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Anime

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Animu

ZZZZZZZZZZ KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!

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“ 		 
Anime is a prime example of why two nukes wasn't enough
  		„
  		 

—New Hampshire Democrat State Representative Nick Levasseur, [1]

If you noticed she is holding a watermelon first, then you are completely normal.
What is this faggotry?
3D Porn is the easiest way to troll animu fanbois, as seen here when the MarshviperX tripban saga spilled over to /a/.

Animu (sometimes called anime, animé, animeh, and Japanimation) is Japan's poor excuse for a genre of cartoons. Animu's true purpose is to erode the minds of innocent Americunt children, 16 year old girls, and basement dwellers so that Americunts will eventually only know the words "KAWAII" and "DESU", leading to America to fully submit to Japan. After all, it's cheaper to import these shitty, poorly-drawn cartoons rather than pay for real American talent, right? Animu's secondary purpose is to be corrupted into hentai, which will be censored anyways, so who really gives a fuck?

A typical Animu scene

History

 
Translation fail. Or not?
File:Lolicon2343.jpg
Even though she is 13, she can take a 8 inch cock easily. and that's AWW-RIGHTTT!

Animu was created by talentless Japanese artists as a clue to how fucked up Japanese men's minds in Japan. This is due to the Americunts during World War II dropping atomic bombs on them. Now, thanks to the Interbutts, legions of kiddie-diddling male mouth-breathers walk the malls and school corridors of America, looking from beneath sweat-soaked cat ears to make your sweet little Suzie or Billy part of their sickening 2-D sexual scenario. And it's even worse in Japan, where animu has mutated into the nightmare of moe, in which grown men now pine for tiny girls with no tits the way their dads used to fap to Ursula Andress or Raquel Welch. Gross.

The first animu was technically The Story of the Concierge Mukuzo Imokawa created in 1917, but the film Hakujaden, created in 1958 (by assholes), is widely regarded as the first "modern" example of animu. They were basically only trying to copy us at the time, which is ironic since we had just bombed their asses the decade before. Of course, the tentacle rape and invisidick stuff is all their idea, so keep blaming them for that.

In the 1980s and 1990s, animu began to become popular in America, although it still remained mostly "underground" (in a contradiction that illustrates how absurd the use of the word underground has become).

Fail War With /sp/

On February 15, 2010 a small minority of 4chan /sp/ trolls launched one of their fail raids against /a/. The attack garnered little attention and could have been thwarted completely with simple mod intervention. After the 12 year-olds had lost interest and gone to bed, /a/'s tripfags felt it appropriate to spam /sp/ with faggy diplomacy threads. The /sp/artan rednecks didn't take kindly to this nicey-nice gesture and a counterstrike ensued. The conflict eventually devolved into /a/ being spammed with "my face" and "You're all gonna die alone" threads, and /sp/ being exposed to the ungodly horrors of gay animu pornography . More 12 year-old faggots (particularly from /mu/) eventually joined in, mostly in support of /a/, and contributed to the clusterfuck until the faggot mod finally finished masturbating to child porn and went on a banning spree. In the end, nothing was gained except a realization by most chantards that 4chan had a sports board. Ultimately, 4chan's "/sp/ecial friends" proudly put themselves among the ranks of /a/ and /v/: grown men who will never amount to anything, and most certainly will degenerate into masturbating to child porn (like the faggot mod).

Laws and Rules

The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural phenomena that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good chuckle.

