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God
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please click here and slowly scroll down to the bottom of the page. |
—Scientist Richard Dawkins | ||
God (also known as weev, Allah, Cthulhu, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Haruhi Suzumiya, Lil B, House, Josef Fritzl, Black Jesus, GodJesus, Xenu, Moot, Yahweh, Odin, Verus, Zeus, and Morgan Freeman) is the incredibly cruel, sadistic, psychopathic, homicidal, sociopathic, and illogical to the point of madness asshole kid with a magnifying glass. He/she is generally accepted by all religions and cultures as the biggest, most successful troll of all time. It is claimed that he/she zie is also a lie or a scam set up by the Jews for the lulz.
He is simultaneously the protagonist and antagonist of the Bible, a book which has somehow sold more copies than Harry Potter (but still not as much as Lord of the Rings), making it the most successful work of fiction evar (because Lord of the Rings is totally 100% nonfiction. The Bible, the chronology of God's Adventures, is a volume of trolling, extreme violence, incest, plagues, rape and other sorts of epic win. It is believed that God created the universe for no other reason than to play a game of The Sims. He tends to be a major douche. He also appears to have taken some kind of anger management class in between the Old and New Testaments. Catholics say that happened because Jews don't know what they're talking about. Jews just don't care. God also appears in other works such as the Koran and The Book of Mormon, prompting disagreements among God fans as to who has the biggest canon. God will never answer prayers because He is too busy for you.
—Epidurial, on God. | ||
The Attributes of God
Theists will tell you that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.
—Trolls | ||
—Trolls | ||
This famous paradox is in fact a meaningless tautology, the equivalent of saying: "Can God do something He cannot do?" but it is very likely to cause RAGE and will potentially result in lulz. A much more meaningful and interesting paradox is this:
The most notorious rebuttal to this question is "*pause*...err...because he's omniscient?". Citing God's omniscience as evidence for his omniscience is highly inadequate because even I could do that HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS. The only true answer is this: it does not make logical sense for any being to be able to know that any other being including themselves knows everything. From this we can conclude that even if God is omniscient, He does not know that He is, and has no grounds for telling us that He is. The obvious questions follow, "How does He know He is omnipotent or omnipresent then?" Again, the answer is that He does not.
Another notorious dilemma is the problem of omniscience and foreknowledge. If God knows what we are going to do, then in what sense are we free? The answer: not in any sense. One guy named Calvin figured all that out hundreds of years ago, but then all the Lutherans just said Fuck That, we still have free will. This is serious fucking business for theists. If we are not free then God has no grounds for making us suffer (see problem of evil above). So, if benevolence is the most crucial part of God's nature (which it is as far as 99% of Christians are concerned) then we must assume that God does not have foreknowledge of human actions.
God is fundamentally anthropomorphic. In the Christian Bible and elsewhere He is simply an über-human: he considers things, He communicates, He expresses emotions and feelings like compassion, jealousy, hate, pity, regret, anger, and fury. Philosophical contradictions-in-terms like "omniscience" fail the moment you seriously think about what it means to really know everything. An omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent being must be immutable. Life is change: to be immutable is to be dead.
Another more intelligent paradox being;
The result is a God that is a) as far as anyone knows, not omnipotent, omniscient, or omnipresent, and b) does not have knowledge of future human actions. On these grounds it is perfectly reasonable to take the side of Satan in the war between good and evil.
Clever Christians will insist that God transcends logic, and as such the above arguments do not apply. The appropriate reply is this: If God transcends logic then He is perfectly capable of bringing about two contradictory scenarios simultaneously. He could create a world in which human beings are completely free to act as they will, and at the same time completely controlled to do the good. However, God has not brought about any such scenario. The only conclusion is that He is either fundamentally evil, or does not transcend logic.
Clever Christians might also tell you that God transcends space and time. If they say this you need only ask one simple question: "What do you mean?". This is 100% guaranteed to make them shut the fuck up.
Why You Need God
These days, God is very popular, and if you want to be cool (not be thought of as a devil-worshiper), you must believe in Him. He is very respected in our society and many people would do anything for Him. It's very obvious why He is so revered. To date, He is the only figure to ever maintain a constant state of nonexistence while convincing more than 70% of the world otherwise. Clearly, belief in God is essential to Happiness if you failed science class.
You also need an excuse to be a complete fatass and a waste of skin.
—Proverbs 28:25 | ||
—Psalm 92:12-14 | ||
—Isaiah 34:6 | ||
The Name of God
In the Bible, God is referred to by many names. The first name used in the book of Genesis is "Elohim" (which is a plural word), translated in English simply as "God". In Chapter 2, He is called "YHVH Elohim", read as "Adonai Elohim" and often translated in English as "LORD God". He is also referred to as "El Elyon" (Most High God) and "El Shaddai" (Almighty God). In Exodus, when Moses asks God what name His name is, God says "Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh" (I AM THAT I AM), suggesting that He is actually Popeye. Later He tells Moses that His true name is "YHVH", sometimes rendered as "Yahweh" or "Jehovah". But later, God tells Moses that His name is "Kanna" or "Jealous". And then He talks of whoring.
