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Branca

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Branca is an Epic Lolcow
 * giggle *

The humble, sexy and wholesome queen of Gorillaz! Don't you ever forget her beauty mark, her gorgeous body and her shapely legs!

Branca would lead us to believe that a playboy rockstar who can fuck any pussy he wants would decide to exclusively hit (and marry) this. Can we say thinly veiled wish fulfillment?

Branca is the prime example of the generic Mary Sue, but she is unique in her mediocrity and ridiculous popularity. Somehow horribly raping the Gorillaz with childish fandom and comics about herself and her love life with a fictitious lead singer has earned her more than 300,000 pageviews and about 700 watchers on the bastion of high brow sophisticates with discerning artistic taste that is DeviantART.

For the lulz: Branca's more accurate beginning in Kong Studios. The picture taken from here sums up everything.

History

   
“ 		 
Thanks a lot for ruining Gorillaz for me you stupid cow
  		„
  		 

—Muaka1 - making as much drama as Branca does.

Even Google is smart.
Fractured eye sockets are genetic, and the same goes for azure hair.
She's a pro! Deffo.
Predictably, Branca's self-insert Mary Sue looks nothing like her. Yet, unlike most internets fangirls, Branca can't even muster the talent to make her Sue look anything close to attractive.

Branca was born many years ago, when the internet was still young, and seemed to have arrived on there like a bombshell, dropping dozens of drawings depicting her alter ego, Branca, as the somehow both pretentiously 'loving' and cute and somewhat lascivious and vulgar wife of the Gorillaz's cartoon lead singer 2D. Despite 2D's character being written by the creators as quite the 'playa', he immediately falls for the puppy-punching charms of Branca and knocks her up in the context of sweet, schlong-shackling monogamy. From this moment on, the genetics theory went to pot (or Tusspot. Whatever) as the two produce a blue-haired, no-eyed abomination against God. The fact that she can't come up with anything besides a generic, childish notion of domestic bliss to express her manic "love" for a fictional famous frontman is also pretty telling.

Misplaced boobs?

Countless zany, mostly annoyingly clean-cut (apart from the nudity), badly drawn comic adventures followed to convey their daily life as a happy family and, most importantly, highlight Branca's apparent existence in the life of the Gorillaz. Oddly, this includes the character Murdoc, despite the fact that he would probably take a bite out of the baby if given the chance. Murdoc is always referred to by Branca as her 'buddy', even though she says he's ugly, dirty, horny and gay. It doesn't matter anyway, because, like the rest of Gorillaz, he doesn't fucking exist. But Branca is so amazing she can tame even the BIGGEST ASSHAT BAND MEMBER. Man, she is as infectious as AIDS! Stupid Gorillaz fangirls naturally praise Branca and wish to be like her, even knowing they're only playing the role of the nice and friendly pals in the vain hope that Branca will draw them with 2D and thus somehow canonize their retarded fantasies.

Despite being 27 years old, in fit shape and married, you could say that Branca is the role model for 16 year old Suethors on the internets. Perish forbid.

The Comics

Branca wouldn't hurt a fly. Only her "husband" and "friends", and any innocent bystanders.
Branca doing what she does best; annoying Gorillaz, and everyone else, by asking for their constant attention.

Branca not only makes shitloads of beautiful drawings featuring the Gorillaz and her gorgeous self, but she's also drawn over 9000 comics just to be sure the world knows that she is the sole focus of the imaginary band's life (in other words, Branca is the protagonist and the Gorillaz members get the supporting role). The comics are usually divided into two or more parts and very crudely drawn. This comes as little surprise because, in fact, Branca never puts time and love into her art. She's just doing it for the internet fame. Also of note is her complete mastery of the Engrish language. The stories always end in one place: in bed. Why? Because 2D is her husband, and physical attraction is all their relationship is built on!

Here's a more formal term for Let's fuck!.
Here's Paula Cracker. 2D's taste in women has taken a turn for the worst.
Fanart showing 2D kissing Paula. Branca will probably chop off his penis for that, as shown in many comics that she recently baleeted in order to try to look wholesome and nice.

Branca will make a fuss if you mess with the characters she invented (see gallery). If you draw her fanart so something is "wrong" (i. e. the color of the hair is too light, the anatomy is sound and the characters don't look as if they're made of rubber, etc.), she will bitch endlessly about it, pointing out she made a precious Q & A for her characters. But when it's her turn to draw guest characters, she messes up all of their personalities, portrays all of the Gorillaz completely out of character, and does the same to the characters of other pathetic internets artists as well.

