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Borderlands

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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT T.K. DIES, the Vault doesn't have anything inside except the last boss, you never get to go inside it, and the "Guardian Angel" is a satellite! You wasted ten hours to get Vault-roll'd!!!!1
This whole game summed up in one picture.
...and the fanboys, dear baby Jesus.
Fallout vs. Borderlands, let the retardation begin.

Borderlands is a revolutionary video game concept: imagine Fallout 3, but crank up the combat to be more like Halo and World of Warcraft, throw in randomizing technology à la Rogue, use graphics that look like Team Fortress 2 had a baby with a PlayStation 2 game, swipe character ideas from Killzone, Gears of War, and 80s slasher flicks, and slap on a Mad Max theme. Picture a lawless planet brimming with generic, violent, deranged lunatics. Oh, and don't forget to drain out any semblance of innovation. Clearly, a masterpiece was born.

The only reason anyone bought this game was probably because they thought it was an expansion for the original Fallout 3. Instead, they got "LOTS OF FREAKIN' PURDY GUNZ!!!"

Since its release, Borderlands has sold 4.5 million units worldwide, proving once and for all that running around with a machine gun shooting random pedestrians is apparently great for the environment.

Oblivion with Guns (A.K.A. Borderlands)



   
“ 		 
On the delightful deathtrap known as Pandora, a paradise teeming with charming bandits and delightful perils, there's a singular, irresistible allure: The Vault. It's the galaxy's most obvious secret, beckoning every treasure hunter, adrenaline junkie, and hopelessly clueless buffoon from across the cosmos.
  		„
  		 

—Borderlands, don't forget your Pip-Boy.

Let's not kid ourselves. "Borderlands"? More like "Oblivion with Guns, Minus the Oblivion." This game throws you into the boots of a mercenary who you'll probably never care about, with a backstory so thin it might as well be nonexistent. Welcome to Pandora, a planet so anarchic and godforsaken, it's basically a desert devoid of any gigantic, blue, Native American-esque aliens.

Motivated by the purest form of altruism – the desire to get filthy rich – you embark on a quest to find a legendary stash of powerful alien technology hidden in a place charmingly referred to as "The Vault." As a "Vault Hunter," you're on a noble mission to uncover a mythical treasure trove.

Naturally, the entire game builds up to the momentous occasion of opening this vault. And what do you find inside? Riches? Weapons? Nah. Instead, you're greeted by a tentacle-blob-alien with the IQ of a houseplant, which apparently got itself stuck in the vault eons ago. The grand climax involves resisting the urge to scream as you unload three cargo ships worth of ammo into this oversized jello monster with limbs, all while wielding your array of so-called "innovative" guns.

Spoiler alert: There’s no treasure, no hidden stash of alien weaponry. Just a gigantic, jiggly alien to blast into oblivion. Revel in the thrilling anti-climax!

Gameplay

Typical gameplay.


The essence of this game can be boiled down to a single, mind-bogglingly complex formula:

Shoot > Kill > Find New Gun > Shoot > Kill > Find New Gun > Shoot > Kill > Find New Gun

Ready for the next grueling challenge? Fill in the blanks to prove your readiness:

Shoot > > Find New Gun > > Kill >

Congratulations if you succeeded! You are now officially as sharp as a Gibbon monkey.

Caution: Proceed with care, dimwits.

Playing this game is like enduring a ten-hour marathon on the toilet after a feast of nails and razorblades. The sole redeeming moment of this ordeal is when it mercifully concludes. For those with a penchant for sadomasochism, the challenge might be to see it through to the bitter end, akin to shoving a glass jar up your rear and patiently waiting for the inevitable shattering. The visuals? Imagine a bombed-out wasteland peppered with tent-cities. Every time you perish due to your shield's laughable durability, you get to respawn at a "New-U Station," which not only empties your pockets with each resurrection but leaves you bankrupt after four deaths, all while it mockingly bestows upon you a third nipple and a shriveled ego as a "bonus."

After pilfering everything from Fallout 3, you'd think Gearbox Software would at least nab the fast travel system. Think again. Instead, they opted for the genius move of installing random terminals you have to hike to and manually activate in places they deemed "useful." Predictably, these are situated in the most inconvenient, counterproductive spots imaginable, rather than, oh, I don't know, having it accessible at all times.

