Vegetarian

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Did You Know: The word "Vegetarian" comes from the Cherokee word for "bad hunter?"

	“	Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils ... commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.	„
	—1 Timothy 4:1-3

	“	For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.	„
	—Romans 14:2

ignorance is bliss

A vegetarian is the homosexual of the culinary world, though, unlike faggots, they do not eat meat. A trendy form of self-sustenance, it involves avoiding meat and only eating vegetables and roughage. This assures a healthy lifestyle accompanied by its various benefits, like the need to defecate twice as much as the average human being. Secondary factors are the princess and the pea (the more you ban, the more there is to fuss about), the desire for the blandest diet possible, or simply a severe hatred for plants. "Vegetarian" comes from the Cherokee word for "bad hunter." Usually the vegetarian will get cancer from not eating meat; to counter this, they are known to get protein from swallowing jizz.

Animal Abuse

1. "I don't like meat"
2. "I don't eat meat because killing animals is wrong and unnecessary. Farm animals live in horrible conditions and are tortured, only to be slaughtered soon after without painkillers. Unlike human fetuses and newborns, animals are living beings, with feelings and intelligence just the same. Hunting is also wrong. What did those poor animals do to you? Besides, meat is extremely unhealthy and can easily make you obese or give you cancer."

The first answer is as boring as hell. The second answer, however, is full of fail and lulz.

If animal abuse wasn't funny, ED would lose many of its pageviews. It's strange that CP and the pain series will make most veggies lol but not the image of a pig being decapitated. Often times enough, vegetarians will also claim that meat-eaters are oppressing them. Well, PETA oppresses meat-eaters. So GTFO.

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Health

The long-term effects of being a vegetarian will result in you turning into a vegetable, at which point cannibalism becomes the only option.

Although eating meat is more likely to make you fat, vegetarians shit twice as often as meat-eaters, which they use to grow more vegetables. You get twice the amount of shit for half the amount of food.

Vegetarians often cause air pollution as a result of farting like cattle and going into logical and just reasons as to why they are vegetarians.

PROTIP: Do not attempt to troll those that support your point of view.

Warning: Becoming a Veggie will turn you into a Woman

Although being a veggie is generally thought to be good for you, for men eating nothing but soya (a shitty alternative for most vegetarian and vegan fags) can increase the risk of losing one's meat.

Soya contains a chemical known as Jew which is very similar to oestrogen, a major female hormone. As any good transexual knows, men who receive female hormones begin to take on female traits such as titties, genital bleeding (usually after his dick falls off), and eventually, a mangina.

Other effects resemble PMS - such as being wildly emotional and generally becoming a self-righteous douchebag. However, some argue that this isn't the result of what vegetarians eat, it's simply the result of being a vegetarian.

Eating like a veggie is like doing foreplay with no REAL sex.

• TOW proves that eating soya can turn men into pussies

Religion

Some people deny themselves the succulent flesh of delicious animals because their god, gods, or goddesses say so. These people are nuts and should be avoided.

Non-conformity

Some people just want to stir up trouble. Nevar eat out with these people. Not only will they complicate your order, they will tell everyone pretending to listen that they are sheep for not breaking away from the savage society that refuses to eat tofu instead of bacon and eggs. These people are just doing it for the lulz and should be avoided.

Various Types of Vegetarians

Straightforward Vegetarians

A typical motto of a Muslim vegetarian. They still eating gay meat...

Typically, these do not eat meat, but have no trouble drinking milk and eating eggs, or consuming other animal products. Some will eat fish, but those are called Pescatarians, "pesca" being derived from the Greek word for poseur. Note that most girls who are pescatarians are lesbians because they would rather eat fish than put meat into their mouth. Some vegetarians also have no ethical problem in eating chicken, despite chickens being warm-blooded and cute members of the animal kingdom.

So much for "Don't eat meat! It's animal abuse!"

Freegans

Rummaging through trashcans to find something to eat, despite the fact they have money. Yes. Really.

