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Mormon
Morons, or members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", are members of a "church" invented by Joseph Smith, a horny conman and Freemason, in 1830. Smith decided that traditional Christianity wasn't fucking stupid enough, so he set out to create the most retarded religion in mankind's history, which surpasses even scientology in terms of absurdity. The early "Church" grew through charismatic public speeches and fervent missionary work which eventually came to promote polygamy (and pedophilia as a byproduct) as the recruitment drive grew more ferociously fucked up. In a brilliant employment of trolling for his own gain, Joseph realized that the hate brewing against his church would serve to bolster the believers' persecution complex, and feeling persecuted means that you never have to see the truth.
The result is that wherever they are, Mormons have a higher rate of sex crimes, adultery, and teen suicide than the national average. The only clear answer is that Joseph Smith was doing it for the lulz (and to fuck his cousin).
Theology
- Invent crazy story about golden tablets, magic specs, lost tribes, visions of God, etc.
- Convince gullible hicks, thieves and whores that your story is true.
- As cult leader, use story as a pretext to fuck all the nubile, virginal teenage girls you want.
- Get killed by angry mob.
- Resurrection time!
- Repeat steps 3 through 5.
- Live like a hippy commune without the drugs, also no alcohol, tobacco, caffeine and fun.
- ?????
- PROFIT!
Beliefs
Mormons like to hint that they might be Christians but have major differences in what they believe. Some are more subtle than others, like the ones about blackies.
Mormons believe a Tribe of Jews sailed to the Americas hundreds of years before Christ. Some of these Jews turned into Mexicans for being assholes. After a whole bunch of TL;DR, Christ uses celestial technology to travel from the Middle east to South America, where he teaches the Mexican Jews. Then all the Mexican Jews kill each other except for some guy named Moroni, who walked to upstate New York, to bury the spiritual history of his people for Joseph Smith to find.
Other Mormon beliefs include:
- Baptism for the Dead, so you can still baptize that stubborn father of yours. Mormons trolled Jews worldwide by baptizing holocaust victims without consent from their families.
- Mandatory Temple work. One of the rituals is called Endowment, and that is where they get those fantastic underpants.
- The Word of Wisdom. This is where the no coffee, alcohol, or tobacco comes from.
- The Second Coming will touch down in the place this whole mess began, the Garden of Eden, in Jackson County Missouri (srsly).
- Temple Recommends are necessary to get into Mormon temples and they can only be obtained by wedding a young woman thrice then impregnating her mother AND sister.
- The children of Adam and Eve needed incest to propagate the species (srsly).
- Doctrine of Eternal Progression, the reward for a race well run:
- For the price of your earthly life, you too can become the winnar of an eternal vacation to your very! own! PLANET!
- Find a hawt goddess bitch, lock her away, raep her until her eyes bleed,
- and watch her spit out billions of spirit-children, all ready to fight to the death for another chunk of rock!
- (For a limited time. Not valid with any other offer. Offer not valid in Hawaii, the Virgin Islands, or anywhere outside the Milky-Way Galaxy.)
In addition to the King James Version of the Bible, Mormons reckon three other books holy writ: the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. The Book of Mormon contains the aforementioned tale of the Mexican Jews (or Mews) . The D&C contains "revelations" proclaimed by Joseph Smith and other church leaders; i.e., the shit they made up as they went along. The Pearl of Great Price is the least tl;dr of the three and by far the most batshit insane—allegedly translated from a set of ancient Egyptian documents, it discusses, among other things, how God lives on a big-ass distant planet called Kolob. What they won't tell you is that The Book of Mormon has undergone over 4000 edits since the original 1830 edition (not bad for the "most perfect book ever written!").
Previous Video | Next Video
History
After several failed scams, Joseph Smith struck a home run. Deciding that people believed him enough that he could start fucking with their sex lives, Joseph successfully renewed the Christian tradition of polygamy. Jealous of all the hot Mormon sex going on, and in fear of losing their own women to the orgy, hicks began shooting Mormons in retaliation for Mormon's shooting them while trying to claim the holy land of Missouri, and the Mormons got kicked out. Joseph was eventually killed, and the wagon trains fled to Utah, where they murdered travelers, blamed Indians, and were stuck with Mexicans. Those Indians became white people if they converted and married enough wives but lost the status when they died (see below). Srsly.