Missions

Imagine World of Warcraft but with a plot twist – there are only four people on the server. Yes, four. That’s the kind of thrilling social engagement you get. Every single mission feels like a twisted version of a kindergarten scavenger hunt:

  1. "I Want/Lost X" Quests: These are the missions where NPCs treat you like their personal errand boy. They lose random items, and somehow it’s your job to find them. Your reward? Some loot that makes you wonder why you bothered.
  3. "This Guy is a Faggot, Go Kill Him" Quests: These missions are as subtle as a sledgehammer. Someone doesn’t like someone else, and naturally, you have to play hitman. Your reward? Another shiny thing that barely justifies the effort.

In summary, you’re stuck doing the same mind-numbing tasks repeatedly. The real kicker? You actually paid for this endless loop of mediocrity. Enjoy the grind!

Weapons

ZOMG prudy guns!
Budd Dwyer approves Jakobs, because it really only requires one shot.

Welcome to the hilariously dysfunctional world of weapons, where logic takes a backseat and absurdity drives the car. Here are the nine types of weapons you'll find (ten if you count melee, and eleven if you consider Brick's fists). Each weapon comes with a brand offering different bonuses, and some even have elemental damage for that extra spice. Let’s dive in:

Pistols:

  • The balanced choice for total noobs. If you’re still using these, congratulations on your first day in the game!

Revolvers:

  • Think of the .357 Magnum from Half-Life 2 but now imbued with magical powers and a reload time that gives you enough coffee breaks to write a novel.

SMGs:

  • Hold down the trigger and watch it rain bullets like you’re trying to water your garden. Precision? Never heard of it.

Shotguns:

  • Designed exclusively for obliterating faces at point-blank range. Perfect for when subtlety is not in your vocabulary. IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!11!

Assault Rifles:

  • Basically SMGs on steroids with magazines that empty faster than your will to live during a family reunion. Ideal for those who think bigger is always better, even when it’s not.

Rocket Launchers:

  • Surprisingly, these are less effective than a water pistol at a BBQ. Only recommended for use when you feel like making a big, flashy mistake.

Sniper Rifles:

  • For the wannabe headshot maestro. Prepare for endless screams of “BOOM HEADSHOT!” while you miss half your shots. The epitome of overconfidence.

Alien Weapons:

  • Straight out of Xenu’s personal stash. Use these to steamroll through the game because balance is overrated.

Grenades:

  • Ideal for spamming and re-spawn trolling. Most are about as useful as a chocolate teapot, except the life-stealing ones, which are actually kind of cool.

Manufacturers

Just like in the real world, there's a massive monopoly on guns, and boy, do these companies suck. Let's take a tour through the crappiest gun manufacturers around:

  • Jakobs: "If it takes more than one shot, then you weren't using Jakobs." Yeah, because your first shot will probably misfire or explode in your hand.
  • Maliwan: Their guns shoot explosions, fire, electricity, or vomit. Perfect for when you want your enemies to die in a spectacular, yet utterly impractical, manner.
  • Tediore: Specializing in shitty repeaters, their guns suck so much ass that they're more effective when you throw them away in frustration than when you actually fire them.
  • Torgue: These shotguns have high damage but can't hit the broad side of a barn. Seriously, what the hell were you expecting from a company whose motto should be "Aim is optional"?
  • Vladof: Rifles that fire like AK-47s on speed. You won't know if you're hitting the target, but hey, at least you'll feel like you're in a 1980s action movie. Perfect for commies and spray-and-pray enthusiasts.
  • Atlas: They act like jerks to every other company because their guns are allegedly superior. Spoiler alert: They're not. It's like a hipster coffee shop bragging about their overpriced, burnt-tasting brews.
  • Hyperion: Selling super expensive garbage that no one in their right mind would buy. Unless you enjoy burning money, then go ahead.
  • Dahl: All their weapons come with high recoil, so you better have arms of steel. But who cares about hitting your target when you can get a good workout?
  • S&S Munitions: Just don’t even bother. They make Tediore look like weapons-grade genius.

Welcome to the wonderful world of subpar armaments, where every shot is a gamble and every brand has its own unique way of disappointing you!

Downloadable content

Gearbox
Gearbox

TL;DR - LOTSA NEW FUCKIN 'PURDY GUNZ!!!

As with any money-grubbing scheme, Queerbox Software couldn't resist dropping a few hundred overpriced, glorified pieces of garbage with next to no gameplay value, just to milk their gullible fanbase. The development process? Oh, it was a masterpiece of lazy genius: they shamelessly ripped off every successful franchise they could think of and blended it all into a steaming pile of crap, because hey, morons will buy anything, right?


The game's first DLC is the pinnacle of horror movie clichés, a cheap excuse to churn out the laziest garbage as quickly as possible. What we got was a monstrosity combining the worst of Left 4 Dead zombies and Resident Evil crows, because why not? The game introduces Frankensteins and "Were-Skags" – exactly what you'd expect: werewolves made out of bug-dogs and humans. Riveting.

