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Gamecube
The Nintendo GameCube (a.k.a Dreamcast 2: Electric Boogaloo) is Nintendo's fourth home video game console released in September, 2001. Supposedly designed to play games, Nintendo seemingly forgot to make any enjoyable games for the actual system, figuring that Sony didn't either for the Playstation 2. Developed jointly by Alex Chiu & Gene Ray as a follow-up to Ray's successful Time Cube1, the system was popular with pedophiles seeking to lure children with brightly colored objects. It also played games, but this was quickly forgotten after the system was featured on America's Most Wanted. As of 2006, GameCube has been re-branded in North America as the Wii, the portable shoeshine kit.
History
The GameCube first started under the direction of Hiroshi Yamauchi, a crazy 3rd-party hating fascist that basically had to be thrown out of Nintendo for the company to recover. Yamauchi was an old geezer that didn't know how to run a business in the video game field for his own good and kept on going with his forty-year-old stuck-up mentality. He straightforwardly attacked Square and all main jRPG companies by calling the whole user base sad, pathetic losers. Which is completely true, but helped doom the N64 to failure since the beginning (Quest 64 was the only remotely memorable RPG released on it). Square's president told Yamauchi they were jumping ship to the PSX, and Yamauchi agreed that it was "best for their company". Then Square started badmouthing Nintendo in the press, so Yamauchi got pissed at them. When Square tried to come crawling back after the "Spirits Within" failure of 2001, Yamauchi told them to fuck off, but he let them back in after Square's president resigned. He even handed them money to make their games, which a faggot named Satoru Iwata later fucked up as bad as the other games in the series.
On May 31, 2002, Hiroshi Yamauchi let Satoru Iwata take over the GameCube. Every single good thing that ever happened in the lifespan of the GameCube began in the one single year that Yamauchi was in charge of it. The next five years were one painfully long death of Iwata's lies and delay tactics. Yamauchi handed Iwata Final Fucking Fantasy and Iwata had to fag it up with his connectivity bullshit. All Iwata did was bitch about how the fastest console launch of all time (at the time) wasn't good enough, and that the GameCube under Yamauchi had no good games (Mario, Zelda, StarFox, Metroid Prime, Smash Bros., Resident Evil). Then Iwata promised that the Revolution would be better, and launch with Mario 64-2, Smash Bros., and Metroid Prime 3; all it got was Wii Sports, a stolen Zelda, and a stolen Paper Mario (the two games we might have been able to say he contributed to the GameCube).
Shinji Mikami fucking hated Sony with a passion, and Keiji Inafune said Nintendo under Yamauchi's direction was better than Sony, but Inafune bowed to Sony's money barrels (Mikami didn't, and was broken for it, under Iwata's watch).
Controller
The standard GameCube controller features an ergonomic "wing-grip" design and an internal vibrator, allowing for simple, pleasurable insertion into the vagina. It is widely said it is the BEST controller ever made and that it is MANDATORY you use it WHENEVER YOU CAN. Especially when playing Wii games. If you are playing a Wii game that has the OPTION to use a GameCube controller(brawl, tenkaichi3, sonic colors), and you are not using one, you are fag. So basically, it's total bullshit.
Games
The only reason anyone would ever buy this shitty console is for Super Smash Bros. Melee. The game has only found popularity because you can pause the game and look up Princess Peach's dress. For at least one hundred years, this was the only game available for the FailCube; and the prime reason why anyone purchased it during launch. However, after playing it for over 9,000 hours, it starts to get boring. Nintenfags will shout "TEH GAEM DOESNT GET BORIN IF U HAEV FRENDS!!!1" which is a lie.
After Nintendo realized their console needed more than one fucking game, they released Metroid Prime and The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. Metroid Prime, despite supposedly being the OMG BEST ACTION/ADVENTURE/SHOOTER/PUZZLE THINGY GAME EVA, fails because after defeating the ridiculously easy first boss, you lose all your fucking powers and you're then forced to explore this jungle place where nothing fucking happens. Nintenfags will argue that Wind Waker is the best Zelda game ever, even better than Twilight Princess; even though it was the easiest Zelda game that was ever made and looked like a fucking Nickelodeon cartoon; also, Zelda was some fugly loli pirate bitch. Even their Mario game, Sunshine, was utter fail. Then Nintendo decided their GameCube was an epic failure and decided to make Twilight Princess as a "sorry we fucked you and took all your money" note.
Must have games include:
- Super Smash Bros. Melee (SSBM) - The only decent game for GameCube and only reason to buy one. It is primarily used for pr0n and by hax0rz, it involves Nintendo's best characters raping children and sending them to concentration camps and trying to be the best pro by fuckdashing and using glitches to fuck you and lag the game to make porno shots to get more points. Also, this game gave birth to competitive faggots who takes every fucking thing in this game seriously and will noscope you as Fox with broken "techniques" using his shitty Reflector and his overpowered Up Smash.