She also transformed the character Paula Cracker (2D's ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with Murdoc in the actual, lame, unnecessary Gorillaz storyline) into an evil bitch who plots every minute to steal 2D from sweet and wholesome Branca. This is particularly retarded, seeing as Paula is part of a backstory and was out of the Gorillaz scene before the then all-male band somehow acquired Noodle. What's the point of exhumating a character just to make a couple of cheap soap-opera drama comics? Oh, we guess that is the point. As we all know, if there's one thing fangirls love, it's trite, generic, cliché melodrama.

Branca also hates slash pairings because they nullify her fake marriage as seen here in a conversation over a user posting that Murdoc and 2D was the OTP:

Hypocrite much?

The Fanbase

BETTER ARTISTS H8 BRANCA.
14 year old militant Branca fans mean SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Branca tries her hardest to convince people that she's not at DevianTART because she wants to be famous and loved and ass-patted. She's a serious arteest, and she proves this by drawing her ugly Sue in the nude or in tiny lingerie, preferably in the bedroom together with her "husband". But Branca definitely isn't just a face in the crowd of conceited attention whores, all she humbly requests is that you tell her she is kind, sweet, sexy and wonderful in every single communication. This is the part where the fans enter the picture. After all, what would Branca be without a fuckton of mindless followers who praise and huggle her like she does her own stupid self?

Fanine. The word is a mixture of "fanbase" and "asinine".

Let it be known that if you actually try to criticize Branca, her legions of rabid fucktard fans, who are apparently at her every beck and call, will pounce on you like Auschwitz guard dogs on a Jew. Whenever a person gives Branca a "bad comment" (Suethor-speak for "critique"), or asks her WHY ON EARTH she hates gays enough to constantly make rude remarks about them, this person will immediately be classified as an 'immoral and stupid 16-year-old bitch', who is obviously VERY jealous of Branca's great artistic talent. Why else would anyone be so mean to their favorite artist? It's obviously jealousy!

We should have known: her fanclub is made of pure love. Little floating hearts? That's friendship!

Her fanbase consists mostly of other fangirls (and occasionally a pathetic sexually repressed fanboy or two) and horrifically enough these cattle-like masses had created a club, Fanines of Branca, where other fantards could post comics and drawings about Branca and 2D's "romantical romance" and support the pairing even though most of them would prefer to be in her place.

She's trying to get the fantards together again.

The artwork was either worse or better than her own work (occasionally they make self-insertions too), but still falling below the bar of utter shit as with most of the art on DeviantART.

The fanclub page, which was made because of the remarks from a brilliant troll named Fernet, is abandoned nowadays. Thank you, Fernet.

Quotes from the Fanbase

   
“ 		 
The most friendliest person in the group and THE WORLD, very clever and thinks before acts, would do everything for her friend (only not killing!)
  		„
  		 

—Numberofthebeatz - camouflaging the truth with some gentle asslicking.

   
“ 		 
YAY! The goddess of Gorillaz returns ;D
  		„
  		 

—Diamon-moon - licking her ass clean.

   
“ 		 
Hello branca. Please dont listen to the anti pairing people. although i am not a huge fan of 2dxyou, your artwork is still awesome, you are really good at drawing! better than me i think The people who are against you are mean. I tried to stick up for slash pairings, but all i got was "your thick" im like uh..ok, so you have a different opinion than branca, so you now hate her? that doesnt make sense. As long as it isnt pushed in my face all the time, i like it. It seems like lots of fangirls pair themselves with various gorillaz members. it doesnt make sense to me. Keep in mind, the pairing with u and 2d is not my favorite, but im generally a nice person. I have no clue waht i was on about...
  		„
  		 

—n00dlesbff314 - after Branca coming to her page to thank her for the watch.

   
“ 		 
Hi branca!! i think you are cool. Dont listen to those other people. They are just jealous. Here is my new view on the topic. I'm pretty sure other fangirls have paired themselves with various members of the gorillaz. I do not have an issue with that. Its quite unfortunate that you happen to be the target of all this shit. People need to get over themselves.
  		„
  		 

—n00dlesbff314 - lulzy cliché asslicking message on Branca's YouTube account.

   
“ 		 
OH MY GOSH!! i love your drawings sooo much they re amazing i love the way you draw 2d he is sooo sexy![link] please add me as a freind i dont know how i am new but i really really love your comics drwing and all of that i officially almost read every one of your comics and looked at your drwings!! sorry if you think im a freak im not but if im acting like one sorry! please add me as a friend -gorillaz2d21!
  		„
  		 

—gorillaz2d21 - a typical Branca's asslicker, recognizable by the great spelling.