The plot? Oh, it's a masterpiece. You help "Dr. Ze" (oops, I mean "Ned") deal with a zombie outbreak he caused because he threw a hissy fit over people constantly stealing his popcorn. At first, it's an infuriating, tedious grind that feels just like the main game – in other words, pure trash. What a shocker.

Then, the Crimson Lance zombies show up, and you're thrown into a never-ending firefight with hordes of vomiting pseudo-zombie morons. This joyous experience ends with a thrilling escape in a missile-shaped pod, complete with plenty of "fuck-you" banter.

And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, some nonsense goes down in a lumber yard. You "meet" knock-off Shaggy and Scooby, battle a giant zombified "Dr. Ned", and complete other mind-numbing tasks that exist solely to give you more experience points and a couple of decent weapons. Clearly, this is the best content ever made. Bravo, truly.

Ah, the second DLC – because one steaming pile of recycled content wasn’t enough! Not surprisingly, it’s a blatant rip-off of Mad Max, with a generous sprinkle of Gears of War and Doom thrown in for good measure. To even scratch the surface of its so-called potential, you’ll need a ridiculous number of active friends online – because misery loves company, right?

Enter Mad Moxxi, the epitome of a character designed by a committee of teenage boys. She's the “ultimate definition of a whore,” because apparently, that’s what it takes to be the boss of a gang in this creative black hole. But not just any gang – no, she wants the biggest, baddest, ballsiest bastards on this butt-ugly planet to join her crew.

So here we are, in the snowy hell-pits and crater-loaded death-hills, where you and your equally unfortunate friends must shoot things in a desperate bid to control the “GRAETEST ARENA EVAR!” Because nothing says "fun" like mindlessly blasting away in a virtual wasteland.

This time around, you get some half-decent armor – not that it matters. You'll probably just trade it for some rocks and keep playing "Find the Siren," because apparently, the developers decided to make hide-and-seek the pinnacle of gaming excitement.

So strap in, folks, and prepare for another round of mind-numbing drudgery, courtesy of the second DLC. Who needs originality when you’ve got a melting pot of clichés and a whole lot of hate to fuel your journey? Enjoy!

  • The Secret Whorehouse of General Fagg

The third DLC essentially throws more vehicles, more guns, and more vast, empty landscapes at you, featuring nothing but blatant Half-Life rip-offs. The story? Oh, it’s a masterpiece of absurdity.

So, there’s this chick named Athena who decides she's done with her Crimson Lance "duties" (wink, wink) and bolts from some guy called General Knoxx, who is apparently her pimp. Knoxx, in his infinite wisdom, sends his other “ladies” to drag her back. Enter some dude named Skank (seriously, that’s his name) who manages to capture her, despite Athena having a freaking teleporter. Genius move, Athena.

For reasons beyond comprehension, you step in, kill Skank, and help Athena escape. Fast forward, you encounter Knoxx again, who’s gone full emo and is on the verge of becoming a self-inflicted casualty. Naturally, you kill him. And what’s your reward? A whole three minutes to enjoy his "whorehouse." Riveting stuff.

As the plot (if you can call it that) thickens, you discover that Moxxi is Scooter's mom, Skank was her second husband, and Marcus is her third. The family tree of dysfunction doesn't stop there, though. In the grand finale, you face off against a Giant Enemy Crab. Yep, you read that right. A giant, freaking crab. Because why not? It’s the cherry on top of this absurd DLC sundae.

The fourth DLC is the ultimate dumpster fire, gifting you a collection of even shittier guns to face Hyperion's laughable version of the Crimson Lance. This masterpiece of brokenness was released in a state that only a developer's worst enemy could love, taking about a month to patch up. You couldn't level up, couldn't snag any achievements or trophies, and were blessed with a view of every unfinished quest from the brainless morons you played with online, drowning your own missions in a sea of pointless, low-level garbage.

Enter the ninja Claptrap – because regular Claptraps weren’t enough of a headache. This stealthy piece of junk unites all the Claptraps in a glorious revolt, repurposing the corpses of every bad guy you've already killed a million times into even more irritating robots. Hyperion, in their infinite wisdom (read: stupidity), tasks you with stopping the so-called Robolution, which is just a fancy way of saying "kill the same annoying robots over and over again."

