Charlie Hebdo

Charlie Hebdo is a crappy government funded magazine from the historical home of spineless faggotry, France. Charlie is managed by a bunch of oldfags and kikes that have drawn Muhammed fellating the cock of the yt man often enough to be firebombed and attacked at least 3 times in the past 10 years. It was made more than 100 years ago and for some odd reason, is still going on even today, mostly because it receives government funding and without it would slowly start to derelict and finally meet its ineluctable fate.

But despite being kept afloat by EU cultural grants and government backhanders, Charlie Hebdo has courageously campaigned for the repeal of repressive laws that make it a criminal offence to boo -- or to parody the lyrics of -- the French national anthem, to 'desecrate' the French flag, or to circulate images of such flag desecration whether privately or publicly. (€7,500 fine and six months on Devil's Island with Steve McQueen)

This shows that the Charlie Hebdo team held no respect for sacred cows of any kind and fearlessly stood up to authority by ridiculing it at every opportunity thus demonstrating the first principle of satire, to wit that the hand that feeds you must be bitten hardest. Vive la France!

What am I saying? Of course they did no such fucking thing, the hypocritical drunken smelly French cowards, they chose to humiliate minorities instead.

Most of the time they have made fun of Christians and Muslims but very rarely of Jews because they know who is the big dick here. Holocaust denial is a criminal offence as of 1990, but an attempt in 2012 to extend the law to cover denial of the Armenian genocide was rejected as incompatible with freedom of speech. Vive la différence!

Fearless Charlie Hebdo has very bravely steered clear of Holocausts in general but has boldly dared to publish non-illegal depictions of the prophet Mohamed, knowing full well that some Muslims take great exception to such depictions even when they aren't crude insults, as these ones mostly were. The Charlie Hebdo team scoffed at warnings of imminent danger, saying: "We are proud guardians of the Freedom Of Speech!"

Typical Charlie Hebdo reader

One day, after a long pause, a giant cake wrapped in ribbons was delivered to the Charlie Hebdo offices. Everyone was delighted to see it. Then SURPRISE! gunmen jumped out, shot everyone dead, and ran away like pussies.

Everyone in the (Christian) west was offended that it was not possible in this instance to deeply insult the religion of religious fundamentalist terrorists repeatedly over a ten-year period and get away with it, so they all got together to hold hands in Paris and wear totally gay "Je suis Charlie!" t-shirts. But everyone studiously avoided mentioning the word "Palestine", because that might make it a pro-Palestine demonstration in the eyes of the haw-he-haw-law, and pro-Palestinian demonstrations are outlawed in France (€15,000 fine and a year on Devil's Island, rising to €75,000 and three years if you hide your face).

As you might expect, World leaders clambered aboard the bandwagon like flies on shit (although America "forgot" to send anyone important, saying "We have enough Islamic terrorist problems of our own already, thanks, so we'll just sit this one out").

Among those who were desperate for some good publicity were representatives from those havens of free speech and unfettered journalism Russia, Egypt, Turkey, Algeria and the United Arab Emirates. Israel got its hook-nosed face in the frame too, despite the fact that orthodox Jewish papers photoshopped female leaders out of their coverage of the demonstration because "images of women are indecent". Oh, and an honourable mention to David Cameron, the Prime Minister who personally appointed a paedophile to censor Britain's internet, who rules over a country where you can be arrested for calling a horse "gay" or convicted of a criminal offence and sentenced to 100 hours public labour for shouting "No public sector cuts!"

But no-one made a fuss about any of that, because, you know, ISLAMIC TRRRSM.

TL;DR: Despite warnings about what was fucking obviously going to happen, a bunch of jerks poked a wasp nest with sharp sticks, got stung to death, and everyone said it was the wasps' fault for being poked in the first place, disregarding the fact that wasps only exist to sting other things. And nothing of value was lost.