In Judaism, the name of God cannot be spoken aloud, nor can it be written with the use of vowels. This is probably due to the fact that the Jewish holy book, the Torah (German for kindling), is written entirely without the use of vowels. This book is where the name YHVH originated, and from that many interpretations of the name of god (Jehovah, Yahweh, etc) have sprung.
In the Koran, God is referred to by at least 100 names.
Pantheism
According to swagfag physicists, it was in fact God’s badass lesbian cousin, Natural Processes that created the universe. They claim that Natural Processes, or Little Miss Spinoza is devoid of personality, has big tits and a vagina big enough to give birth to the multi-verse and hyperspace. They believe she is one with the swaggot-verse, that science is an aeon-long game of strip poker with her and only in the 20th century did they begin to win it. Most of them are Asians, Dutchies, French people and Jews.
Followers of God
Through many Christians may act like Flanders from the Simpsons, others are insane and often due to this insanity get into positions of power. Yes, through many people who claim to be Prophets of the Lord are kept in mental asylums others make their way into positions of power.
Dictators, Presidents, and Powerful People and Organizations
Working in accordance with God isn't just for believers, British Prime Minister Tony Blair turned to Catholicism after killing as many innocent Muslim civilians as possible. Now he can be forgiven for mass murder and sit next to his God for eternity. All he has to do sit in a box and confess his sins to a Priest. For Terrorists like Tony Blair, the Mafia, and the IRA Catholicism is the ideal choice. The Catholic Church wholeheartedly supported the Nazis and with the help of the CIA continued to protect them after the fall of the Third Right by passing along the infamous rat line to safety in America.
President George W. Bush claimed that God told him to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, so he did. Killing 100,000's of innocent civilians, he must speak to the same God as his Father whose War on Sanctions killed millions of innocent civilians in the same place. He obviously enjoys killing people, even though he was too scared to fight for his country during the American War of Aggression in Vietnam. He broke all records for killing prisoners during his time a Governor of Texas. The two term President even refused to pardon Ricky Ray Rector from Execution, a man so severely retarded that when the guards interrupted his last meal to lead him to his execution he assured them that it's OK because he'll just have to finish it when they got back.
Like God these leaders who no mercy to the weak, even in their own country after a devastating Hurricane (link Hurricane Katrina) no mercy for the weak.
Pedophiles and Rapists
—Pedophile and rapist, who used to be a Priest said this quote to reporters during an Interview. | ||
The Church is well known to go out of its way to protect the malignant child abusers who run its operations Worldwide.
Celebrities
—Jay Z (Shawn Corey Carter), showing his true view on Christianity and the Church during the song Empire State of Mind. | ||
It's a well-known fact that Celebrities, Politicians, and so on only use Religion to push people to do things for them. Never do they truly believe in Jesus, and if they did the Satanic cult of Hollywood (link Illuminati) would bring them into subordination only for Satan.
God and the Internet
As encyclopedia dramatica always tries to be open-minded and fair it would be difficult to write an article that is either 100% pro-God or 100% anti-God without having one or other group of online fucktards pissing themselves in joy. It has therefore been concluded that the debate of God's existence is best left as is it - caused major drama and serious business on the web. Though some argue if God existed the ever-expanding tumor that is the internet would not exist, if he does exist God is most likely sitting on his cloud in heaven trolling the shit out of both his followers and haters.
The Advent of the Internets
God created the Internets in a moment of great brilliance. Here is the five-part inspiring tale:
- In the beginning, God created the lulz and the Internets. The Internets were without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the camwhore: and the spirit of God destroyed Oclet's liver.
- And God said: "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" And there was light. And God saw that the light was good, for the Light was too bright and prevented even Him from seeing the Fat of the Camwhore.
- And God created a firmament in the midst of the internets, to divide the interbutts from the internets; and He called the firmament Usenet.
- And God said, "Let all the failures of the internet be gathered together into one place, and let them spam that place relentlessly." And it was so, and 4chan was born.
- And God said, "Let forums multiply, and be fruitful, and fill the Internets with their drama." And it was so.
- And God said, "Let all manner of fucktards write on LiveJournal; and let them multiply, and be fruitful." And fucktards came forth in all manner of communities, and warred with each other relentlessly; and lo, some multiplied, and others didn't, according to their kinds.
- And God saw that it was funny, and lo! He lolled.
- And God said "Let us create a Wiki on the Internet. Let it catalog Drama, so that those who are not all-knowing may attain enlightenment; and let them LOL.
- And God created Encyclopedia Dramatica for his own amusement, and created Dramacrats to maintain it; funny and ironic. He then said to the Dramacrats, "Lol! I have given you the internets; multiply with captchas, and fill the Internets and catalog it, and you shall have knowledge of every faggot and every furry on the interweb for major lulz.
- And God saw everything that He had made, and He laughed at furries and smote them mightily.
- And He smote the Jews, for they killed his son.
- And with this last act, God neuralized the people of the internetz, giving them total retrograde amnesia. God then disappeared forever, leaving behind a mystery to be solved by all of his followers.