The silver lining? You get a free pass to obliterate Claptraps for the sake of "great justice." Yes, you can blow those little nuisances to bits endlessly, because the game generously provides an infinite supply. Meanwhile, some genius named Tannis wants you to gather Claptrap parts so she can craft a giant dildo. Yes, you read that right.

Once you've slogged through the story, your OCD will inevitably kick in, compelling you to collect a bunch of random junk: at least three Pink Panties, five Goldfish, fifteen Pizzas, five pairs of 3D Glasses, fifteen Bobble-Heads, and twenty-five Cans of Oil that only drop after you've massacred at least 100 enemies. This means you'll be killing Craptraps for three weeks straight – if you're an absolute idiot.

And there you have it, the fourth DLC: a festival of frustration, pointless quests, and an endless parade of idiotic collectibles. Enjoy!

Borderlands 2: Electric Boogaloo

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT The Angel is Handsome Jack's daughter and has been playing you from the start, Roland and The Angel die, the Vault contains just another boss, and there are a million other vaults at the end for a terrible, pointless, drawn-out series of sequels nobody wants!!!1

The first game was announced as soon as Gearbox realized that their customer base has the shared IQ of a door knob, and as a result, the first game made a lot of Jew gold. The game features such innovations as "brand-new" characters and re-skins of the old guns. It has four original and is totally not the same as the last game's characters, because they have different names and/or skin color. A Siren, some Mexican "berserker" who dual wields guns instead of punching, a weeaboo sperglord with four fingers who speaks (mostly to himself) in haiku (you know, weeaboo literature shit), and a soldier that is obviously different. DLC characters include a 18-year-old girl who has sex with robots and a mental retard who enjoys blowing himself up. Their purpose is to milk you out of your ten dollars because we all know you're not going to play with all four of the characters in the first place, but you're gullible enough to pay for any shit they shove down your throat. Good going, Jackass! As a bonus, this game sold 13 million copies worldwide—for a recycled heap of shit. Demonstrating once and for all that "birds of a feather flock together." isn't just a gay-ass idiom

Plot

Five years after the first game, a company called Hyperion builds a monopoly over a new resource with a stupid name, after it got out of the first vault, infecting the crust of the planet in the process, or some stupid shit like that. Therefore, Hyperion takes over the planet and installs a totalitarian regime ruled by Handsome Jack, the company's CEO. Whoopty fuckin' doo. Later, news gets out that another hidden vault could be found on Pandora, thus giving a universal reason for dipshits to keep flocking to this wasteland.

The whole game is a mixture of shit that nobody cares about, including joining a resistance force and opposing Hyperion while doing some bland crap in the process. The newly, fresh-cut mongoloids get to interact with the old characters from the first game while you get bombarded by our favorite autistic robot, "ClapTrap," with a plethora of annoying gestures and phonic pollution. The Sirens now have enhanced powers because they apparently drilled their cunts with uranium.

The resistance base gets fucked up by Hyperion, and after a long, unwanted, boring drama, all the characters join forces to fight Hyperion. In the epic battle that ensues, you kill Jack's daughter, Angel, who gets all emo and actually requests the pawnage, and in return, Jack kills a nigger, because all niggers die in plotlines. You then learn the location of the second vault, where you encounter Jack and fight him, but the faggot opens the vault and releases the giant lava-dragon thing from within. After emptying a cargo jet of bullets into its perineum, you get to shoot Handsome Jack in the face. Vive la Resistance!

At the end, it's shown that there are over a trillion vaults all over the fuckin' universe, implying with a subtle hint that they can recycle this franchise ad infinitum.

Gameplay

If you don't have four copies, you are gay.

Borderlands 2 is basically the same game as the first one. Literally. Everything they used in the first one is also in the second, including elements from: Diablo, Halo, Fallout 3, Team Fortress 2, World of Warcraft, Gears Of War, Looney Tunes, Mad Max, Resident Evil, Doom, Left 4 Dead, and Avatar, all mashed-up together in a steamy pile of cow dung, some tool on Wikipedia described as "first-person role-playing shooter". 

You can still only choose between four playable characters, each recycled from the first game but plastered with a different paint job, to trick the apes who buy the game. Each has their own unique abilities, such as throwing a bird at your enemies or turning invisible and falling off a cliff. Do we still have to mention that the abilities are also recycled? I mean, everything else in the game is, including: monsters, guns, vehicles, containers, and landscapes. 

