Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy✡ the Vampire Slayer was a mid-season replacement on the WB network, based on a movie that was a box-office flop. From this, one would deduce a recipe for a shitty television show that would trot out thirteen episodes, but only get to air ten. Instead, the show ran up until recently, spawned a five-season spin-off, and has a massive internets fandom as well as the attention of otherwise serious media critics.
History
The series followed the exploits of a sexy vampire hunter /Jewbroad who jewily refused to provide any boob shots to her adoring fans. SMG will always be known to the world as Buffy, whether she likes it or not. Because of excellent casting of all the people who had to deal with her obnoxious personality (a ginger nerdslut, a dorky guy, a British librarian, a good-guy vampire, and gingerfag Seth Green), the series spawned lots of slash fanfiction, as well as a guild of LiveJournal users who wrote non-slash diaries in the voices of the characters. It has also been known to be a pain in the ass to any Slayer fan, because every time they search for Slayer on the internets, they have to look at lesbo vampires instead.
Call Of Duty
Quite recently enough the good fellows over at treyarch decided to add Sarah Michelle Gellar to the Nazi Zombies cast of characters. JD_2020 eventually got bored of his fantasies of seeing Takeo naked so he decided to add a female character to the fun. Suprisingly though during the filming of call of the dead George A. Romero felt a compulsing need to rape Sarah Michelle Gellar so he grabbed his projector and killed the other three actors. Seeing this JD_2020 got pissed because he wanted to fuck Sarah Michelle Gellar first so he got his ak74u and headed off to kill Romero. Romero though turned around with his epic 360 720 quickscope noscope wesker-would-fap-to-this reflexes and grabbed JD_2020. JD_2020 then felt the pain of goatse and he shoved the ak74u up his sorry ass. All the no lifer cod fanboys got turned on by this story so they wasted money to buy the map pack and picture themselves fucking her. True thing is, the person who got to enjoy Sarah Michelle Gellar in the end, was none but Carl, the black cop on duty.
Lesbianicity
Much like fans of Smallville, Buffy fans should be approached with caution. This is especially true of BTVS's lesbian fans, who -- when the aforementioned nerdslut turned out to be a Really, For Real, No SRSLY GUYS Lesbian, who was not ugly or fat, and had a very quality-portrayed relationship with another girl who also was not ugly, lost aforementioned second not-ugly Real Live Lesbian to a death that made complete sense to the story and was preceded within the same episode by the first Actual, No I'm Serious, Lesbian Sex ever shown on syndicated network TV -- could only focus on the fact that "yet another" lesbian character had been "killed off".
There is a postscript to all this that is actually interesting to people other than the fucking dykes on this site who won't shut the fuck up. Joss Whedon, no doubt responding to his own liberal guilt, heeded their plaintive OL wailing: He gave the nerdslut a new, very stupid but much hotter girlfriend, with whom she had still more Real For-Sure I-Mean-It lesbian sex -- this time instructing watchers on the correct use of tongue barbells, no less. So you see, the internets really do give power to the people and shit, man.
Joss Whedon
Joss Whedon, the show's author and resident deity, is responsible for rhetorical masturbation all over the internets. He wrote the movie "Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyres" that the television show was based off of, as well as the spinoff series, Angel, the National Geographic special "Firefly", and was George Lucas's ghostwriter for the newest Star Wars. His latest film, a philosophical Western with absolutely no vampires called "Serenity", sucked. People remain obsessed with this shitty show, especially virgins who frequent the message board Television Without Pity. It barely matters what you're trying to discuss, either Buffy will inevitably come into the conversation or the Lord God and Master of all things Great and Good in TV, evar, Joss Whedon will.
Cloned
Since all Hollywood producers are Jew, BTVS was ripped off by Jew Spelling who stole Buffy's premise and plots to make the series Charmed. He claimed he actually stole the idea from a movie by the same title, but no one buys that bullshit. Spelling put his creative signature on the show by costuming the lead characters as trailer trash whores and, to ensure verisimilitude, by casting actual trailer trash whores in the roles.
The clone has particular appeal for young women who wish to fight the forces of evil with their wimminist supernatural powers while wearing halter tops, stiletto heels, and glitter eyeshadow. The Charmed Ones official web site has announced their budget has been cut for the next season, meaning the stars will wear no clothing at all and will substitute old copies of "Bewitched" episodes for new scripts. This is projected to increase entertainment quality and ratings enormously.
Recently, experts at Hollywood studios have pooled their cash to write and release a new film about Buffy that has had absolutely no input from Joss Whedon. They probably don't know what BtVS is about besides vampires whoring themselves to human girls who like to nail sexy dead people. This has absolutely everything to do with the success of Twatlight, which also has a "vampire" who falls in "love" with a "sensitive and unique" main character. The plan may backfire, as any Twitard will freeze up and turn tail when she realizes Buffy actually stakes her precious, cuddly, sparkly pedobear vampires. Everyone else will decide to go buy the actual show on DVD.
STOP PRESS! SMG POSES NAKED!
Or did she? As Sellout Michelle Gellar has a no-nudity clause in her contract, her agent claims that she posed in a dress, and the skin colors were shooped over it.
Hmm. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
The punchline? The advert she posed for is Vaseline hand lotion.
See Also
- The Bloody Board The strangest forum on the web.
- Joss Whedon
- Firefly
- Vampire
- The Highgate Vampire - totally ZOmGZ0R real vampire that nearly killed Rupert Giles in 1972
External Links
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| Featured article October 29, 2005 | ||
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