  1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
  2. Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4. Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.
  3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
  4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
  5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
  6. Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
  7. First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
    • NOTE: Sometimes, Anime heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases, they were a clone or cyborg and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.
  8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die… regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
  9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
  10. Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a "Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
  11. Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
    1. First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
    2. Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
  12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
  13. Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or spacecraft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.
  14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
    1. First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
  15. Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
  16. Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the "Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
    1. First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
    2. Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds, the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
    3. Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.
    4. Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he will hit.
  17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more.)
  18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
  19. Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work just as well…
  20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
    1. First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses.
  21. Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t…
  22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little things… like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
  23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults are. And almost twice as annoying.
  24. Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".
    1. First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)
    2. Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
    3. Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome "Good Guys".
  25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
  26. Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
    • be female.
    • will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
    • wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
  27. Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used as a last resort.
  28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
  29. Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
  30. Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
  31. Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
  32. Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s hair is the same way you deal with demons… with bladed weapons!
  33. Law of Continual Degradation- The more often an anime character relies on a super powerful attack the less effective it becomes in all following fights.
    • (see Dragonball Z, Gurren Lagann, or Yu Yu Hakusho for prime examples)
  34. Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
    1. First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
    2. Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
    3. Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence) - The clothing on the hero is indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows, or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice attack… Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)
  35. Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on… especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.
  36. Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five.
    • There are five basic positions, which are:
      • The Hero/Leader
      • His Girlfriend
      • His Best Friend/Rival
      • A Hulking Brute
      • A Dwarf/Kid
    • Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
      • Extreme Coolness
      • Amazing Intelligence
      • Incredible Irritation
  37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
    1. First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
  38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
  39. Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get and vice-versa.
    1. First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world…
  40. Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get erections; they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though… the current theory suggests that larger eyes mean smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law 38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
  41. Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper and almost always indestructible.
  42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
  43. Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia - There is no Law 43.
  44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).
  45. Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
  46. Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
  47. Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
  48. Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
    1. First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
  49. Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor"). This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (>Sniff Sniff
  50. Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
  51. Law of Uninterruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave Phenomenon")
  52. Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!!
    • The reasons for this are:
      • They forgot that the person is telepathic.
      • They just don’t give a damn.
    • The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
      • They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
      • They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
      • They just don’t give a damn.
  53. Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
  54. Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
    1. First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.
  55. Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
  56. Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
    1. First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy".
    2. Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring:
      • The control device being broken.
      • The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
      • The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy".
      • The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
  57. Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
  58. Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes:
    • A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look.
    • A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.
  59. Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods)
  60. Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)
  61. Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
  62. The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
  63. Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few… of even the one.
  64. Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
  65. Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)
  66. Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
    1. First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
    2. Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
  67. Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
  68. Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system; a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
    1. First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles that clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude, and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver.
    2. Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
  69. Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.
  70. Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.
  71. Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws 37, 49, and 65)
  72. Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack), Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
  73. Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
  74. Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either:
    • Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition),
    • Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls,
    • Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling,
    • Get raped by tentacles.
  75. Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
  76. Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
  77. Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)
  78. Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.
  79. Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life…
  80. Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics - If a captain of any type of ship is:
    • Male - He will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician.
    • Female - She will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). She will too be a great tactician; however, womyn cannot drive due to the FACT that they did not evolve opposable thumbs, so the chance of survival is -9000%.
  81. Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz. Wear at nighttime or indoors for +2 fuckwadness.
  82. Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex.
  83. Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible.
    1. First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toastied.
  84. Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish… but his old teacher did(see 55)!
  85. Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws 67, 69, and 84)
  86. Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!1). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
    • Usually this results in:
      • The hero escaping.
      • Clean-up for the underlings.
      • The villain getting toastied.
  87. Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
  88. Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary, pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects… like bottles of 7-up.
  89. Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it…
  90. Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following characteristics:
    • Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
    • Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.
  91. Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up… completely… despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive vagina. (89 and 90 above)
  92. Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their fame (or infamy), or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.
  93. Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen HAS to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
    1. First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a dog, cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with a girl that is following him around is there because:
      • It’s his girlfriend’s.
      • It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
      • Chicks will dig him more.
    2. Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
      • It’s her boyfriend’s.
      • It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
      • It makes her look cool.
  94. Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
  95. Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!…")
    1. First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO ONE knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle…
    2. Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
    3. Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting… offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
  96. Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes(see 34). Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur.
    1. First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive that you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the A-ko/B-ko Thing)
  97. Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
  98. Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crewmembers:
    • The captain
    • His Lieutenant
    • Various female technical staff
    • A hotshot pilot
    • A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
    • The Doctor
    • The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
    • Weighted among the crew are various quirks, which include:
      • Extreme coolness/luck
      • Amazing Intelligence
      • Incredible irritation
      • Extreme cuteness
      • Irresponsible drunkenness
      • Homophobicness
      • Emotionless (Idiots.)
  99. Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so…
  100. Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen, including a character origin flashback in the middle of the most important fight scene in the entire anime.

Example:

Do note the shape and behaviour of the amazin Azn missile.

The "Artform"

Animu is often praised for its artistry and the high quality of the animation. It is often bagged for its incredibly convoluted and constantly repeated story lines (erroneously called "plots"), its high amount of violence, sex (including tentacle rape) and foreign values (like animal rights, sportsmanship, self-respect and filial duty), and its tendency to cause epileptic attacks in small children. Animu plots are often far-fetched, contrived and repetitive, quickly becoming boring and the "humour" quickly becoming unfunny to anyone who is not a brainwashed otaku with a negative IQ.