The game has a lot of guns, but every gun is worse than the previous one you had, so it doesn't really matter. Plus a plethora of Halo-esque shields and far too many grenade mods. The game is a button-mashing grind-fest. All you do is complete boring, repetitive missions that revolve around whoring yourself for random non-player characters, doing their bidding for rewards, and shooting the same enemies over and over again-BUT WITH DIFFERENT GUNZ!!! You will spend 99% of the game, whether on foot or by car, just getting to your destination and getting stuck in cacti while being gang banged by wildlife. The driving can be simulated in real life by force feeding yourself bleach and/or seventy-five pellets of mescaline, while riding a unicycle directly with your ass on a 2 cm wide rope between the Petronas Twin Towers, so you just end up walking. This probably has something to do with it being on Pandora so walking everywhere makes you more green.

The game is not broken at all.
   
“ 		 
Borderlands is all about the journey, not the destination, and like most trips, this one is much better when you have some friends along for the ride.
  		„
  		 

—Borderlands, because there's only ten hours worth of gameplay here.

Manufacturers: Electric Boogaloo

Since the weapons from the first game sucked shit, the developers decided to add even more crap to them in the second game. 

  • Jakobs: To finish a clip, you must now spam your fire button.
  • Maliwan: Same shit but with the new purple-puke element. That only weakens the enemy so you can finish them off with a different weapon.
  • Tediore: Exploding garbage. Don't even bother to fire their weapons, or even use them. All their guns look like toys.
  • TORGUE : NOBODY WANTS THEIR GODDAMN CRAP BECAUSE THEIR BULLETS ARE SLOWER THAN MY GRANDMA!! THE ONLY GOOD GUN, "UNKEMPT HAROLD", IS USED BY 90% OF THE MOTHERFUCKING PLAYERS WHO ARE STILL PLAYING THIS FUCKING SHIT!! ALSO... EXPLOSIONS?!
  • Vladof: Automatic firing on everything.
  • Atlas Hyperion: Their guns increase accuracy when firing, so there's a 100% guarantee you'll hit something.
  • Bandits: All their guns, except the rocket launcher, are shit.
  • E-Tech: The new useless "alien" weapons that are meant to eat your ammo.
  • Dahl: Aside from the burst fire when zoomed in, they are still worthless in comparison to Vladof.

Downloadable content

TL;DR - WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT?!!

Habitual life-sucking parasites like video game developers are an unwanted, straightforward exploitation of their dimwitted customer base by effortlessly creating thousands upon thousands of worthless and recycled downloadable content that they preemptively plan and develop before the actual main game is even finished. In this article, we will solely focus on the campaign DLC, which contains some sort of substance.

  • Captain Scarlett and Her Pirate Booty

Emphasis on ass, the story revolves around a pirate queen, because we all know pirates weren't a bunch of syphilitic misogynistic drunkards whose main occupation besides murdering each other was not forcing women to swallow cannon balls with their ass, but apparently in this game they all decided to hold hands and follow one for no apparent fucking reason. The main excuse these pirates have for obeying this bitch is that she's courageous and deadly, not because they were promised treasure. The only pirate womyn in history were insufferable dykes that followed every step from the hypergamy rule book in order to fuck their way into a crew and/or up the social hierarchy, having their fuckholes the size of the Tsar Bomba crater at the end of their "careers". Anyway, disregarding 7th grade history, uptight nitpicking, and logic, we are presented with dem pirates. But wait a minute! They aren't your normal sticking pirates! No siree! They are known as sand pirates. They have AK-47s and they ride camels and stuff. The story goes that a vast ocean once stood in the place of the now arid desert, filled with normal boring-ass pirates. So Geartwat Shitware came and sucked out all the water, being very proficient at sucking things, as we know. Nevertheless, this didn't stop the pirates from pirating. What exactly? I do not know. Caravans maybe? Possibly. But aren't they just regular robbers? It doesn't matter, you get to shoot shit.

  • Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Faggorty

It's about a fucking vault! Wooooooooooooowwww, Bro! Holy fucking shit, who could have thought? I mean, the range, right? Besides the immense brainstorming Geartwat did in-between breaks from swimming in your cash, the "story" is shorter than my dick. The Vault will open once someone feeds it the blood of the "ultimate coward". So - "some guy" organizes a fagfest to find the biggest pussybitch of them all. I suppose if you could somehow materialize into the game and slit your writs, you could win instantly.The whole DLC has a wrestling theme, probably an implied suggestion that their fans like watching sweaty men in spandex and/or they wrestle their microdicks way too much.

  • Sir Hammermydick's Big Fag Hunt

You run around with this pseudo-posh cracka jack hunting "rare animals" until some guy appears, demanding you leave all those niggers alone. And you go like "Lol no" and kill him too.