Connor, head of the California Volunteers and bitter about leading a massacre of American Indians on their behalf, accurately characterized the Morons of the 1850s as "traitors, murderers, fanatics and whores."
American Islam
In many ways, Moronism is the closest thing the USA has to a home-grown Islam: both srsly stranger offshoots of Christianity, they spread their beliefs by fightin' round the world during the life of the main profit. Both prophets were heavily into loli. Both used promises of loli, polygamy, and winning at violence to recruit low-lives. Both claimed better direct lines of conversation with God and more LOLable miracles than Chrestos ever had. Both have holy books with slabs copied from the Bible (directly in the Book of Moron and strange mashups in the other one). Both loved lucre, and relied on getting it from women at crucial times.
They also share big splits over stuff connected to the second profit. Both are designed to guarantee pilgrimage and money for particular cities in the desert. A key difference: the Morons had to build Salt Lake City to draw the rubes but Mohammad only had to promise to keep up Mecca's popularity with religious tourists to get given the place.
Notable Mormons
- Harry Reid (Senate Majority Leader, goddammit, fuck, they're taking over our government!!)
- Steve Young (Homosexual quarterback...of the San Francisco 69'ers).
- Andy Reid (Failed coach of Philadelphia Eagles).
- Mitt Romney (The man who will defeat Obama in 2012. Wow, we trade a black guy for a fucking mormon. God Bless America!!)
- LittleCloud.
- Glenn Beck (The Mormon's answer to Scientology nutcase Tom Cruise).
- Sam from iCarly (though she is currently fucking a Jew and dabbling in alternative secret societies.)
- Philo Farnsworth (Invented television so he could avoid talking to his 16 wives).
- Nolan Bushnell (invented video games, and lowered the average attention span of the world).
- Pete Harman, who started KFC.
- Billy Barty.
- Julianne Hough (lost her Temple Rights to become a professional beard for gay B-list celebrity men).
- The Osmonds/Donny & Marie (invented homosexuality).
- Michael Snow.
- Gladys Knight (converted, obvi.)
- Orson Scott Card—former Mormon missionary; famous for bad science-fiction novels inspired by watching Space Invaders; repeated dealings with Hollywood turned him into a one-man anti-marriage trolling machine who lives to troll teh ghey, with a minor in science-fiction fandom. States that he is a reasonable and unbigoted man and that he invented the blog; both statements equally credible.
- Stephenie Meyer (the genius behind the bestselling series Twilight). Watch for her pill-fuelled public flameout and embarassing suicide, which with any luck will be aped by her legion of fans.
- Sir Richard Branson, owner and director of the virgin group (The dude who owns Virgin Airlines and Virgin Mobile and all that shit).
- Lots of pale, blue-eyed honeys with milk-white skin, braided hair the color of ripe wheat, and child-bearing hips.
- That crappy band The Killers, led by Brandon Flowers.
- Aaron Eckhart, who played Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight. He spent two years of his life trying to convert people while on his mission in France and Switzerland.
- David Archuleta from American Idol.
- This MILF [1]
- Founder of the Marriott and Hyatt Hotel chains.
- founder of JCPenney.
- Founder of Delta Airlines.
- Founder of A&W root beer.
- All the founders are.
- Mormon Jesus!!!
- Virtually everyone from Utah except the Jonas brothers (Christian fundies) and a token Jew Roseanne Barr-Arnold.
Mormon Universities
There are several Mormon-chartered universities, the best-known of which is undoubtedly Brigham Young University,
. Along with mandatory courses on reformed Egyptian, Urim and Thummim, and One Bad Apple, funky disco dancing is widely practiced by the many cute, round-faced teens with great hair who attend.
Modern Mormon Culture
In the 1830’s, when men's pants were first tailored with buttons visible down the front of the fly, the Mormon leader Brigham Young discouraged the population from wearing them, calling them “fornication pants.” To this day, Mormons still hate button-fly jeans. Mormons refer to each other as "Brother" or "Sister", which is why black people stay the hell away. The second to last thing black people want to be called by a cracker is "Brotha". Mormon social life centers on the church and family. Men have priestly responsibilities in and out of the home. Women attend relief society which sounds like whoring but is basically church-sanctioned gossip hour. Women also participate in home visiting to collect gossip. College age students attend "singles ward", which helps keep those with inquiring minds from making normal friends. This keeps Mormon behavior stable from about 14 until 30 or marriage, whichever comes first. Youth activities include:
- Frottage during NCMO (non-committal make out).