 
A typical male animu character.
 
Look at all the detail in that cock....
  • Animu males are usually very skinny and effeminate (but with uber-fighting skills) with silly whining galore, or are very muscular and ugly (Japs seem to think they are the toughest street gangstas in the world). A significant trend is that the more unique a character is, the longer they will survive, save for a few exceptions (e.g. Bad guys that aren't skinny, Bad guys that aren't oozing smugliness); generic foot-soldiers should at least put a large scar across their cheek in order to survive even a few episodes.
  • Animu females are usually busty, white, over-emotional and have eardrum-shattering high-pitched pre-adolescent voices because Japs whack off to the voices of little girls. Or the girls have a "deep voice" (what would be a normal adult female speaking voice outside of Japan) and have a dark, mysterious past and create anti-lulz. Chicks in anime can't take fellatio without breaking their weak jaws and possibly blowing their small noses apart. They will coo eagerly for real American man meat, in contrast to the almost nonexistent bishie penises that girls IRL prefer to yours.
  • People of significant skin tone and prominent labial characteristics rarely exist in animu, and when they do, they usually look like something out of a banned Bugs Bunny cartoon from the 1950's. White Otakus excuse this by claiming that Japan is an isolated island with no knowledge of the outside world. This is of course total bullshit because Japan has uber-technology (just look at their giant humanoid robots) and most Japs have more access to teh Internets than Americans do (as well as access to mind-numbing video games). IRL, Japs are a very racist people but still love everything Western, especially after their defeat in World War II. For some reason, in animu they seem to be obsessed with France. Of all the Western countries to be obsessed over, they choose FUCKING FRANCE. Fortunately, as displayed later, Germany is retaking its positions.

More recent animus are even gayer and have characters with eyes that literally take up more than half of their face, hair that is bright and colorful enough to give someone a fucking headache, a nose that's impossible to see without a microscope, and girls that orgasm every 10 seconds for no fucking reason whatsoever. Of course, in typical animu, everyone can jump at least 100 feet in the air and punch through solid concrete-reinforced steel or swing a sword hard enough to create a tornado like Japs wish they could do in real life.

Despite claims that Anime people are white, the small jaw and lack of a real brow indicate that they are Japanese people without squinty eyes.

They also refuse to call Japanese cartoons "cartoons" because this is an English word, and they have forgotten how to use it because of brain-damaging, seizure-inducing cartoons and eating those sugar-laden Choco-sawdust Sticks. However, they are excellent at enraging every normal person within earshot simply by bullshitting about these unimportant aspects of Japan.

OMG Hot!

 
Six reasons to watch Dragon Ball Z

Animu chicks, with their irresistible giant eyes, piercing voices, oddly colored she-mullet hair, their lipless mouths, and their tendency to act like complete fucktards, have found themselves entering the wet dreams of many lonely nerds, resulting some to prefer animu ladies to RL wimminz.

This is probably because animu bitches don't care if you're fat, greasy and masturbate to lolicon, they don't slap you in the face when you compliment their tits before even properly introducing yourself, and they don't call the police when they find you in their room masturbating into their panties whilst holding their baby photos in your spare hand.

The ladies of the animu world don't care about such trivial matters of which we just mentioned, all they want to do is engage in deviant sex acts with you. In this way animu girls are very similar to Russians.

Animu girls also have the amazn ability to materialize a massive bludgeoning weapon out of thin air and yell "BAKA HENTAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!" at an ear-splitting volume and beating the living shit out of the male protagonists.

  Moar info: Hentai.

Moe

 
See if you can spot some moe characteristics here.

Moe is a Japanese slang word referring to a fetish or love for characters in animu, manga and video games. The word has come to be used as a general term for a hobby, enthusiasm, or a non-sexual fetish. Moe characters have appealing traits such as glasses, clumsiness, young age, cute dress, etc.. All suitable characteristics for someone who is going to get raped. This is why they are included in many animus; authors like to create their show with as little effort as possible, as when a moe character is introduced all other qualities of the show can be thrown out the window, since animu fans only care about character development.

Chibi

 
OMGKAWAII!1!!!!111!
File:Chibi1.jpg
Chibi, vocalist of The Birthday Massacre

The pinnacle of absolute faggotry and lack of imagination, Chibi is the offspring of worthless wapanese cockminds following a two-step animé tutorial in order to feel clever and artistic. Also known as "Super-Hyper-Ultra-Deformed" (or simply super-deformed, SD), it is the bastardized version of the Japanese word "chiisai", which means "small." Otaku apply this term to pictures of animu characters with compacted, stubby little bodies and gigantic, oversized heads. Fangirls have yet to realize that no Japanese person over the age of 6 ever uses this term. Everyone on 4chan commonly fap to this shit due to its similarity to loli.