Freegans believe that it's okay to eat anything as long as it's free. Often basement dwellers, their mothers continue to cook for them well into their twenties. Most homeless people are also freegans.

A Freegan is like a talking raccoon, but not nearly as tasty when you serve it as main dish after running it over, mainly because a normal raccoon enjoys a better diet that makes its meat more tender.

Raw Food Vegetarians

The "raw food" movement grew from an in-joke amongst Manhattan chefs. One such chef attested that trendy, upwardly-mobile people would eat anything as long as it is priced exorbitantly. This bizarre "style" spun out of control, and its advocates refuse to cook food at temperatures above 116°F. Raw offal at body temperature is a special favorite.

Vegans: The Hitler of the Food Chain

Vegans are pure vegetarians who will not eat any animal or use any animal-based product whatsoever, even honey. Srsly. This is often accompanied by the fact that they troll everywhere and try to convert people to vegans. They normally hypocritically claim that meat-eaters are trying to oppress them, even though in actuality they are oppressing the meat-eaters and the meat-eaters are retaliating

The term is stolen from its original meaning, i.e. someone from the vicinity of the star Vega.

Vegan communities are a great source of trolling fun. Vegans that are not merely suicidal due to their hatred for their own species are invariably haughty moralists, as judgmental as evangelical Christians at their worst (known by other vegans as "vegangelicals"). Some vegans have been known to troll anti-vegans back. A good way to troll vegans is to ask them if they are allowed to swallow cum. In rebuttal, all they would need to say is that human semen is released as a natural secretion. Ask them if human breast milk is vegan! Its not, and they MUST only feed their babies with delicious vegan soy milk. The babies will grow up to be just as smart and intellectual as their mom.

If you combine the mental laziness of hippies with the self-righteousness and intellectual rigor of the average teenager (see below), you get your average vegan.

Vegans love to bitch about how unhealthy meat and dairy is, and will often goad impressionable young vegetarians into becoming vegans, if they manage not to kill them. Unfortunately, what they do not realize is that cutting major parts of the human diet in any case is far unhealthier than eating a cheeseburger once in a while.

Furthermore, some vegans are noted for their opposition to standard forms of birth control, as animal proteins are used in the production of latex, and lambskin is, well, made out of lamb.

Nowadays, vegans like to live in places like California, specifically San Francisco, Berkeley, Sebastopol, and Portland, OR.

Ideally, in a future now indistinct and hazy, vegans will fall upon each other in cannibalistic lust, and all of Brooklyn will vanish in an orgy of blood and bone. As for now, sad as it is, a vegan may cast his or her size-zero shadow upon you or me at any time, interrupting our eternal and primal quest for the perfect rack of baby seal ribs, dolphin snout soup, or fillet of bald eagle.

Fruitarians

There's always someone who takes things too far; in the sordid world of the vegetarian this person is the fruitarian. Fruitarians believe that vegetables can feel and you shouldn't eat food unless it has "died of natural causes". They are like the Al Qaeda of food and have links to various animal extremist groups (many of whom attack children if they dare to eat the sacred flesh of an animal), except even the sand niggers aren't this batshit crazy. Fruitarians are mortal enemies of limecat and people with Huntington's disease.

Who Become Vegetarians?

16 year old girls

Mystery solved: this is the only reason why anybody in their right mind would ever stop eating delicious meat.

That looks delicious.

Vegetarianism is like bisexuality. Teenage girls always have a stage of it, but then they realize how lame it is and go back to meat.

Since most teenage girls go batshit insane over anything Kawaii they find the idea of eating baby lambs with big brown eyes horrible. They can only be cured by being shown that meat belongs in the mouth.

Most vegetarian girls are also pro-ana because they are obsessed with their weight. Unless they are Snapesnogger or internet diseased having a cheezburger or two wouldn't hurt them - or at least upgrade them from anorexic to bulimia.