Why it's shitty and that you can't trust them

It has been widely known by analysts, intellectuals and observers in France that Charlie Hebdo is before anything an outlet for political leverage, dependant of government subsidiaries, and used by different influence groups to antagonize certain parts of the population and get them to fight with each-others. It is part of the whole Anti-Racism movement's armed arm of the 80's that was operating in France back in the days. While it's cool to laugh at religion, it is not OK when it's becoming a tool to divide a society in order to better rule it.

A report by The Jew York Times on Charlie Hebdo with Caroline Fourest, hardcore feminist

History : the birth of a prodigy

Charlie Hebdo's history is very erratic, complex, mysterious and entangled in controversy and intrigues. Here's a small retrospective to help you figure it out.

Charlie Hebdo was launched in 1960 by Professeur Choron and François Cavanna under a different name that we know today: Hara-Kiri: journal bête et méchant. Hara-Kiri being the well known Japo suicide method and the slogan was dumb and mean paper. At that time Professor Choron was still a credible figure and had the merit to equally critize everybody and trying to satire our society and make people thinks. Fortunately enough for him he didn't have to witness the recent shitshow as he passed away in 2005.

Prof Choron

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  Prof Choron poopoo chocolate
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  Heartbreaking! Eddy Mitchell find back his daycare nurse
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  Nice neckbeard Prof!

The HK team decides in 1969 to work simultaneously on another monthly magazine: Charlie mensuel (Charlie Monthly) that would be different from Hara-Kiri. The publication will go on until 1986, outside Charlie Hebdo's realm and editorial line. The mag was basically big in drawing porn and publishing counterculture content.

Mensuel Charlie, a mag of his very own

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  Charlie Mensuel Alice
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  1978 From Madagascar artists Xhi et Maa
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  Charlie Mensuel 49
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  ft Peanuts Avril 1962
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  Charlie Mensuel ISIS
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  Charlie Mensuel 19
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  Charlie Cinema
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  Furfaggotery
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  Valerie Kaprisky
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  Charlie Mensuel 6
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  IRL troll
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  Boobs
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  Charlie Mensuel 10
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  Valentina Crepax The Pinching princess
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  Charlie Mensuel 136

Still in 1969, Hara-Kiri starts publishing the magazine weekly and calls it l'Hebdo Hara-Kiri. In November 1970, France's largest icon, former President Général de Gaulle, dies. Referencing to a previous fire incident in a Colombey's dance club that killed 146 people, Hara-Kiri Hebdo releases his front cover with the line Tragic Bal in Colombey: 1 dead. The journal is then permabanned by Ministry of Interior for 'pornography'.

The General de Gaulle's name was Charles. With that in mind, Hara-Kiri Hebdo's crew changes the magazine's name to Charlie Hebdo and gets around the magazine ban. Already then the staggering level of idiocy and foolishness of this paper was very palpable.

Since those sweet SJW didn't want advertisement in their pages and rely solely on subscriptions (or maybe no one in their right mind would have wanted to be associated with them, a feeling many EDiots have to deal with everyday), issuing halts in December 1981 due to a lack of sales. A single issue will be published to comment Choron's TV appearance on Droit de Réponse that caused turmoil.

Charlie Hebdo officially disappears in 1982.

How to get pwnt in 3 steps

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  The idiotic games of professor Choron
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  Tragic bal in Colombey: 1 dead
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  At Christmas, think of the unloved: invite a cop!

CH back from the dead in some other form

In 1992, Phillipe Val and Charb, following a beef they had with another magazine (The fat Bertha), decide to resurrect Charlie Hebdo's concept because these power-thirsty cunts wanted their own newspaper. They gather Charlie Hebdo former associates in a dinner-meeting (French always do that: finding an excuse to eat, drink and smoke weed over some 'work reunion') and after hours of deep brainstorming, they decide to name their new venture out of outright originality: Charlie Hebdo. Wow, the name is no more secured by trademark rights. Let's use it again to surf on the name's popularity. They don't even try to hide that fact: they claim it's not a new magazine but a reissuing of the late Charlie Hebdo.