  • Tiny Tina's Assault on Deez Nuts

Fuck you, I'm a dragon! This time around you're playing with a tomboyish lolita, with enough stolen material from Tolkien's mythology for him to do cartwheels in his grave. This dirty jailbait is the "game master", tasking you with playing this abomination just to later realize this is just some cringe-inducing soap opera directed towards the death of that pussy-wiped nigger who dies at the end of the main game. They want you to feel remorse for pixels when the main gimmick of the game is killing shit with guns. Yeah, wrong demographic, fucktards.

Classes

  • Roland: A nigger who joined the military so that he could steal their guns. Incapable of sharing his emotions, the traits of his whole persona can be compared to a concrete block. His special ability lets him deploy an automatic turret. The only black character in the game was added to mask racism, but was killed in the second game and replaced with a white douchenozzle, thus rendering the whole point devoid of its fucking meaning. After each successful kill, he is said to fuck his turrets.
  • Brick: The brainless steroid infested bloated fuck from Gears of War. Suffers from roid-rage and an acute case of micro-penis mixed with daddy issues and bipolar disorder, much like the player. Coincidentally, he uses this 'roiding as a special ability, hulkin' out and fist-raping enemies while being sexually confused.    
  • Mordecai: The game's bitch luchador, who's looking for some kind of repayment for the crap he's dealt with (Apparently, the sweet beard is insufficient).His special ability turns the game into Angry Birds (like they didn't take enough from other games).
  • Autistic Guy: The guy who balanced his life by removing his face with a spatula while repeatedly shooting people in the head from a distance. Supposed to suffer from dementia, he was witnessed numerous times talking to himself in a sexual manner, probably an alter ego. A boner can be visible at all times while the subject is in action.
  • Mechromancer: An 18-year old girl who left her dad to die and ran away with her robotic blow up doll of death. She is also the most skill-required class to play (hint: put your skill points in "Close Enough" and you can play with only one button). Also, don't forget to pay your 60 dollars if you want to fap her to death, you sick fuck.

Enemies

Environmentalists jack off to this level of recycling.
  • Psycho: Batshit insane people who go around looting stuff in order to survive. They are everywhere and all they do is run directly towards you or stand in one place and shoot at you.
  • Crabwormlarvae: Underground crab things that can be killed pretty easily. 
  • Crimson Lance: A group of elite soldiers armed with powerful weapons and shields.They have a history of killing civilians and breaking the law.
  • Guardians: A swarm of alien/robot things that fire lasers and stab you with lightsabers.
  • Rakks: A bunch of cliff racers bird-dragon dragon-bat-eagle things that fly around and annoy the player, causing them to waste ammo.  Not to worry, though, as ammo apparently grows on trees and is left just about everywhere. They drop health upon death, apparently carrying it in their dicks.
  • Rakk Hive: Massive monsters on whicht Rakks live. They can rape you in a minute flat if you're not prepared. It's best to kill them by aiming for their eyes and spamming grenades.
  • Outriders: Outriders are bandits who drive around in cars, flipping people off and mooning them through the windshield. They can be completely ignored by launching a guided missile into their cars and running over their flaming corpses. This shouldn't be an issue as their driving is that of a blind Pomeranian who can't reach the pedals. 
  • Scythid: Giant bug-like creatures. Attack in the same way that Skags do, except that some blow up when killed up close.
  • Skags: Zerg like dog creatures without assholes. They eat stuff and regurgitate anything they can't digest, from ammo and guns to dollar bills, because the point of logic is to ignore it completely. 
  • Spiderant:  The result of a natural phenomenon of ants and spiders fucking or just being an unimaginative Gearbox employee twat. Without eyes, they will always confuse the player character as a potential mate, and they will immediately start chasing you for the main purpose of forcing you into their colony. Some advanced species don't even need to chase you anymore because they've discovered a method to barrage you with hunks of jizz.

ClapTrap

Claptrap... get it? Clap infested Trap... but in this case, just a midget in a metal box.

The ClapTraps (pronounced 'forced meme') are the unicycled robots inhabiting the world of Borderlands, which you'll come across several times on your journey and are more or less designed to be the "comedic" sidekick of the game, giving you a brain tumour in the process. Unfortunately, Gearbox missed the mark by several miles in creating a popular "Companion Cube" like mascot character that's enduring and popular (Jew) to players, but what they didn't realize was that the idea of an annoying little robot that talked in a stupid electronic voice and went around dancing had already been used. They also took the name "ClapTrap" from another entertainment franchise worshiped by nerds. ClapTraps are living proof that robots can develop Asperger's syndrome.