Hippies

They don't actually eat the vegetables (or anything for that matter) but they do smoke a lot of grass. Further proof that being a vegetarian leads to being a liberal who preaches equality but usually ends up shitting himself and trembling to bits.

Buddhists

Because they believe in reincarnation, they think eating meat is a form of cannibalism. Since many of them also have the IQ of a cow after smoking stuff they shouldn't, they may be right.

Liberals

Since they believe everything deserves rights (except vegetables and unborn babies) they don't eat meat. They are most likely to be Vegans.

While most of the people already mentioned will probably go off vegetarianism eventually, these ones are the die-hards and the most epic source of Lulz who will rant and rave about why it's evil to eat meat because you're killing helpless animals, then try to kill you for not agreeing with them.

Although some rich fucks are vegans (such as Weird Al Yankovic and the bullshit artists of Rise Against), most are poor students or poor college professors, who probably couldn't afford more than soup noodles anyway. Vegans like to flavor their noodles with the tears of subsidized farmers. They are also fond of coming out with great mindfucks at dinnertime, e.g. if eggs are on your menu, a vegan "friend" will announce "Wow, chicken periods (monthlies)." Because whining is a tenet of veganism, many emos and scene fags are vegans and exceptions to poorer vegans as they are attracted to the concept of bitching about something largely irrelevant to them in their usually perfect middle class lives.

Animal Haters

That's right, a small but growing minority of vegetarians are animal haters. This is due to the realization that an all vegetable diet kills more animals than meat supplemented diets. The "animal loving" vegetarians try to argue about this fact by saying that cows are more important life forms than mice and voles and field animals, but if you are going to argue that certain living life forms are more important than others you should quickly realize that humans are more important than cows.

Nazis

Hitler was a vegetarian. IT ARE FACT. He thought it was wrong to eat poor, defenseless animals but thought it was ttly awesome to herd Jews into ovens. In his defense, even meat-eaters don't normally eat rats. Unlike Liberals, even the Nazis gave up eventually.

Of course, vegetarians like to deny that Hitler was, in fact, vegetarian, on the grounds that he ate meat on occasion. These same people also like to claim that Lincoln was a Liberal.

Vegan Warfare

With the exception of humans, vegans universally care about the welfare of animals, and may be found in constant, undaunted struggle against non-vegans. Media-savvy yet terrifyingly tl;dr, this struggle consists of spamming internet communities with photos of slaughtered animals and how cruel it is to enjoy a Paula Dean recipe. Naturally, no vegan attack is complete without at least one reference to the Church of Veganism. And remember, it's self-evident that eating meat is the same as committing the Holocaust because sure, people died during WW2, but do you know how many pigs are dying!??

Vegans will often accuse the non-deranged of bringing about the coming apocalypse, usually accompanied by vague statements such as ["Meat is no longer sustainable. Therefore, it will not help us survive in the future."] Such nebulous statements may seem to be at odds with the conventional concept of sustainability, but since nobody really takes vegans seriously to begin with, who fucking cares?

Theoretically beyond vegan is the Vgn, someone who survives off non-organic substances. Their diets consist of water, mineral oil, and plastic (two of which are, in fact, organic).

SPECIAL MENTION: Matthew Lush

Famous MySpace/Stickam camwhore Matthew Lush is known for his batshit insane views on animal rights such as:

Okay, first off, I'm a vegetarian and I only date vegetarians. If you’re not a vegetarian, you’re stuck in the past. You might as well call yourself a homophobe or a stubborn Republican. You cannot be gay and call yourself a Republican, sorry, but you can't. Do some research if you do, idiot. But yea, the shit they do to animals these days are uncalled for! It's the twenty first century; you don’t need meat to survive.

Warning: The following video contains an insane level of faggotry and fail.
BALEETED If you know of a mirror please upload.