Anyway, they kept trying to offend everyone and initiated a purge of the original crew of Charlie Hebdo. Philipe Val is now known as a dictatorial boss with ruthless methods while Charb, now holding important responsabilities, is sucking Val's cock because maybe eventually he will get to take his place as director of publication. Many CH collaborators quits or are fired because they don't go along with Val's new editorial line.

In 2006, CH publish Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten's Muhammad cartoons, notorious for starting a shitstorm around the Muslim world. CH was already walking on the slippery slope of demagogy and brainless stigmatisation of Muslims and Catholics, while publishing columns on how Euro Union is great and that all French people shouldn't vote no to repeal the deal back in 2005.

TL;DR Charlie Hebdo was once subversive and useful but it lost it's virginity when it got bought back by l'Elizée's secret fund office under President Mitterand in 1981. And maybe even before that. Here we are now in 2015, and everybody is whishing without admitting it that we should plainly and simply pull the plug on that irrelevant agonizing avorton.

Reactions by Muslims till now

pwned

There has been many reactions by Muslims because no one should make fun of Mohammed for being a pedo those include:

2011 : Cyber rape in the ass and cocktail molotov

Capture of hacked charliehebdo.fr homepage

Another capture

They got pwned by a fire bomb and they got their website haxed by 1337 Muslims group Akincilar after they made a special release named Charia Hebdo with Muhammad as invited editor in chief. After a good night of arab pwnnage with his pals at Charlie Hebdo, Charb left the office while still laughing at all the jokes he made; only to come back the next day to discover CH office destroyed by a cocktail molotov and his website hacked, redirecting to an Islamic website (apparently no redirect they just took over CH's domain). Bluevision, Charlie Hebdo website hoster, after originally putting it offline refused to put it back online, scared to shit by numerous incoming death threats.

That lead CH gang to flee and take cover like a bunch of chimps with mad-cow fever in the office of other newspaper Libération, very happy to welcome them for some thorough work. But 4 days after the hacking of charliehebdo.fr, Akincilar threatened Libération through hacker ekber AKA black apple: If they keep publishing these drawings we'll take care of them too.

It is believed that the molotov bomb could be a simulated attack to get insurance money and a publicity print in the while. Ironically, they were already calling it the 9/11 of Charlie Hebdo, oblivious of what was coming up for them.

2012 : Charlie Hebdo stroke of a genius

Being the great trolls they are, they published leaked n00dz of mohammed during the time the American embassies were being bombed for the innocence of Islam movie, the French, being the pussies they are, made sure their embassies all over the world be surrounded by riot police, needless to say this plan really worked!

Another hacking attack on their website occured on september 19th, 2012.

2015 : Charlie Hebdo shooting

I don't fancy yours much. The faces of blasphemy

Typical frenchfaggotry in the media - From left to right

Timeline of events

The Kouachi Brothers were known by Secret Services

The Paris Terror Attack is a recent event, therefore we will do our best to present you the facts from the informations available. It is too early to clearly identify the whatifs and whatnots, whether the attack is a false-flag or an isolated act, or if western secret services or radical Islamist groups are involved. Please note that this timeline is subject to change.

We're in 2011. Not learning from past mistakes, they continue to make fun of Mohammed more than ever in a new batcave, unknown to the public to avoid further pwnage.

Meanwhile some Sand Niggers, The Kouachi brothers, after have read a whole box of Charlie Hebdo back issues from the last two decade, decide they are done with those mandy dogs of Charlie Hebdo. At least that's what the media want us to believe. Anyway they would be from now plotting an attack on CH along their associates from the Paris' 19th district gang, all of them known by French secret service.

Subsenquently, on January 7th 2015, they attack CH temp headquarters and sucessfully conduct a full commando operation armed with kalasnikovs and a rocket launcher killing 12 people in the process. Magazine director 'Charb' get killed among four other cartoonists and some economy journalist. Of course, nobody gives a shit in the media about the three cops, the maintenance guy, other journalists and the text corrector because only the death of old talentless frenchfag illustrators matters after all.