- Luigi's Mansion -
GhostbustersSilent Hill for pre-schoolers with down-syndrome. - Goldeneye: Rogue Agent - Some shitty 007 game trying to capitalize on the far superior N64 game.
- Resident Evil Remake - The first game with better graphics and an aiming system so fucked up you'll wonder why the hell anyone likes this game.
- Resident Evil 4 -
LOL PLAYSTATION 2Supposedly best played on the Gamecube, Resident Evil 4 takes the cake for one of the most overrated games ever made. - GUN - A western GTA game that you can defeat in three hours.
- Medal of Honor: Rising Sun - A WWII game with no replay value and shit multiplayer.
- Soul Calibur II - It's like Mortal Kombat, only for faggots and those wanting to brutally maim other faggots. BUTTAN MASHIN GAEM.
- StarFox Adventures - When you hear "Star Fox", you'd think you get flying shit shooting it out in OuterSpace with an space aircraft capable of fucking up nearly everything that moves. Instead, we get a fucking Legend Of Zelda ripoff mixed with a lame ass dino sidekick that somehow manages to be more retarded than Navi, along with furfags fapping to Krystal every fucking time she shows up. What the fuck they were they thinking.
- Tales of Symphonia - A shitty JRPG with a shitty plot. Look for Sheena porn.
- Call of Duty: Finest Hour - Another shitty WWII game that you can play through in two hours.
- Spider Man 2 - Yes, it's out on all consoles, but with the GameCube it's one of the best you're going to get.
- SSX Tricky - A snowboarding game that's actually pretty win because you can bitch slap people and do barrel rolls.
- Super Monkey Ball - A game about rolling monkeys trapped in transparent balls around an obstacle course. It's as fun as it sounds.
- Chibi Robo - A game in which the player uses a tiny robotic vibrator to clean up shit smudges and condom wrappers. Also stars a mute loli in a frog suit and her fat, unemployed fuckwad of a father.
- Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem - A game made for the sole purpose of retorting the "GameCube has no M rated games" statement. The sanity meter makes it obvious when they'll start fucking with you, and you can make the hallucinations go away by walking in circles. Being really, really tiny or upside down isn't scary, it's just annoying.
- Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - The GameCube's dying breath. A game where you spend half the time being a fucking furry with some ugly alien infant thing bitching all the way through.
- Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles - A game so shitty, not even the loyal FF tards will pretend to like it.
Storage
With its fliptop design and multiple compartments, GameCube is the perfect place to store potentially incriminating or embarrassing substances and/or personal documents.
Items that can be stored in GameCube:
- Rock candyG
- Illegal narcotics(works GREAT for this)
- Pocket bibles
- Small cubes
- Positive ID
- Jizz rag
- Goronchev's penis
- Fries
- cockroaches
- a little mouse
- longcat
- Pr0n (via homebrew)
Items that cannot be stored in GameCube:
- Large cubes
- Full-sized DVDs
- A human body (although it can hold smaller parts of a human body)
- Good games
- A regular-sized penis
Architecture
The GameCube's compact size and hard plastic handle have made it the system of choice for consumers looking to use their video game console as a makeshift bludgeon or lunch box. Players can further customize their experience by removing GameCube's electronics and filling its shell with various substitutes, such as lead, lunch, or volatile explosives.
The GameCube's small size was to be one of it's main selling points, until a significant number of the otherwise retarded gamer community realized that the large size of the Xbox wasn't so much of a problem unless your floor was made out of fucking paper. And wet paper, at that.
The small sized discs were an absolute failure in part because they only lasted a few days before getting oiled and dirty, and scratched as hell. Who the fuck cares if the disc is smaller when its box is still the same size as a PS2 or Xbox box? Nintendo's reasoning behind the creation of the tiny discs was that it could easily "fit into the palm of a child's hand." Figures.
Piracy
Attempts have been made by several noted ass pirates to successfully modify the GameCube controller for insertion into the human rectum. Though preliminary results have been promising, Nintendo still does not officially endorse the lodging of its controller in your rectum.
What you will never see on the GameCube
- A non-sexual controller
- A useful memory card
- Music CDs, since they don't fit on the tiny disc tray.
- DVDs, see above reasoning
- Good games
Shigeru Miyamoto the coolest guy on earth (lol)
Shigeru Miyamoto is just like Michael Jackson, a pedophile that apparently thinks he's a kid. When he created the GameCube, it was originally called "Dolphin", because he enjoys shoving his penis into the dolphin's blowhole. When Bill Gates revealed this information to the public, Miyamoto cried for at least a week and reluctantly changed the name to GameCube, because the console resembles a cube, somewhat (OMFG hes a jeeneeus ¬¬). He hates Sony because it steals his ideas, and he's jealous of Microsoft because they are American and the Xbox's brutal graphics. Plus, Miyamoto is rumored to love teh buttsecks.
Teh Futurez
Nintendo gathered up all unsold consoles and repackaged it as the Wii.
69238295: Gamecube Mindfuck
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