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Duke Nukem Forever
Duke Nukem Forever (aka DNF aka vaporware) is a bait and switch scheme perpetrated by 3D Realms on the fans of 1996 fragfest Duke Nukem 3D. The game itself, which does not exist, is about an adult baby whose job it is to "kick ass and chew bubblegum." Unfortunately, in DN3 he was perpetually out of gum, thus necessitating a sequel. The fucktards at 3D Realms announced this scam in 1997, and they still insist to this day that they are working on it. In fact, they named it "Duke Nukem Forever" because IT TAKES FUCKING FOREVER TO MAKE IT!! Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact these asshats have released several other games including Max Payne, the sequel to Max Payne, an expansion pack for Duke Nukem 3D, a racism-perpetrating crapfest, and a clone-mod called Shadow Warrior. They are currently known to spend all day getting paid to make Photoshop images of their imaginary fucking game with investors' money.
—Official DNF Press Release, 6 Feb 2008. | ||
"When it's done"
DNF's Creative Director George Broussard is famous for having mercilessly abused the phrase "when it's done". Doing so was a smart move on his part since he never actually intended to release anything other than screenshots of the game. Saying you won't release a game until its "done" implies, in the video game industry, that you won't release it until you are totally happy with the quality of your product and will therefore be a good game. This stance has earned them a permanent seat in interweb history as a completely unintentional meme.
Duke Nukem Forever's infinitely long development has spawned a completely unintentional Googlebomb. When searching The Google for the phrase "when it's done", Google returns almost entirely Duke Nukem Forever related results.
How to Fake a Game: A History of DNF
The real genius behind DNF is that it doesn't really exist at all. It's all been an elaborate hoax from day one. Luckily, 3D Realms was clever enough to realize that the promise of another orgy of boobies and violence is all that it that it takes to stir internets fanbois into a masturbatory frenzy. Thus, the fairy tale of Duke Nukem Forever begins...
Step 0: Make up some fake in game footage
At least 10 years ago, while PC Gaymer's own Coconut Monkey was laboriously working on his magnum opus, Gravy Trader, the fags at 3D Realms tossed them some 'screenshots' of what DNF was looking like...which were, of course, completely fake - composed entirely of modded Quake levels.
—George Broussard on the early DNF screenshots, May 2003. | ||
Step 1: Announce it
The first step in this grand scheme was to make up some way for the game to exist in the first place. The idiots at PC Gaymer were more than ready to take on this task by making this elaborate forgery their cover story.
That's what they get for trusting an inanimate paperweight with a conflict of interest.
—George Broussard, the original DNF 3D Realms Press Release, April 28, 1997. | ||
Of course, Duke Nukem Forever's announcement came as no surprise even to the ancient interwebs. A sequel was eagerly anticipated and Duke Nukem 3D was one of the hawtest Doom rip-offs that nobody actually paid for.
Evar.
However, the fact that the game was not going to contain buttsecks with either alien mutated pigs or pixelated wimmenz enraged the furfags and 13-year-old boys. Everything was going perfectly according to plan.
Step 1.5: 'Tard around.
The next stage of the hoax was to bullshit the public into believing the game was in development hell. 3D Realms decided to do this under the pretense of constant engine switches.
—George Broussard on the switch to the Unreal engine, 3D Realms Press Release, June 15, 1998. | ||
Thus, after making up screenshots styled after Quake, they switched to making screenshots for Quake II. Afterward, they decided they were bored making screenshots with Quake II and decided to make them with Unreal instead. After a short "adjustment period" they released their next batch of bogus screens to a starved public. Fans were dismayed to find that there were no polygonal boobies featured in this latest round of fakes. The charade would continue for three years:
—3D Realms 1999 Christmas card. | ||
—3D Realms 2000 Christmas Card. | ||
Step 2: Goatse your publisher
Meanwhile, when Infogamers acquired GT Interactive in 2000, they were actually smart enough to see DNF as the nefarious bait-and-switch scheme that it was. Thus they shoveled the rights for the game onto the poor and naive Gathering of Developers (aka G.O.D.) for good ol' cash/money. GOD promptly folded after releasing, like, 2 shit games and managed to pass the buck to Take Two Interactive.
Being the fun loving criminals they were, Take Two didn't put up with Broussard's bullshit. In their yearly earnings statements from 2002 to 2005 they repeatedly questioned 3D Realms publicly about the status of the next batch of screenshots. In a fit of prepubescent rage, Broussard responded by trolling 3D Realms' own forums:
—George Broussard on Take Two Interactive in an actual forum post, May 2003. | ||
Step 3: ????
