Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears
Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears, better known by their street name Satan's Thunder Demonshits (STDs), or among the children as "Daddy's Special-time Candy", are an inedible abomination produced from the minds of ex-Nazis; the unfortunate byproduct of the German company Haribo attempting to sail waters long unfriendly to Europeans—humanities and health ethics. Originally sold as a targeted poison for the average loser overwhelmed with munchies from a bit of the old herbal jew, Haribo miscalculated the popularity of their own normally-delicious products and quickly saw a record number of complaints, lawsuits, and cease and desist letters as the entire world pigged out on a "healthy" alternative to their childhood dreams.
Killer of Childhood Dreams
The internet has been around for a while. During this period, most of us have had our innocence raped away from our psyche. However, there are still small parcels that exist in the real world, often overlooked for their brilliant simplicity, which allow us to have just one more small glimpse into our precious, carefree years. Gummy bears are one of these things. But, when placed in the hands of the offspring of the people that gassed and burned humans for lulz, what we have left is a sick, fucked up version of everything good in this world, turning our few childhood memories to nightmares that will literally and physically leave you with cold chills and in fetal position writhing in your own waste. If candy had an uncanny valley, this would be the definition. The ingredients are simple enough: Lycasin, demon cum, and bonemeal.
What the people think
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Full Review Copypasta
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN! First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper. BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible. AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
Legally and Discretely Troll the Ever-Living Fuck Out of the World
- Bring to parties
- Give as a gift to ex-goyfriends
- Give as a gift to enemies
- Give as a gift to family
- Give as a gift to friends
- Give as a gift to a government employee
- Donate as a thank-you parcel to the local Sheriff's Office
- Donate as a gift to the local hospital
- Give to your friend's pets just before they compete in a dogfight with your pet
- Give to your friend's grandparents to hasten their inheritance
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UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES FEED THIS TO YOURSELF |
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See also
- Diahrrea
- Shit
- Crap
- Jenkem
- Eproctophilia
- Epic Toilet Story
- Upper Decker
- Nightmare Fuel
- Eating disorder
- Diabetes
External links
- Official Amazon Page - a 5 pound bag
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| Featured article March 8th & 9th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Neknominate |
Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears | Succeeded by Rap Genius |