   
“ 		 
LOOK AT ME IM DANCING, IM DANCING!!
  		„
  		 

—gay

   
“ 		 
DO DO DO DO DO BEE BOP BO BEEP BO!!!
  		„
  		 

—gay

   
“ 		 
OH YEAH, GET DOWN! UH HUH, CHECK ME OUT YEAH!
  		„
  		 

—gay

   
“ 		 
OH GOD! AM I LEAKING? AM I OH GOD IM LEAKING!
  		„
  		 

—gay

   
“ 		 
THERE'S OIL! THERE'S OIL EVERYWHERE! WHAAAAAAAA!!!
  		„
  		 

—gay

   
“ 		 
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT DEAD! STILL LOOKING FOR THE VAULT?
  		„
  		 

—gay

   
“ 		 
UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE I THINK IM OFF BEAT UNCE UNCE UNCE
  		„
  		 

—gay

   
“ 		 
THERE'S NEW MISSIONS AVAILABLE AT THE BOUNTY BOARD IN FYRESTONE!
  		„
  		 

—OH GOD WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?

   
“ 		 
HAALP! HAAAALP!! COME ON!! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. AAAAAANYTHING. THINK ABOUT IT...
  		„
  		 

—JESUS RAPEDICKS GET THE FUCKING FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU HEMORRHOID-O-TRON

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Duke Nukem Demo

When you bought Borderlands Game of the Year edition, besides getting all the DLC that you had already wasted forty bucks on, you also got access to an exclusive Duke Nukem demo on all systems. Though if you got the game through Steam and used the best console, you could just download the demo anyway.

Borderlands 3: Pushing A Turd Down Hill

Introduction

Borderlands 3: the highly anticipated sequel in the Borderlands series, where Gearbox Software somehow managed to pack in even more explosions, wisecracking characters, and improbable weaponry, proving once again that you don’t need to reinvent the wheel when you can just slap a few more spikes on it and call it a day.

Plot: Or the Lack Thereof

In Borderlands 3, players return to the lawless wastelands of Pandora, which, despite being blown up, burnt down, and repeatedly shot to pieces in previous installments, still manages to provide endless entertainment. This time, the player characters, dubbed the Vault Hunters, are up against the Calypso twins, Tyreen and Troy, a pair of insufferably edgy streamers whose primary goal is to annoy you into submission with their incessant vlogging and penchant for viral hashtags.

The Vault Hunters

The game introduces four new Vault Hunters, each one more absurd than the last:

  • Zane Flynt, the Irish stereotype who shoots first and asks questions never.
  • Amara, the brawler who punches first and... also asks questions never.
  • Moze, the mech pilot who thought playing a first-person shooter inside a first-person shooter was a good idea.
  • FL4K the pet-loving robot who somehow has more emotional depth than the entirety of the supporting cast.

Gameplay: Button Mashing and Loot Grabbing

The core gameplay of Borderlands 3 remains unchanged, because why fix what’s broken? Players will spend countless hours shooting, looting, and wondering why they’re still playing. The game’s notorious for its “gazillion guns,” most of which you’ll discard within minutes for the next marginally better one. Highlights include guns that walk, guns that talk, and guns that shoot other guns because, apparently, Gearbox ran out of ideas sometime in 2011.

The Humor: Forced and Farcical

Borderlands 3 tries very hard to be funny. So hard, in fact, that it ends up being the video game equivalent of that one friend who still quotes Monty Python sketches verbatim. The humor is a mix of juvenile gags, forced memes, and characters screaming at you about how wacky and zany they are. The writing team apparently had a quota to fill for "quirky dialogue," resulting in interactions that range from mildly amusing to painfully awkward.

Graphics: Next-Gen Cell Shading

Geartwat stuck with the signature cell-shaded art style, presumably because it’s easier to draw squiggly lines than realistic textures. The vibrant, comic-book look still holds up, mainly because it’s the only thing stopping the game from looking like a post-apocalyptic version of Farmville.

Multiplayer: Mayhem and Mediocrity

Playing Borderlands 3 with friends is akin to herding cats with flamethrowers. The game shines brightest in co-op, where you can collectively marvel at the sheer stupidity of the plot and simultaneously despair over the repetitive loot grind. Just be prepared for the inevitable lag spikes and connection issues, a staple feature in any modern multiplayer game.

DLC: The Never-Ending Story

Gearfag, never one to miss an opportunity to milk the cash cow, released a slew of DLCs that promise to extend the Borderlands experience well beyond its welcome. From fighting off Lovecraftian horrors to attending Handsome Jack's posthumous bachelor party, the DLCs ensure that if you weren’t tired of the game by the end of the main campaign, you certainly will be after the expansions.