Judging by his looks, however, he is in no position to call anyone a pussy. You can give him a ring anytime at (323) 271-0151, a number he willingly advertises. (No shit) For additional lulz, ask him if he thinks it's paradoxal that he won't date a meat eater, yet he has no qualms about choking down a fat cock. Chew a burger as loud as you can for moar man points. Also, notably, he is concerned that meat can damage your colon if you eat it, but is unconcerned about having a piece of meat pound the shit out of that same colon in acts of extreme buttsecks.

You can help by trolling his MySpace and his stickam.

SPECIAL MENTION: ECLOVEANIMALS

ECLOVEANIMALS is a battshitcrazy vegan black person who claims to be Wiccan and a member of the Animal Liberation Front. Her nonsensical and lulzy videos on YouTube protest animal cruelty and proselytize the sanctity of phallic shaped crystals that were raped form the earth. She is a 32 year old black person from NYC, and is suspected to really be black person in hiding.

She has a tendency to delete her videos shortly after their posting and becomes extremely butthurt if anyone attempts to troll her YouTube channel. Protip: next time upload it to liveleak.

Gluten Free Raw Veganism - A Journal

Food victim

• 2/5/2011 I am a 300 lb BBW. I am not ashamed of my size, but at the same time, I am a victim of hetero-normative beauty ideals, a sedentary society and readily available fast food. I am also a victim of improper food education, so I decided to empower myself with raw foods! I read on a raw food blog that I'm not to blame for my sedentary lifestyle and poor diet. I can blame society for providing me with fast food, the government for not educating me about food properly, and my job and child for not allowing me to be active. My healthful journey begins!

• 2/19/2011 I have eliminated all processed food from my house. I replaced it with vegetables like kale, spinach and broccoli, nuts, hemp and flaxseed. I've already lost 20 lbs! My child appears pale and weak. It must be the increased nut intake. I read on a blog that he might be allergic to nuts. Poor child! I'll remove them from his diet.

• 3/8/2011 I must suffer from the same nut allergy as my young child, as lately I've been weak and light headed. My nails are brittle and my hair is falling out. Curse this nut allergy!

• 4/12/2011 I've lost 40 lbs! But my weakness continues. I'm forgetful and hardly have the strength to make it to the grocery store for my kale runs. I read on a blog that some people can be intolerant to hemp and flaxseed, so I've removed them from our home. Finally, health!

• 4/19/2011 My child is growing weaker. He must be sneaking dairy or gluten at his friend’s house. For his well-being, I'll tie him to his bed. I love you baby--mommy's here to make sure you're healthy!

Fully detoxed

• 6/30/2011 My skin is dull and cracked. I'm nearly bald and my vision has deteriorated. I now weigh 90 lbs. The detox continues!

• 9/14/2011 I'm having trouble separating my dreams from reality. My child must be doing better as he's crying less and less. I haven't shown up to work since May. My teeth are nearly flat from chewing.

• 9/16/2011 A surge of energy! I crave protein. When clearing out my house of processed foods, bread, dairy, nuts and animal protein, I must've forgotten this strange room at the end of the hall. There's a roast pig lying on the bed. I break my diet and bury my teeth in its flesh. Blood dripping from my chin, I feel for the meatiest parts as I gasp for air and go back in. The legs are clean to the bone. The taste is oddly familiar, like an old family recipe.

Trivia

They do.

Wikihow can't tell you how to be one

• Fruits are technically tree genitals because they carry the tree's seeds.
• According to vegetarians, eating away all of the plants and destroying our only source of oxygen the environment will somehow manage to be saved and global warming will end.
• Invented by poor people, vegetarianism has since become a fad among sophisticated liberals like Hitler, Hepkitten and Azad_slide, and should be ignored at all costs.
• Interestingly enough, the harvest of organic matter means the death of a fuckload of animals. Since a field of grain is to mice and rabbits as a large bag of Doritos is to Iconoclast, they tend to stay there when the threshers arrive. This is mildly ironic.
• Tofu is made of drywall, curdled soy milk and old newspapers.