A third terrorist, coulibaly, does a simultaneous attack by rolling in Porte de Vincennes square, shooting a female cop that was doing traffic control, and by finally storming HyperCacher foodstore and taking hostages. Four of them will perish.

At total of 8 civilians has died in the attacks for a toll of 20 person deceased.

BBitchC report The video that shows Coulibaly running through a barrage of shots, jumping out the windows with HANDCUFFS (at 0:44)!!1!1 Previous Video | Next Video

Je suis Charlie

I am Charlie

Je suis Charlie (translates as: I am a fucking faggot and I need Charlie's meat) is the biggest display of faggotry we have been brought to witness so far in 2015, featuring a bunch of celebrities and moralfags uttering "Je suis Charlie" as if they are making some sort of bold statement about the importance of free speech. No one gave a shit about Musfags murdering people in Benghazi or the fact that they've been raping the eurofag women like it's going out of style and genuinely being a shitstain on humanity, yet they all unite when vulgar and completely pointless newspaper gets shot up. Perhaps this time it hit a little too close to home?

Brilliantly, the first post-massacre edition of Charlie Hebdo features the prophet Muhamed on the front page again but this time with the caption "All is forgiven", which of course shows a perfect understanding of the thought-processes of Islamic fundamentalists and will not result in any further confusion as they suddenly re-think their plan to murder non-Muslim blasphemers due to the mighty world-changing power of satire.

• "What were we thinking?" sob 100,000,000 guilt-ridden Muslims
• "Hey, guys, that new cartoon's actually kinda funny!" agrees Pakistan
• Turkish delight at new cartoon
• Eager Kuwaitis hungry for more irreverent rib-tickling
• Niger paralysed by fun-loving Muslims rolling around with hysterical laughter on major highways and in shopping centers.
• 800,000 cheerful Chechens chuckle at Charlie Hebdo
• Iran's French embassy besieged by satire-starved students demanding moar
• Smiles all round in Sudan

While the entire world was literally shaken off its axis by the deaths of 17 clapped-out loltwats and the aftermath, another bunch of Islamic nutjobs killed an estimated 2,000 Nigerian civilians in just 24 hours. Everybody's shrugged the fuck out. No-one cares, 'cos the dead were all niggers and don't you see we're mourning Charlie?

Troll Je suis charlie with these fan made

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  Killing at Hebron. Talmud is shit: your guide for the Holocaust business
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  Talmud is magic: it transforms water into gaz and gaz into gold
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  Al-Quaida Hebdo: The French love to troll Charlie Hebdo
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  1 million in discount on the 6, in exchange of Palestine!
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  Cabu overwhelmed by the fundamentalists: it's hard to be killed by idiots

Butthurt ensues

The Takedown: Over there! I see one who is not Charlie

Some people in France that managed to not go complete batshit insane, pointed out the complete bullshitness, hate and biggotry of Charlie Hebdo, and that after all, they might have a little bit asked for it, then fully managed to ignite a massive wave of butthurt among the brainwashed population, that in return started to troll everyone in sight that was not effectively and copiously sucking Charlie's cock.

To this mandatory question everyone in France asks now there is only two option (no exception, you have to choose one):

Are you Charlie?

• Yes! of course, I am Charlie! Please take advantage of me, take all my money and abuse me!

• No, are you nuts!?! I would rather die than support these criminal scumbags! Warning: this option may result in permaban.

So, in other terms, it has become very politically incorrect to repudiate CH in France, which is odd, but rejoice! We have many new lulzy opportunities laying ahead as I'm sure somebody will say something soon that will cause a lot of drama.

In fact, just recently, humorist Dieudonné has been pwned by police and arrested on charge of 'apology of terrorist acts' because he trolled 'Je suis Charlie' saying "I feel like Charlie Coulibaly"; Coulibaly being the name of the third terrorist. Vive la liberté d'expression!