- Watching lame Mormon movies because anything above a PG-13 rating is an abomination.
- STILL quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Wait, they still do that ...? What a bunch of frickin' IIIDiots ... wait, fuck!
- Mormon girls spend all their parents Mexican Jew cash on make up and plastic surgery.
Stuff They Pwn
- Moron Tabernacle Choir
- State of Utah
- Jell-O
- Marriott International (Including everything from Ritz-Carlton Hotels to College cafeteria food)
- A good slice of Wikipedia
- In 2008 the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had a major coup in mounting a power-play for chairmanship of the Wikimedia Foundation. Their get-out-the-vote campaign among the many Mormon Wikipedians got their man, Michael Snow, an "elder" and former missionary in Germany, elected chairman.
- Gay Marriage
- BattleStar Galactica (Mormons in Space) and Knight Rider (no relation to Mormon Motown diva Gladys Knight). But seriously, look up Glen A. Larson.
- Freedumb of Speech, They use a MAGIKULL DEVICE that censors "inappropriate" scenes and "cuss" words in movies. Watch a good movie with this thing. Oh wait. There'd be no movie. GET OUT
Gallery of Mormon Movies
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OH GOD -
MAKE -
IT -
STOP
Criticism
The Hot Spicy Racism
Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so.” -Second Prophet Brigham Young JoD: vol.10 p. 110
“You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, un- comely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind. The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of any one of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race – that they should be the “servant of servants;” and they will be, until that curse is removed; and the Abolitionists cannot help it, nor in the least alter that decree. How long is that race to endure the dreadful curse that is upon them? That curse will remain upon them, [p.291] and they never can hold the Priesthood or share in it until all the other descendants of Adam have received the promises and enjoyed the blessings of the Priesthood and the keys thereof. Until the last ones of the residue of Adam’s children are brought up to that favourable position, the children of Cain cannot receive the first ordinances of the Priesthood. They were the first that were cursed, and they will be the last from whom the curse will be removed.When the residue of the family of Adam come up and receive their blessings, then the curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will receive blessings in like proportion. “-Second Prophet Brigham Young JoD 7:290-291 (October 9, 1859)
From day one this so-called "true church" (as proclaimed by the members) prohibited nigras from holding the priesthood. This policy wasn't repealed until 1978 over nine thousand years after the church was established. Predictably no-one noticed because black people don't get involved in anything that would infringe on the time that could be more gainfully employed stealing televisions and car stereos. Nigrah Morons also had to attend segregated services.
This sensible idea had a bizarre flipside: American Indians were allowed to attend the same services as Whitey, but were supposed to be segregated in the afterlife. They probably had a little trouble attracting Indian members after one of their guys led one of the biggest massacres of Indians in the west and they framed Indians for their own massacre of crackers.
Nigrahs apparently got to reach the same afterlife as Whitey, just to give them a chance to keep up the IRL trolling even after the end of IRL.
If you look hard enough and dedicate enough time, you can find the only black mormon. No one knows the exact gender of it and it is extremely good at disguises making it seem like more might exist.
If the lie "the Mormon church is the true church" is to be believed one must also deduce that God is more racist than the lowest of the low on ED. Actually, I think God is the most racist motherfucker I've ever met. IT MUST BE TRUE!
Polygamy
Before 1890 the Mormons practiced polygamy, providing a way for men to engage in dirty sex with multiple women simultaneously and still play the upstanding guy.
The second prophet of the Mormon church Brigham Young (bring em' young; born 1801) was known for his large family that consisted of 18 wives and 57 children.
It's a little known fact that Joseph Smith had 23 wives, who ranged in age from 14 to 60. Eleven were under 20. Most were done after he died (YA RLY).
Some offshoots of the Mormon church who declare themselves "fundamentalist Mormons" still condone polygamy (the ones that don't just do it in secret) and are still banging minors today. Tell this to a REAL Mormon and they'll be an Internet Tough Guy.