   
“ 		 
Are you too hypocrite to talk on her directly on your original account? Or maybe you don't dare to?
  		„
  		 

—VooDooPoo, trolling and trying to annoy Fernet, while defending Branca.

   
“ 		 
Let's troll her page!
  		„
  		 

—VooDooPoo again, at Dramachan Anonib, suggesting a troll at Branca's DA page.

Note: VooDooPoo is a Branca supporter that attacks trolls while supporting them. She has contributed to Branca's article on ED. Nowadays she keeps oscillating between licking and mocking Branca, among other people, as seen here and here. Why doesn't she make up her mind? OMG she should keep mocking Branca!!!!oneone

VooDooPoo also ocasionally tries to erase this part of the article, but, just like Branca, she never heard about "revert".

Fanbase-related Gallery

Asslickers' thoughts About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Acts of Asshattery

Search for a Star

Branca's truly awful contest entry and the future source of endless whining. Whatever the fuck the black bloke says makes no sense.
Might be another contest entry or just her usual shit, but it is full of AIDS either way.

Branca also entered the Gorillaz's "Search for a Star" contest, where thousands of artists (some exceptionally talented, some...not so much) contributed their artwork in hopes of receiving prizes and perhaps even a job as the new official Gorillaz artist. Branca submitted a masterpiece and yet, strangely enough, the powers that be were not as impressed by her talent as she herself was and deeply offended Branca by ignoring it along with thousands of other equally shitty entries.

Devastated and brokenhearted, Branca aimlessly wandered the red-light districts of London (where she thinks Essex is located), looking for something to brighten up her mood. When first discovering she had encountered a problem sex could not solve, she panicked. After a few days of screaming and whining and rubbing her honkers on innocents for some quick ego-boosting, she let the malicious part of her brain take over. The result was an insulting parody of a piece of artwork by the winner of the contest (a professional artist named Irina Bolshakova.) Mental masturbation aside, this was a great opportunity to have her poor, mangled ego pumped up once again by her admirers who would tell her the judges were blind and that Branca should have won. Bolshakova may have seamlessly adapted Jamie Hewlett's style, but BRANCA IS 2D'S FUCKING MISTRESS AND DESERVES SPECIAL FUCKING TREATMENT. DON'T THE ACTUAL CREATORS OF THE GORILLAZ CHARACTERS REALIZE THIS!?

The true reason behind the making of the Art of Butthurt, claims Branca, is that people should have 'their own style' of drawing (like she does, but apparently Bolshakova doesn't). But, in the grand scheme of things, Branca's artwork is pretty much a shitty, crude version of the same Gorillaz style which seems to be drawn by every talentless fangirl. Not that Branca is a fangirl — 2D is Branca's man bitch, which, strictly speaking, makes him the fangirl and only goes further to show that Branca is really batshit insane.

Gallery of Butthurt

Vandalism

Where is your god now?

Branca and her minions tried to erase this article from ED. As a result, it caused much lulz and chuckles o'plenty as they had obviously never heard of reverts. Then a bunch of Branca haters showed up and had some edit wars with her and her fantards, resulting in the whole article collapsing in on itself in a long horrible mess overladen with images and full of pointless warning templates. It took months for trained Dramaticians to repair the damage. And it's constantly checked because even trained Dramaticians can spell poorly or make typos sometimes.

Stolen Artwork on Brazilian TV

Last Thursday, Branca found a shit excuse to submit more garbage to DevianTART because of a lame TV show from Brazil. Her childish self began to stalk the guys from CQC and kept asking them to show her artwork. Probably in a mentally impaired fog after her shitstorm, the guys at CQC actually agreed to show her art. With an ego larger than Texas, Branca kept bragging about how they were going to show her work on TV for nearly two weeks; this included writing a journal in Portuguese (because no English folk give a shit) in ALL CAPS. When CQC flashed her abomination to the people of Brazil, they gave credit not to Branca but to another person, a girl nicknamed Bruh Morini, which was probably a mere mix-up since it was Branca who actually sent it to the studio. Branca kept depicting Bruh as "that bitch" and calling her a "thief of credit", which is a "very serious sin", even though she should consider herself lucky that they've actually shown her art on TV. In a journal sporting the emoticon of OUTRAGE, Branca tried convincing her fans that she was innocent, and acted as if Bruh Morini killed her parents. Branca also made a gif sequence of CQC showing her work, expecting that her fans would comfort her. This event raises the puzzling question: Why would someone EVER want to steal Branca's art and claim it as their own? Really, come on now. Since the whole case was ridiculous and Branca didn't want to look like the crazy evil bitch she really is, she baleeted all the journals showing the stupid screaming message she sent to Bruh Morini. Talk about netiquette. Now she's sending crappy animations to the CQC guys and hoping they can send her some praising emails. She also sent them a new drawing. Let's face it, when it comes to stalking CQC, Branca can be worse than Bruh Morini.