A Glorious Mess

Borderlands 3 is exactly what you’d expect: more guns, more explosions, and more over-the-top antics. It’s a game that doesn’t take itself seriously, which is fortunate because no one else does either. Despite its flaws, it’s an entertaining romp through a world where logic takes a backseat to lunacy, and that’s precisely why it remains beloved by fans and a laughingstock to everyone else. Enjoy the ride, and don’t forget to set your expectations to low and your volume to mute.

Trolling

Fanbois

  • Ask where the REAL melee weapons are.
  • Ask for modded stuff.
  • Mention the words "fall" and "out" in the same sentence on a Borderlands forum.
  • Telling them an assault rifle with 97% accuracy and 215 damage isn't nearly as satisfying as having a life.
  • Tell them the following based on which character they play
    • If they play as Lilith, it is because they desperately want a girlfriend and will never get laid.
    • If they play as Roland, it is because they are a wigger, or possibly a chav.
    • If they play as Brick, it is because they are a fat fuck who wishes he had chunk-power.
    • If they play as Mordecai, it is because they want to be a badass but are afraid to leave the basement.
  • Tell them that WoW is an MMO that has more than just four players per server.
  • Tell them Wolfenstein had better graphics.
  • Tell them that an original art style doesn't mean jack shit if the only colors used are gray and brown.
  • Ask them if the game ends once you get to Vault 13.
  • Tell them you have the "Troll Repeater Pistol" and want to trade it for a hex for your Diablo character.
  • Tell them the game is overrated.

Online Tips

  • Equip your character with the "Transfusion" grenade modifier and start a duel with your partner(s). Works best as Brick in a tight, confined space (Lost Cave, some Arenas, etc.) with about 5-6 grenades, and bonus points if you scream "ALLAHU AKBAR!" while doing so.
  • As Roland or Brick, take off aimlessly into a dangerous area full of "Badass" bandits, skags, etc., then run back to your teammate(s) and either keep running and turn around to see if they survive, or quit and see if you'll even play together again.
  • As Lilith, four words: Phasewalk the entire duel.
  • As Brick, scream the entire time you beat up Roland bare-handed, "PUNCH SOLDIERS RECEIVE GUNS!"
  • As Mordecai, or possibly Roland, run off from your group and hide out in a house or somewhere unseen around a bandit spawn-point, and "blend in" as your partners get raped. When they're near death, run over to them, heal them, THEN challenge them to a duel.
  • As Roland, constantly ask where the white wimminz at, even if Lilith's in the group. ESPECIALLY if Lilith's in the group.
  • Get yourself a modded gun and shield, so that you can kill anything and be unkillable. Then go into a game with noobs and continuously demand duels with them. Bonus points if you're in the middle of a fight. Win and claim that you have skillz or rub it in their face. Demand another duel. Win and rub. Repeat.
  • Join low-level games, kill bosses, and steal all the loot.
  • "Help" new players with boss battles by escorting them there, and then wandering off to do something more important. When they ask what you're doing, respond with "Did you not get the message? There are more jobs available at the New Haven bounty board. You kill him, and I'll go get the mission".
  • As the driver, crash the car.
  • Make up a class mod. Say a boss dropped it, and refuse to trade it for anything.
  • Constantly ask to "borrow" money.

Rave Reviews

   
“ 		 
Quite repetitive and somewhat boring.
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—Gamers.at

   
“ 		 
Clichéd post-apocalyptic dystopian world; "Extreme" attitude; Fairly mundane shooting action; Split-screen as a concept.. so very 1999.
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—Crispy Gamer

   
“ 		 
It's like Fallout, Gears, and D2 butt-fucked, and Gearbox collected the smegma.
  		„
  		 

—Some Nobody

   
“ 		 
GUNS GUNS GUNS OOH A SHIELD! GUNS GUNS
  		„
  		 

—Typical online teamspeak

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Images

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • They even have spiderants, only in Pandora!
    They even have spiderants, only in Pandora!
  • One of many bugs.
    One of many bugs.
  • Nigga gonna steal my CAR!
    Nigga gonna steal my CAR!
  • Also, he has 3 balls.
    Also, he has 3 balls.
  • Cosplayers can even ruin shit.
    Cosplayers can even ruin shit.
  • YEE-HAW!
    YEE-HAW!
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • Original cover art.
    Original cover art.

Videos


Trailer - save yourself time and money, this is the whole game.


THAT FUCKING SONG


Just like real life.

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See Also

External Links

Borderlands is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

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