No one really knows what happened over at 3D Realms from 2004 to 2007. Some argue that 3D Realms had actually closed up shop entirely. Then they came out with Prey, a crap FPS about some prairie nigger who gets kidnapped by Xenu. However, it turns out that they were, in between alternate bouts of buttsecks and trolling, in fact working on their most convincing fake yet.
Step 4: PROFIT!
Note how that meme is also used in the demo
—George Broussard's T-shirt, December 19, 2007. | ||
Whether any of this footage is actually taken from actual gameplay remains to be seen. However, if DNF's history is any indication, this is just another in a lucrative series of bogus videos thrust into the limelight over the years. At this point, if the game ever actually does come out, it will most likely be a tremendous pile of dog shit like its brother in hell, Daikatana.
Step 5: Or maybe not
After 12 years of hard work, and money spent on development and artwork, 3D Realms has finally announced they are shutting down for good. Duke Nukem Forever will go down as the biggest failure in video game history. Chances that the game will be released now are pretty much zero, not like anyone ever thought any differently. George Broussard is likely in the process of deleting all evidence that the game ever existed giving Concept Art, Screenshots, and the entire plot to every major video game website and magazine in existence. The End.
Step 6: Take 2 suing Microsoft
Following the closure, and leaks, Take 2 quickly pulled $30 Million Dollars out of their asses in order to bribe George Broussard for the rights to Duke Nukem, whilst there has been rumors Microsoft has bought out 3D Realms after quietly selling off $4 Billion dollars worth of bonds out of the blue, while Take 2 still holds the publishing rights.
Take 2 has decided to sue 3D Realms for utterly failing to deliver DNF, which was vaporware from the start.
Step 7: The Truth Comes Out
Now that the Duke Nukem Forever team have been laid off, the truth about some of the "in game footage" came to light on the 3D Realms forums from pissed off ex-employees, although unsuprisingly it was deleted:
—Anonymous 3D Realms Ex-staff Member. Referenced trailer below. | ||
Previous Video | Next Video |
Duke Nukem Forever gameplay footage released following the closure of 3DRealms in May 2009. This leaked video was to serve as a demo reel for animator Byan Brewer.
Fun things to do while you wait Forever
For teh epic win:
- Head over to 3D Realms' forums.
- Create a multiple accounts.
- Completely disregard all stickies.
- Post the following using all your accounts under all forums:
- "Did you know that DNF has been in development for so long that..." insert amusing fact from this page here.
- Log onto your other accounts and respond with the following images, repeatedly:
- Email George Brussard and repeat above.
- Call your local GameStop and ask them when Duke Nukem Forever is coming out.
- For even more lulz, then ask them if it's going to come with Battletoads.
Shit that didn't take Forever
|
World War II, the entire Manhattan Project and going to the Moon took less time than DNF's development. |
Source: look here for more lulz
A metric shit-ton of stuff has happened ever since 3D Realms announced DNF.
IRL
- Enron went down in flames.
- The Euro has been introduced.
- 6 space tourists.
- The preparations for nine-fucking-eleven and the fucking aftermath and then some...
"Popular" Culture
- In 1997, the fastest consumer internets connection was a 33.6 kbps modem. On average, tubes are 300 times faster today and clogged with 99% more useful information.
- When Duke Nukem Forever was announced, the fastest processor available to consumers was a 233Mhz Pentium.
- In October of 2001, the elitist faggots at Apple announced the izzlePod and Slashdot in all their infinite fayel, dismissed it as an immediate failure. Not that anyone cares.
- Steve Jobs was still running NeXT when Duke Nukem Forever was announced.
- Geeks invented every single known method of stealing from the RIAA, including Napster.
- Some jackhole invented MySpace and gave b about a hundred billion new targets and inflicted uncounted pedos and furries on the internets.
- Valve releases Steam and pwns Vivendi.
- Britney Spears has starred in numerous scat films and some music videos, too.
- Theater box office totals since the announcement are over $2.62 billion.
- Colin Farrell's entire movie career has also taken place during development.
- The concept of Bullet Time has been developed, pioneered, and completely run in to the ground.
- Cell phones ownership has become commonplace, whereas in 1997 they were viewed as luxurious expenditures and drug dealing tools.
- The entire cult following of Family Guy! It has debuted on FOX, been canceled, entered syndication, been released on DVD, redebuted on FOX, and seen the release of a feature film.
- The entire Harry Potter series as well as six movies.
- Stephen King has written 16 novels.