• All vegans should become camwhores, because gelatin is used to hold silver halide crystals in an emulsion in virtually all photographic films and photographic papers (there is no substitute - except a digital camera). This is an urgent task if they are to encourage the rest of the internets not to use technology that was obsolete 100 years ago.
• It would be catastrophic if the entire human race were to turn vegan and stay that way. Not only would people be weaker and crabbier, but over millions of years, humans would devolve back into grazing animals, because you need meat be smarts. Mmm-hmm.
• Origin of the word "Vegetarian" - Although the word "Vegetarian" is commonly thought to have it's origin from the Cherokee word for Bad Hunter, recent discoveries have uncovered the remnants of a lost civilization that was the precursor of what eventually became the Cherokee Nation. From pictograms and verbal history it seems the Cherokees were a splinter group that eventually left this failing social structure due to an increasing number of tribesmen who could not hunt, and were too physically weak to gather any food. These ever increasing noncontributing outcasts placed their hopes on the shoulders of a new leader, "Chews-His-Cud" (pronounced War-wak) who hypothesized that their failure did not rest with the outcasts but rather with the outdated social structure and low morals of the hunters. Sensing the impending total annihilation of his tribes people Cherokeecon hatched a plan to to lead the Vegan'A-Starve people up into the "High Grounds," leaving them with only their words to eat.

Gallery

• 
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  "I've heard the cry of the vegetables ..."
• 
• 
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  Keep being AWESOME!
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  Trolling the vegans at TOW
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  Vegans fail to understand that vegetables have feelings too
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  The beer companies are doing it wrong
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  Do nature a favor.
• 
  A butthurt vegan.

External Links

• One member of DA says why it's better to eat meat. We can think of a reason why.
• Its OK to eat animals because they can scream when they die, but eating plants is wrong because they can't. Captain Ponyhawk tells it like it is.
• www.Vegetablecruelty.com WARNING: What vegans fail to understand is the suffering they inflict on countless fruits and vegetables.
• [1] Send this link to any vegan and claim its a animal protection site or some shit.
• [2] A typical vegan enjoys his meal.

See Also

• Dave Warwak
• Camille Marino
• Vegan Rebuttal
• PETA
• Liberal
• 16 year old girl
• Communism
• Shit no one cares about
• Hippie
• The raw food movement
• Jackson Jawbreaker

	Vegetarian is part of a series on Food and Drink [BleurghOm Nom Nom]
Food Bacon • Bacon and Eggs • Bread • Candwich • Cheeky Nando's • Chick-Fil-A • Fried Chicken • Chocolate Ice Cream • Cookies • Mayonnaise • Cupcake • Delicious Cake • Double Down • Green Onions • Ham • Honey Bunches of Oats • Hot Dogs and Sausages • Jesus Tortilla • Leeks • Liver • Meat • Pasta • Pears • Nutella • Pie • Pizza and Beer • Pork • Potato • Ramen • Sammich • Spaghettios • Subway • Sushi • Taco Bell • Topkek • Waffles • Watermelonz • Wendy's Superbar Drink Alcohol • Crystal Head Vodka • Coffee • Jizztini • Kool-AIDS • Milk • Mountain Dew • Pabst Blue Ribbon • Tentacle Grape • Whiskey • Wilkins Coffee Delicious Internets Ainsley Harriott • The Annoying Orange • BREADCRAB • Dancing Sandwich • Make me a sandwich • Food Pyramid • Gordon the Pringles Giraffe • Hypnocake • Loli Haet Pizza • Mershed Perderder • Sea Kittens • The Domino's YouTube Incident • Paula Deen • People eating fruit • Wikipedia's Greatest Hits Food • Растишка Not Fit For Consumption Amy's Baking Company • Andouillette • Armin Meiwes • Gordon Ramsay • HowToBasic • Jared Fogle • McDonalds • Pocky • Simply Sara • Subservient Chicken • Sugarless Gummy Bears • Calamari • The McNugget Burgler

Featured article November 18, 2006
Preceded by None	Vegetarian	Succeeded by Spambot