Je suis Charlie

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  All right, so you were the ones drawing these things?
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  Dear enemies of freedom of speech, we're pissed: we won't stop drawing (gay)
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  Unrealistic expectations
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  No! Our liberty thou cannot kill
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  In the twisted mind of palestine cocksucker Latuff, an attack launched by muslims is an attack towards muslims
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  Je suis Charlie by Latuff, 2 years before
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  y'all try that next time niggas point a gun at you
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  Luke, I am Charlie (notice Luke reaction when he realizes he must suck Charlie)
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  Women about to burn Je suis Charlie signs
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  WTF

Some Jews got snuffed so it's all about Israel yet again

Coulibaly upped the score by taking out some yids in a bagel shop before getting pwnt himself. This prompted the usual calamitous whining from Israel about how it was just like Krystalnacht and everyone was very polite about it all while secretly wishing through gritted teeth that the kikes would stop hogging the limelight.

Israeli Prime Minister Binman Netanyahu was even asked by France to stay the fuck away, but couldn't resist shoving his malignant smirking fat face in front of the assembled cameras while pushing his way to the front of the queue.

He had decided to invade France because competing Israeli politicians would be there too and so he told French officials that Hollande could go fuck himself. Furious, the French decided to invite Sand nigger leader Mahmoud Abbas because that would teach a lesson to this war criminal pig. But Abbas, the little yid-fearing cunt that he is, declined the invitation because of heavy snow disregard this he finally went and the genius managed to be caught smiling in front row by blood-thirsty Israeli media!

After crashing the magazine's memorial party, Netanyahu managed to transform the ceremony into a pro-Israeli propaganda meeting by urging French Jews to flee to Israel, where it is an offence to call for a boycott of Israeli goods, with a massive fine regardless of whether or not it led to any economic harm, where 46 per cent of citizens want criticism of Israel criminalised and where they do nothing but whine and whine about cartoons that depict Jews in a bad light. Enjoy your liberal democracy, Jew-bags.

• "Jews should emigrate to Israel because there have been 8,000 anti-Semitic incidents... in the last 15 years."

Bibi Triumphs as he steals the show

The kind of shit that caused beef after beef for the last four decade

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  Killing in Egypt: The Koran is shit: it doesn't stop bullets
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  Life of Muhammad: first part: beginning of a prophet
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  Muhammad being overwhelmed by fundamentalists: It's hard being loved by idiots
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  100 lashes if you're not laughing
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  If Muhammad would came back -- I'm the Prophet you idiot! -- Shut up, Infidel!
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  Typical CH headline
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  Untouchables 2: Don't mock. Muhammad, a star is born
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  A stupid film on Islam triggers fundamentalists' rage: Show us an intelligent one and we'll start World War 3
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  Sharia in Libya with DSK: Weather is better than Lile and we're not bothered like in New York
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  An Arab licks the ass of a Jew
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  The Pope in Paris: The French as dumb as the niggers
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  Egypt: Finally a President's wife that doesn't tweet -- I got my hands full!

Moar trolling front pages (use them abundantly)

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  Oil : Enough mucking around! When do we go kick the Arabs' ass?
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  Finally we can say it: Hitler is super cool (Old edition when they didn't use to be shit)
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  The cross of happiness: thanks to my cross of happiness, I win at the lotery and I am never impregnated (use it to troll Femen for +5 damage and +1 roll dice!)
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  Ass of a Jewish Girl: Does racism help to sell? We'll tell you next week.

See also

• Boston
• CNN
• Freedom of speech
• Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
• Old media
• Islam
• Jews did 9/11
• Liberal
• Liberal media
• Muhammad Cartoons
• Terrorist
• The New York Times

External Links

• Article about the first cyber attack and cocktail molotov (French)
  
• Article on 2sd cyber-attack on september 19th, 2012 (French)
  
• Article on threats to Libération by CH hackers (French)
• Their shit website - Warning! risk of cross-fire casuality while visiting the website!
  

Charlie Hebdo is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

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Featured article January 20th & 21th, 2015
Preceded by Ben Kuchera	Charlie Hebdo	Succeeded by Lowti3rgod