Major Reasons Why Mormonism Is Bullshit
The Book of Mormon claims that the Jaredites arrived at America in 2500 BC from the ancient Near East, and built a civilization that lasted for centuries. However, archaeologists and scientists agree that there is no evidence that they existed. They were magically replaced by Lehi and others from the Israelite tribes in 600 BC, who became the Nephites, Lamanites, and Mulekites. They reigned as civilizations in the Americas until 400 AD, when they all killed each other and disappeared. But like the Jaredites, there is no archaeological evidence that they existed - not a single pottery shard. Not only that, but they supposedly had oxen, cattle, elephants, silk, chariots, the compass, steel, and lots of other shit that did not exist in pre-Columbian America.
The Book of Mormon claims that these peoples migrated across the Atlantic ocean from Jerusalem and the Israelite tribes. However, the Israelites were not a seafaring people. Even the Phoenicians who were stayed within the Mediterranean - how did people with no nautical experience manage to build a huge watertight ship and get across an entire ocean? The Book of Mormon claims that the Native Americans are descended from the Israelites/Lamanites, yet there is no linguistic or genetic link between the Native Americans and the ancient Near East.
There have been many edits to the text since it was first written, which contradicts a divine origin. Indeed, the Book of Mormon is nothing more than lies and plagiarism. It blatantly rips off View of the Hebrews by Ethan Smith, The Wonders of Nature by Josiah Priest, the King James Bible, and the Apocrypha. It also contains numerous anachronisms which reveal its true origin as tl;dr nonsense written by Joseph Smith.
The founder Joseph Smith was a false prophet who was known as a compulsive liar in his own lifetime. He made several prophecies that ended up being proven as fail. How can you believe that he received the Book of Mormon on gold plates from the angel Moroni? He claims that the original writing on the plates was "reformed egyptian", even though this script has never existed. The Golden Plates themselves were conveniently returned to angels after he finished translating, so no one can see them now. Aside from being a fraud, he gave himself the titles of King and General, and married several underage girls. Clearly, Joseph Smith was an 1800’s version of L. Ron Hubbard who wanted money, power, and lolis.
The Moar You Know
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that Jesus' death on the cross only partially saves the believer.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that that according to Anton Lavey's Satanic Bible, the demon god of the living dead is called "Mormo". Is it just a coincidence that the Mormons are so concerned with the dead?
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that on their Salt Lake City Temple they prominently display an upside-down star which is a Satanic symbol known as the Goat's head. Why?
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they believe your Church is wrong, your Christian creeds are abomination to God, and you pastor or Priest is a hireling of Satan.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that there is salvation only in their church - all others are wrong. (pfft: as if all the other churches don't say the same thing.)
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that those who have been through their temples are wearing secret underwear to protect themselves from "evil". This "evil" includes non - Mormons like you.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU about their secret temple rites at all. If they did, you would spot them as non Christians immediately.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they think "familiar spirits" are good, and that their Book of Mormon has a "familiar spirit". Leviticus 19:31 says familiar spirits defile one, and are to be avoided at all costs.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that women receive salvation only through their Mormon husbands, and must remain pregnant for all eternity.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the Virgin Mary really wasn't a virgin at all but had sex relations with their heavenly father to produce the Mormon version of Jesus Christ, er TEH MORMON JESUS!!!!!
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they believe Jesus had at least three wives and children while he was on this earth.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the "heavenly father" they ask you to pray to with them, is really an exalted man that lives on a planet near the star base Kolob, and is not the Heavenly Father of the Bible at all.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that Jesus was really Lucifer's brother in the spirit world, and it was only due to a "heavenly council" vote that Jesus became our redeemer instead of Satan!!
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that there are over one hundred divisions in Mormonism. They conveniently "forget" this while criticizing the many denominations within the body of Christ
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that all their so- called scriptures such as the Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants, and even their official "Mormon Doctrine" statements contradict each other on MAJOR doctrinal points. The King James Bible is likewise contradicted.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the reason the Book of Mormon has no maps is because there is not one scrap of archaeological evidence to support it!
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the state of Utah, which is predominately Mormon, has a higher than the national average of wife-beating, child abuse, and teenage suicide. AND MENTAL ILLNESS.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their prophet Joseph Smith was heavily involved in the occult when he founded Mormonism.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that that they encourage visitations from dead relatives from the "spirit world", a practice forbidden in the Bible. (Deuteronomy 18:10-12.)