- After over 200 episodes, The Simpsons have not gotten any funnier.
- The birth, death, and rebirth (via feature film, direct to DVD) of Futurama, a show more worthy of lulz than The Simpsons.
- Fourteen seasons of Survivor.
- The ending of Star Trek shows Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and the beginning and ending of Enterprise, plus the films First Contact, Insurrection and Nemesis and the reboot of the show with Star Trek the movie.
- Joss Whedon showed us that he truly is our master with every Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Firefly episode. (Oh, and the movie Serenity.)
- Lost dragged on for six preposterous seasons before pathetically expiring.
- South Park has had 12 seasons.
- Guns and Roses' album, Chinese Democracy, which was started in 1993, before DNF was even started, was released in 2008.
- Stanley Kubrick made one final movie before he passed away (for the last 30 years of his life he made, on average, one movie every five years).
- Richard D. James has under various aliases released 21 records (or maybe "only" 20), from studio albums to compilations.
- Warhammer had 2 more editions and Warhammer 40,000 had 3 more editions. The franchises has as of 2009, on average, released a new edition every 7.7, respectively 4.4 years.
- Takashi Miike is as productive as ever.
- SG-1 had 10 seasons and 2 films; Stargate Atlantis had 5 seasons and at least 1 film is in production;
Stargate Universe is in production.-Nope, Ended. Also: Books and other merchandise.
Games
- Over 75 games based in the Megaman universe, and 12 games featuring Megaman universe character cameos.
- Over 50 games based in the Star Wars universe.
- Mario has appeared in 58 different video games.
- Every Massive Multiplayer Online game and expansion with the exception of Meridian 59.
- Every Dance Dance Revolution and Bemani rhythm game
- Every Pokémon game released outside of Japan.
- Every Unreal, every Unreal Tournament, and every game that has used any of the Unreal engines.
- Quake 2, 3, 4, and countless games that have used their engines.
- Every Tony Hawk and extreme sport spin-off game.
- Daikatana began development 10 days before Duke Nukem Forever - Unfortunately no one was made John Romero's bitch when it hit retail shelves on May 23rd, 2000.
- 3DRealms and Remedy bring Max Payne and its sequel from concepts to finished games, porting both to Xbox and PS2.
- Cendant Publishing buy Sierra On-Line, sell it to Vivendi Universal and then disband.
- Valve released both Half Life 1 and 2, with several expansion packs and countless mods for each. Later they released The Orange Box, which included HL2: Episode 2, Portal and Team Fortress 2 (which was actually considered vaporware itself).
- Every version of Counter-Strike and Counter-Strike: Source were developed.
- Every Thief game and System Shock 2. Also: Fan-remakes of the System Shock-games.
- Grand Theft Auto I, II, III, Vice City, San Andreas, Liberty City Stories, Vice City Stories, IV , and innumerable shitty spin-offs.
- Black Isle was formed, released seven titles and was shut down.
- The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and IV: Oblivion, and the entire Baldur's Gate series.
- Wizards of the Coast has printed six Core Sets, 30 Expansion Sets of Magic: The Gathering. If someone bought one of every single card printed since DNF was announced, they would have a collection of approximately 10,742 cards.
- Every installment of Metal Gear Solid released to date, as well as Ghost Babel (MGS for the Game Boy), the Metal Gear Acid series and Peace Walker for PSP. Even Guns of the Patriots was released before DNF.
- A garage full of programmers in Croatia (Croteam) developed the engine and created the game Serious Sam. Since then, there have been multiple sequels and console ports- all off a fraction of the money 3D Realms has blown on DNF's development.
- Every 3D Prince of Persia game.
- Aside from Wolfenstein 3D, every single First Person Shooter based during World War II, including the entire Medal of Honor series.
- While DNF has been in production, Blizzard Entertainment, another studio famous for delays, has released five full games (Starcraft, Diablo 2, Warcraft 3, World of Warcraft and Starcraft II), with expansions for all of them.
- The EverQuest series, and about 300 different expansions for each game.
- Every game but one from BioWare, where among the most known are Baldur's Gate 1 & 2 with two expansions; Neverwinter Nights with two expansions; Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic; and Jade Empire. All games are deep, lengthy RPGs that demand multiple playthroughs. Also every game that used engines from BioWare.
- The entire Halo trilogy was inflicted on an unsuspecting public.
- Every Gran Turismo game.
- The Ultima-series came to a conclusion, Origin was emasculated beyond recognition and Richard Garriot has been involved in a few games. Among these, the most well-known are City of Heroes and the MMORPG Tabula Rasa, which was closed on February 28, 2009. Rest in peace, sweet prince.