God's Many Forms
According to Christians, God exists in Trinity, which means that He has multiple personality disorder. His three personalities are:
- This is the coolest version of God. The Father smites people and pwns them in the ass for pretty much anything, including from homosexuality (excluding people on top according to American Dad) and black people. Whenever He makes a mistake, people tend to say that it was to punish us for some evil doing. In other words, an admin. The Father's titles also include: A long-legged Mac Daddy, A pimp-ass motherfucker, and the Roman Rapist.
- This version of God is a raging faggot and whiny pussy who took it up the ass from rubberduc. Notable features include his ability to turn water into santorum and his getting nailed to a cross. In other words, a moderator.
- This version of God allows God to watch everyone in the fucking world at once (like Santa) so it is assumed that his internet-era incarnation is Ceiling Cat. In other words, the internet itself.
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God, as worshiped by the English. -
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God, as worshiped by the Koreans. -
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God, as worshiped by Americunts. -
God, as worshiped by agnostics. -
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God, as worshiped by Pokémon. -
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God, as worshiped by Republicans. -
God, as worshiped by Libertarians. -
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God, as worshiped by Wisconsinites. -
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God, as worshiped by Christian furries. -
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God, as worshipped by blacks. -
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God, as worshiped by the Legacy Universe. -
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God Hates Us All, released September 11th, 2001. -
God, as worshiped by homosexuals. -
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God, as worshiped by God. -
God, as worshipped by men. -
God, as worshiped by Final Fantasy fanboys. -
God, as worshiped by Creepypasta. -
God, as worshiped by nintenfags.
His Views on Sex
Like everything else in the Bible the supposed Word of God contradicts itself on the issue of sex.
Anything is Allowed
God is, in fact, a sick fuck. He believes that if you are married and both consent, then pretty much anything can go on between the two of you and it's awwright. Turns out He really has no problem with incest either, since Adam and Eve obviously had to have sex with their kids to populate the earth.
Even comparatively late, teh ghey was perfectly fine on a "don't ask/don't tell" basis. Sure, they say that all the homoerotic stuff between David and Jonathan isn't really homoerotic, but they are liars. It is.
At least 100 years ago, in response to pressure from the heathens his missionaries were trying to convert, He began to advocate other types of sexual acts like buttsecks and bukkake. Although it is becoming increasingly popular as a way to maintain technical virginity, many Christians still fear anal and some are quite sure God was on peyote when He invented pegging.
However, fucking pies is still fair game. As is, apparently, consensual sex in the missionary position:
- Song 2:3: "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."
- Song 4:16: "Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance. Let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!"
Giving your woman a hand-job is perfectly fine
- Song 2:6: "His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me." [some great lulz to be had with that coy mistranslation]
So is performing cunnilingus all night long
- Song 2:16-17: "My lover is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies until the day breaks, and the shadows flee."
DFK - no worries!
- Song 4:11: "Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride.; milk and honey are under your tongue."
And sniffing poontang
- Song 4:15-16: "[He]: You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water ..." / [She]: "Awake north wind! Blow on my garden that its fragrance may spread abroad."
And generally getting it on
- Song 5:4-5: "My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I rose up to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, and my fingers flowing with myrrh on the handles of the bolt."
Oh yes, they explain this stuff away with lulzworthy material such as: "to find the key for unlocking the Song, interpreters have looked to prophetic, wisdom and apocalyptic passages of scripture", and: "the Song is an allegory of the relationship between God and Israel, or between Christ and The Church". Anything, it seems, other than the perfectly obvious: "The Song of Songs" in the Bible is about fucking.
Nothing is Allowed
Without 2,000 years of morality ground into us, nobody would think twice about committing sinful sexual acts such as incest and bestiality. The things you cannot have sex with include:
- Animals
- Gays
- Incest - including adopted and step-families
- Kids
- Anyone outside of marriage - Prostitutes, "open-minded" friends, thy neighbor's spouse, etc.
- Members of your own gender
- Anyone before marriage
- Anyone you are married to.
- Masturbation is a nein-nein.
- So is porn.
- So is thinking about it.
- Sexuality in itself is a sin..
- Asexuality is a sin.
- Everyone goes to Hell (Also a sin).
What God Hates
According to absolutely everyone, god hates tons of things, ranging from niggers, all the way to niggers. Besides niggers, god also might hate
Criticism
People believe that due to the fact that God is omnipotent and will never die, He haxorz life. The nihilist philosopher Nietzsche attempted to IRL ban God, proclaiming that "God is dead." Based on the religious demographics of the Middle East and the United States, He clearly failed.
There are many different schools of God fanboys, each of which is known as a religion. Religions that believe in God include Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Mormon, and about twenty obscure ones like Zoroastrianism. Like all Fanboys they don't seem to realize that they are all wrong.
Proof A Benevolent God Does Not Exist  If God were to be definitively proven not to exist, it would end all arguments ever, and self-righteous atheists all over the world would simultaneously reach orgasm in their parents' basements. Proof of a benevolent God not existing:
Proof A Benevolent God Does Exist
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