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that there are many accounts of Joseph Smith's first vision besides the one they present to you, and all are different
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their secret temple oaths are based on the Scottish Rite Masons.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that before 1978 they considered the Negro race inferior, and even one drop of Negro blood prevented a person from entering their priesthood.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they expect Christ to return to their temple in Missouri, but they haven't built the temple He's supposed to return to, because they don't own the property. (It is owned by the "Temple Lot Mormons" who have plans of their own, and won't let the Salt Lake City group buy it).
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they consider the Bible to be untrustworthy and full of errors.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they believe the Archangel Michael came down to earth with several of his celestial wives, and became Adam in the garden of Eden.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that that they believe the angel Gabriel came down to earth and became Noah in the days of the flood.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their Prophet Joseph Smith prophesied falsely many times. For example, he foretold the second coming of Christ for 1891. The Bible teaches that one false prophecy puts the prophet under death sentence. (Deuteronomy 18:20-22).
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their Prophet Joseph Smith did not die as a martyr as they claim, but was killed during a gun battle in which he himself killed two men and wounded a third.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU about the Mountain Meadows Massacre in which they brutally murdered an innocent wagon train of settlers, of over one hundred men, women, and most of the children, traveling through Utah.
MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that Joseph Smith taught that there were inhabitants on the moon, and Brigham Young taught there were inhabitants on the sun as well!
HOLY SHIT ITS A CULT!!!
It is well known and documented that Mormonism is approaching its end state: a full blown cult. The Mormon Missionary Training Center in Provo (Utah) is already a full blown cult, and it is what EVERY MORMON LEADER WANTS TO TURN THE RELIGION INTO WORLDWIDE I SHIT YOU NOT!
How Mormon Missionary Training Center is like a cult:
1. Strict Information Control
Mormon Missionaries are in a bubble where no outside influences are let in (they can't even read newspapers!), thus maximizing the effectiveness of the brainwashing process
2. Control Over Every Aspect Of Missionaries' lives
Mormon Missionaries have no free will (which is ironic) while in this cult bubble AND CANNOT EVEN VISIT THEIR FAMILIES IF A FAMILY MEMBER DIES. Not even a phone call can be made
3. Psychological Break-Down Of Each Missionary
Mormon Missionaries are constantly sleep-deprived and overworked to a level that would make Japanese workers seem like pansies. This is carefully calculated to tear down each missionary for the next stage
4. Rebuild-Up Of Each Missionary Through False Reality/Constant Messages
Once Missionaries are beaten down in this cult bubble, they are built back up through constant bombardment of false Mormon teachings. They eventually become like robots, unable to critically challenge their cult for the rest of their lives
Secret Mormon Temple Practices
In Mormon temples, brainwashed Mormons are forced to make two covenants (or promises) to the LDS Cult:
1. Mormons swear to give everything they own to the Mormon Church if they are ever called upon to do so. THEY WILL NEVER TELL YOU THIS because they see it as "sacred knowledge" they must not share (more like a dirty secret the cult uses to control them).
2. Mormon women swear complete obedience to their husbands. The Mormon women are led to think that disobeying this covenant (this promise) will allow Satan to have complete control over them.
Trolling Mormons IRL
- Tell them that you thought the movie Orgazmo was accurate.
- Go to your local Mormon church on the first Sunday of the month, crash their Fast'N'Testimony Meetin', take the mic, and speak passionately about the doctrine of Cthulhu, and how He is your personal savior.
- Find the Mormon temple near you and go to the visitor's center. Flirt with the Mormon girl sent to convert you to Mormonism while your girlfriend puts a BIOS password on their genealogy computer. Lulz are sure to ensue.
- Convert to Mormonism, and get an assignment teaching Sunday School to lolis. Bring pedobear into your curriculum. Lulz and the party van guaranteed!
- Join the Mormon Church, tell the local bishop that you never fap so you can get a Temple Recommend (the paper that says you're not a fapper), go to the Temple to do baptisms for teh dead, taek a shit in teh big hot tub they use to summon the dead, and make them Mormons.
- Reconvert Mormons: Passionately tell Mormons you meet that it was the Elohim (an alien civilization) that met Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. Tell them that the Elohim have selected a new prophet on Earth, named Raël. Tell them you have scientific proof (glowing silver tablets). When in doubt, remember, Mormons are gullible by definition. This may result in missionaries leaving the mission.