Info that we couldn't risk putting here.

LOL:

Apparently, she's considering acting, now (Moonspeak alert). God save us...

And, of course, she inserted the CQC guys in the animu world:

Branca and CQC About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Galleries

Branca Says...

Although Branca would have her fans believe that she is a very sweet, humble, fair and wholesome person, she can be unreasonably whiny, bitchy and vulgar. She could learn some class from Fernet, but that's a thing for intelligent and mostly broadminded people.

Lulzy comments About missing Pics
  • Maybe it's Branca, trying to troll Fernet's blog. FAIL.
    Maybe it's Branca, trying to troll Fernet's blog. FAIL.
  • Branca is possessive, sweet and wholesome. *^_^*
    Branca is possessive, sweet and wholesome. *^_^*
  • These are the kind of comments artists get from Branca when they draw Paula Cracker.
    These are the kind of comments artists get from Branca when they draw Paula Cracker.
  • Branca's quote of the year.
    Branca's quote of the year.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Gallery of Lulz

A picture tells a thousand words... In Branca's case, most of them being *giggle*.

Branca's "jobs" About missing Pics
  • A copy of her own art, which in its turn was a copy of Noodle.
    A copy of her own art, which in its turn was a copy of Noodle.
  • She "forgot the shirt" and didn't notice until they reached their destination...
    She "forgot the shirt" and didn't notice until they reached their destination...
  • Branca really thinks Noodle will turn into another Branca.
    Branca really thinks Noodle will turn into another Branca.
  • Russel and Noodle, voicing Branca's opinions about Murdoc's style in a Flash animation.
    Russel and Noodle, voicing Branca's opinions about Murdoc's style in a Flash animation.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

"Fan" Arts

Some generous people have decided to express their undying love for Yours Truly through arts.

Humble offerings for the queen About missing Pics
  • Genuine anti-Branca art.
    Genuine anti-Branca art.
  • What insulted Branca the most is that her legs are shapeless.
    What insulted Branca the most is that her legs are shapeless.
  • Did you know, bitch?
    Did you know, bitch?
  • Renoir's rendition to Branca. Notice the shopping mall in the background.
    Renoir's rendition to Branca. Notice the shopping mall in the background.
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


The Brancaverse

This interactive piece of "fan art" shows a brief introduction to the concept of a perfect world for Branca. After all, it's all about her pathetic self, and not about Gorillaz. Click here.

Tutorial

Branca's way of drawing is fucking deep, because, unlike you, she has speshul animu talents. Despite this being a complete waste of time, we will try to teach you, the artistically inferior readers, how to make a picture properly. Because Branca's way of doing things is the proper way.
WARNING: This tutorial is infected with homosexuality. Upon reading it, the disease might be transmitted to your sorry rectum.

Tutorial for dummies, featuring Branca's hairdresser Kevin.

Of course, it would be impossible to compare this shitty tutorial to the flawless pictures made by Branca... Oh, one can only wish to reach her level sometime in the far future.

Fucktard of all trades

Branca is known among ex-fans as a fucktard. Probably because she cares too much about herself and doesn't give a crap at all to people who praise her like a bunch of zombies. She will always try to gather all the attention, deal with it.

Note: The contributions have been sent with the pixelated halves, in order to protect the "victims", apparently.

How do I get praised?

  1. Bonk a cartoon rockstar and castrate him;
  2. Upload some proof (including photos of your genetically defective spawn) on DeviantART;
  3. ????;
  4. Profit!

It is very important to add a generous portion of "giggles" during step 1 through step 3, or step 4 will be fail due to lack of cuteness and sweetness.

Quotes from Branca

   
“ 		 
Ah girls, look your bodies and look my body!!!
  		„
  		 

—Branca - asking you to look at her two inch nipples.

   
“ 		 
I ain't used to copy ideas from deviants, but this is cool, admit. I don't know if I did right, but I like it anyway. My grin is very cool, isn't it?
  		„
  		 

—Branca - expressing her modesty in a description of one of her works.

   
“ 		 
Why the people waste their time humiliating others? I wonder if they think are perfects. Adam also were, and look how is the humanity today.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - who believes the world was created last Thursday.

   
“ 		 
In the fanfictions Gorillaz can be anything.In my comics 2d is married with me. LOL.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - pointing out in bold that 2D belongs to her. LOL.