- PSP and Nintendo DS in all their various incarnations...
- Gamecube and Xbox has been released and discontinued.
- Various retrogames made encores for the umpteenth time with the joysticks you just plug in to your tv. (Bye-bye buggy emulators!)
- Every Resident Evil game but one and various spin-offs.
- Every Silent Hill game and various spin-offs.
- The Metroid Prime trilogy, 4 original releases and 5 re-releases. (It should also be noted that the music of Kenji Yamamoto is far better than the butt-smelling cock-rock of DN3D.)
- Every Fallout game and the spawning of the most inbred and venomous fan-forums known to man.
- Every Guitar Hero game and various clones.
- The Wing Commander-series came to an conclusion crowned with the beautiful failure of the Chris Roberts film. It makes some sort of encore in Freelancer and definitely in Wing Commander Arena on Xbox Live Arcade. Also: Fan-remakes of Wing Commander: Privateer.
- The releases of Playstation 3, Wii and Xbox 360.
- Final Fantasy had 5 more games, spinoffs uncounted.
- Even friggen' Darkfall. Yes, we shit you not.
- Two Leisure Suit Larry sequels are released after its original designer, Al Lowe, retired.
- Street Fighter 4 waited ten years to be released, and it came out before Duke Nukem Forever.
- Game Boy Color, Game Boy Advance, Game Boy Advance SP and Game Boy Micro has been released and discontinued.
- Gizmondo has been released and discontinued. (And they tried to release Gizmondo 2, but that was a stillborn fail.)
- The Might and Magic-franchise had 31 more games, add-ons and spin-offs. (Also, some collectible card-games and novels.)
- Doom 3 and its expansions.
- Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War + three expansion packs and the sequel with, as of now, two expansion packs.
- Kinect, it doesn't like niggers.
- Nintendo 3DS
Holy Fucking Shit, it's almost done?
Apparently, DNF is being developed by Gearbox Studios, of Borderlands and Brothers in Arms fame. Restock your bubblegum, motherfuckers.
Release Date
According to Amazon and Gamestop, the release date has been set for February 1st May 3rd, 2011 June 14, 2011. Gearbox has stated that this date is a place holder for now. Only time will tell whether another twelve years will be needed to complete this game.
IT LIVES!
On September 3, 2010, Take Two allowed 150,000 people to play a copy of the game as one of the greatest acts of trolling in history. Consequently, 150,000 people subsequently vanished from the face of the earth, never to be heard from again. Initial reports from the PAX floor is that the game isn't anything special and is your bogstandard FPS with the best bit being Duke's one liners with no strippers. Whether the game will be released in 2011 as said by 2K and Gearbox is yet to be seen. It is more likely the game will be released on December 21st, 2012.
Boxart (a.k.a. Douche Nukem Forever)
—2K Elizabeth | ||
With the unveiling of a release date for Duke Nukem Forever, the final boxart was also unveiled. This new boxart immediately enraged Duke Nukem oldfags, who proceeded to broadcast their butthurt about Duke Nukem looking like a douche on Gearbox's offical Duke Nukem forums with two threads. Despite being assured they are being listened to, they were actually told to STFU by 2K Games Representative Elizabeth. This only resulted in more massive butthurt, which then incited the oldfags to begin shooping vastly superior boxarts.
-
The original boxart.
-
It's Jesus, lol
IT'S OUT!
Duke Nukem Forever came out June 10th internationally, and June 14th in North America, because can. Seriously, you can go out and buy it. Some think it's a piece of shit, some think it's a piece of crap, but both are wrong, it's really a piece of horse cock. The release of Duke Nukem Forever exposed the seemingly inability for any "real" gaymers to be happy with anything. Duke Nukem was virtually the same exact game re-released with better graphics and still they were unhappy.
See also
- Daikatana
- Duke Nukem 3D
- Darkfall, once the MMORPG counterpart of DNF, except it was released. Kind of.
External Links
- 3D Realms Site
- Duke Nukem Official Site
- Gearbox Software Forums
- [1] 2k Games Forums
- TOW Page
- The Duke Nukem Forever List
- Playable at PAX, for those few dozen remaining fans
- A similar project that bears the "when it's done" due date. Expect more of the same.
- A Baldur's Gate clone that is going down the same path.
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Duke Nukem Forever is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article September 4, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by Jersey Shore |
Duke Nukem Forever | Succeeded by William J. Lashua |