- If you live in California, walk up to a Mormon and tell them you're gay, that you find Mormon underwear a turn-on and you hope that gay marriage is taught in schools.
- Ask them why they believe Jesus and Satan are brothers, watch them deny the whole thing, then point them to their own doctrine and let them know they're going to Hell for ignoring it:
—Spencer W. Kimball, after one too many weed brownies. |
Trolling Mormons OL
Actually, trolling mormons online is ridiculously easy. They even gave trolls a place for them to work, called mormon.org. This site has a chat so that people interested in this religion could ask some questions about this church. In actuality, it is the place where trolls gather to get their daily dose of lulz. The most common question is: "Is it true that Mormons can have multiple wifes?" Sadly, no, they can't. One easy way to troll them is to accidentally spell their religion "Moron". Seriously, people with such a name are asking for it. Here is an example of some trolling material:
- "Welcome to Mormon.org chat.
- A representative will be with you shortly.
- Agent [Ofa] is ready to assist you.
- Me: Hello.
- Ofa: hello Jacob
- Ofa: how are you?
- Me: I'm pretty good. How are you?
- Ofa: Im fine thank you.
- Ofa: How can I help you??
- Me: I have a few questions about the Mormon Church etc.
- Ofa: Okay I can answer them!
- Me: Alright. My last church had over 9000 members. Does yours have over 9000 member
- Ofa: Yes actually we do.
- Me: What?
- Me: Over 9000?
- Me: Seriously?
- Ofa: Yes, at the end of last year it was 13,824,854
- Me: With a power level like that, you could probably one shot Vegeta.
- Me: I have another question though.
- Ofa: Okay
- Me: My friend told me, that if i Join the church i can get a free copy of your Bible thing?
- Ofa: You can actually get a copy of the Book of Mormon before you join the church.
- Me: Woah. That is very generous of you guys. Now does this book come with a copy of Battletoads?
- Ofa: Im sorry I dont know what that is haha.
- Me: You mean you don't have battletoads :/
- Ofa: If you want a copy of the Book of Mormon we can have missionaries deliver them to your house
- Ofa: You may go to mormon.org and under the tab "Ask a Question" you can click on Have the missionaries contact me.. and you can get your free copy of the Book of Mormon through there
- Me: Ahhhh. Sweeet! Thank you! But i have one more question for you.
- Me: Then i'll be out of your hair!
- Ofa: haha okay
- Me: Alrighty.
- Me: Magnets...
- Me: HOW DO THEY WORK?
- Ofa: hmmm maybe you can google that one!
- Me: Can't God tell you, and then you can tell me?
- Me: Or is God not that strong):
- Me: I hope he is.
- Me: I need to believe he can answer that question for me.
- Me: That is the one thing i don't get about the world.
- Me: Im looking for a god to answer it for me.
- Ofa: God can answer other questions for you directly
- Ofa: pray about it
- Me: I have.
- Me: I've got down on my knees.
- Me: And prayed.
- Ofa: then you have to go out and look for the answer
- Me: God told me to come here.
- Me: And ask you.
- Ofa: sometimes we have to work first for the answer
- Ofa: so you can do research on who invented magnets
- Ofa: haha
- Me: Well, didn't god invent magnets?
- Me: Because...god created everything right?
- Me: Or am i wrong there?
- Ofa: There are man made things that man created by the elements that God created
- Ofa: Man got creative to create things that we can use today.
- Me: Well, i'm pretty sure a Magnet is a natural occurring thing. Man harnessed magnets to hold up our pictures on the fridge. But Magnets have been around since before the earth was created."
Of course, there are numerous threads on /b/ calling for some massive trolling on the chat and posting results, and often many lulz ensue. However, surpsingly, missionaries evolve. It has been reported that they know very well the Bel-air song, due to the extensive number of /b/tards using it for trolling purposes. Further attempts to use it will be therefore detected. Sometimes they're so pissed off that they close the chat for a while.
-
Thats all it takes...
As suggested by a previous editor, I went onto Mormon chat, and asked the guy about the whole Lucifer being god son deal. My original intention was to troll, but arguing is more fun. Here's what went down, it's a little boring to start with:
Welcome to Mormon.org chat.
A missionary will be with you shortly.