   
“ 		 
Hahahaha, this little doll reminds Alex, the baby I created as son of 2D and my char Branca. Cute.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - talking about that son of a... Branca.

   
“ 		 
Please, send me some tutorial teaching to make clocks like this???????? *u*
  		„
  		 

—Branca - who thinks Teruchan can give her attention and Flash tutorials.

   
“ 		 
2D's so gorgeous. Noodle is so cute, Russel'd fantastic. Now, Murdoc... oh God! How he's fat! Wahahaha!!! And his underpants is so... so... so... GAY!
  		„
  		 

—Branca - kindly commenting fanart, as always.

   
“ 		 
Wow D*****! I didn't know that you liked so much of my drawings! I-I'm surprised! Thank you very much!!! Really, thank you!!! ^^
  		„
  		 

—Branca - commenting not the fanart per se, but the description in which her name was mentioned.

   
“ 		 
My God D*****!!! Thank you again! I was watching your Noodle and I was surprised with your commentary about me :D
  		„
  		 

—Branca - saying the same thing again to the very same artist who mentioned her in the description again.

   
“ 		 
Woooow!!! Jamie and you together!!! Awesome! Congrats! I'd like one like that, but with Damon. And then? The Jamie from here is Jamie really?
  		„
  		 

—Branca - harassing a poor DA artist with a very stupid question.

   
“ 		 
wow! Now you offended me. Jamie is a normal human... I don't think this my question is stupid.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - feeling offended just because the deviant found the question stupid (and it was).

   
“ 		 
Don't worry. ^^ I see I ain't the only one that makes confusion with you say. :giggle: ^^; Then I guess I'll comment something more clever at next time.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - playing the innocent and admitting she exaggerated, after seeing she was making stupid and useless drama.

   
“ 		 
Depending of the satires Fernet drew, even I liked it, to be honest.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - either bullshitting or suddenly changing her mind about the mean, horrible and cruel Fernet's parodies.

   
“ 		 
I wanted fix before these chars become popular.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - thinking her new characters in her new DevianTART page will be popular.

   
“ 		 
This guy draw funny.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - probably mocking at an artist not as talented as her.

   
“ 		 
But I don't mean is ugly. This is a great work.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - trying to correct it. Too late!

   
“ 		 
^^; Wow! I like your version. But I don't allow the people draw an older version of Alex cause neither me draw him teen or adult yet. I don't draw just I don't want really. Perhaps any day.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - who supposedly supports freedom of imagination in fanart.

   
“ 		 
Kimono is not difficult to draw. Next turn you try to draw.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - giving an encouraging comment to a drawing of a girl in a kimono.

   
“ 		 
I love me. If I don't love myself, who would love? We have to have love to weselves.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - expressing her true essence, along with her language skills.

   
“ 		 
I understand you cause Branca and me aren't alike about personality, courage, husband and kids. :giggle: I find me so frightened, tearfull, but sometimes I do useful things. XD
  		„
  		 

—Branca - trying to explain the differences between herself and her original character.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Drops of sweetness (DeviantART online)

Good for her.

BRANCA AND 2D GET A DIVORCE

As it turns out, Branca married another man IRL and divorced 2D. The fact that she got laid IRL made her realize the advantages it had to have a real dick over mental masturbation. Branca has finally grown up. D'AWW. However, this means no more lulz. But that doesn't mean this article won't grow. Keep sending contributions!

There was an all-new remake of Branca's existence in Gorillaz's lives, excluding the nipples, the depiction of Paula as a raging bitch, Murdoc and Russel fapping at her thrombosis-affected legs and also the days she almost killed 2D. But like many lolcows, she ended up removing the vid. Maybe because she thought a real "Branca and 2D story" should indeed have all the juicy items above.

   
“ 		 
A video I made based on my fanarts of Gorillaz. I created a char called Branca and I wanted she lived with them.
  		„
  		 

—Branca - describing her "love story" on Youtube.


Her last video was getting quite a feedback on Youtube:



So, she changed the description:

   
“ 		 
Only a fanart...
  		„
  		 

—Branca - trying to pose as humble after disabling comments to that masterpiece.


See Also

Links

Only a fucking total genius like her could use another account to talk about her Gorillaz fanart account. Now she wants to forget the page and possibly make people forget she's a bigot.
File:Brancabeth.jpg
The resemblance is uncanny, but Beth the Wannabe is actually nice, unlike Branca.

Branca is part of a series on

DeviantART

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Featured article February 25, 2010
Preceded by
Doll Bases 		Branca Succeeded by
Trinity Bates
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