making them all equally shitty. DISREGARD THAT, NOTHING IS MORE SHITTY THAN WHAT MICROSOFT MAKES.

  • PC: The best console ever made. All other consoles are inferior according to the basement dwellers of the Master Race.
  • Commodore 64: The best selling personal computer of all time, even though it ages like shit. Unlike Macs however, they at least have games. The games came in the form of either Floppy disks, that were actually floppy, or those old worthless audio cassettes. Not much can be said about the library of games. They are as complex as iOS games.
  • Atari 2600: Ask any person over 40 and they'll know what this piece of shit is. Atari games were even less complex than Commodore, but sold like crack. The graphics are famous for being impossible to make out, and being pretty much only squares. Atari games were generally the kind with no goal, just high scores. Atari also had a lot of generic space shooters. Way, way too many. Despite the onslaught of basic shit, Atari had some popular games, such as the E.T. game, often considered one of the worst games ever made. It also had a decent amount of porn games. Because of the shitty games, people quit buying it, and it led to a death of an entire industry.
  • Sega Genesis: Shitty games, God awful controller layout, lame fans, DOUBLE THE BITS!!! As disgraceful as it was, it still made the SNES and NES its bitch.
  • Super Nintendo: Being that the Genesis outsold the NES, Nintendo decided to put together something that would steal the competition. So they gave us a hideous blocky kids toy with purple buttons. It's only redeeming quality is the controller, since the buttons were angled so you didn't have to jump your fingers around constantly like a dumbass.
  • Nintendo Gameboy: The first successful portable console. The games were in blackgreen and white, and were just shitty ports of console games. It also was the humble beginnings of Pokemon.
  • Atari Lynx: Atari eventually stopped naming their crap after numbers, and started naming them after cats. The Lynx was terrible, as you could hardly see the fucking screen.
  • Sega Game Gear: The cocky answer to the GameBoy. The genius people at Sega thought that simply giving the GameBoy colour and internal lighting would make it successful, but instead what they got was a bettery empty signal.
  • Sega Saturn: A console with no memorable games (expect for Sonic R, which is known for it's metrosexual music) and was hard to program for.
  • Sony PlayStation: Nintendo's all new nemesis, ironically however, this abomination would have never came into existence if Nintendo had not pissed off Sony (Srsly, google why it was made). The PlayStation did what the Genesis pulled like six years earlier. Unlike Sega, however, the PSX wasn't fucking around, and still sold more than Nintendo's 64 bit console, which was double the PSX's bits. The PSX was smart enough to also include like a thousand buttons.
  • WonderSwan: After getting fired for the greatest prank in video game history, Gunpei Yakoi decided to work on this piece of shit until he died in a car crash. No one remembers it, but it still outsold the XBox in Japan. Nobody remembers this shit.
  • Sega Dreamcast: A 128-bit console that was actually pretty advanced for it's time. Too bad not much can be said about it since it was barely around before being trampled by the PlayStation 2. It had Sonic Adventure, which is essentially the beginning of the DeviantArt Sonicfags. This was effectively the death of SEGA.
  • Sony PlayStation 2: The best selling console of all time. It's amazing games include Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, generic racing games, generic fighting games, and generic sports games. It's controller was identical to the PSX's, only with two extra joysticks. These two joysticks are gigantic and felt awkward to handle. Despite being state of the art, it only had two controller ports.
  • Microsoft Xbox: A watered-down PC toaster built to compete with the GayStation 2. It's controller is bigger than the console itself, and it's only notable game is Halo, which is by no means a positive thing. Bill Gates didn't really care what happens, as long as he gets shekels. XBox can be considered the new Sega: They just can't win. Maddox elaborates here.
  • Nintendo GameCube: Kidtendo's most laughable invention since the Virtual Bitch. It's console design was, like any other Nintendo console, hideous, and looked like an expensive child's computer. Even worse, however, was it's controller, which is likely the worst controller ever conceived for a video game console. It features a tiny D-PAD, a colossal A button, a microscopic B button, and L and R buttons that made an undescribable noise when pressed, that made you think they were ready to fall apart. The games were nothing you haven't seen on any other consoles. It is actually the worst choice for weeaboos since it only has one JRPG.
  • Nintendo DS: A double screened portable console that is specially built to play boring point and click games. And Pokemon. Again.
  • Nintendo 2DS: Nintendo shows it has run out of ideas. Literally a 3DS, but flat and no 3D. Might as well flush your money down the toilet.
  • Microsoft Xbox 360: The first Microjew console that people cared about. It was around this time that Microsoft purchased Rareware, and they forced them to make shitty sequels to Rare classics. It was also the grand daddy of generic FPSs. Unfortunately, this console spawned one of the most annyoing and cunt-like fanboys squads of all time. It is shown in studies that 98.5% 100% of XBOX fanboys have autism, they're retardation challenges the likes of Sonic fags, Chris Chan, Google, JewTube, Britian, and even possibly Furfags.
  • Sony PlayStation 3: See PlayStation 3 and Chad Warden. Also it's $599. Nope, the retards at Sony actually thought they could sell outdated tech for $1000.
  • Nintendo Wii: A remote-controlled console with a dildotroller and a sensor bar. It was Nintendo's claim back to fame. It also included a virtual console Emulator, so it saves time getting out your old dusty piece of shit NES. Too bad they're expensive as fuck. The only reason people actually bought this shit is because soccer moms actually thought it would help you lose weight.
  • Nintendo Wii U: Despite the success of the Wii, Nintendo found a way to fuck it up. The Wii U has no notable games that don't include an Italian plumber or a some other shit nobody cares about. It's hard to find a Wii U player that's above the age of ten, not a basement dweller and not a manchild.
  • Sony PlayStation 4: Nothing is known of this console, since it has no games, no one owns it, and it's not known if it even exists. In fact, it doesn't even have a fucking ED article.
  • Microsoft Xbox One: A surveillance-system that plays games. It caused months of internet shitstorms for its old DRM policies and lack of vidya. It also had a hilariously bad E3 conference. XCOCKS One has also created one of the greatest shitstorms in gaming history.