Chibi is responsible for creating the many otaku emoticons that have remained alive to this very day. It is also commonly used by the yaoi community to describe the uke in a relationship.

Fangirls and Fanboys

 
Typical Animu fan.

Animu has an enormous fandom worldwide consisting mostly of 16 year old girls, 13 year old boys, and 30-something basement-dweller males, and there are literally thousands of communities on LiveJournal devoted to this art form. Another site, Pisoga, is devoted entirely to animu and consists of hundreds of fans. Hardcore animu fans call themselves otakus, and spend most of their time masturbating to and making AMVs which they then upload to JewTube.

Fanboys/Fangirls watch an unhealthy amount of animu, Causing their eyes to stretch to unholy widths until they look like full blown owl-eyed Indians.

Most fans pretend to have a high knowledge of Japanese culture and language, though they have never been to Japan or even read a book about Japan, and can't even say the most popular Japanese words like "animu" correctly. They often attempt to use Japanese words (but at incorrect times, with the wrong meaning, the wrong conjugation, and the wrong pronunciation) and also pretend to like eating Japanese cuisine, their knowledge of it limited to Pocky, sushi, and Raymond Noodles, which they also cannot pronounce.

In some rare cases, a person can take animu in low doses, and still maintain some level of normalcy. A person who has been able to watch animu and still return from the brink may even maintain a healthy interest in Japanese culture without quoting shit from it incessantly, however such a case is very rare. Fapping to anything animé is the point of no return.

No fans over the age of 12 will admit to ever having liked Dragon Ball Z, but every single animu fan in the world got hooked on Dragon Ball Z before they watched anything else. Some people grew up on Dragon Ball which we all know makes you OG and super cool and not at all as lame as DBZ fans.



A fangirl butthurt over the censorship of animu in America, so she compares it to Disney.
This is a five-part series.

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Japan Loves the Cock their animu

File:Furfagbawwww.PNG
Furfag voraphiles like anime too

Everyone in or from Japan loves animu. If you meet a Japanese person who doesn't breathe, eat and excrete animu, then that person is not really Japanese. In Japan you are considered a geek if your room isn't filled with manga, animu VHS and lolicon posters.

The large role animu plays in Japanese culture has lowered the country's standards a little and if you're on a holiday in Japan with your young prepubescent daughter; if you see a man next to you be sure to punch him in the face repeatedly until he dies as that guy is probably wishing he could sprout tentacles and rape your daughter.

Emos are also fond of watching animu as well, especially Pokémon as part of some gay ironic thing. It is not uncommon to stumble across an emo singing the Pokémon theme tune aloud, thinking he's the lulz even though he's just being a retard. It's people like this that make ED almost thankful for AIDS. Too bad that they won't be affected by it as they will never get laid.

Japan loves 4chan as well

File:2ch goaway.png

Animu Genres

 
Girls are usually drawn in skin tight spandex.
 
Nazi's love anime too
 
Imitation Western anime, don't be fooled!

Note that some shows are listed under multiple genres. While one would expect that a show with multiple genres is more intricate, complex and interesting, each additional genre actually just compounds the fail already present.

Don't believe me? 'Panty' (yes, thats her name) uses a gun that transforms from her panties that she takes off in public.

  • Educational: The moar you know!

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Gallery of Typical Animu Cliché's

Animé Faggotry About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

External Links

Anime is part of a series on 日本国


Typical Japanese People.　日本人
Filthy Frank • Hard Gay • Mutsuo Toi • Otoya Yamaguchi • Satoshi Uematsu • Shoko Asahara

●

Typical Japanese Culture.　日本の人文

2chan • Anime • Animu Archetypes • Big Daikon • Dating sim • Gaiden • Herbivore Men • Japanese Bug Fights • Manga • Shimajiro


Typical Japanese Porn.　日本の猥本
Bukkake • Guro • Harem Comedy • Hentai • Lolicon • Pantyshot • Shotacon • Yaoi • Yuri

 

Anime is part of a series on

Chans

Visit the Chans Portal for complete coverage.

 

Anime is part of a series on

Anime

Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.

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