Agent [Nate] is ready to assist you.
Nate: How may I help you?
Me: Hi nate.
Me: I was just glossing over the book of mormon, as you do, and I was wondering something, and thought you might be able to help me
Me: May I ask first, who is Father Elohim?
Nate: May I ask what interests you in that question?
Me: I just read a small paragraph that has his name, and I don't know who he actually is
Nate: Was that in the Book of Mormon?
Me: It was
Nate: I see you are trolling us.
Me: I'm seriously not
Nate: That name never appears in the Book of Mormon
Me: It does. I just read it, like, an hour ago
Me: If I was trolling you, this would be a very pathetic attempt. I'd have just asked you how magnets work or something
Me: I just Googled his name, and google tells me Father Elohim is go. Is that right?
Me: is god* sorry, my D key sticks
Nate: Could you show me the reference? But yeah, it's God the father
Me: Okay. Well I was also just reading a quote from Spencer W. Kimball, who said Lucifer, who I believe is the devil, and Jehovah are his two sons. Is that right?
Nate: Well, them and all of us are God's spirit children
Nate: Before this life we lived with God
Me: I don't recall living with him, but cool, might have to get regression to see if I can remember how awesome those times were.
Me: Anyway, back to my point. If God created Lucifer, why would he have not stopped him before he went all evil and because his fathers arch enemy?
Me: I said because, not became. It's 6.30am, and I've not slept, so my mind is a little out of it, sorry
Nate: Because God respects our agency
Nate: Even before this life He let us choose our path
Me: But if he stopped Lucifer in his tracks, we wouldn't have things like war, and people asking you how magnets work. He kinda screwed up, eh?
Nate: Not at all
Nate: Someone else would have made that decision
Nate: What good does it do to look at the past like that?
Nate: It is always the case: If one person doesn't screw up, someone else will.
Nate: If we didn't have our agency or ability to choose there would be absolutely no point to our existence
Nate: Agency is required for thought
Nate: If we cannot choose to think, then we cannot think.
Me: Yeah but if I screw up, or you screw up, it's no big deal. If god screws up, it affects us all. And now we're living in a world where the devil roams free, because he couldn't be bothered to stop him before all this happened.
Me: Tell the big guy I said thanks in your next prayer.
Nate: God didn't screw up
Nate: Lucifer did
Nate: The same way you're screwing up in your logic right now
Me: Actually, you're screwing up in logic. You JUST said "If one person doesn't screw up, someone else will." Implying that I was infact right about god screwing up. I'm aware that Lucifer screwed up before God, but God could have put him right before he got worse
Me: It's like, if you arrest a kid for shop lifting, chances are he'll stop. But if you let him go on his way, chances are it'll just get worse. Imagine Lucifer as that little kid shop lifting, and God as the man who refused to prosecute. Now that little shop lifting kid is a major criminal, and the shop keeper knows, but doesn't care that it's all his fault
The chat session has ended.
FUN FACT
Mormon married couples have some kind of breeding fetish, it's the duty of the MAN to be a Man and the Woman be a Woman.
Other made up religions compared to Mormonism
- Christianity
- Judaism
- Islam
- Bahai
- The Vatican
- Jehovah's Witness
- Seventh-Day Adventist
See Also
- Scientology: because if you can get away with Christ in the Americas, you can get away with volcanoes and H-bombs.
- Raelians, who believe Joseph Smith to have been a prior prophet of the Elohim.
- East High School Salt Lake City for more Mormon teen fun.
- Jew
- Mitt Romney
- Satanist
- Mental illness
External links
- Trey Parker and Matt Stone's documentary on Mormonism
- Hawt Fuckin Mormons
- Mormonism Research Ministry
- Collection of quotes from previous Moron prophets, good for much lulz.
- A place to chat with a Moron missionary live, on the Morons' official website!
Mormons they jus' love massacrin' folk!
- The California Volunteers did this one as stooges of the Morons but were led to the site by a Moron gunman. A surgeon later said it "was instigated without a doubt by the Mormons".
- Shoshone on the massacre
- Massacrin' round the USA: poor whites who warn't Moron this time, the Morons stole everything after righteously murderin' all the people
- Brigham Young done it but framed the Paiute Indians for it for a lOOOOOng time.
And that ain't all folks.
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Mormon is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