How to identify gamers

Moar info: Gamer.

Besides their obesity and obvious lack of sex life, people may also be gamers if the following applies to them:

  • They have memorized which Japanese word on the menu screen is for yes, no, save, and options.
  • They think fighting games require skill.
  • They have ever used online co-op and have an extremely short temper.
  • They think any real-life plumbers would be Italian, wear overalls, and have mustaches.
  • They masturbate to Sonic.

How to make a Successful Video Game

Localization in a nutshell
Localization in a nutshell
Top seller guarenteed!

Because seemingly every child who plays video games decides that they want to become rich, happy, and successful members of the industry, here are a few examples of how to make a successful game so that you don't totally cock it all up. Protip: Don't forget to change random crap to fit the country you plan to sell this game to. Call these changes "localization". This list is for Americunts. For other countries, see the handy chart at right.

How to make an Unsuccessful Video Game

"That's fine," you might say, "but what if I want to make an actually good game?" Well, it's funny that you ask...

  • Give it an original concept. There's nothing the industry hates more.
  • Think up a refreshing setting that hasn't ever been done before. Gamers won't be satisfied if it doesn't take place in a ruined city or feature at least a jungle, ice, and fire world.
  • Pay actual writers to write a deep story, good dialogue, and likable characters. Your efforts will be wasted, as gamers lack the intelligence to comprehend good stories and non-black and white morality, and will go into a shut down state.
  • Give it a distinctive art style and graphics so that it is easily recognizable when compared to similar games. If graphics aren't as REALISTIC, GRITTY, and IMMERSIVE as it gets, gamers will be insulted that you expect them to have fun when it isn't pretty.
  • Don't include multiplayer. Why the fuck would you do that?.
  • Avoid viral marketing. If it isn't viral, nobody will give the slightest bit of a fuck.
  • Make the game mature while possibly not even receiving the M Rating. If it isn't an M-Rated game for mature gamers such as themselves, gamers will give it a pass.
  • Make it whimsical and surreal, not realistic. Who the fuck wants to play an unrealistic game?
  • Design cover art that doesn't feature a large, muscular man cradling his gun/sword in his hands, or a large pair of tits attached to a woman. Gamers simply can't interest themselves in that which does not feature muscular men or tits.
  • Pace the game. Make it so that it begins slowly but picks up speed until you have a rolling barrel of fun by the end. Gamers lack any sort of attention span, and will put it away if it doesn't grab them by the balls from the start.
  • Have a brix shitting ending. This will only confuse gamers, who will utterly fail to interpret it at all.
  • Ultimately, make it a fun, enjoyable, and memorable experience. Gamers are too bitter to have fun, even when they actually play fun games.
  • Sit back and watch as Video Game Reviewers give it good reviews because they liked it, not because of being paid to, while all of the gamers pass it by, aside from a small collection of Hipsters, Hippies, and a few lesbians from v, along with some other "Games are Art" faggots. Ultimately, your game is unsuccessful and doesn't sell more than a few hundred copies.

As you wallow in your own misery, knowing that you are a total failure, you now have two options. You can either sell out and become a corporate whore like the rest of the people put into your position, or you can become An Hero as an artistic statement. Either way, you still Fail.

Gallery

  • Where to get video games
    Where to get video games
  • Power-up boxes in real life
    Power-up boxes in real life
  • Final Fellatio XXX
    Final Fellatio XXX
  • A Typical WW2 Game Scenario
    A Typical WW2 Game Scenario
  • Average FPS game
    Average FPS game
  • Exceedingly unfair
    Exceedingly unfair
  • God mode activated
    God mode activated

See Also

Video games is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

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